So, I'm not sure if I'm overeacting or if I want my feeling validated. I'm a ball of emotions and feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin.

So, the story goes...I had a child 6 years ago, by myself. My daughter's father chose not to be in her life. He moved back to Florida and met someone who is now his wife (they have been together since I was pregnant w/ my daughter) and I moved to CA. Fast forward 6 years...my daughter cried about her father and wanted to know why he isn't in her life. I took steps to contact her father and his wife and ask them what they wanted to do. I have to admit they do pay child support for her as well. They decided that they want to be in her life. I being the mother decided that this is the best thing for her. They went on vacation to Vegas and we met them for an afternoon in Bakersfield for their very first meeting. That day, he said right in front of me, our daughter and Jennifer his wife..."go w/ Mama Jen" I felt very disrespected and felt that the look I gave him said it all. Obviously not.
They flew in from FL a couple of days ago to visit w/ our daughter. The first day we all decieded to hang out, so that Taylor would see that we all can get along, which makes the transition a little easier. He then called Jennifer, "mama jen" again. Not only that, but I feel like he waltzes into her life and she views him as the best thing to fried chicken. She knows all she has to say is "Daddy I want this, and Daddy I want that." He's even lucky that he has the title of "Daddy" because he hasn't been here for her all these years. I'm trying to make this as right as possible but I continue to get my feelings hurt. As a single mother, I have been the only stable thing in her life...I mean, I gave birth to her, nursed her..etc. I just want them to understand my side a little, that this is very hard to just pass my child off to them and watch her act like a little spoiled child that I haven't brought her up to be. At dinner lastnight (all 4 of us) we were talking about their trip to the zoo that afternoon...they bought her cotton candy, (which I NEVER do because she has gotten a couple of cavities recently...and she had to get them fixed) and they know that I don't for that reason. Apparantly from what they said, it took her 20 minutes to manipulate him into buying it for her. I then asked her "when mommy says NO, what does it mean?" She said, "NO!" Then her father asked her, "When Daddy says No, what does it mean? She said, Yes!" He is a total "Disneyland Dad" I know I can't expect anything different from him, because he is only here for a few days w/ her, but I almost feel like I don't matter in her eyes when he is around...almost like I have to compete w/ him. I don't want this...I don't know if I should approach him (he's not approachable...I even tried approaching him about the Mama Jen thing, and he didn't want to talk about it. I had more luck w/ Jennifer than anything. Apparantly, he said it when I wasn't around and she stopped him. The other thing I should mention, is that Jennifer and I have kind of started a friendship. I honestly don't know what I was thinking, because first and foremost, she is HIS wife and whatever I tell her will always make it back to him. So, if I even slip up and feel like I can confide anything in her, I can't. So, my question is, is this a normal feeling that I am having? Feeling lost, betrayed (I would never let my daughter know this), feeling anxious..like I'm missing out on a part of her life" I can't be there everytime she sees them. Infact she spent the night with them at their hotel lastnight without even thinking twice. Ahhhh, I'm just so frustrated with this whole situation, but yet I keep thinking I brought this on myself. But, then I say that and realize that I did this for my daughter...am I right or wrong for my feelings?

Honest answer - Disclaimer: I'm sorry if this sounds harsh...

You sound like you are worried that she is forming the relationship with her father that you initiated because you knew she needed it. It is not a competition in your daughter's eyes. She loves her dad and is taking advantage of the spoiling that he is offering. If he is a Disneyland Dad, let her feel like a princess. Does she not deserve it? It could be so much worse and at least they are trying.

Jennifer sounds like she is being respectful. That is definitely a blessing but I would not become too close to her. Afterall she is HIS wife and not your friend. But I would continue to be friendly as she seems to be a good medium for you guys.

You feeling jealous really is not his problem or your daughter's. He is trying to establish a relationship with her in the only way he knows how. He has not raised her. The spoiling only happens a few times a year and IMHO, is not going to damage her too badly.

You have done a great job. You have to let her establish her own relationship with her father outside of your control. Letting go of control is hard but necessary. You are always going to be her mom and should be secure in that. He (I am assuming since I do not know him) is not trying to take her away from you and really is not a threat. Let her have her dad, even if he is a playmate. It is better than not having one or having a one that is bad for her.

Thank you for you honesty...that's what I need. Please know that everything you have said, has gone through my head already. Infact, I bought him a book for his birthday, "Why daughter's need their Dads". This is important, but I just wish that they would recognize my feelings, because honestly I have nothing to gain...but everything to loose.
As far as him trying to take her away from me...that is a question that has crossed my mind. It seems to me that they are tallying things in their head...things that I've said that can be used against me. What I have going for me...I've been here for 6 years. I'm a great mother with a stable job...and I've given my daughter the most stable life I could. I just wish that they could see it.

Taylorsmonnie,

I feel uncomfortable everytime my children visit their fathter. It's a good thing he is taking an interest in her and he's trying to build a relationship.

It doesn't seem fair sometimes when they feast at the other parents house and there's a famine at yours. However, I would urge to approach issues and discipline with your ex together. You don't want your daughter playing mom against dad later on in life. So if you don't want her to have candy, make sure dad knows this. If he ignores your wishes, then you just have to accept he will have rules at his house and you will have rules at yours. Children will adapt to different sets of rules.

Don't get caught into buying your child's affections. I learned a long time ago when I had very little money that my children will behave spoiled only around the person spoiling them. My ex in-laws bought them lots of things to the point where the kids expected it and then grandma would complain. I had to tell her I didn't have problems of my kids acting spoiled at my house.

I don't think this is a good situation for your daughter. Young kids don't adapt as fast or as well as professionals want you to think.

Can you talk and reason with your daughter?

If his new wife will talk with you then you might use that as a way to put a stop to this. Rules are one thing but her manipulating him is a different thing, and needs to stop, how ever you have to do it.

Thank you all. So, next question...I'm not really good at the legal side of things. We (her Dad and I) were never married. Like I said before, I did it all on my own. He met her for the first time a couple of months ago. He does however pay child support after he requested a DNA test when she was approx 1 yr old. So, he does have legal rights. We have never set up any custody things...because he "just wasn't there" I talked to a lawyer this morning and he told me that we should get joint/legal custody. I feel like I need to have full/sole custody of her, especially since he lives in FL. Any advice or websites that i could obtain some good legal advice?

Thanks,
Stacey

If you don't have any court ordered visitation then you kinda already have full/sole custody (sort of speak) regarding visitation anyway.

I wouldn't initiate getting joint custody since the EX won't be able to file contempt of court order accusations with whatever decision you want. Ask your lawyer where your rights stand if you choose not to get the court order.

Also, a good question to ask your lawyer is what rights could your EX ask for. The laws differ state to state and I don't know if "dad" can ask the FL court to grant custody/visitation.

Of course your daughter's father may iniate custody and visitation, but don't fret, most courts won't grant sole custody unless one parent can prove the other to be unfit and that is hard to do.

I'm finding out from a lot of my friends who's EX live out of state (and from my EX living in different in a different state) that the NCP (non-custodial parent) gets to have the majority of school holidays and most vacations. It's pretty much spelled out in the court order by time, date, and year.

Look at CA child support office website, they may have listed the family code for visitation.

I think that you really should get custody and parenting time set up by court order, as it stands now if your daughter is with her dad there is nothing law enforcement can and will do if he decides not to give her back to you.

You can ask for a parenting plan to be done and if you can show that the 2 of you can't work out agreements then you have a shot at sole legal custody.

Don't let any attorney tell you how to handle your case, they are there to give advice not tell you what to do.

Since you and your daughter live in CA then most likely CA laws will prevail, and he would need to show up in your town for hearings and studies. You can use this to your advantage in getting him to agree to your terms and the travel would cost him a bunch.

A much needed conversation...

So, Jennifer (my daughter's step-mom) and I went shopping this evening and then went to dinner. It was a little tense at first, but after drinking 1/2 of a Margarita at Chili's we both loosened up and relaxed. It was nice...we talked about everything under the sun, and agreed upon most everything. I told her that I was very happy that she is a part of my daughter's life. I can see that she loves Taylor and that one day she is going to make a great mother. (they are trying) I also told her that I was unsure of where are friendship would go because first and foremost she is HIS wife. She understood where I was coming from. She even opened up a lot with me and told me of her father's fears with Taylor. It was nice...Without her, this thing w/ Taylor and her Dad would not be happening...so thank goodness he is with her, because she truly is a great person. All of my anxiety and whoes kind of flew out the window. This is going to get easier...it may not be perfect but at least we are re-focused on the reason for this meeting! Just wanted to update you all!! Have a great night!!

what awsome news! It truely sounds like they are willing to consider your feelings with the whole issue. It will make co-parenting together much easier and more benefical for your daughter.

going to court for the visitation and custody issues seem like a better idea now that it sounds like he will be more involved with your child. Both of you don't necessarily have to follow the court order word for word, it's just something to fall back on when you reach a disagreement (i.e. who's Christmas is it this year) It also protects you when the other party may take you forgranted.

Keep the communication going... you may grow together and find you have more "family" than you realized.

So,
Just one new thing to add and then I'm done with all of this!! I feel 96% better than the other day when I posted this. Talking to Jennifer really made a difference. Today was like a new day...and when we left there hotel room (they are flying back to FL in the morning) he even told me "Thank You" So, I do think he understands where I'm coming from (I wanted him to realize that this was very hard for me to let my baby go and have someone else "parent her") and respects me for decisions that I've made. I'm very happy for this visit now and look forward to going to FL in November...now does anyone want to go with me???? Or if you live in FL..near Ft Myers and wouldn't mind hanging out come November (thanksgiving) let me know!!!

Stacey

Hi. I have read your thread and was trying to come up with something that might help but you seem as though you are already on your way to getting things straightened out. I am a little concerned about the lawyer telling you to get joint custody. That just seems wrong to me. As you said, you raised her for the past 6 years and joint custody is something that is a little extreme. YOu can have complete sole custody while the dad has parenting time. I would so not give him joint custody when he has just now come into the picture. But that's just my opinion.

I am glad things are working out smoothly for the most part and I hope they continue that way.