so if you have read any of my previous posts you know i have been having problems with my ex well he finally came through on his threats i was served with papers today to do a parenting class and then the date will be scheduled for a custody and visitation hearing...... i am so angry and upset and i don't even know what right now. i can't help but think the worst and i know i am a good mom i just think back and think of all the mistakes i made and wonder hmm..... i mean last weekend i took my son a day early becuase he wasn't being taken care of but i can't help but wonder what are they goign to try and say and prove. maybe i'm not a good enough mother maybe i did something wrong maybe me being a single parent looking for a job and living at my parents house will work against me somehow becuase his "dad" is married they have thier own apartment. i mean i just don't know what to expect. and that scares me becuase i don't know what i would do if i lost my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melbear,

First, I am so sorry. I totally know how you feel and it is so horrible. But, take a breath and know everything is going to be ok. My ex served me with a false CPS investigation, a restraining order against me to the kids and a petition that I am not caring for them properly. All in 2 weeks and I thought I was going to have a nervous break down. Just know you will have your day in court. You can prove him wrong and you CANNOT control his actions. The more things he does wrong against you the worse HE looks! Take the class if your lawyer suggests it, don't retaliate and know in court the good guy wins!!!! Know you're not alone, we're going through it together!

quote:

Originally posted by melbear:
so if you have read any of my previous posts you know i have been having problems with my ex well he finally came through on his threats i was served with papers today to do a parenting class and then the date will be scheduled for a custody and visitation hearing...... i am so angry and upset and i don't even know what right now. i can't help but think the worst and i know i am a good mom i just think back and think of all the mistakes i made and wonder hmm..... i mean last weekend i took my son a day early becuase he wasn't being taken care of but i can't help but wonder what are they goign to try and say and prove. maybe i'm not a good enough mother maybe i did something wrong maybe me being a single parent looking for a job and living at my parents house will work against me somehow becuase his "dad" is married they have thier own apartment. i mean i just don't know what to expect. and that scares me becuase i don't know what i would do if i lost my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Melbear,




I know I probably sound like a broken record to others on the board but it pretty much is the same process for these situations in court.

You need to become very familiar with the Best Interest factors that your court will be using to determine custody. You need to work those factors as hard and fast as you can.

quote:

Chapter 750, Illinois Compiled Statutes, 5/602 depicts the present day policy that custody is awarded in accordance with the best interests of the child. This is a much different policy than the needs or interests of a parent. The primary focus is that of the child, not that of the parent.

Section 602(a) sets forth the important, but not exhaustive, factors comprising the best interests of a child. The court will consider relevant factors which include:

• The wishes of the child’s parent or parents as to his custody;
• The wishes of the child as to his custodian;
• The interaction and interrelationship of the child with his parent or parents, his siblings, and any other person who may significantly affect the child’s best interest;
• The child’s adjustment to his home, school, and community;
• The mental and physical health of all individuals involved;
• The physical violence or threat thereof by the child’s potential custodian, whether directed against the child or a third party;
• The occurrence of ongoing abuse, whether directed against the child or a third party;
• The willingness and ability of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the other parent and the child.

Other factors which are not part of Section 602 but may be considered include:

• The sufficiency and stability of the parties’ homes and surroundings;
• The interaction and relationship of the child to his parent and the child’s adjustment to his home;
• The relative economic positions of the parties;
• Whether a party is current with child support obligations.

So look these over if you have not already done so.

From the little that I have seen of your posts your ex has been out of the picture for your son's life for the first 2 years. This is good for you. He showed up and started having and interest in establishing a relationship and you allowed him to. This is good for you. The fact that the wife demanded that you only talk to her and not him is also good for you because it shows some unhealthy/controlling issues in their household. The fact that you tried to work with your ex on a parenting plan and that she took over is also a good point to note. DOCUMENT ALL THIS STUFF. You are absolutely right in refusing to talk to her about the parenting plan. GOOD CALL. Your son was locked in a closet? Wow.


I see that they are cussing you out when they don't get their way. This is good. DO NOT RETURN IT. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AT ALL COSTS.

Get a handheld voice recorder and have it on during all exchanges you can even put the phone calls on speaker phone and record them. Do not worry about the legality of it... trust me. There was soooooo much stuff that was official illegal that was ultimately given to the court and they heard it. Everything you can do to show the controlling and abusive nature of your ex and his wife will go extremely far here. Let your lawyer figure out how to present it.

Document everything about that situation where he was sick and you had to go and pick him up because they were not caring for him properly. If that ever happens again... IMMEDIATELY take him to the doctor and tell them what was told to you... show the text messages and save them. Make sure that it gets into his medical records as it can be entered into court and it is documented that you properly cared for your child as well.


You have to think about this as how can you get your information validated and in front of the judge or evaluator. Due to the fact that your ex's wife seems VERY controlling and confrontational... if they have some money... I would expect this to become a battle in court.

If so I would certainly do a deposition on your ex and his wife. Divide and conquer. See if they can keep their lies straight and expose them for the inept parents that they are. Also expose the controlling/abusive relationship for what it is.

SAVE ALL OF YOUR TEXT MESSAGES AND EMAILS. ATTEMPT TO COMMUNICATE ONLY BY EMAIL SO THAT YOU HAVE DOCUMENTATION!

Also, I fully agree that you should work with your lawyer to present a standard parenting time plan officially offered to them and start that documented process that shows you are doing everything you can to facilitate things and they are the ones that are being difficult.

OMG... he said in court that he didn't want visitation??? That will be on record... possibly even on camera these days. Get that record and hang on to it.

These two yahoos are going to get crucified by a good lawyer. I hope you have one.


I know this is a long post but tell me a little about how you match up on the factors and maybe we can brainstorm on how to get you better positioned.

I wish you the best in this. I hope I can be of help in some way to you. Somehow make what I have been through worthwhile...

-Knight

Also, keep this in mind. Evaluators are not governed by the same rules as the court is when it comes to evidence. You can present information with a great deal of leeway to them and they make decisions that the court will often times simply adopt.

Tell the truth as much as you possibly can!!! Lies will sink your case faster than anything. Once you lose your credibility you are screwed.

How are you as far as finances go and the stability of your household? It is ok that you are with you parents. A judge will not fault you for it... as long as it is not a bad environment. No smoking or excessive drinking... substance abuse and all that. If so get out and do everything you can to get your own place, in your own name.

Does your ex pay childsupport?

Ok enough questions from me...

Ahh!! Can't stop thinking about pointers on this case...


One more thing. Do not tip either of them off that you are going to depose them. And if you do depose them... do the ex first not even letting on to them that you are going to depose his wife too. You will blind side them and they will not be ready for what it would take to weave a web of lies that quickly.

I can just hear her screaming at him asking him what he said so she knows what to say. lol.

LOL Let them hang each other with their lies. Those are the kind of cases that I used to love when doing family law. When you knew they were lying and when the deposition transcripts came back . . . oh Judge . . . here's a motion to order what I want because the other person is an idiot and lied. LMAO

I wish you the best of luck. These things are hard but you can get through it. Most states have the requirement of the NCP to prove that the CP is not fit . . . in order to change custody.

So I was totally going to chime in on this, but Knight....damn buddy...I got nothing more....

Melbear,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Let me tell you my EH is a master manipulator and the type of games he played is indescribable.

Knight made a very good point. Don't let him get to you no matter what he acuses you of. Don't react and try to take it as a grain of salt. (easy said than done)

Lies and deception will not last and truth will rise. Recently last year, my EH made the judge feel sorry for him and almost made me look like the bad person until the judge slapped his own head and told my EH if he thought he was speaking to an idiot for agreeing to allow him to steal from his own children. I hardly said anything in court. The judge wouldn't allow me to speak till the end.

Also what helped is my psychiatrist had stated my anxiety/panic disorder is greatly influenced by the past and current actions of my EH so, he had advised me to have little to no contact with the EH. This has helped settle many lies that he had started or try to start.

Whatever you do... don't react in front of your children or your ex. Look as calm and confident as possible, you didn't do anything wrong so there's no reason for you to feed into his lies.

and

Document, document, document....

quote:

today to do a parenting class

I'm in Lake Co. and I was told everyone going though the system has to take a parenting class.
Even "She" has to and "She" is out of state now.
just do it, and as Knight says "Take the high road"

You don't want a contemp charge on you for lying.

Dawg

thank you for all the advice i greatly apriciate(bad speller sorry) it for the ones who wanted more info i will have more time later so look for it tom.

So i have not heard from the ex since i got served with papers..... i am taking the parenting class on may 3rd becuase that is the nearest one to me. i have started going through everything i have becuase i have every date that he has seen him and not and everyone time he has canceled saying i don't have the money to come get him and such. I have 2 different occastions in e-mail where he said he wants nothing to do with my son. I document everything anyways becuase i have a bad memory so i just naturally wrote everything down about when my son was with him and such i have every e-mail him and his wife have ever sent and went reading back through all those. there are a couple where i prolly reacted the wrong way but most of them i stay cool calm and collected. is it bad of me to think that i never should have took my ex for childsupport becuase if i didn't maybe he wouldn't be doing this. becuase he has made several comments that hint to the fact the only reason he sees my son is becuase he is paying for him. the other thing i have documented is when i drop my son off the fits that he throws becuase he doesn't want to go. he screams and cries and says he doesn't like daddy! on top of all the stuff he has said to me when he gets home. also his attitude is different when he gets home. he is hateful, does not listen, and hits and everything else when he gets back my sons never acts this way except the 3 days after he gets back from the ex's. i dunno i am just still really stressed out about all this. The other thing that has me worried is that my ex will being up my past. so to fill you in i used to be a self mutilator. for 6 years until i got pregnant with my son. after i got pregnant i have not done i am not goign to lie and say i haven't had the urge but i look at my son and i know its not worth it. they have already brought it up to me telling me that i can't be a good mom becuase of it but i haven't done it since i found out i was pregnant. anyone know what will happen if they bring it up in court???

First off, the parenting class that is required is a joke and just another way to sucker $100 out of each parent. The courts don't care about it other than the fact that you have taken it. The purpose behind it is to tell you not to discuss issues, money, or bring the children into any of your arguments etc...Don't get too worked up over it as even if the other parent is breaking everything they state in those classes, nothing will be done about it, as it is viewed as normal in most cases....Sad, I know, but it is very true....

The documentation is excelent, and the more that you can document, the better off you are. Keep journals, notes, whatever. Everything that you have documented can be admitted in court as your sworn testimony...Document everything....

The self mutilation COULD become an issue, if YOU don't address it. Confront it and state what you have done to stop. If you need to, submit yourself to whatever you need to to prove that you are above this illness. The courts are more than willing to look past a persons past, as long as there is proof of change. You have to be ready to defend yourself on this topic. Make sure that your attorney is fully aware of the situation and cooperate with him 100% on whatever he suggests you do. If you try to "hide" it from the court, and it then gets brought to their attention, it could become an issue, so just be upfront about it. Again, I would highly recommend researching and understanding the illness, and be fully prepared to present any proof of overcoming it that you possibly can.

As far as your son goes, he is too young to get a say in court. His crying and being upset about going to daddy's are not going to matter at this point. It will be viewed as a type of separation issue and it is no indication if he is truly upset being with his father or not.

In Illinois, there was a law passed less than a year ago stating that before any custody case is able to go to trial, there needs to be at least 3 hours worth of mediation between the parents and a 3rd party mediator...Be ready for this as well. It's going to be roughly another $500 expense to add on top of the custody battle. The purpose for this is the hope that you will be able to come to a compromise regarding the custody of your child. Know what you are seeking before you go in to this, and stay strong through it. Be prepared for attempts at persuading you to do things that you are not willing, and know upfront what you are willing to bargain, and what you aren't. This was by far one of the most difficult parts of my custody battle, as it was just me, her, and another attorney. Face to face conflicts with Trey's mother were really hard to deal with, as I normally caved and gave her whatever she wanted. It was really hard to stay strong and not waiver on my stance. Just something to keep in mind and prepare yourself for....

Just a little input for now. As I think of more, I will interject again....

-J

quote:

Originally posted by AKnightInTheMaking:

Get a handheld voice recorder and have it on during all exchanges you can even put the phone calls on speaker phone and record them. Do not worry about the legality of it... trust me. There was soooooo much stuff that was official illegal that was ultimately given to the court and they heard it. Everything you can do to show the controlling and abusive nature of your ex and his wife will go extremely far here. Let your lawyer figure out how to present it.

I am going to totally disagree with this point also. Know that it is illegal in Illinois to record anyone via tape recorder, video camera, or any other means without their prior knowledge, and my attorney refused to even listen to anything that I had previously recorded, and I was ordered by him to not record anything again or run the risk of losing my representation....

thank you for the advice. and i understand what you are saying. i was prepared for the mediation becuase i am one of those people that hates arguing so i normally nd up giving in but i am not doing that this time! what he is asking for is completly unreasonable. I talk to my ex today and he is like well lets just agree so that we don't have to do the whole court thing i said you filed the papers not me i am not goign to discuss anything unless it is concerning my son as for anything else you need to contact my attourney. he is asking for every other week!!!!!!!!!!!!! when he can't even stick to every other weekend. he wants every other holiday( i have no problem there) and then he wants a whole month out of the summer. it is just rediculous to put an almost 3 year old through this bogus ****.

I won full custody of Trey, and what his mother gets is every other weekend, every other holiday, Monday and Wednesday evening from 5PM-8PM, and 1 week straight visitation throughout the 3 summer months...So 1 week in June, 1 in July, and 1 in August....Since I have full custody, I only get 2 weeks out of the 3 months...It works out in the end, just a pain in the butt to work around....