Yes it is me again with the same problems over and over again.

I know I have issues of abandonment, overprotectiveness and lack of self-confidence but I just wish I could parent my teen with a sense of power and assuredness. I came to this site to try to empower myself and it works sometimes, but I just wish there was another mom or dad out there who had the same situation to relate to. Is there anyone there..
I don't want to lose my son and I am going to eventually, which is natural, and it hurts to be alone. You will laugh.. but my son in his great wisdom tells me that I cannot protect him from everything now that he is getting older and that I am overprotecting him and I need to back off as I am pushing him away. I get extremely mad if he is even one minute late getting home for his 11 p.m. weekend curfew. He is the only one with a car in his friend group and he takes everyone home. He does not do drugs or alcohol.. we talk about this all the time- except *** or even girls is a touchy issue. He is mature for his age being an only child and going away for visitation 1400 miles for two months every summer since he was 3 years old.

Does anyone else doubt their abilities as a parent?? I came from an extremely dysfunctional family, alcholic father still to this day, overprotective mother who became an alcholic after Dad left when we were teenagers, and siblings who I am not close to at all. I think us kids just made it through and did not learn anything about raising children, boundaries and rules. I feel so alone in all this.. I listen to advice here and try to do what is recommended but I feel so powerless when it comes to enforcing decisions. I constantly wonder if I am doing the right thing.

My son and I have been "all alone" for his 16 years now. I was engaged eight years ago to a man that did not like my son, the attention I gave to my son, and he was also extremely possessive- I ended the engagement after coming to my senses and realizing that my son was the important person here and I may be getting into something that could cause him harm one way or another. I know that guy loved me but he did not want to include my son and we come as a "package deal" so to speak. I have been alone in that sense since. I need to be in a relationship or even "get a life on my own" because I am focusing all my attention on my son.

Anway, my son and I are close but when it comes to discussing "girls" he shuts down. He says I do not understand. He wants to talk to this girl all the time- she makes him feel good about himself. I have monitored his texting and he knows it and he still tells me nothing is going on sexually. They do kiss. He wants to date her but has not asked her out yet. He just likes talking to her and does not see anything wrong with it. I gave him a time of 9 p.m. to be off of the phone and he thinks it should be 10 p.m. or as he put it: "Let me talk and when I feel we have talked enough, I will get off the phone." I still gave him till 10 p.m. now and I know it was a mistake but I do not want to push him away any further. I keep telling myself that this will wear itself out after a while since it just started five days ago. My male friends tell me that he is pulling away from MOM which is natural at this age and I need to embrace that for him or he will just shut down with communication. Last night he told me that we are closer than most of his guy friends and their mothers because we talk about alot of things. I just wish someone could say the magic "thing" that would snap me out of this stuppor and become a loving, reassured, confident mother that I know I can be. Yes, I am going to call my counselor to talk because I have issues. No drugs to zone me out.. Thanks for listening and feel free to reply.

What I've noticed is parenting style shifts when my oldest became a teen. I want him to be a confident adult who makes the good choices, so there has to be a time for him to practice this..... guess it's called the teen years.

I let my teen make decisions on his life a little at a time. When I think he can manage more I let him decide more. It's like a dance... 2 steps forward 1 step back. Hopefully this keeps going forward and not 10 steps back. :O

If I'm going to have my say in his choices... he's pretty much a captive audience in his teen years.... so he's going to hear me say things I want him to think about when the situation arises... such as "No S**" when he finds himself home alone with a GF. Things don't just happen.

My son did start a "phone" relationship with a girl. Concerned as I was... it only amounted to phone calls and talking at school. That was it. Reality... he doesn't drive or have a car, he doesn't have any money to do anything, and he really doesn't have the time to "fall in love". He did want his privacy and seemed to talk to her constantly... late at night... falling asleep with the phone etc.... Reality... it was still a phone relationship (trying really hard not to snicker) His younger brother (my spy) even mocked his sweetness on the phone and he sounds like a teen trying to impress a girl.

Keep the doors open to communication. don't make him feel sorry he told you... no matter how hard this may seem. Let him know the consequence of dating... and be supportive.

My teen learned issues we adults deal with like: saying really dumb things we regret when we are 1/2 awake on the phone, loosing a girl to another boy who has a big allowance from dad and can buy her nice gifts. Sad but true... he has his own growing pains.

Thanks for posting a response.. I value what you say.

I regret giving him such responsiblity as in having a car (it was a gift from a friend who was going to give the car to Goodwill). It is not a great car, but a car nonetheless. Great responsibility for a 16 year old. I regret that to no end, but I cannot turn back and he has been extremely responsible with the car. I should have enforced rules better as in being home on curfew more and here I am beating myself up again. I just feel I have failed him in not being more strict based on some of the posts I have gotten in other areas.

I just do not feel that I have control over this and his actions. I hate it! And, I do not want to give him too much rope so to speak.. you know. My son does not have a job now either. He does have a summer job which is how he spends some money from his bank account. He borrows some money from me, not much, and also earns it working on friends cars. My son does have the time to talk and I regret not getting him involved in some type of sport, but it is too hard when he is gone all summer long. But at least I can hope that he burns himself out talking to this girl so much and learns something from it before it possibly becomes more involved. Thanks again and stay in touch. You made me feel a little better.

It sounds like you are doing a great job to me. Your son sounds respectful and responsible and definitely doing better than I was at 16. Although it's hard not to control him like a kid, you have to remember he's becoming a man and you don't want to force him into being a momma's boy. Just my 2 cents

Kcmom,

Being a single mom is so tough. We all have issues, some days are better then others. How great you are so dedicated to your son. Many children his age don't have such concerned parents! How many of them come to see me (I'm a HS teacher) because they can't talk to their parents. Your son will be a better boyfriend, husband, father one day because you were his mom. He'll always remember how much you loved him. That's enough! You can't be everything all the time, you're human. Love him and help him then give yourself a hug. You deserve it!

Being a mom to a teen or tween is so hard and scary at times. Too doubt yourself and your skills is normal but it sounds like your doing a great job. I have a tween and parent him the same way. I'm always checking his cell phone. Have called up one of his friends b/c his friend had sent him a x-rated text. Yeah my son was mad but it had not happened again. I know all of his friends and what they are doing. So you should be very secure with ur skills. "Knowing" ur child no matter the age is something every parent should try to achieve. I'm still perfecting things!

As for ur own up bringing I can relate. My mom was good but VERY overportective of me. My dad was more so controlling and my parents split when I was 20yrs but it was never a happy perfect life for anyone. So I question myself b/c of this but than I know I must be doing somthing right b/c my son and my daughter still say Love you mom and give me hugs.

So smile and know that you are the best mom for your son.

SPIRIT

I never had any rules or boundaries when I was a teenager and looking back now that I'm a parent, I wish I'd had some. I was staying out until 2-3am by the time I was 14 and I'd stay gone all weekend with an occasional call to the house to let them know I was still alive by the time I was 16. I got pregnant when I was 15 (my first time!) but lost the baby early enough that I didn't even realize I was pregnant. I had to take myself to planned parenthood and get my own birth control after that but by the grace of God, I managed to make it out of high school without a kid.

Rules are very important and curfews should be strictly enforced. Late night phone calls? That's a part of being a teenager. I guess the phone calls are better than them sneaking out at night to hang out like I did but I honestly don't know how I'll handle that when my kids are older. I know I'm fiercely protective of my daughter now so I can only imagine how much worse I'll be when she's old enough to drive and car-date and all that horrifyingly scary stuff. One thing I am grateful for is Katie has older sisters she can talk to about ***. I wish I could be the one she wants to talk to but I know that's just not going to happen. Her sisters are adults and I trust them to give her the correct information about protecting herself and her body. Does your son have a trusted adult he can speak with? Most people (myself included) can't imagine having a frank discussion of *** with their parents so maybe there is somebody you can direct him to for questions he's not comfortable bringing to you. He really sounds like a good kid and that's because of how you've raised him. Parents who never question their own parenting skills usually don't have any....lol.

You should hear some of the stuff Tracy's told me she told her children when they were teenagers....LOL. I admire her for being able to speak to them calmly about such things but I so don't think I'll be able to do it myself.

Who is Tracy? Sorry I do not know alot of people on this site.

I lead a pretty protected childhood except for the stuff that was happening within the walls of our home- alcholism.. I never snuck out of the house or even dated until I left home at 18 and then I made up for lost time.

I have found myself taking things pretty personally with my son and not taking into account that it is his life and I am just directing it for a brief while. I hate him growing up, and just because I am lonely, I find myself, not getting jealous, but insecure with losing him to his friends and/or girlfriends. He's my company so to speak. I do not want to be alone. Does anyone know what I mean? Yes, I need to get a life and I do when he is gone for the summers. I start working out again and meet with friends more often. I feel good about myself which is what I should do when he is here.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in your child's life and forget your own.. I'm just having a hard time learning that when being slapped in the face with it.

I admire those parents that can belt out directions and advice to their children without a second thought. OR, offer advice that is unbelieveably touching or accurate.

I second guess myself constantly..

Thanks for the kind words and wisdom to all of you that responded. Touching words that made me cry at some points. I really needed this and I am sure I will be posting with more questions soon.

LOL Tracy is my oldest 2's step-mom and a very good friend. I don't know what I'd do without her really.

I TOTALLY get the lonely feeling when the kids aren't around. I hate my weekends spent alone with my toddler and the dogs. Before I had Ryan, I ran around with friends and slept late, you know all the cool things you get to do when you're not dripping with kids but now I don't go anywhere without a short person with me. The only person in the area I trust with Ryan is Tracy and Tom (the kids' dad) isn't too keen on having him around so basically I'm stuck. I'd give anything to have 2 hours by myself to go whatever I want. I'd probably do nothing but clean but hey at least I wouldn't have to stop every minute or so to make sure the baby isn't killing himself or making a break for it. There is a yoga class that's like a 5 minute walk from my house and I can't even do that. Pathetic...........

You are afraid to lose your son? My boy is still young so I don't quite understand yr feeling. But I think he would become very traitorous if you control him too much. Being his friend is a good choice for a teenagers' mom.

Our kids don't need friends, they need parents. When my children are adults I'll be both but until then, I'm the mom. I can't imagine how you can effectively parent a child who thinks you're their pal and thinks they can treat you like one. I'm not saying you have to be a hard*** 24/7 but being a parent means making decisions for our kids that they often don't like. It bites sometimes but that's all a part of being a responsible parent.

Yes, my son does not need a friend at this time. I do not agree with being a friend to you kids either- that however does not mean that you are not there for them when they need it. I can see he needs me to understand him, but then he also wants me to set him straight when I need to.

Last night, for instance, he was talking to this girl when he got home from school on my landline at 4 p.m., at 8 p.m. and then again at 11:30 p.m. (which I allowed him to for 20 minutes). I had to set him straight with the late night call and I told him that this is the very last time!! Anymore extension after 10 p.m. to talk to this girl means he is grounded for the following entire weekend which got his attention. Yes, you could say I gave into him but I have told him from now on as long as he is off the phone by 10 p.m. then he can talk to her on the landline. Many people have told me that I need to let him talk or he will find some other way to get to her, so I am trying to set limits but be otherwise lenient.
Anyway, I listened to his conversation the previous night and this girl is trying to get over her last boyfriend and my son is "there for her". I had to laugh when I heard this but she is constantly needy and my son is at a place right now in his life that he is gobbling this up. He says her "boyfriend" wants to get back with her and is calling her all the time calling her a "biXXh" and she is upset. Other guys are calling her to to get together with her. She is telling my son all this and of course he is saying that he is just there for her. I cannot tell you the look I gave my son when he told me it was her boyfriend and then he said her EX-boyfriend. I still said "What, This girl also meets my son before school to talk and I know they are kissing from the texts.!!?? She also texts him during school which angers me!

Now tonight he was talking to her constantly as I mentioned.. I listened briefly to see what was going on and she is leaving for Florida for spring break with her parent(s). I heard my son tell her that she needs to take care of herself and stop worrying so much about other people (so cute). He also tells her that he has a job as a mechanic, which is not true at this time, but I think that is how he gets off the phone sometimes telling her that he has to go to work.

Anyway, what my take is that she is needy and my son needs to feel needed at this time of his life. His father never calls anymore and that is affecting him also. I have tried talking to him about his dad but when it comes to that, my say is irrelevant.

I have told my son that if this girl has a boyfriend or ex-boyfriend that is calling her, and she is confused, then the worst thing for him is to be kissing her. He just thinks that I am saying that because I do not like him kissing a girl anyway. I have tried talking to him about getting involved with someone and getting taken advantage of in situations like this but I cannot convince him otherwise. I am at a loss with this one. I do not know what else to do besides monitor this one and allow him the experience. I just hope it does not escalate into sneaking around.

I caught him texting at 1 a.m. again last night also after telling him not to and he denied it. I am going to speak with him after school today about it again. I am going to tell him that this is not acceptable- the texting late at night. I will take his cell and/or not put minutes on it anymore.

Am I doing the right things here or do I need to be more strict? I am trying my best and I thought I was doing well but it seems the calls are getting more often. I work varied times during the week and I know that I will not be home all the time. My son also texted her saying that he would see her today before she left for Florida. Her texts are so confusing to me calling him baby and she misses him- all the time.. I mean constant!! I do not know how he deals with that but he must really like it.

Guys, you said to let him grow up and be a man. What do I do in this situation? Do I interfere beside monitoring late night calls or let it work itself out? Will he get tired of her being so needy? At this stage of his life I think he craves that attention. Will this ever end? Anyone have any ideas on how to handle this?

I am trying..

KC,

I would give him some space until his behaviour affects his health and school work. Sounds like a healthy teen trying to learn how to have relationships.

I set a "tech" curfew at 10 pm ... meaning everything that uses technology will have to be shut off (cell, computer, xbox, Ipods...).

Getting in the middle of my son's business tends to make him less likely for him to ask me for help or advice. It really is hard at first... to listen and keep my mouth closed.

In a recent discussion... he told me what his GF wanted for her birthday which was expensive. I told him to use the cash he got for Christmas since I wasn't paying for it. He then tells me some other boy at school bought it for her since his parents just gives him a nice hefty allowence for doing nothing. I told him "lucky kid, what did your GF say or did she noticed it bothered you at all?" What drove me crazy was the thought he was actually at the store with his Christmas money looking at a $200 price tag. Knowing my son, if I had said anything, he would have bought it because I told him not to.

It sounds like you desperately want to save him from a broken heart but it just doesn't work that way. Unfortunately, he has to learn that kind of thing all on his own. I'd probably tell him that if he needs to talk about it, then you're they're but you're going to respect his privacy unless he's getting involved in something dangerous. I can't imagine how I'm going to deal with it but I'm sure I'll want to save my kids from the same things. Have you seen that commercial where the entire world is bubble-wrapped? Why can't we do that? LOL

As far as cracking down on the late night calls and texts, you're absolutely doing the right thing. I'd take his cell at night if he does this again. You're still able to reach him when he isn't with you and you'll have the peace of mind knowing he has a phone in case of an emergency but he won't be able to defy you with it again. A wise person once said that you have to pick your battles carefully with your kids but when you pick one, don't lose no matter what.

Yes, pick your battles.. I have heard that one and it seems like all of our conversations are battles nowadays. I do need to let him learn from this and it pains me to see him wandering around with the "I'm in Love" look. He says they are just friends, but he is more involved than he says he is.

I like the tech stuff off at 10 p.m. I may use that. Otherwise, we will see what happens here. I hate being the only one here to maintain curfew and discipline- it is so depressing.

Thanks again!!

Amy, very good comment about parent/friend. I agree entirely.

Hi kcmom,

Welcome to the teenager mums. I'm there with you. Mine is 16 too and we've also always been alone together. Luckily, he is quite steady (except schoolwork ).

I think you need to back off your son's private issues, such as talking to girls on the phone....
leave him to find out about life and girls by himself. As long as you know what he is doing is pretty harmless (talking on the phone), you should give him the space to learn...........
you know that teenagers come into that transition between childhood and adulthood and will start to pull away to find their own identity (and in order to come back later in life....), the best you can do is to keep a watchful eye from a distance, and keep the lines of communication open.
10 pm would be my limit on a week night (school) and bed too then.
at the weekends, it's up to midnight/1 a.m. here, (but also sms) and I have let go being fussed about that. my only criterion is that no-one phones here after 10.30 pm.

I know, it's tough, but hang in there!!
You also need to cultivate your own social life more. That is healthy for both of you.
Good luck with it and keep posting!

quote:

Originally posted by BASICALLYAMY:

Most people (myself included) can't imagine having a frank discussion of *** with their parents so maybe there is somebody you can direct him to for questions he's not comfortable bringing to you. .

Good idea.
Yea, cringing to talk to your parents about *** -oops - but the key is to start when they are really young. You know they're not going to talk to you about *** as a teenager, so you can be damn sure they have all the info by the time they reach it!

I'm really glad I live in a no-nonsense country when it comes to *** - and we must be doing something right as the country with the least teenage pregnancies in the western world.
It is very normal here - even expected! - that a mother will talk to her daughter about pregnancy, the pill, STIs, etc. by the time she is 12 or so..........and if not, school will do the job.

The best time to talk about it is when they are old enough to take it in but not embarrassed about it, it's just a fact of life.
Even before 12, more lik 8, 9, or 10.......

I was lucky in that I worked for the dutch national aids organisation so it was a perfect opportunity to talk to my kid about safe ***.
hey, we were talking about it all day at work anyway!! what's the big deal?!!

When he got a girlfriend last summer (15/16), I gave him a pack of condoms. He was more embarassed than me about it and said if and when - phew! - he needed them, he would get them. Fine by me. At least I got the message across....

Oh I've had "the talk" with Katie and I do take opportunities to tell her things, I just don't know how much is getting through because she hears me start talking about such things and gets this awful look on her face....lol. I'm not going to give up on telling her the things she needs to know but I know when she has questions, she'll ask her sisters before she'll ask me.

quote:

at the weekends, it's up to midnight/1 a.m. here, (but also sms) and I have let go being fussed about that. my only criterion is that no-one phones here after 10.30 pm.

Marielle, what is sms?

I had the "talk" with my son when he was younger- 10 or so maybe. I have always stressed abstinence and am very uncomfortable about giving out condoms; however, whatever it takes nowdays.

I do not know if any of you have read my other posts, but my son got a job in Sept 07. He was working alongside an 18-year-old girl. Unbeknownst to me, she was sending him nude pixs of herself via cell phone, and of course, he snuck off after telling me he was going to school to pick up some books he forgot and went to her house. They had Sxx. Anyhow, I found the pixs and called her up and told her that I was going to call the police if she continued. I discussed everything with my son and he promptly quit the job. He has not seen her since and I am quite sure of that. OHH, and he did use condoms.

His grades are awful and he has been working to bring them back up. Now this new girl comes into the picture. I am so afraid he is going to pursue something sxxual with this girl. She goes to his school and is his same age this time. My son is a pretty honest kid- he told me that he had sxx with that other girl- Guilt I suppose. However, he is not truthful about his grades and studying.

Anyway, this may not be your usual situation in which boy is just talking to girl on phone, but then it could be. He says she is "not like that." He says he just wants someone to talk to and she makes him feel good and special.

His father never calls anymore and he is taking it pretty hard. My stepdad has tried to spend more time with my son and I think that may be helping him some. This is all so confusing to me and I am tired of trying to think about what could happen and monitoring all his moves. I am so worried that he is going to sneak around and do something again. I do not want him spending all his money on cell phone charges and/or this girl.. how do I just let this be without feeling guilty about it.

My son's friends do not have girlfriends. Most of his friends are involved in sports. He spends the night at one friend's house almost every weekend. I call the mother and make sure he is there. I also drive by the house to make sure he is there..

I simply do not trust him now, and it is sad, but I used too and he messed that all up by doing what he did. He thinks that trust is so easily given back and he cannot see why I just cannot trust him again. It is always, "just trust me mom" now. What he does not know is that I am not sure that I can ever trust him again. I cannot give up on him but I am tired of monitoring everything- especially now with this "new" girl. It never ends..
Thanks!