I need some major advice or words of wisdom!!
I don't even know where to begin. My mind is doing loopy loops....I never saw it coming. As some of u may recall in my dad @turning point...and dad tryin to do right by his kids and wanting to change the person he has been for the past 5 yrs.

Well, dad is out in Cali working and apparantly straightening up his drinking and partying habit. We have been talkin and being civil since he told me of all the changes he wants and is tryin to change...well a cpl nights ago, he calls me at midnight...I wasn't aware that he had called and I saw his # on the caller id the next day. Well I call him up and ask what the heck he is callin me at that time of night for and he said get this.....he was homesick. I told him well I know u didnt call to talk to the boys cuz they were in bed long ago. He said he wanted to talk to me. I ask him umm...well...u couldnt have called ur mom or sisters or his close friends???? His answer was No, he wanted to talk to me.

Well he calls me lastnite and tells me he never stopped loving me and that he wants us to be friends...as we were not friendly b4. He wants us to start dating!!!! This man was the love of my life. Should I be listening to all his I miss u's?? He has never ever since we div almost 6 yrs ago has talked in this manner to me before.

I listened to all he had to say, but didn't really give him any indication on how I felt....heck I don't even know how to take it. He is working out in Cali and wants to send a ticket for me to come out there....to talk and see if theres a way we can talk everything out and see if there's a chance for friendship or reconciliation. This, is like the homerun ball thrown by Brad Lidge in game # not sure lol before winning to go to World Series......I never saw it coming!!!!

Laurie, you already knowthe answer to this in your heart, can you trust him to not go back to his old habits, can you handle the pain that would cause to you and your kids if you were to reconcile with him and a year later he is right back to the same guy that you left. I know that love is a very tricky thing, but you need to think with your head not your heart. By all means be friends, but don't be more than that. If he is serious about how he feels he will understand the pain he caused you guys and he will be patient and if all you can give is friendship he will understand. I would be leery about going to Cali, if he wants to see you he can come to Texas.

I think about how badly I wanted to reconcile with my ex, and when she would ask me to spend the night how tempted I was, but then I remember what my kids suffered thru for 2 years. And it would take a miracle to convince me that she had changed before I would even consider being her friend let alone more.

I wish you the best of luck sweetie, I know this is a heart wrenching dilemia.

Dali.

WOW!! That would have caught me off guard too! I say take it VERY slowly. Its wonderful that he has change but if he gets what he wants will he continue to change? Not to be a downer but just go into this w/your eye wide open and keep your guard up. That would be my advice to give. Have a little turst I guess but don't forget that there was reasons why you both are X's. Know what I mean? Good luck and hope that maybe things to work out if not for u2 but at least for your boys.

SPIRIT

Ahhh Dali, I know...think with head not the heart. I wouldn't just trust him so easily....it would have to be something he would have to prove. Ya know, don't tell me u love---show me. I am from Missouri at this point "ya gotta show me" lol. Skip back to when we had to evacuate for hurricane Rita, my aunt told me the same as what u just did. My family teased me that he wanted to get me back...he kept calling me saying he was checkin on Dusty and I.

Took me 2yrs to completely get over that pain u are talkin of! He asked me last nite if I ever think of him....I didn't answer him. How could I not think about the father of my kids?? We were married for 7 yrs and it wasn't all bad. I would never jump right back into a relationship with him w/o seeing proof. I did tell him tho, that if he thinks of it as a *** thing....then it was definately out. I don't base my friendships w/men on ***.

Hey Dali, not even for a free mini vacation??lol

I am strong enough to say NOOOOO. It's been a yr almost...since the break up of a bf for 2yrs. And I think if one can go that long, it's proof I am standing my ground. lol

Well Spirit, thank u but I am one not to just have a tryst....no matter if he was once my husband.

Thank u Dali I knew u would have solid advice as I have read ur posts about ex wantin the extra benefits. I am glad to see the points or advice from the guys side as well as the other ladies.

Dali's a wise man, and pretty much said it all.

Even the most rational people can get caught up in emotions and lose sight of what's really best for them(I am the poster child for this, lol)

I can't say that if I was in your situation, I would know what to do, because matters of the heart are pretty tough. But from an outsiders perspective...if he really is making changes, that is wonderful, especially where your son is concerned... but like you said, he better prove it first...

A lot of addicts (not sure if he's an addict, or not, but when you party a lot it's kind of the same mentality)or chronic partiers who lose those closest to them (ie you and your son), it is very easy for them to get caught up in idealism. I'm not calling him a liar, or saying that he isn't honestly trying to change but a lot of times, when people want something bad enough before showing consistant long term change, they may lie to themselves long enough to actually believe it, and jip themselves out of real change...."wouldn't getting my family back solve all of my issues?" but once he has the family back...is he REALLY willing to maintain the changes? Has he truly overcome past habits, or is he just conveniently ignoring them for a while?

Like the others say, err on the side of caution. If this relationship truly is going to work out, it can work out in another year or two years... it doesn't have to happen right away, and if he feels that it does, you may want to question whether he's in it for a short term savior, rather than a true life change...

You are a smart and rational gal, and I'm sure you will make the right choices for you and your son. Good luck.

I suppose when I was younger I would have been all about the tryst, but now I know that it would open to many wounds. I may (or may not) have got my heart back together, but it is not fully healed and still bleeds sometimes. I couldn't jump back into that bed, I would be afraid once the physical pleasure was over the emotional pain would start all over again.

That being said if you want a mini vacation and have the time off, and you are able to protect your self emotionally, than by all means go for it.I think it would be great for your kids. But I would explain to the kids it is just a visit so they don't get their hopes up that you guys will reconcile.

Good luck, Dali.

Honeybee,, his addiction was alcohol. I believe in my heart that was what lead to him leaving 5 days b4 Christmas 6 yrs ago. When I say "party" I just mean hangin out at bars. Both sons would luv a reconciliaton but....do have the guards standing tall. I have asked myself all those same questions as u mentioned Tabitha...and answered to myself "if" he can prove to me on a long term change....no short term...for my kids I would consider. No long term change then I continue livin life w/boys.

And that savior thing, well back when we were together I was his savior, his rock that was always there. I tried and tried to help him see alcohol was his problem not me.

I agree with Dali's first response very much.

As for the plane tickets to go to Cali to see him, well let's talk about any child support arrears first.

I agree with the arrears, has already kicked in. And the ticket, was a company paid ticket.

Oh, I thought he was paying for the ticket.

Well, if he wants your trust back and all that, he really needs to earn it. If you're thinking of trying, just take it slow, be careful for you and the boys.

If you go to Cali, I would make him sleep on the couch! You don't want to make it seem too real too fast to anyone involved - you, the ex, or the kids. And I would avoid *** with him at all cost. That will only make it more difficult for you to think with your head rather than your heart. We women get all emotional when *** is involved! Instead, make the trip out to be all about the kids, not about you and him.

If you are going to consider working on a relationship with him, make sure he is over his issues completely, not just working on getting over them. I don't know what all of his problems were, or if there were any aside from the alcoholism, but some things are harder to fix than other. Alcoholism is definately something someone can control if they have the ambition and desire to do so. Just make sure it's for real and not just for show.

I not sure Laurie, but I have a good feeling about his change for the better and your particular situation (it seems like he's trying really hard). I say give him a chance to prove himself. The important thing is that he's there for the boys. I'm not saying everything will be hunky dory right away, but your relationship sounds very hopeful to me and anytime there's a chance for a family to reconcile and be whole again, I'm all for it. Obviously, you know in your heart what's right, so if you're conflicted, follow your heart.

I want to thank y'all for ur opinions...it means alot to me to know I finally have great ppl I can confide in and get honest feedback.
I have not told my family all of what he has asked me, as they do not like him for all the heartache he put the boys and me thru.

AM, yes I know us women lol, and how we get emotional. I would not go see him with *** being on the front burner. I always try and not let myself be put in a situaton where I would let my feelings and emotions take over.

Cailin, I am not making any decisions to be with him on any level until I see some longterm changes. The boys' dad has been around off and on...not on a consistant basis. Although it is what I have always wanted from him is just be there for the kids!! I agree with u as far as if there is a chance for a family, (not necessarily mine), to rebuild and become one again....would be awsome!! But only if there are changes.

Again I thank all of ya!!!

Well I am not going to Cali....Mike is coming home to his moms house....the job just didnt work out for safety reasons. But anyway would much rather see him face to face and see his reactions when we talk. He has called me every nite since he 1st called....still wonder if any, what his intentions are.

It's been like a rollercoaster ride full of emotions....not able to sleep....so just had to get on here and start posting.

Part of me would love for him to change and totally be there for me and boys....but so scared either way to deal with it again.

I can honestly say, I thot my love for him had died.....I think I just blocked them out so I wouldn't have to deal with them.

You know that old saying:::
If you love something, set it free
If it comes back, its urs
If it don't, it never was

I always believed it...wishful thinking? Maybe...so umm if there's anyone who is into telling fortunes and the future lol please inform me.