I spoke with my ex the other day and he's confirmed that he's moving back to our city. He didn't sound all that happy but it could be due to stress. Apparently he's having to fly down and mail his items over. That's got to be stressful in itself. I'm getting nervous now. Also, he's sending my son a parcel for Easter. He's never sent him anything .. ever. I said ok but I didn't make myself sound excited or anything. Maybe he was hoping for a better reaction, I'm not sure. Anyhow, because he hasn't officially arrived yet - he's 'planning' on buying his ticket soon - I'm going to tell my son that gift is from the Easter bunny. I won't mention to him at all it's from his dad. Do you think that's a good idea? Maybe I can tell him later on after he sees him.

Also, he's in arrears for child support, like 4-5 years on record (nevermind the pre-court time). He mentioned that he's wanting to start paying the monthly support once he's down here. I'm going to give him grace being that he has a lot of expenses right now with the move. HOWEVER, once he's settled, I want to give him a quote of what I'm expecting per month: the monthly balance + $65 extra to make up the arrears owing. Does that sound fair? Do you think it's reasonable to expect him to pay me a month's worth before starting the visitation process? I know the two have nothing to do with each other but I want to know how important his son REALLY is to him. I guess I'm testing his credibility. Technically, he's still suppose to go through a 3-month probabtion (court-ordered) of supervised visitation. Now, he's aware that I'm going to have to be present for the first 10 visits (his suggestion) but I don't want to give him too much of my time if he's not willing to put out himself .. make sense?

Your thoughts?

Yeah jess, what you are saying makes sense. Considering all the time that has gone by I don't blame you for being cautious. It'd be great if he moved there and stuck to his word on all the visitation stuff, child support but let him prove it with actions...
As far as the monthly support plus $65 for arrears, that also sounds fair, and that's not even knowing his monthly obligation. I've seen that much court ordered on wage assignments with monthly support being less than $200.
Gift from the Easter Bunny.......that's a tough one, it'd be much simpler if he said to give it as from the Easter Bunny. Maybe consider giving it as intended, from his father. I'll be curious to see what other responses/advice you get on that one though.

Oh boy what a big change on the horizon. I hope he has gotten his act together and is going to be a positive regular part of your son's life.

I think that set amount of the 65.00 is very reasonable. After all this is owed support not a gift.

Wait an dsee if the package even arrives. I really would hesitate to attach Dad to the gift if it does, just in case he doesn't end up moving and stays out of the picture.
Not in an attempt to block dad from giving a gift, but more in an attempt to protect the child from building up hopes about dad , only to have them squashed if dad revamps his plans.

That of course is taken from my prospective and my history with Joey's dad and,history of broken promises and a hurt child.

Thanks Don and Harmony. I'm worried as to what he'll say about the money factor. It could very well set him off. We've been down that road before and although he 'agreed' to pay the support, he refused to pay the arrears - hence me getting nothing. I wonder if I should mention it to him before he moves down or after he's settled.. or wait until after he pays for the ticket. LOL Besides, I'm hoping to open up an education fund with it anyway so it's not like I'm in NEED of it .. it's just a point I'm trying to make. Like Harmony said, it's not a gift, it's his obligation and for once I'd like to see him follow through.

He claims he's changed but I'm still concerned about the man I know him to be. On one hand, having him back in my son's life is positive. He'll have his dad he's always wanted and in one sense, it'll help me out. Being a parent 24/7 hasn't always been easy. On the other hand, being a parent with him (as I recall) was even harder to deal with. I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with the same baloney as I did back then and let me tell ya, I have no strength to put up with it again. A part of me wants to back out of this 'deal' but it's really not for me to decide. (sigh)

Sorry for the rant.

I think you are pretty reasonable here. If he had been keeping up his end to begin with, he wouldn't be in this position. He really has no right to complain at this point. But I understand you want to keep things amicable. I think the way you explained it here is a good place to start. It didn't sound vindictive or controlling. It's the idea that it goes to his credibility and his commitment to keeping up the relationship with his son once it starts.

I really do hope everything goes well and he sticks to his commitment.

quote:

Originally posted by missabb:
It didn't sound vindictive or controlling.

Oh good. Lord knows I've been accused of that before. I don't want him and his family thinking I'm trying to keep him dangling on a string on my own account.

I also don't want him walking all over me either since so much time has passed and I'm not angry anymore.

So I received the parcel from my ex for my son today. For starters, he spelled his name wrong. lol Woops. I opened it thinking the gift was wrapped inside the box but it wasn't. I read the card - again, not in an envelope and it was signed from 'Dad'. Not sure what to do with it now ..

He spelled his name wrong? I'm speechless on that....

Your call on the gift because I also can completely understand not wanting to build his hopes up about his father just in case......but, would it also mean you wouldn't be giving him the card signed from Dad, then maybe end up having to later explain to his father why you didn't when/if he does get there and asks your son about it? Would giving that need to include the premise that he's going to come through finally on being a more regular dad? In your son's eyes it could be just that his dad got him an Easter present......and I'm really trying to consider how such a rare(never happened before) sort of thing that is.........
And I'm sorry, but then I come back to.....but...."he spelled his name wrong"
Geez, would have been so much easier if he'd have just addressed it from the Easter Bunny

I really am at a loss over what to comment on the spelling of the name. Very very sad.

Personally I think I would put it in the closet.. Then if and when he arrives let I'd give it to him to give. I'd say somethng like "I thought it would be nice if you gave it to him yourself in person"

Well I was thinking of having his dad give it to him at a later date as well, but the box has been opened .. oops, and he got him an Easter chocolate bunny - which realistically, he can't have. He should know better about the name. We picked it out when we first started dating .. 4 years before we had him. Anyway, maybe I'll just give him the gift from the easter bunny and tell him later with the card it was from dad?

Personally, I would give him the gift as the cards reads..."from Dad". Even if it's the only gift he ever gets from him...it is from him and I think it'll mean alot to him. Kids are so forgiving and unlike adults they don't hold anomosity like we do. Your son will love his dad regardless of his behavior, now and always (it's a sad but wonderful thing at the same time).

I have been through this as well, and it is so hard to see our children hurt and dissapointed, I hope this move works out for the best for you. My two cents...I would give the gift as it was intended, misspelled name and all, we can't be controllers of everything not knowing what the outcome of this experience will be for your child and his father. We can't protect our children from pain in life but we can give them the tools to handle it within themselves, understanding that it is not about him but that his father just does what he knows how to do or something like that. When we play the mother & father roles as single parents we have to work to step out of the nurturing protect from every booboo mother role and balance that with what a father would offer too. In my experience having allowed my daughter to see her father as he is just as she sees me as I am everyday (good & bad) has had its painful points but now @ 11 she doesn't harbor any fantasies about him and suffers much less disapointment at his idiotic behavior (like missing 2 years of birthdays) - reading this it sounds preachy, sorry...just writting as I think. You know what is best for your family..trust yourself

Hey,

You know, my ex's family mispells little Bobby's name often...they spell it with an "ie" instead of a "y". His mom never mispells it, but then again she lived with us for 5 years. If she hadn't, well...I dunno...

I also vote for giving him the present as his father intended. For one thing, your son will never hold it against you for telling the truth. Telling him something other than the truth to spare his feelings? Well...you never know.

I'd talk to your ex about the present though. I'd make sure to explain you appreciate his increased (albeit minimal) effort toward your son, but make suggestions as to how his present could have been even better (wrapping it, spelling his name right, etc). If your ex is anything like mine, he'll try to turn these suggestions into how you're putting him down. I can sometimes get my ex to see that I'm really just tyring to be helpful, however. It is important to say it in a way that you really *aren't* putting him down for it though...I mean, it *is* easy to put down a father for not spelling his son's name right. In the long run, however, everyone's better off with him just learning to be a better father.

Later,
Bobby

Well I don't want to lie to my son either and thought if I didn't mention at all who the gift was from, if his dad WERE to pull through, I could tell him then. I'm not trying to with-hold anything but am wanting to delay who the gift is from until I'm sure of his dad's intent. I figured if his dad asks, I'll just tell him he liked the gifts.

I don't know. I just don't want to set him up because his dad has talked many times of wanting to be a part of his life. Once the topic of money comes up, he may back off and hide completely - again. I just want to be cautious that's all.

I appreciate your opinions though and I still haven't decided yet on what I'm going to do.

Ok so I gave my son the gift today and told him it was from his dad. He didn't react to it as much as I thought he would. I mean, he has never given him a gift, I thought my kiddo would blow a gasket over it. He liked the gifts and was happy it was from his dad but he was more interested in the chocolates than anything else. LOL I haven't told him that his dad is moving back nor did he ask anything.

I woke up this morning thinking about all this. You know, it's starting to make me angry that he can just show up and be a part of his life after all these years trying to hide so he wouldn't have to pay up. I've opened my doors and agreed to be there during the first few visits - but the more I think about it, the more I see how "scott-free" he's getting away with. It's like he shows up with a gift and suddenly he's become a super hero despite of all the turbulance he's caused us in the past.

It just makes me so mad. I had a bad dream about him last night regarding the money factor. I told him about the price quote and he reacted in a way I'm fearing he will. Now I'm wondering, is it REALLY that important for me to get that additional money from the arrears owing at THIS point of the game? On the other hand, if I don't ask for it now, I may never get it later.

quote:

Originally posted by Shanta:
We can't protect our children from pain in life but we can give them the tools to handle it within themselves

I like that so I just had to quote it. It's so true.

Hey Jes,

It sounds like the gift giving went well enough; kids can surprise sometimes.

About the unfairness...omg, I don't think it's ever possible to swallow that. I fully believe that everything should be looked at from the child's point of view. If the child knows and loves both of their parents, it's the best thing for them. As the parent who is not only doing all of the work of raising the child, but also covering all of the costs? It drives you *crazy* to see your child show as much love toward a parent who's done so much less to deserve it. Really...the kids often show them *more*, since they are more excited about who they don't see everyday (lol...and isn't telling them to eat their vegetables, clean their room, etc).

You know though, there is some good in being the person doing everything, without asking for recognition. Michael Jordan carried his team; did he complain about being the person doing most of the work? Would he have rathered that his teammates each carry an equal share of the load? Would our opinion of him be the same, if he had wanted these things? Heh...hopefully you know who Jordan is, being Canadian...in case you don't, just substitute in Gretzky and it'll all make sense

As for the money...well, I didn't comment before, but I wouldn't put any CS conditions on his visitation. I'd try to put as few barriers in the way of him developing a relationship with your son as possible, even though it's not fair to you. At the end of all this, however, when your son is grown with children of his own...you can be sure that he'll look back and realize all you've done.

Later,
Bobby

Good points Bobby. Yes it's hard to be the one there for them and then to suddenly have the other parent show up like that. Just like it's hard to all of a sudden have the other parent basically just drop out of the picture. But we do what we have to with what life throws at us. If he shows up and actually participates as a dad from here on out then great, it can be one of the many things that can just be chocked up as "no one ever said that life was fair" but at least your son would have his father in his life. If he shows up and starts this, and then flakes out all you can do is say you tried and allowed the opportunity instead of having to wonder later on whether somehow the resentments towards his non involvement all this time got in the way of his attempt to become involved now. People do change, Lord knows I was not parent material once upon a time either.

I also agree about the CS conditions. I think it's fine to ask for what is right, current and arrears but not hold that as a "condition" of visitation either. Hopefully he'll just man up and do the right thing in all aspects of showing up and trying to be a dad, but allow for "baby steps" in this process also. Fair? No. Good for your son? Well, the opportunity is good just so long as his father doesn't flake out, and that's just not something that can be fully controlled.

I know you guys are right. I don't like it but I can see your point. Being on the outside, I've said the same things to many here but on the inside, it just blows. I guess it's just yet another thing my ex will get away with. He wins. I know I have to look at it from my son's perspective which is how this all started. Yes, I've opened the doors but from now on, I have to learn to keep myself in check because this anger is starting to get to me. I have to remember the purpose to this 'trip' we're on and hope for the best. I guess I've had it easy in a sense because I didn't have him to reason with. I made my own choices and what I chose is how we've lived our lives. Now I'm going to have to share this responsibility and it's going to be hard - I'm being honest. My son deserves his dad despite anything but at the same, it's hard to change a 6 year old habit.

Thanks guys!

Miss Jess, I think your honesty is refreshing. It does blow to have to share. Especially when he hasn't been involved and hasn't been paying support. You are a strong person to set your feelings aside and do what's best for your son. Good for you.

Wow...nice work on the pics Amy.