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I am New to SFV |
Hi-I am new to this group and am seeking some advice. I was hoping for some insight on filing bankruptcy. I am at the point where I think that I should, but I do not know if it is the way to go.
This post will probably be kind of lengthy, but here goes-I am in the process of a divorce, which I am not sure of either. I have been married for 9 years and been with Jerry since I was 16. We are 31 now. My children are 8,6,and two and absolutley adore their dad. He has been a great provider, husband and dad until about a year ago when he became a drug addict. I have tried to fix us for so long that I got tired of it and left. He has tried several times to get better, but it has been very hard. We are ruined financially because of his use and some is because of our spending habits. I am a registered nurse, and make good money, but he lost his job in Sept. and has been working when he can with his brother, but does not make as much as he did. As far as the divorce goes, I would like some insight into the fact of, can a marriage work with a recovering drug addict? Another problem is my mother. She absolutely hates Jerry now for what he has done to us. If I was to go back to him she would not speak to me. She has helped us out financially, but all of it is being repaid back to her. I love my mom and it kills me that she will not talk to me if I go back. She used to like Jerry until all of this happened. By the way she drinks beer every night "because she likes the taste of it". Her drinking has never affected any aspect of her life. So there is no comparison to her and Jerry in her eyes. She has always been very well off because my grandmother had money. She also goes to Bioluxi(?) about once a month and their is no telling how much money she blows there. This is the person who thinks that I should get away from Jerry and I have a hard time not comparing the two. She has never known what is is like to struggle financially. But it still kills me to think that she would not talk to me if I did decide to not get divorced. Jerry's drug use has been were he binges. He would go off for 8-12 hours and no one would no where he was then he would come home and say he was using and to please forgive him. This has gone on for about two years except fo the times he was in NA or rehab. In the beginning before I put all moneys in my name he would use our money for these "binges" and that is what has gotten us so behind as well as him loosing his job in Sept. So, I need advice on bankruptcy, should I go through with the divorce and my mom-lol. I hope I did not give Information overload!!!!!! Hope to hear from someone soon. Thanks for listening-Jens |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Eeesh... I went through something like this with my X - she was the addict... Can I ask what kind of drug? I suspect Meth... It realy messes up the users brain. Don't even consider going back, there has been perminent damage and he is not the same nor will he ever be.
As far as chapter-whatever, you need to talk to a lawyer about that stuf. |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
I do not know how that came back up-Oh well. Close-Cocaine. How did you let her go? I want it to get better so bad. Do they ever get better? |
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!!  |
They only get better when they have finally had enough themselves. No person, laws, anything can make that choice for them. I had my "enough" over 10 years ago. Today I have a respectable business, custody of my youngest daughter and life is good(mostly).
It is quite difficult for a marriage to work with an addict, if he is truly in the recovering stage and not still slipping up it would greatly help, obviously. Your best bet for contemplating bankruptcy would be talk with a lawyer. They'll look at every aspect of your finances and give you the best advice for your individual situation. A word of caution, if you are filing for bankruptcy and he is still causing you financial issues due to active addiction you will likely find yourself not being able to meet the recquirements of fulfilling your bankruptcy if you decide against divorce beforehand. I wish you well with it all. |
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I am New to SFV |
Thank you so much for your reply-I have read so many of these posts and ya'll seem like a great group of people. I am going to put the divorce on hold only until we file the bankruptcy together. I moved out and got my own apartment whith the kids on April 24th. I am not planning on letting him comew back until he takes care of his own stuff(finding a place to live,taking care of his bad checks and taking care of an unpaid ticket etc.) We are still friends and he watches the kids while I work somtimes. If we do not file bankruptcy together now he will do it on his own and then I am really screwed because they will come for me. He has a lot of proving to do and we have major trust issues. I am just confussed all the time because I still love him so and want the old Jerry back. Only time will tell. What reply do you have about my mother. Did you have problems with your families before you left for good? Jens |
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"Forever" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
Jens,
Regarding your mother, her reaction seems to me absolutely loyal to you and also protective of you. She had to choose between your husband and you, when he screwed up, and she chose you. If he takes control of his life again, and becomes the person he was before, than I am sure she will also support your life together again. By saying she won�t talk to you any more she only makes it clear that she will not let her daughter and her grand children be drawn even further into this. I don�t understand, from the information you�re giving in your posts, why you say �I have a hard time not comparing the two�. Is she an addict to anything ? From what you say, she�s drinking her beer every night, well, I am from Bavaria, and believe me, we�re not a population of drunks, but beer is actually considered �food� here (it does have a little less alcohol than yours, that�s true), and she goes gambling (Biloxi ? or did I get that wrong ?). Well, if she�s a rich lady, she can spend her money the way she wishes. She has helped you out, hasn�t she ?! And she probably will again, if she knows she�s not throwing it into a bottomless hole. Just MHO. |
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!! |
Jen,
Red already stated it, your mother is just looking out for your best interest regardless of what she may be doing herself. As you said, what she does has not adversely affected her life, right? I've had my family very much dislike some of my relationships, didn't make sense to me at the time, but later on I came to realize that they were right. Parents usually only want the best for the children, and it breaks their heart to see their children making less than desirable choices for themselves. I believe that, your mom saying she won't speak to you again, is her way of trying to "tip the scales" of your decisions's regarding Jerry. I'm sure she is the type that only wants to see you have the best life you can. If you are planning a divorce, be sure to talk about this as well with a bankruptcy lawyer. It's just you run a risk of more financial obligations if he still messes up after the bankruptcy but before a divorce. I had a friend file bankruptcy that included debt incurred by her ex husband after they were separated, but not yet divorced. That was actually part of the reason for her filing bankruptcy. |
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"SEEKING: 25th hour & 8th day" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
jens,
You have had some very good advise here. I especially like yuki's suggestions about alanon. I however have some different suggestions concerning bankruptcy. Yes speak to an attorney concerning bankruptcy. Find out where you stand. You do not have to or should you wait until you get into hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. FIRST .. according to Florida law (check for Alabama) .. once you legally file separation/divorce papers you are not reponsible for any more debt incurred by the other party (my ex tried this to the tune of $14,000 ... I had proof). Mind you this is only in the eyes of the courts not the creditors. When or before (as in now) you file separation or divorce papers call the creditors and have your name removed or the account suspended. Once the divorce is final you can file bankruptcy in your name ... my ex forced me into this as well. It is not as horrible as it once was. Talk to an attorney .. that part is free. There are many provisions as far as your car, house .. etc. Please do not risk getting any deeper. Seek help from Alanon and question attorneys. Good Luck. Carla |
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I am New to SFV |
Ya'll have been great!!! I have an appt. with a lawyer for the bankruptcy on Tues. me and Jerry are going to this appt. together. I also have another lawyer who is my lawyer and doing the divorce. I have already paid for a divorce, we just need papers. Jerry does not have a lawyer and is not getting one. The reason for the bankruptcy is because the house is in both our names and the 2nd mtg is in my name only. The people from the 2nd mtg company are saying they are going to garnish my wages if it is not paid.
Jerry does not make much money right now and has not made a house pmt in 3 months. I moved out April 24th and got an apartment. I did not want the house or any part of it anymore! I had to get away and start fresh.I will talk to the lawyer on Tues. and let ya'll know what is said. If we do not file as married, he will file by himself and they will come to me. I do not know much about bankruptcy so I have a thousand questions for this lawyer. At least the first visit is free! Thank you so much for all your words of advice. I so much agree with yukis advice about alanaon and the year of sobriety! We are living separate right now and I do not intend on him coming back until I am sure that he is clean. We are friends and civil at this point and I hope it stays this way.I have tried alanaon before, but I have not really given it a chance. Things would get better so I would stop going. Thanks again for all your support!!!!!! Jens |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Well... It was actually easy to do when I walked in on her with another man... the next day I started interviewing lawyers for the job. She has not changed anything, she attacked me physically when I told her that I had a lawyer and was not going to pay for her to have one and that landed her in jail over night with a 90 day restraining order. Her case was deferred (sp) but she screwed that up too and got busted on a random drug test with her probation officer. You just need to come to the realization that it is simply not a good situation and you need to walk away from it, I don't care WHAT you have to tell yourself. Mind over mind, make it happen. How much farther do you want it to go, what is it going to take? |
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I am New to SFV |
Chad-
Thank you for your advice. The problem wuth my stbx is that he has never had anything bad happen to him legally. He has nver been caught. So the lawyer says that I have to let the kids see him on his weekends. He has also helped in watching them overnight because I work night shift. I really do not know how I feel. I am trying so hard to let it go but it is so dang hard. I kind of wish I would find him in the bed with someone else-That would make it easier to hate him! Do you have sole custody of your child? Tell me how that happened? Hope to hear from you soon-Jen
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Well... in my case me having custody was obviously best for the child. She's got issues with completing anything and was hooked on meth for a while. I got affidavits from people that saw her doing it, people she addimited to doing all kinds of things, then busted her in bed. She's go no education and no drive, probably the root of OUR problems.
I hired a lawyer that was known for fathers advocacy and I had the case built before even paying a lawyer. It just worked out right for me. I have photographic evidence of her lack of efforts in caring for the home, police records of her getting violent. I had so much on her that we never even made it to court, it was all settled in mediation. She gets time every other weekend, for a long time it was supervised. She had 8 jobs in 6 months and was fired from all of them. She's inconsiderate of other people when it comes to being on time or not showing up at all. The best thing you can do is document everything and I mean everything. I started documenting things when she quit going to counceling about a year before I filed for the divorce, because I knew it was coming. When your motherinlaw tells you to file, there is something wrong. She's been to her moms too, live there twice and been kicked out twice since the divorce. In a way I feel bad for her but I cannot let myself fall into that trap again. She's even asked if there was any way that we could get back together. I'd rather be single, sexless and bald; so far I am only 2 out of three and no where close to bald LOL |
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I am New to SFV |
Thanks Chad- I will start documenting things now. The problem is he is on his best bevavior because he does not want to loose the kids. Like I said before he has always been a great dad to the kids. He is just like them-lol. Well I go see the bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow for a free consulation. I am so mad a t him that it has come to this.I am a nurse and make good money, but I will not pay for my apartment and his house. They are about to forclose on the house and the 2nd mtg company is talking about garnishing my wages. I have a good stable job an been their 7 years and now he is working with his brother "under the table". My mother is having a fit that I am even contemplating bankruptcy, but I do not know any other way. The 2nd mtg payment paid his truck off and I will not pay for his truck! He has been in the house since April 24th and has not paid one payment!!!! Thanks for letting me vent Im just really p'd off right now!!!! Jen P.s. Divorce is for the birds-I hope their is a light at the end of this tunnel!!!!! |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
There is a light somewhere.. just don't get turned arround the wrong way.
How many payments have been missed on the house? If you haven't missed any then you probably cant file bankrupcy. I would consider suing your husband for misleading you into financing his truck with your house. If the title to the truck is in your name, sell it and get him an old one for $1000. This way you are not doing anything but protecting your finances. Is he on to you? |
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I am New to SFV |
What do you mean on to me? I have been out of the house since April 24th. I left with me and the kids and got an apartment because I was fed up. When I left all bills were current including April's house payment. He has not made a one since I left. The creditors are coming to me because I have a job and make money. According to them right now Jerry is unemployed. I do not want the house and the upkeep for the house with my three children.As far as sueing him -you can't bleed a turnip! My wages will be garnished not his. So that is why I am considering bankruptcy. He has said with or without me he is going to file. Thanks for taking the time to respond. You can e-mail me directly if you want too. I think this is the longest thread-lol Jen p.s. His truck is probably only worth 1500.00! |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
My bad, brain farts happen more the older you get... That's messed up. You be sure to update on how the meeting with the lawyers go. |
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I am New to SFV |
I private messaged you because this discussion is getting so long. Hope its ok? Jens  |
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