Hi, I'm new to the site. Been separated for about 7 months from my abusive ex. It was rarely physical abuse, only hurt me a few times, which is why I was so conflicted and it took me so long to get out. However he did verbally abuse me, and my two kids, and mentally abused us, as well as isolated me from everyone and everything that had ever meant anything to me in my life. We were together over ten years, and the last 7 were **** for me. I finally got to the point that I was so depressed I was ready to end it all, then along came the internet.

Suddenly I had friends again. Then again he started with they don't care about you, they arent good enough for you, you need different kinds of friends. He would always try and pick my friends for me too, i couldnt have any that i chose, they had to be from him.

Anyway, things finally got to the point that we decided to end it. Now here we are, kids have adjusted to the change and whatnot, and he decides that he DID abuse me, and will admit it to anyone, but knows it was wrong, will never do it again, and doesnt think we should throw our marriage away because of it.

He has been telling me that he loves me, cant live without me, I am his world, he is dying because of me. Hes really depressed and says hes changed, wants another chance. I told him i want him to prove to me he has changed before i take him back. He hasnt, hes still controlling, on a daily basis any time I am around him, and he says he cant help it, but if we were fully back together he wouldnt be so suspicious and have to have me under his thumb all the time.

I have realized throughout our separation, that I had only been staying with him because I love him as the father of my kids, not him as a man, not after all he has put me through.

He's putting alot of guilt and pressure on me, which is making me really depressed and confused. Is loving him for the kids enough to go back and risk falling way back into the abusive cycle? If it is better for the kids, then i'll give up, and let him run my life all over again, i only want whats best for my babies, they are my world. But if he hasnt changed, then he'll abuse them too, which isnt good for them either.

I just dont know the answer, i have looked all over for some sort of statistics of men who were abusive and "recovered" after counseling, and I cant find anything. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks and I am so grateful I found you all!!!
- isr

First it is not just men that are controlling and abusive, the "mother" of my three youngest is.

It will not hurt your kids to be raised in a single parent home. It could be better for them then growing up under an abusive controller.

What example of a relationship do you want your kids to have?

In my experience is would say get out now and stay out, I doubt that he will change.

Can you live with promises? or do you want to live now?

If I were in your shoes, I would see a domestic violence councilor at a woman's shelter. You may find what you're going through is not uncommon and what other women have found out when they had to make the same decision you are wanting to make.

I know children rather be safe and happy away from a broken home than live in a broken home.

Thanks for the replies. I just wanted to add that I no way intended to say ever that only men could be abusive, just in my situation that was the case. What I was trying to find statistically was "percentage of domestic abusers who stopped the abuse after receiving counseling" One study did show men only, and I guess that was on my mind when I wrote the post, but i didnt mean to imply women couldnt be abusive as well.

Thanks for the advice, I am having a really hard time with this, and he's making it worse by telling the kids things like "when we're a family again....." and "when mom lets me come back..."

Like i said, i do love him as the father of my children, but I realized I dont love him as a man anymore, and if it were for the best of the kids i could deal with it, but in the long run i dont think it is. I dont want to hurt him, or anyone, i just dont know how to fix it i guess where no one gets hurt.

Thanks again for the replies,
isr

I'm so glad you finally joined and posted, sweetie.

I just wanted to give you a formal welcome to SFV and let you know that the people here are just as wonderful as I told you.

Oh and that I still think I should come and kick you know who's butt for being this way!


Love ya bunches!
B

Hi, I am one of those wonderful people that Sky told you about LMFAO......



Now, as far as your situation....

My suggestion to you is to stay away from him. It is obvious from what you have posted that you do not love him and that is not a good situation for any of you. If you were to go back to him and allow him to control you and abuse you again, you would be showing your children that those are acceptable ways to treat females. You need to be a positive role model for your children and being controlled and unhappy is not what you or they need. You have a soul and a desire to be happy. Just because you are a parent doesn't mean that you make yourself miserable to please them. It is possible to accomplish pleasing yourself and you children concurrently.

Keep your head up, and know that you found a great home to vent your frustrations.

-J

To let everybody know, I am very touchy about the topic of abuse.

I will not take up space here to vent my feelings, but will say that my 3 youngest kids are in a very bad situation because of the politically correct attitude on abuse.

If some one needs to control others as an adult, I doubt that they will change, they might appear for a while to change, but it would take the rest of their lives to really do so. people only change when there is a need to and they want to.

It is not helpful to kids to live in that kind of home.

Having not lived through a horribly abusive relationship, perhaps the domestic violence center for women isn't a place to go.

Firstly Grampa Dale, I am very sorry if I upset u, it was unintentional I promise, I am just confused from the years of not being allowed to make any decisions I guess, and doubting myself on everything, so I keep second guessing myself, not that its your fault, I do apologize if I said anything to upset you, I was just looking for some help. Thank you for your reply and I am very sorry for what you went thru or are going thru with your ex.

Also thanks to treys daddy and zionscry, both great advice, its hard to say cuz he might find this and figure out who i am if i go into too much detail, but its almost IMPOSSIBLE to not see him or talk to him, he lives in close proximity and can see when i am home or out etc.

And zionscry, omg, u r RIGHT ON with what he's been doing, this isnt the first time I have left, and he promises to change, and he actually does for a few weeks, then before i know it, its back to the old patterns, and i hadnt even noticed that it happened. Now I tell him this is why I am reluctant to try again, and he says hes a changed man now and i shouldnt hold the past against him, but how can i believe him when hes said that before? Thats why I feel like I need to break the cycle because its evident he never will. I just wish I knew if it was the right thing to do, i am so unsure of myself and my decisions lately

Thanks to all for the advice and the welcomes!
- isr

ishallrise as you did not direct you comments at me how could I be upset with you, it is the system that I am upset at.

Be ready for him to keep up the manipulation after you make it final, my ex does, but in her mind I am the one that is abusive and the system believes her

Grampa Dale

ISR,
First welcome to the forum.

Not much I can add to this advice you've been given so far.

I happened to be one of these men that dealt with verbal and mental abuse over lots of years, made to feel that my spouses problems were my fault, my doing.....that the lack of happiness on their part was somehow a failure on my part. And this kind of abuse is subtle....a small comment here and there carefully placed to keep you from offering your full opinion or stance on a subject. Or maybe advice being solicited only to find it shot down and being accused of never being supportive, no matter how carefully worded the honest advice is given.

By standing up and deciding to do what you know to be right, you are an example for your kids...the way it works is simple....they do what you do. If you lie down and take it...then so will they. Or worse ...they will be the abuser.

Hang in there....and once again, welcome.

Thank u all for your help

zionscry, i tried to pm u, i feel i can go into more detail privately, i am really worried he wil somehow find me on here and if i give away too many details, he will figure out its me and get mad. Since u have been there u might have some more advice for me, but i cant figure out how to pm, lol

I am miserable because of all this, and right now i am just doing my best to keep my head above water here

thanks again to all, take care!
- isr

Shannon,

I really don't know what it's like to be in an abusive controlling relationship. When I try to help some of my friends in the past, I often made reference to the domestic violence center for women and some of them dislike it without elaborating why.

Anyhow, ISR, if your husband is computer savy and you're afraid, you may want to use the computers in the public library or... if you can afford it, get another computer.

There might be spyware on your computer that allows your hubby to see everything you are doing and I'm not technically savy enough to explain how to remove it (maybe some tech guy on here can explain) Also, there's some features that allow him to see the last commands that you have entered or websites you've visited. By getting a new PC, have their tech person like Geeksquad show you how to protect your computer. Also, password your login.

My EX broke into my house after we divorced and tried to find out my business. He sent a few nasty emails to my boyfriend at the time that helped me get a restraining order on him. That saved me a lot of headache trying to prove he's harrassing me.

Anyway, Shannon has some first hand advice on how she got herself out.

That's another good point about the computer...I didn't even think about that!

PM ing only gets activated after a certain number of posts on the Forum, so post like crazy.

The type of spyware Tess is referring to not that easy to use or understand; so unless the ex is a hacker or one of his buddies is it's probably not an issue. However you never know, so go here and download the home (free) version of Ad-aware. Do the updates and clean up your machine. Password your login like Tess said. That's a start.