I've just enrolled my son in the Big Brothers and was wondering if anyone here has any experience with them? We've just finalized all of the paperwork and are waiting for a match. I'm a little uprehensive about it but my son is excited. I'm hoping it'll be a positive experience for him. Anyone?

I haven't done it but I looked into it, I think, the kids have to be at least 7. I think is great, it'll give him interaction with a male. Another person other than you. I almost did it with somebody and all the things you are thinking went through my mind too, you know, letting somebody walk out the door with my baby, I'm sure in that program you know who you're dealing with.
Good luck.

Adrian

Actually, I was a Big Sister in that program for 10 years, till my "little" turned 18 and graduated from high school. I can't say enough about it. They work really hard to match Bigs and Littles up so they can bond, have things in common... It's great. Your son will get so much out of it.

Thanks! I have to do something - especially now that his dad has walked out on him. He needs that male companion and he's screaming for it. Lately, everytime we see a guy we know, J starts barking and clawing at them. I don't know how to get him to stop!! I keep reminding him, "Hands to self" "Use your words" "Personal space" but he gets so excited, he just doesn't listen. It makes it an akward situation for us all. I'm hoping the BB will tone down some of these behaviours but it's going to take about 6 months to find someone. (sigh) I wish it was sooner..

I know what you mean, my poor daughter is the same way, if I go to a restaurant she is going to hug the waitress, drive my female neighbors crazy and I could keep going on for ever, she needs that mother figure, its really sad, it makes me want to marry the first skirt that walks by.

quote:

Originally posted by Adrian1trk:
its really sad, it makes me want to marry the first skirt that walks by.

Ever been to Canada? lol
Maybe you can look into a Big Sister. That might help?

quote:

Originally posted by jwriter:
Actually, I was a Big Sister in that program for 10 years, till my "little" turned 18 and graduated from high school. I can't say enough about it. They work really hard to match Bigs and Littles up so they can bond, have things in common... It's great. Your son will get so much out of it.

Janet you just keep getting cooler and cooler with each revealed layer!

UPDATE:

So I spoke with BB's coordinator yesterday, after she met up with the both of us last week. It turns out she doesn't feel J is ready to have a BB yet. She's concerned with him being able to protect himself and also with his barking.

I had another long talk about this with him. I gave him some "what would you do if.." and from some of the answers (not all) he gave me, it's as if he would believe with the lies a person would tell him.

For example, "What if someone did <blank> and told you not to tell your mom because she would get really angry and you'd be in big trouble? .. or she wouldn't believe you?" His answer was that he'd tell someone else. How can I help him with these situations if he's going to believe that I'd be angry with HIM?? I told him over and over again, I will NEVER be angry at him for <blank> and he seemed ok with it.. but is he ready?

As for the barking, he gave me three reasons as to why he barks:
1) to scare people away "I don't like strangers" (men)
2) "because I like to bark"
3) to be silly

#1 concerned me most. He doesn't like men because he thinks they're all "bad guys". I've been teaching him stranger-safety but I've never taught him that all men were bad guys. Unfortunately, with dad being who he is; plus we had a guy try and break into our house recently at 2am .. and all the talk about "good touches" and "bad touches" .. he's gotten all wrapped up. Now he's saying he doesn't want a BB because he's a man but wants his BB to be a woman. I then convinced him to at least give him a chance and if he didn't like him or feel comfortable with him, he didn't have to continue.

Thank goodness for the doctor's app tomorrow.
Any suggestions?

If the coordinator is saying he isn't old enough to protect himself... that scares me. Its funny about the barking thing. My 16 month old likes to growl. But not at strangers. Mainly when I am playing with her.

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Originally posted by ALASKA:
If the coordinator is saying he isn't old enough to protect himself... that scares me. Its funny about the barking thing. My 16 month old likes to growl. But not at strangers. Mainly when I am playing with her.

He is old enough actually. They have to be at least 7 to qualify and J will be turning 8 soon. It's typical for toddlers to make animal sounds. As an 8 year old giant though .. not so much.

Yeah but the fact that you are going to leave your kid with someone and they might need to protect himself is a scary thought. At least to me.

quote:

Originally posted by ALASKA:
Yeah but the fact that you are going to leave your kid with someone and they might need to protect himself is a scary thought. At least to me.

Absolutely! But I have to do something for him. I'm obviously not going to send him off to a pack of wolves but you can never be too cautious. It may take 6 months to find a match for him anyway .. as a standard. Once they do, I'll see if he's ready. I want this to be a positive experience for him. He's been put through the ringer enough as it is.

Understandable. After the experience with my baby girl I am sooo paranoid over my kids.

I understand your position. Sounds like J really needs some good male role models but I would be cautious (which I'm sure you are). I'm mega overprotective of my son because he has been left in the care of questionable individuals in the past (without my knowledge or consent). You hear about all manner of freaks preying on children these days. Have you thought about getting him involved in sports activities or scouts. I know those have been great for my 11 year old nephew and his friends. My son has been going to a school sponsored summer program in which they take kids swimming, bowling, skating, etc. The big selling point to me was that there were male and female chaperones/supervisors/teachers that all work for the school district and no child is ever alone with anyone. They always have other kids and multiple adults with them. I know because I've done a few pop in visits because I wanted to make sure they are doing what they promised. I'm not much for one on one time with complete strangers. Not that the big brother/sister program is bad because I think it is great. I haven't been involved with it personally so I don't want to sound like I'm passing judgement or anything. Just be careful.

Thanks guys. I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. BB isn't exactly my most favourable route to take either but I don't know what else to do. J has been involved in sports but he's not the athletic type unfortunately so he struggles. He's been in soccer, baseball, tai kwon do, and swimming .. all of which were challenging. He's really into biking these days which is great but it requires my supervision, and we do it together.

We went to the doctor's appointment today to see if he could recommend a counsellor for J to talk with. The doctor just recommended his pediatrician instead. As soon as he came in the room and started asking questions, J started kicking at the bottom of my foot.. non-stop. Not hard or anything but he was obviously trying to get my attention. Maybe he was feeling anxious that we were talking about him (he didn't want to go to the doctor); Maybe he was wanting my undivided attention (he's so use to that).. I asked him to stop several times; warning him there would be a consequence if he didn't. The doctor basically said it's because of my "lack of skills" but it's evident he's struggling with some issues. So I walk in looking for help for J, and walked out feeling like an incompetant bag!!

Anyway, roadblocks everywhere. I just want him to be happy and I'm only one person. I don't know what else to try!

Wow, that sounds like a discouraging doctor's visit.

Your doctor suggested that your son's behaviours are a result of your lack of parenting skills. What did the doctor suggest you do to gain the skills you're lacking? Did he give you a list of videos, classes, or books that he thinks would be helpful in your situation?

If your doctor didn't give you any parenting suggestions, and you want some, I'm a big fan of Love and Logic. Let me know if you want to know more.

I think it's always good to build up our skills as parents. But that simply is not the only thing that's going on here. Your son has basically been abandoned by his father. That kind of thing causes emotional distress, which is very likely to result in negative, attention-seeking behaviours.

I really think you should continue to pursue looking for a counsellor for your son. Is he in school? I know the social worker at our school has a good list of childrens' counsellors in our area. Perhaps you could inquire that way.

And by the way, try not to get upset with yourself about this. You are only one person, and you're doing a great job in your pursuit for how to help your son be well-adjusted and happy. Your son is so lucky to have you advocating for him! Keep seeking answers. You will find them.

Thanks captmatrix.. that really means a lot. After the appointment, I went to the washroom and burst into tears. I rarely cry. The doctor recommended his pediatrician to possibly talk about putting him on medication for his ADHD. My son's dad walked out on him and he wants to medicate him?! He feels a therapist won't be able to help him if J is unfocused. J does really well in a one-to-one situation but apparently I should discuss this with the ped. instead. How about that..

While he was in school, I tried getting him involved with the school counsellor when J was having difficulties with his dad. They signed him up to meet with the Youth Worker instead but when I talked with the YW about his progress, she said she doesn't do one-on-one therapy. She basically works with a group of kids to help them with social skills, sharing, etc. I was surprised I wasn't given anything by the end of the school year either.

Funny thing is, I work with students with behavioural problems. That's what I do all day long and I've seen a lot of progress in them. For the most part, my son does well at home as well but he does go through spells sometimes .. always have. One of our biggest problems though is not having enough time apart, so he can get use to the idea of sharing me with other people.

SHip him up here to me. Ill drag him to go fishing . After a couple weeks he would realize how good you are lol. I say keep him off the drugs. Why is it that doctors never want to solve the problem but want to medicate it. GRRR I had the school counslor call me in once to question me about why my daughter wont play with the boys. I told her she was a young girl and boys have cooties. Dumb people really make me angry lol

Miss j, I'm interested in what the doctor said. He said you need more skills, but did he have any suggestions for you to try?

I think it's great that your doctor is suggesting that you improve your parenting, after all, doctors would be a group I would think are qualified in making that recommendation. It's no fun to have someone suggest you're not doing a good job, but in the interest of being the best mom I can, I would want to know if there was something I could improve upon.

But. (big but here...)

If he just basically was saying, "Your kid is having troubles because you sukc as a parent," and has no concrete suggestions to help you improve, well, I'd be very offended.

I'd also be inclined to find a new doctor. This guy (or girl) is clearly not on the same page as you as far as what your child needs.

I find it VERY interesting that you work with students with behaviour issues, yourself! Did your doctor know that? Did he attempt to find out what you already know about kids and behaviour management, or just jump to the conclusion that you know nothing?

I can completely see why you were so upset after the appointment. I'm upset just reading it.

Alaska: my son would have a great time. He'll do just about anything. I was going to take him camping with my sister and kids next month but I think I'm going to send him without me. My sister seems receptive to it. I'd love to take your offer though .. but obviously, you're a guy from the internet I've never met lol Thanks though!

Capt:

quote:

He said you need more skills, but did he have any suggestions for you to try?

He hasn't seen us for several years actually. We were in there today for roughly 4 minutes total. He didn't make any suggestions. He recognizes that J is dealing with issues that are associated with his dad - gave us the referal and that was that.

quote:

I find it VERY interesting that you work with students with behaviour issues, yourself! Did your doctor know that? Did he attempt to find out what you already know about kids and behaviour management, or just jump to the conclusion that you know nothing?

Both the doctor and J's pediatrician wanted to put him on meds before he was even diagnosed. The psychologist who assessed/diagnosed him however, felt he didn't need it. He's not spinning out of control. Man, I've worked with hard ADHD kids and my son is nothing like them. When I talked to the pediatrician about wanting to try alternatives before considering meds, she said, "Careful what you read on the internet." lol She even knew what I did for a living!

Anyway, I'm waiting for her to call me to set an appointment. All I want her to do is recommend a therapist for J. He needs to talk to someone about these things. The fact that he won't even address his dad by "dad" tells me he's really hurt. He's been through a lot in his little life already .. stemming all the way back from his birth complications and developmental delays. I can't believe I'm getting the run-around when I'm trying to get him some help.

I cannot sing the praises of BBBS enough! Both my children are involved and they were PERFECTLY matched with their Bigs.

My daughter just celebrated her 1 year anniversary and my son has his coming up in 3 weeks. They have very close relationships with them.

Their dad is a decided deadbeat :-( But, my son's Big has stepped in and helped in a major way. He has helped boost his confidence to try sports and activities. He is a role model by being educated, active, and a good communicator. He works with me very well if my son is having some difficulties dealing.

I hope you guys have as good as experience as we do.

I want to do the same thing for my ten year old son. His father is still very much in his life, however he is very negative and makes our son feel unsure of himself. I would like a positive role model for him. I think I will look into the Big Brother program as well. Good luck on your search. Keep me posted, I would like to know how things work out for you