I really need advice on this so hopefully I can get some sleep sometime. My son's father and I have been broken up for 2 years now and we both see other people with no problems. So recently he tells me about a new girlfriend and I am happy for him. That is, until I realize who she is. She told him that she is 27 and I have proof that she is 22. That the first thing that is wierd and sketchy. Then I find out that she has previously been a stripper and made some "videos", and the father of her 6 month old is a heroin addict. She does not know where he is and she does not have any family. She told my son's father that she never does drugs or drinks anymore (she used to have a problem). All of this bothers me, but not as much as the fact that I have met her (before he even met her)at my job and she, who supposedly never drinks or does drugs anymore, was so high on something that comments were made between employees. She was talking out loud to herself, rocking in her chair, slurring her words, spacing out, and fanning herself while sweating on a 60 degree day. I was so concerned about her baby (who was with her in the carriage) that I actually went over to take a peak and make sure that the poor thing looked ok. She has an apartment through the state that is in a well-known dangerous and dirty area. My son's father bragged to his friends about all the violent and disturbing things she asks him to do to her when they are together in bed. It is also gross how he bedded her on the day after he got her number ( I don't think she's clean). I know him so well, this just doesn't seem like he has a good grasp on what he is doing here. It's like he's turning the other was as she lies to him about things like her age and drug-usage.
It's pretty obvious that I'm not her biggest fan, but my problem is with my son's father. Lately I feel as though he has less ability to make responsible decisions. I think he is setting an awful example for his son and I doubt his ability to make mature and safe decisions. I am scared that he will end up impregnating her and will have more child support to pay, while he can barely support his son with me. I am also afraid for him to catch something from her that would make hime sick. Also, he was recently arrested for driving under the influence and for possession of drugs. He is still in the process of seeing lawyers and going to court, but he has not stopped the drugs. He bought a $65 solution to drink on the day of his mandatory drugs test so that he could fake pass.
The bottom line is that I am worried about my son's best interests. He has already taken my son to see this girl and they have all hung out, even though he has only been seeing (or should I say doing) her for less than 1 week. My son's father is rapidly spirally downhill and I notice a difference in my son when he goes with him. My son's father lives with his parents and he and his mother are constantly screaming and swearing at each other in huge fights that last for days. My son actually told me yesterday that there was a ****ing hornet in the room. My son is only 2 and never, ever hears that language from me or my family.
I know you have all heard of mother's intuition like when your kid is sick or something else is just wrong, and I feel sick to my stomache and I can't sleep over this. I am so uncomfortable with this situation. My intuition is scaring me every time he is with his father and I can feel that it just isn't safe.
I know that I don't have the ability to limit who my son's father sees and what they do when he is visiting, but I feel as though I can't just allow this.
Please, everyone, any and every advice is appreciated and welcomed. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to keep my son safe. We have never been to court before and have always been able to agree on visitation. PLEASE HELP!!!

OK! Listen to me. You have every right to be scared. Let me give you a little of my background. I married at 19. I knew my husband did pot, but had no idea he did meth. When I found out, 2 years later, we worked together to get him clean. 2 years after that I had our son. He was a wonderful dad. 2 and half years later he started again. I tried to pretend that it wasn't happening and ignore the signs. The straw the broke the camel's back was when I found meth in the coffee table, the top opened, my baby could have easily gotten to it. I left him and he went to rehab. I came back and a little over a year and half later, I found drugs in my sons bathroom. I left him and he started drug counceling and AA. We went back. Six months later, I found him shooting up and smoking meth. I left him. He went to rehab and I never went back. I have been gone now for almost six months. Our divorce was final last month.

I can never ever forgive myself for the harm that could of happened to my son. My X's behavior was irrattic. A drug dealer could have come by at any time looking for money. The state could have taken our boy away, even though I have never done drugs. He could be violent (never towards my son), but it could of turned on him at anytime. What if my X was driving around high with my son and got in a car accident. Or what if the cops pulled him over with our son in the car and found drugs on him? I will never forgive myself. I can't change the past, but will learn from my mistake and not repeat history.

Your problem is not with the girl. If he does drugs, he should not ever have his son with him. Even if he lives at home with his mom. I made my X give me sole custody. In return, I allow him to see him every other weekend. He must have a clean drug test (hair and urine). He must be supervised at all times. His parents supervise right now. Your X's mom is not good enough. I can change who supervises him at anytime. It could be me, the court, my mom, it doesn't matter. I had a lawyer, but you don't need one. Call Child Protective Services or go down to family court and file a petition regarding visitations.

I believe the relationship a father and son have is crucially important. I have had to swallow all my anger to maintain some sort of relationship with his father. I do this for my son. I will not give in to my son's safety though. Not ever again. I work really hard (much harder than my X) for my son to have his father in his life. I would rather tell hism to go **** himself. So, I know where you are coming from.

You can stop your son from seeing this wreck of a woman. Go to the courts and explain the situation. They will help. If you get CPS involved, maybe they can force your X to get some help. I don't know if it will do any good. My X has been sober many times.

Please take my advice seriously. You will never forgive yourself if something happens to your son. Don't get involved in his personal problems or what he wants in bed. Just focus on your son and you will be fine.

Amen alim4547

Alim4547 said it all. I have to agree with her completely. Always keep your childs best interest up front.

Good Luck

SPIRIT

Jillian ~ I agree that the child's best interest must be your #1 priority - and what ever it takes to keep them safe - your #1 goal!

Good luck ... I know it's difficult at best, when you have so many things beyond your control to deal with.

I appreciate all your immediate replies. It's not that he does crazy drugs or drinks around my son ( I'm pretty sure he never would), but he does have problems with controlling his alcohol intake when he goes out and he smokes way too much pot. He has admitted that he has substance abuse problems. This situation really sucks because he family is really cool to me and I would hate to ruin that. I just don't feel like he's capable of making responsible decisions right now. My question is how to tell him that I do not want him to take my son as much as he has been and to get counseling for his emotional issues. He has kicked and punched holes in walls, and just the other day he broke his mother's expensive glass table by throwing something on it. He already has to get drug counseling because of his being arrested, but I find him to be emotionally unstable. If I try to tell him that I don't think it's in my son's best interests to be with him, he's just going to tell everyone I know (my friends, his friends, his family, my coworkers) that I am lashing out due to jealousy. Trust me, I would never be with him again. How do I tell him that I don't trust him anymore and that I don't want my son going over his girlfriend's house. Like you said, alim4547, it could only take 1 second for a 2 year old to get into an open container of drugs. Also, what do you think the outcome would be if we did ever go to court?

If you can prove that your ex and his gf are doing drugs (request random drug testing) ~ I think it's safe to say, he would be required to get clean before he could spend time with his son!

I think you should be honest with him about his behavior. You can't worry what other people will think of your motives, you have your child to think of.

Most kids want to be with both parents, so if you can help your ex clean up his act - you'll be doing something good for your son. If you can't ... look into supervised visitation.

I think you are making excuses for your X. I have done that a million times. "He doesn't do crazy drugs"...how do you know? Also, the only think I learned from family week at rehab for my X, is it doesn't matter the drug. It could be alcohal, pot, prescription, meth, heroin, crack, etc. A drug is a drug. It does the same thing to every substance abuser. I am not trying to sound mean. I just have been there. Making the demands on my husband was so hard. But finding out something bad happened to my son would have been unimaginable. You're a good mom with the best intentions. You don't want your son to lose the good things in his life. Even his dad is good at time. Just remember my story. Remember that one time.

Jillian, Welcome to the forum.
This topic is a hard one for me, it used to be more simple until recently because of some emotional problems that were being caused for my 12 year old daughter and the lack of visitation with her mom. I got custody of her nearly 5 years ago due to her mom's drinking/using and being raided and charged with child endangerement. She was court ordered to supervised visits. Now nearly 5 years later I've just begun to just start allowing an every other weekend schedule of unsupervised visits. Thing is the older the child gets the more there is to consider about visitation and the other parents choices. They kids are getting old enough to know more about right and wrong and can, with our help, make some of their own decisions about all of that. That may be a bit of rambling, obviously there is so much more to all that but wanted to at least "qualify" myself a little to post this following.

At the age of 2 you definitely should not be afraid to make decisions that will protect your child where they can't protect themselves. He has an arrest record/ court ordered drug counseling. If you were to go to court over this there are good odds that you could ask for supervised visitation and get it. Not based on her, but based on him. A lot of times the court doesn't want to hear about the new person in the parent's life, but you have a very good leg to stand on where he is concerned. Use it if need be to protect your child for the time being.

This site is the best ever, I don't know what I'd do without all your support. I probably would be sleeping a lot less than I am now.
So now my son's father just called me saying that he will be talking to a lawyer on Monday. Why would he be threatening to take me to court and why would he start paying for another lawyer when he's still going through all these drug charges? His family thinks I'm being evil right now and they don't seem to think he has any real problems with drugs or alcohol (pretty much because they all love the booze). I have so much anxiety over this right now and the thought of my son going to his house terrifies me. The other day I caught his father leaving my 2 year old son in his car with the keys in the ignition, the car running, and the driver's door open while he went in a store. This isn't the best of neighborhoods that he was in at the time. What's to stop some drug addict from stealing his car with my son inside? It does happen. I want to move away to make it harder on him to see him but I could never leave my family.
I used to think it was so important for my son to have his father, but now I think it's most important for him to have a positive male role model (which he has plenty of older men to look up to that are responsible, hard working, and have strong morals).
I live in Massachusetts. Does anyone know of anyone in the state that I can call for advice on what to do and where to take this? There must be some state-run program that offers advice on these sort or things. I need to know whether I should get a lawyer now and just take it to court. I have spoken to a lawyer before but I never went to court. I'm also looking for information on getting in to local nursing programs if anyone has any info on this. Thank you all so much.

Hi Jillian,
It is an awful time I am sure for you. Try to stay strong.
You have been given lots of great input already.
I just wanted to mention that you should consider keeping a journal. Keep it religiously. This can be a wonderful tool in court.
Focus on the interactions with you ex, and your child. Not on the new person in his world.
It looks like you will need to get a lawyer at some point.
We have a few members from Massachusetts perhaps someone from your area may be along with some local input.
Good luck.

Jillian, If I would be in your shoes, I wouldn't care what his family thinks of me. I would go for the supervised visitation, no matter what. Your son is #1 priority and who cares what everyone else thinks about you. Go to court, present your case, along with proof that he was caught with drugs and get that supervised visitation asap.

God girl, I have been in your shoes (somewhat). Only my son does not see the s/d at all. My ex drinks and drives, does drugs, gamble excessively, cannot hold down a job, and that's just most of the polite stuff I can say about him! I realized early on that my ex would never be able to get it together for our child. And your right. If you have enough positive male role-models in his life, then get rid of the ex before he does something to seriously harm or kill your child. There is also a book out there where the author talks about as long as there ARE positive role models in your childs life, you don't even need the sperm donor, and yet your child will grow up just fine. Don't care about what his family thinks about you. If they are in love with the hooch too, then they obviously don't need to be around him either. Your son will probably grow up better off without him.
:award:

I'm so sick of getting harassing calls that I have to check my caller ID every time the phone rings. It's bad enough that he calls me first thing in the morning to give me a hard time, his mother still calls and harasses. Obviously, she believes every lie that he tells her. It's so bad, it's becoming a battle of the families. She says, "I think we could all use some alcohol counseling" and I asked her if she meant that I neeed the counseling and she said yes. I was like "Are you kidding me?? You don't know me and what I do. I'm at home every night with my son (if I'm not working) and if I do get a chance to go out I have maybe 2 drinks!!" She is so argumentative and annoying. She said that if they followed me around they would have things to say that I'm a bad mother or that I'm irresponsible. She says this as though I'm following him around to find out all these things about him. I don't need to follow him in order to find out about him getting arrested or leaving my son in the car! These are the things that are right in front of my face! She said, "Sorry we can't all be perfect like your family." I had to hang up on her after 45 minutes of insanity spewing from her mouth.
He's still threatening to take me to court and I can't wait. Then again, this whole thing has me so upset that I can't think straight anymore. He told me that he doesn't drink or do drugs anymore, which I don't really believe (yeah since when? yesterday??), but probably just until he makes sure they don't require him to have a drug test. Does he think he's proving himself now?? I'm so scared that the court will grant him more rights and privileges than I am comfortable with. I'm so confused by what I should allow him as far as visitation until the court decides. Like this weekend I have to work and my parents are going away (the usual babysitters), so that leaves only his father. I don't know whether I should allow his father to watch him, but I would not be comfortable with my son staying overnight with him. I think I may just have my son go RVing with my parents for the weekend, but this would make his father so mad if he couldn't see him. What does everyone think I should allow per week for visitation until this is brought to court? Like how many hours?
When we do go to court it will be funny to see how he explains how he cheated the government. He works for his family business and his mother "laid him off" for awhile so he could collect unemployment and go to school for free. He continued to work but was being paid under the table. It's people like that who ruin a good thing for the people who actually need it. If he wanted to go to school he could take out a loan like anyone else would instead of taking advantage of the government programs. Good luck to him to see how he can prove how much he makes (being still paid some money under the table) so that he can pay his child support through the state.
With everything that was stated here and in the last few statements, does anyone know what the court might grant? I want to be able to get full custody so I can write a will and give my parents full custody in case of my death. I wonder what type of visitation they will allow him, like how many hours and whether or not it will be suprvised or if will be able to have him overnight. This is really tearing me apart,I have way too much anxiety. Thanks for listening, everyone

Oh by the way, I guess his friends laughed at him so much about his bad jugdgement of character and how desperate he must have been to stoop that low by hanging out with that loser, drug-addict girl that he told her he couldn't see her anymore. He called me to tell me that saying (imagine this in your most loser ex voice), "I just wanted to tell you that I told that girl that I couldn't see her anymore." so I said, "well really it's none of my business who you see and what you do, but it is my business who you expose my son to and anything that affects him." Ha, silly boy, he's just embarrased because his friends laughed at him.