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Parent on Board |
I feel dumb posting this when we're all worried about Amy, but I just need some advice.
The father of my baby called today and said he will be in Vegas for a job next week. He currently lives in Colorado and I'm in California, so he rarely sees the baby. Vegas is about a 5 hour drive from where I live and he asked if I would drive there for a couple of nights so he can see her. I'm glad he's making an effort to see her. I want her to know him. But I feel weird. I'm nervous and don't know how to act around him. I'm supposed to leave Monday and we're staying in the same hotel as him (maybe same room with separate beds he said  ). Should I go? I mean... I'm pretty sure I'm going because I want this for her. I just hate that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you have to see your ex. He's very hard to read so I never know how to act around him. I'm always so uncomfortable around him, does that mean I still have feelings for him?? GOD I HOPE NOT! I could swear up and down I am over that whole thing but why do I feel so anxious and unsure? Do you think it's a good thing that I go? What if it makes me depressed all over again that we are not a family? I don't want to feel those feelings, it is the worst in the world. The last few visits - the leaving was the hardest part. Not necessarily because I want to be with him but just because I never know when my daughter will see him again. It's always bitter-sweet. Will it be like this forever? I can't handle this. |
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"Faith is sooo yummy!" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
wow. so you are going to drive 5 hours and stay in a hotel possibly the same room to make it easier for him? wow. you are the poster child for good sports. i dont know if i'd be that accommodating. good for you. really. i'd have pride issues, like, you want to see her, then you make the efforts not me. wow.
ok, i'd go since you already said you would. but i would insist on seperate rooms and he pays. you really are doing waaay more than most would do. and who needs that roller coaster again/ your own room and then you can break down and cry if/when you need to. If you think you can, or you think you cant - you are right. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Ya no kidding.. why are you having to do all the leg work? And share a room with him?! I'm not sure why you're glad he's making an effort to see her since he's not making any effort to see her. Face it, he's in Vegas for a job opportunity - a job he's wanting for himself - and is asking you to make the effort so he can see his daughter. You're giving him way too much credit. If I were in your shoes, I'd wish him luck on his job interview and give him my address so he can visit his daughter.
Will it be like this forever? Only if you continue to accomodate him everytime he calls. That pit in your stomach is probably a red flag warning.. |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
How far is he travelling to Vegas? Is 5 hours like you're meeting him halfway?
I dunno about sharing the hotel room. I'm assuming he's paying for it, but he should pay for two. 10 years from now does he expect you to be sharing hotel rooms with him? In my opinion, once divorced the sleeping arrangements should be typical for two adults who are not married. The other questions...well...I think that I used to feel the same pit that you're now feeling. When my ex first left and my dreams of a complete family unit were still fresh, it was very painful to have the temporary situations where we'd all be together. Now, I don't feel quite the same pit but I don't feel pleasant either. The dreams of the complete family unit have been replaced by memories from the past 10 years: so much sacrifice and effort I've put in while she persued her own interests. Now when I'm with her, the pit is over the injustice of what actually happened, rather than longing for what could have been. I hope this helps. Later, Bobby |
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I am New to SFV |
Hey, I really feel for you, I have been there and I know the feeling/confusion that you are facing.
As you have said he is making an effort to see his daughter, you might be right but on the other side he might also be using your daughter to toment and get back to you. Driving 5 hours for him to see his daughter,have you considered about the risk involved with travelling that long? If he is really making an effort he should consider the risk and cost involved (monetary,time and emotional) before making you to drive all the way. Let him drive if he is really trying to make an effort. Sharing the room ? I do not think so, he should pay for two. Thanks. |
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"Odd Duck" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well I guess I'll have to buck the system here.....
I say go.....I wouldn't stay in the same room with him but if you have the time and can do it why not... Ask yourself who you're doing this for....your child thats who... Perhaps if/when he gets the job he'll be closer and make the effort to come and be part of his daughters life... Why so much hostility and unwillingness here to help precipatate a relationship bewteen father and child.... Wow...so much negative vibes here......ick.... Like I said...I wouldn't stay with him but it takes two and why would you not do whatever you can for your daughter. I've had to deal with lack of effort and communication on Moms part since hannah was born and it has effected her terrible as she truely desires to have her mom & dad just get along. Many times I've had to keep my mouth shut and just go with the flow for her and I always will as wrong or as hurtful as it may be. As much as I dislike Mom and what she's done to our daughter to this day I'd lay on the floor with her and snuggle and play with hannah with her...cuz she aches to spend some intimate time with her mommy and daddy. I don't ever expect mom to make an effort but I always will and one day my daughter will look at her mom and ask why are you such a bitch...and she will know I did everything I could for her. So I get hurt along the way....if my girlie is smiling I'm doing the right thing.... So leave the past where it is and swallow whatever you need to swallow and make the effort.... If he doesn't thats his problem and he'll pay for it one day.... Don't do it for you...don't do it for him....do it for her.... |
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Active Board Parent |
I agree with HannasBoy, give the poor guy a brake, the fact that he is the father doesn't mean he's got deep pockets, 1st class airfare, 2 rooms at The Venetian ($ 300 each), etc.
Here's a suggestion: if you really want nothing to do with him, take a girlfriend, let him have his father daughter moments and you can go out and have fun, this way you don't have to spend every moment together and you'll be putting a distance between you two. |
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"Faith is sooo yummy!" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I'm not saying to keep a child away from a father who wants to see her. I apologize if that is what came across. I'm just looking at driving 5 hours alone - each way - as a pretty big deal. now strap an infant in to a car seat, pull over to feed, pull over to change diapers, pull over to let her stretch? pull over for gas and food for mommy - that is a lot longer than 5 hours now. then her little scedule is all out of whack for days. just as she starts to readjust bam, strapped in for 5+ more hours. i just think the toll to mother and baby is significant. forgive the drama, but i honestly would be afraid of breaking down in a cell dead zone and being really vulnerable. it was one thing when it was just me, but no way i'd take faith for a 5 hour drive unless i reallllllly had to. then i'd be begging friends, relatives, anyone to come with me for safety. adrian - great idea with the friend thing. it is the only way i'd relax doing it. if he met you at the 2 hour point, i'd do that with less trepidation. now i feel like i am filling you with reasons to fear where you might not have had them before. i just think somehow, there is an easier, safer, better way. If you think you can, or you think you cant - you are right. |
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"Odd Duck" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Laurie I understand your point and wasn't kicking anyone...
Thing is...knowing the neighborhood and the price of gas these days one could fly Ca to vegas for less than a tank of gas I agree with adrian as well...the friend thing is a good idea too.. My point is that the screw him let him come and see her if he really wants to attitude is wrong...it will only make him less likely to try..... |
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"Faith is sooo yummy!" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
agreed. absolutely. hence saying i would have pride issues - not a flattering thing at all - tis the toughest of the 7 deadly sins. i applaud natsmom for being a waaay better sport than me. i do hope she can draw that line in the sand as to how much is too much though - asking to share a room makes me think this guy will push until he's told that's far enough. If you think you can, or you think you cant - you are right. |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hey Adrian,
I just wanted to say you're awesome and I love your responses. Remember how angry you were when you first came here? Lol...I can post links if you want... Later, Bobby |
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Active Board Parent |
Thanks Bobby, I guess it took me awhile to understand that if I had nothing useful to say don't say anything at all...lol
Laurie, I've been ordered to take this trips to California (1362 miles point to point) and neither the lawyers nor the judge give a ***** about schedules,etc., I have to find a way to fly, I take my office with me, a lot of things to take on a plane, any way, I do it in a 1 1/2 day, LA/Vegas shoul take less than 5 hrs. even counting all the stops you mentioned and a baby her age is going to sleep most of the way, I guarantee it. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well I guess I was just looking at the bigger picture. If you take the 5 hour trip, wouldn't you be setting a standard? Are you prepared to be taking this trip everytime he calls you? It's going to be harder saying no after you've made the trip before and he may expect you (and guilt trip you) into doing it over again.
I also think it's great to encourage the father/daughter relationship and if there's anything you can do to support it, great. I also think it's not your responsibility to perform magic and if he really wants to see his daughter, he should be making the efforts. In the future, compromise most definitely, but don't put yourself out until your certain of his credibility. |
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Parent on Board |
Wow, thank you to everyone who responded. This is why my mind is struggling with what to do! All of you have excellent points, and my mind tugs me one way then the next day I change my mind.
I know for sure that I don't want to keep my daughter from her father. I will do whatever I can so they can see each other. But all of Laurie's points are what keep running through my mind. How will I feed her, change her, keep her happy on a 5 hour drive? Her schedule will be all messed up by the time we get back home. I'm trying to talk my parents into coming with me, but they won't come unless he pays for it all. I feel bad asking for money from him. He sends a little money monthly but that goes for diapers, formula, etc. so I hate asking for more for the trip. All my friends are married with kids and don't think they will want to go. I would hate to ask them to leave their families to come deal with my drama. But I think I will ask him to get 2 rooms, I'm just so uncomfortable with staying in the same room. Do you think I should let Natalie stay in his room overnight? I don't think he really knows how to take care of a baby, but he might ask. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I was actually in a similar situation, a few years ago. My son's dad offered to pay for us to fly down to his province of residence and stay in his apartment for a week. He wanted to get reaquainted with his son. I felt really uncomfortable about that because he has a controlling personality. I did find it funny that he refered to it as a 'holiday' though.. lol
Anyhow, I replied in saying that I didn't feel comfortable staying at his place (4 years after we broke up) and I couldn't afford to pay for a hotel either. He said he wasn't going to be paying for a flight PLUS hotel so I was just going to have to get over it. I suggested for him to fly over to our province instead which would save him the cost of an additional ticket and since he has a lot of friends here, he could always crash at someone's place. He refused!! He got so angry over the thought of it, that visit never happened. So much for wanting to reconnect with his son. As it stands today, his intentions were to get back together with me.. as he's just left his son high and dry with a lot of unanswered questions. Think about what your ex's motive is. It's not realistic to expect your ex to share a hotel - cost or no cost. I agree with Laurie as well. The trip is going to be a lot harder for you to take with an infant, then it is for him to come to you. Why isn't he coming to you? Have you even asked? |
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Parent on Board |
He supervises construction jobs in several states and they are sending him to Vegas to start another project. He will only be there for 3 days & his point is that since I have the summer off I have the time to drive. Whereas he would not get to drive here because of work. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well I can understand that. It's really nice of you to help him out. I know you really want him a part of your daughter's life. What comes to mind now though .. in fairness of your daughter .. how realistic is it going to be for her to meet him now if he's going to be so busy with the new business? I mean, is he planning on moving there permanently or is he flying back once the business is up and running? I dont know if you'll want to start something if he can't commit to it in the long run. It's only going to hurt your daughter.
I'm sorry. I guess I'm not for this decision. I hope you can just see this as an opposing point of view. Maybe he's moving to Vegas permanently .. which is great all around.. and I hope in this case, in the future, he will take the initiative to at least meet you half way next time. You sure are taking some chances on this fellow. |
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On the Board |
Well I feel like I am just going to say what most of the mothers are pointing out. I understand you wanting to go for your daughter, but I think it will be too hard on her. I recently took a trip that lasted only about 3 hours each way. I had my two kids (almost 1 and 3) and my mom. The drive up there was not so bad, but the drive back was horrible. I do not know how old your daughter is but my daughter did not sleep most of the way. She was upset to be in a carseat for the long period. When we did stop to give her a break she was upset to go back in. I would think a road trip like that would be way to difficult for her.
I am not trying say the father should not see his daughter, but this just seems really ridiculous to me. Maybe he can ask for a few days off after Vegas so he can come to y'all. If you do decide to go, I would ask him to send you money for the gas to get there. I mean with the price of gas these days, I am sure you could use it for something that both you and your daughter need, not something your Ex wants. At least have him pay for half the gas. Second I you should make sure he has gotten a second room. That is not something you should have to deal with. I do not know about you, but I can not trust my Ex. I would make sure with the hotel that there is a room specifically for you. About letting your daughter spend the night with him, that would be completely up to you. If you are just afraid that he might not be able to handle it, remember that you will be in the same building. If he has any trouble, all he would have to do is call your room. It would not take much time for you to get to his and pick your daughter up. I hope this has helped and you will have peace with whatever decision you make. "I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people." - Sir Isaac Newton |
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"Faith is sooo yummy!" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
I am glad you said that. I did not want to be argumentative with adrian, but my daughter hates the car seat. i know, most kids love the car, love a drive, helps them sleep. that used to be the case, but no more. she screams when i put her in the seat, screams while in it, laughs and smiles the second i take her out, then screams when she has to go back in the car seat again. i am all for seeing the dad. there's not one single part of me that would take that 5+ hour drive. if she needed medical care, ok. otherwise, not a chance. If you think you can, or you think you cant - you are right. |
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Parent on Board |
Thank you for mentioning that I will be in the same building! I didn't even think of that, duh! I feel better knowing I can just walk to his room if need be. I guess she can stay in his room if he wants. Maybe they can have some bonding time together. I know it's going to be a tough trip to make in just a couple of days, I'm hoping I don't regret this. I've been happier lately and I don't want this to throw me back in the depths of sadness. |
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