Ok, I posted this earlier in the week, but I decided there were two topics and I needed to split them. I am just copy/pasting from my original post. I can really use some advice.

My ex decided to start another family (literally, the other women asked him if he wanted a baby with her and he answered yes) when my daughter was only 2 months old. The other women is due any time now (the same month my daughter turned one, what a great birthday present!!). When my ex comes to pick up or drop off my son, he brings her along and asks me to go swimming with him, her, her child (also one year old), and both my kids. He tells me that it would be good for us all to be friends, that I should do this for the kids. Now, a little background (sorry but this will be a bit lengthy):
When I first found out he had cheated we decided to try to work on our relationship. We went to counseling and for about a month our relationship got ALOT better. For the next 2 months it began to fizzle again. I later found out he went back to her and started trying to have a relationship with her as well. When I found out she was pregnant I STILL tried to work out our relationship. I know you should keep a marriage just for the kids, but I believe it is worth trying to save for the kids (especially if one was just born).
At this time I had thought the other women had just been naive, she is just 19 or 20. I tried to befriend her because I am fairly certain how their relationship will turn out and she will have my kids half-brother. In fact, she had come to talk to me about her ex. The last conversation I had with her I informed her on some things that my ex told me concerning both her and I. She stopped talking to me and I can only think that it was because she either thought I was lying to her or she was upset that my ex was with her because I would not take him back (this is after the divorce had already begun). I have since learned that she was known at work (they worked together) for sleeping around and that she lied to me trying to make me want to stop trying to salvage my marriage. To me, that makes her a not-so-good human being. I see her as someone who wanted someone to help her raise her first son and saw that my ex was good with kids so decided to go after him, regardless if other kids needed him. After all, she did keep pursuing him even though she knew he was in marriage counseling. This is a person I do NOT want to be friends with. I also do not want her (or quite frankly my ex) teaching morals to my children, although I know I do not have any choice in that matter.

What should I do. I do not want to be rude. I have been civil this entire time. (Including when I found out she was pregnant, I was the one who said we ALL needed to sit down and talk together to stop all the lies) I am tired of getting lied to and tired of feeling like a door mat. I do not think my ex should be trying to guilt me into being friends with this women by bringing the kids in. I feel like he walked out on the kids. Although he keeps saying that he did not walk out, that I kicked him out (by the way, he says that divorced people live together ALL the time). He even tried to guilt me because I would not invite her or her child to my son's birthday party (same month as the divorce) that I completely paid for and through at my house.

Sometimes I think it would be easier not only on me, but also on the kids if he were to just stay away, but he loves kids. After all, he did just make another one. So it is not an option not to see him. I do not want to be rude, but I know I have to see him, but I do not think I have to see her, or that she should come to my house. What to do?

Mood =

Wow, that's a lot to take in.

I'm sort of in a similar situation except there aren't any kids on the other side of the relationship. I had a man perusing my wife for some time. She eventually went for it and it devastated myself and the kids.

What I am coming to terms with now is she made that choice. The guy was just selfish and I don't think he really knew or cared about the hurt he brought on to my family.

Now I'm also coming to terms with him having to be around my children. I gets to you on a primal level but I actually am hoping things work out for them. Back two years ago I think I would have killed him if he had gotten near my kids. Things change.

Unfortunately for the kids, I know he wanted nothing to do with children. So I'm not sure how her having the kids over will go on a long term basis.

You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with. Obviously, and understandably, you are not comfortable socializing with this woman. YOU DON"T HAVE TO! It has absolutely nothing to do with the kids. Your part is to not, as hard is it may be, talk badly about either party discrediting them in your child's eyes (and also making them feel uncomfortable) and to not hinder their relationship with their father. That is it. If he wants to have your children be friends, that is fine, you don't have to be there and you don't have to have it in your house. If you have not done so already, you need to meet with an attorney and arrange an agreed upon visitation schedule. He can have the kids bond on his time.

I guess what really get me is my Ex’s attitude about all of this. As you should have been able to see by my above post, both he and his new girl are extremely selfish. And although I know that he just has a “blame it on everyone else” type attitude (according to him, I am the reason he quit college, our relationship went bad, he cheated, blah, blah, blah) it still upsets me that yet again, I am being “pigheaded” about this. His words not mine. To me, it seems that when we talk, we are perfectly fine (civil, no hard feelings type of talk) until she seems to somehow enter the conversation, sometimes just by being at my house.

I know how I feel, and I know that I do not need to be friends with her. But I don’t want conflict. I know that just sounds stupid, but I usually try to avoid it. I am just not a mean person. Not that people who have conflicts are mean. Well now I am just rambling. Its just that I cried when I first found out he cheated and then just a few times more when I was still trying to work things out with him. That was it. Once my decision was made I had a real peace about this. My conscience was clear, I tried everything and he did not want to be with me (not until he realized that I really was going through with the divorce). I had not shed a single tear over him after I decided to go to the attorney and file for divorce. That is until recently, when he brought her over to my house. When I see HER I feel lonely. When I see her, I just think how the only people I have to talk to are my kids and my parents. While I was married I spent all my time and effort into working full time, attending college (online) full time, and being a mother and wife full time. Plus I have always been VERY shy. Now I am wishing I was more extroverted. That is hard to change.

Anyway, sorry to “talk” your ear off, but writing all of this has been a decent outlet. Thank you for your response, it is appreciated.

yes, some ex's do still reside with each other, cause they still have trust, and respect for each other. It seems to me that was lost thus the bond severed.

That uncomfortable feeling you feel, is really their rudeness. They have not and are not behaving within normal society boundaries, i think that's may be what setting you off balance.

Your not rude, you did not have an affair, break your vows, was deceptive, you did what any normal wife/mother does - tried to keep the family together. But the family/husband bond was broken and severed by was of deception, lyes, and selfishness.

It seems to me, with bonds and attachment broken, you have chosen to forge a New family form that centers on you child. That is not rude, that is normal.

I am the first to run in the opposite direction, when there is toxic conflict being introduced by the opposite party. It is not being mean [[which is done on purpose to deliberately hurt another]] to set your own moral compass and live by it. It is your 'human rights' to do that.

This is now "Your Story" you write/live it the way that is fitting for you and YOUR child.

And to your statment to an outlet - HELLO!!!!!

lol

And you have found one just one outlet here. Becarfull though it become additive and you'll meet loads of people that will agree and disagree with you. Lol

But what are friends for anyway, but to keep you thinking!

Peace
Robin

It is a process..a transition.
What it means is not to regret that you were not more extroverted, but for you to become more extroverted and spend some time with just you without worrying about anyone else. Happiness and contentment have to come from with in, we get lost in the end when we look at outside life circumstance for the value of our life, our happiness.
It will just take time. Spend time with your kids, take more classes in person or online, look in your newspaper for new activities and events and either bring the kids or a friend or yourself.
The point is , don't let anyone else's actions or presence determine how you feel about yourself.