Hi, I am new to the site, which is a great site by the way. I am a 26 y/o single father of a great little 6 y/o. I could use some advice on something though. My daughters mother has once again vanished from the face of earth. I haven't heard from her since before Christmas. My daughter, though keeps talking about her as if she is an active part of her life and asking when she will see her again. I don't like lying to my daughter and am getting very frustrated with her mothers actions, she didn't even call on our daughters birthday. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Why are you lieing? Simply tell her you don't know where mommy is. I wouldn't be so lucky as for my X to run off like that. I have primary custody of a 4 1/2 y/o and today was her day to pick him up for the weekend and she could not make it because she got kicked out of her mothers house. I had to explain something as my son was upset when she didn't show, but I guess he'll get used to it as time goes on. So it was off to the park to play for a while before going home today, distractions are good.

vadar77,
You need to be truthful in a way that does not bash her mother. This is like dancing on nails sometime. One day she will understand and respect you so much for not saying an unkind word but still telling the truth.
Carla

Hi vadar77 and Chadthedad,
Came back to welcome you both to the site. It is great and I hope you both stick around and enjoy.
Carla

I guess I used the wrong word there, I wasn't lying, but I would quickly change the subject.
Thanks for the advice though. Its been really frustrating recently since my daughter goes to play at her friends and their moms are always there, it gets her to wonder about her mother.

Hello & Welcome!!!
My daughter was 6 when her father & I seperated. I was always honest with her. Don't aviod the questions. Just answer them to the best of your ability. I never made up stories for her or tried to make excuses for my ex. I would just say, I don't know why daddy hasn't called/come to see you, you can ask him why the next time he calls or visits you. She always seemed fine with that and she would ask him why instead of asking me. She is now 9 and understands she has no control over his actions. She still loves her dad but doesn't ask about him much because she is busy with her own life. My sons father's were gone when they were babies and I always wondered how hard it was going to be when they started school and saw all the father's with sons. They didn't really seem upset by it at all, we just talked about what makes up a family and they are not all the same. Simple seems to be best. Good luck!!!

I really like the idea of telling the kid he has to ask the father/mother himself why he/she doesn�t come, call or whatever they promised.
I guess we can�t make up excuses forever, probably shouldn�t make them up at all, if we don�t know the real reason (except that that appointment was probably the lowest possible priority ).
Actually, there are many questions I�d like answered myself, and I am thinking, maybe he will answer the kid, he never gives ME an answer to my questions.

Hi Vader77, (by the way, cool name)

I also agree not to avoid the question. You are only delaying, and your answer is not going to change. It is going to keep coming up. Honesty really is best, even if it sometimes hurts.

I am in a similiar situation and am still not quite sure what to say to my beautiful little girl about her father... I could tell her the truth about how he was a crackhead in and out of jail and nevr bothered to check on her, but that would damage her for life and make her feel unwanted and unloved same with your lil ones mother. It could really damage your daughter telling her she just left. Be honest but just be careful on your choice of words.. tell her she went on vacation or something at least until you can think of something more definitive to say..... Good Luck and always let your daughter know how much YOU love her

Speaking from exp. you want to tell your child the truth. When I was younger my father wasnt around and my mom always lied and made up storys about where he was at and when I found out the truth I mad at her for lying to me. So now when my son and daughter are old enough ask wheres my daddy im going to tell them the truth, but without bashing him. Im going to smiply say that mommy doesnt where daddy is.

Be truthful...

Lies will only bite you back in the end. I always tell my daughter the truth about her mother (to a certain level that fits her age). I was raised by my father and I have so much respect for him now because he never lied about my mother and why she did the things she did. It may have hurt when he told me but it was better than being hurt and finding out that you have been lied to

It know it sucks� the only person who really gets hurt is the child� I wish my ex would realize that

Serenity92131
Same as above. Tell the truth, but fill in the details as your daughter becomes old enough to understand. Maybe "I don't know where your father is. He was not nice to you or me when he was here. I am glad that I have you. I love you very much." Children will generally ask for more information when they are ready for it. Sometimes acknowledging their concerns is all they need.
Skip the "crackhead" and "in jail" comments until she is old enough to understand that who her biological father is and what he has done in his life are in no way reflected in her.
Gwen

My mom also did the same thing, but when I was old enough to understand I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at him. When my children ask why mommy & daddy aren't together, I simply tell them the truth, I don't sugarcoat it but I also don't go into great detail. Children are usually satisfied with a simple answer that they don't have to ask "but why" over and over. I don't "bash" their dad (at least not in front of them) but I don't make him out to be something he's not. In the end, as time passes by, they will know I loved them and I was there when they needed me. At least that's what I tell myself every day. It's hard to hear your children get excited about what daddy/mommy did and does and lets them do when you are the primary caregiver and things can't always be a "fun time". So hang in there and know that you're doing the best for your children that you can!

Welcome!

quote:

Originally posted by Gabriel's Mom:
[qb]Welcome![/qb]

I agree with most here. I have been in a similar situation myself several times with my daughters father. The best thing is to be honest without basing the person. Be honest in the nicest way possible and just reasure them that you love them and that the other parent loves them too even though they are not always there. When your child is old enough she can ask her own questions to her mother and make her own judgement and decide how to move on from it. I think that is the best way to go.

Well, thank you all once again for the advice. I just wish my daughteers mother would realize what shes missing out on.

quote:

Originally posted by vadar77:
[qb]Well, thank you all once again for the advice. I just wish my daughteers mother would realize what shes missing out on.[/qb]

I have a similar situation, but we do know where my kids' father is...he just doesn't come to see them. About every 6 months he'll see them. The questions I get from my younger (12)son are so sad like, "how can he just forget us?" I just tell him that I don't know, but I try not to speak poorly of their dad. It's really hard sometimes. I can get pretty angry still when they ask a question like that. My older one is like your child, though he's 15. He talks like his dad is kind of part of his life or something, like he's still around but just too busy (he's been unemployed for 2 and a half years) to be able to get together. I guess my advice (not sure if it's good advice) is to give real answers to her questions when she does ask them, but to let her live in this coping-mechanism way while she needs to. Hope that's good advice, I'm doing that myself with my older son at times. Good luck to you!