Hello SFV. I've been here on and off since last year. I've been seperated/divorced for 2 years now and have 3 boys. (my choice for divorce..from an over controlling alcoholic)

My x has been really smoozing up to the kids and talking them in to coming over to his house alot. Even on my weekends and i've been nice and have been letting them go. However - he is a complete JERK to me. He does not even speak to me and relays ALL messages through the kids. I am worried that this is really going to hurt me in a year or two when the kids are older and afraid they are going to want to live with him. I left him b/c he was not SAFE for my kids... now, he's buying them off.

I have a boyfriend and the x is just picking the kids for all information he can get. My BF drinks..to a point that I do not like it and will probably be making the choice to kick him to the curb pretty soon. I like him, alot - most times, but their are issues. He's really sweet and I'm having a hard time with the final kicking to the curb! ahh.

Any advice on this??

Hi Dawn....of course my advice is get rid of him. Why would you put your kids in a situation of a man who is drinking to an uncomfortable point? I mean is it really worth it?? You left your husband, your children's father, for that reason. You really shouldn't be bringing another man into their life with the same problem. I'm sure you care about the guy, but as a mom, you really gotta look out for your kids. Plus, you really should be careful because you wouldn't want to get penalized for having your children in an unsafe environment. It could work against you and you wouldn't want to lose any rights to your kids for this guy. You can definitely find a great guy who can be a great role model for your kids! Go for it!!

The first issue I would address is the boyfriend. I'm a little opinionated in this area b/c I'm a substance abuse counselor so bear with me here. If you know that this person is not a good influence on your children and you realize it's the same type of situation as your marriage then why put youself and your kids through that. You need to get rid of this guy and focus on your kids. It might be hard and I'm sure you do care about him but you can't change him or his behavior so it might be best to move on. The second issue is the relationship with your ex and his relationship with your children. Is he still drinking when he's with the kids? Are they still in a potentially harmful environment when with him? If so then I wouldn't agree to the extra time they want to spend with him or that he wants to spend with them. I would also put a stop to the messages being sent throught the kids. Nicely let him know that if there is anything he needs to discuss with you then he needs to speak directly to you and don't respond to the messages he send through the kids. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

Thanks for your post. I have no idea why I ignored the warning signs with the boyfriend.. I do need to get rid of him. He's not the best influence on my kiddos..

The dad still drinks. I'm certain, but I have no proof. The unsafe acts were alcohol, but also that he would give them medicine to put them to sleep,(benedryl and nyquil together) so he'd have time with me. He was controlling and demanding. THIS does NOT happen any longer. I do ask them very nonchalantly about it.

I sent him an email this morning telling him that i was going to limit his time with the kids, to his weekends and 1 night a week only, since he can't be more respectful of me. That I will not respond to messages sent through the kids anymore.

He has not responded yet.

That is VERY VERY extremely disturbing to hear that he would basically drug the kids in order to have "alone time"! Why did you even put up with that for ONE second? Why did you allow him to potentially harm your kids? That's pretty serious, serious enough that that man shouldn't even have ONE night a week alone with those kids!! Why does he see your kids unsupervised? You should definitely step up to that and make it known to a court what he's done to the kids and what he does to himself. Better to do something now before it's too late.

Yes, it is extremely disturbing. That is why I divorced my husband of 12 years. I dealt with it through my attorney and he was put in counseling.. I'm not going to go in to all the legalities. However - my boys do see him unsupervised - his obsession was with me.

Thank you for your concern - I have my kids best interest at heart. If I felt they were still unsafe - I would fight him every minute. That's how I got this far -- and the driving force for me getting this far.

I hear ya' with the obsession part. My ex has an "addictive" personality, and if it's not drugs or alcohol, it was me. So naturally when I left him he went to drugs/alcohol. Lucky though, he proved himself to the court as pretty unfit at this point so he only sees the kids supervised. It's so hard as a mom to worry every time your kid has to go for visitation. My kids are still little, but I know the older they get, they'll tell me much more and be able to make wise decisions on their own so I won't have to worry. It's good to see your strength!

Hey Dawn . . . not to sound rude but your picture is huge. lol Could you make it just a little smaller please

Anyway, any kind of obsession is unhealthy, well of course unless you ask Amy cause she has some that are just . . . well . . . just hers. lol

Okay so I think you should cute free the boyfriend seeing that he seems to have an issue that you obviously dont want to get worse.

LOL.. I'm sooo trying to make it smaller.. lol

I managed to put a little bit smaller pic on here.

I am very happy to have got out of the situation I was in. I was w/my x for 16 years! It was hard, but we did it. As for the new b/f - I will have a talk with him this weekend. It's going to be hard, but he's super sweet and lovey - but if it's uncomfortable for me, then it's not fair to either of us NOR my sweet boys...

Good for you taking a stand with your ex. That's a positive step in the right direction. By the way your boys are cuties!! I couldn't see the pics earlier when I was at work. How old are they? I have three boys and they are 6, 5, and 3. I can't believe your ex would drug them to make them sleep, well yeah I can my patients do things like that all the time. As for the boyfriend when you have the talk with him make sure you are VERY clear about what you will and will not tolerate. You've already been down this road once so you know what you're doing and what you want.

Thanks for compliment on the boys. I have 10 yr old twins and an 11 yo. They are amazing. I am posting a new thread... about the BF.