I've been through this domestic violence thing too, man, glad i'm out of it. but here is my breakdown of how the Abuser finds his prey. Got this from my own personal experience and from other's who have gone through dv.

step 1. the abuser must find someone who is already emotionally/mentally wounded from past emotional traumas and experiences.

step 2. they come to you like they are your savior, or just prince charming and treat you like a queen. get you to confide in them, build up trust, and just do all of these wonderful things for you. they even "help" you heal from past wounds - well at least they make u think that is what they are doing. so this is basically the point where they are establishing their value/worth with you.

step 3. slowly but surely, those warning signs start to emerge and here comes the mind games. this is the mental abuse part, they do all kinds of manipulative things. run false guilt trips on you, making u feel bad for things u didn't even do, or making a mountain out of a mole hill. or they make u feel like they can't trust you and challenge your love for them. make u prove it even. constantly questioning u. then they become possessive, if they aren't already. go into jealous rages for no reason, basically, but just starting fights, maybe even to shift the attention from their wrong doing onto you. u know, kind of changing the subject and keeping the focus off of themselves. by this time, u have been doubting yourself a lot, second guessing yourself. re-evaluating everything that you have been doing. doing whatever it takes to keep peace and to keep him happy. cuz when he gets angry, he gets angry. may start off breaking stuff like dishes or furniture or throwing things around, shouting, getting in your face or even behaving like a drill seargent. THIS IS ALSO WELL KNOWN AS THE BREAKDOWN PROCESS - in order for him to do what he wants with you he has to break you down mentally, wear you down first, making you passive and submissive. he is conforming you to his ways and desires. Now you don't trust yourself and ask his opinion, advice, permission for almost every little thing you do.

step 4. once they get you to conform, they begin controlling you through your emotions. they do things to trigger emotions. now if u don't do what they say (mental games) then they trigger emotions by physical threat - intimidation. they keep you in a fearful state of mind so that you never rise to your true power.

step 5, they not going to kill you when they first hit you, the first beating is him beating the fear in you, then they say they will never do it again and they love you and they just lost their temper. second one, well, u betta get it right or else, cuz they don't want to repeat themselves. third time, it gets worse and worse and worse, u find yourself jumping as soon as he raises his voice or even whispers. by this time, if he hasn't beat you to the point you think u r dead, he will get there. he is beating u into submission. u r his property, u r his slave - at least in his mind. he might have already raped you and is probably seeing other women too, hanging out all night doing whatever he wants to do and u better not question him and god forbid their are children involved.

THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO KNOW FROM THE READER - IF U HAVE EXPERIENCED DV.. HOW DID HE GET YOU INVOLVED WITH HIM?? HOW DID IT ALL BEGIN??

Let me tell you how I got out.. before i had the nervous breakdown, at that time I was into gospel music, i started singing songs of praise. I now understand that as you sing (which is basically the same as chanting) the names of God, u basically self-actualize that power. This is where I found my peace. Then I did affirmations every night which also strengthened me cuz praying just didn't cut it, he just laughed at me. So the more i sang and the more i chanted, i got my emotional/mental right mind where it needed to be and I TOLD HIM he needed to move out and I gave him a deadline. He just looked at me. I knew I would have to fight for my freedom, but I was prepared for this. I was scared, man, I was scared, but I had courage. When that day came, we got into a 3-hour physical altercation. My son was in his bedroom and thank God he never came out. I didn't know what was going to happen. That man was crazeeeeeeeeeeee!! I don't know how he didn't kill me. all I know is that I gave it my all and somehow, made it to the phone and called the police and they came and got him and he went to jail that day. I stood my ground from that day forward, and only once did i get intimate with him, but soon realized it was a mistake, but i got him to leave with ease, somehow, not sure. and i never looked back after that. Funny thing is, he was my first true love (nightmare) and first heartbreak.. that was when i was 22yr.

when i was 17yr. i was with this guy, he was definitely psycho, i caught him cheating and sad thing was his girl was prego. i told him to stay with her, and he kidnapped me and beat me and would slam me on the cement, it was truly crazy. held me captive for 2 days almost. on the second day, it was storming something awful, thundering, lightning.. he wouldn't let me go, he went into the back of his trunk and pulled out a cro-bar.. and grabbed me by my neck kicking and screaming, nobody could hear over the storm, he dragged me down into this ditch, deep into the woods, in pitch black, i don't know how he didn't fall, cuz it was a very narrow path and at least a 100ft. drop, i just knew i was dead. he took me to some even more secluded part of the woods threw me on the ground, put his foot on me to hold me still and i don't know what words came out of my mouth, but i know it wasn't me, cuz i don't even remember what i said, but u know wha?? he got off of me and dropped the crobar and left. now mind u, i had been trying to get him to release me for almost 2 days, so that one there, was truly divine intervention. he stalked me for some time though, but eventually, i moved and got away from him.

Now I know not all women are as lucky as me or even some of you that are reading this, but for those of us who are lucky, let's post the things that we can think of that got us into these situations and how we got out. Everyone is always saying, "i know how you feel" or "i can relate" but on the real, these women who are involved in dv, need some words of wisdom from us. So let's give it to them

Earthmother this was kinda freaky for me to read b/c I've been thru all of this many times. My frist time was when I was 17yrs lasted for a year. He got me by complimenting me on my body and being really sweet about how hot I was. At 17yrs I was VERY stuck on being to fat and not pretty enough blah blah and he knew that. He was 21yrs old. Not only did he have the age thing on his side he also had power and fear eventaully. Threatened to take all my friends away etc. The threats got worse. It has been 10yrs since I've been away from him and I still fear to walk down the same sidewalk or store asile as him. (we still live in the same city).

Then I had my son's father at 18yrs that thought he was going to run me but I made sure I had the power on him and I still do. I turned the tables on him!

Lets see then there were a few really nice guys I dated a few times but they scared me b/c I expected them to turn into******* as well. I spent most of my time safely raising my son. the only little boy in my life that did not abuse me.

Then about three yrs ago I meet a guy that was a few years younger than me and he was a real *******! He sucker me in by using my son and then doting on me and how perfect I was for him. He was not only mean to me but to my son. We went thru therapy and counseling to get over this one. I went thru depression and meds b/c I thought I was the screw up and I was a worthless person and a worthless mom. I did not like being there. Many of the traits above that you posted he fit well.

After I recovered from the last one I meet this really sweet guy back in Oct. 2004! Nice truck, good looks, had money, worked , had two great kids. Took my son under his wing and did "father" things w/him. My son was happy I was happy and he was good to my son. My son finally had a man that wanted him around and liked him. We dated for a while then slowly..honestly I just happended w/out me really knowing it...he moved in w/him evil son and we were living together. I was happy still. Sure there were things that we did not get along on but that comes w/the terriorty of combining two families together right?

He go to me by saying what a good girl I was. He enjoyed my company and loved being w/me. He really like my son. I had so much to offer him as a woman/GF. There was the fact that he could not trust me, I was being tested but I coud not test him once. He was very mental and it was crushing me. He also was a seargent in the army and used his drill voice on me and his mental crap on me. I thought it was ok b/c this guy did not hit me and he was good to my son. Then I found out I was pregnate w/his child in April. He really messed w/me..long story. Finally in June after his son had molsted my son and we both had been put thru the wringing. He and his son left.

Now he tries to run me and put me down mentally. I guess what really ,makes him mad is that he can control me and scare me now. I've turned cold hearted and shut him down finally after months of self doubt and being scared about be pregnate and alone again.

Now I'm 28yrs old w/an 8yr son and baby on the way. I'm doing much better and know that I'm done w/these jerky guys in my life. I refuse to put up w/the baby's fathers crap. I finally and firmly made up my mind on friday when he stood in my HOME and called me a drug addict and said the doubted the baby was now his...so he also called me a liar. I refuse to be disrespected by him anymore. If this means I must be single for the rest of my life then so be it. Sure I would like to date but at the same point i'm afaird too.

I want to meet a nice guy guy but I fear that this nice guy is just suckering me in be abused and put down. How do you find a decent guy or better yet do you know he is a great guy and not just an abuser just sucking you into the cycle. I want to break that cycle of guys just don't know how. It's scary b/c for once in my life here is a problem that I can't understand and how to fix it. honestly if you have any advice please let me know.

I have to say I stated my frist time was when I was 17yrs old but in reality my frist time was the day my parents adopted me at 8days old. I grow up w/an abusive father. It was directed toward my mom I did get a lot of the mental and emotional abuse from him. Maybe that's why I have a hard time breaking this cycle. I knew what my dad did was wrong but I still go toward the guys that are jerky like my father.

SPIRIT

Unfortunately many of us go through this. My relationship started off pretty well but he had some issues (who doesn't). He was insecure, and jealous , and just coming out of rehab. Anyway, the first time he hit me was the last time. I sent his A-- to jail. My son and I are better off without him. I decided that I would not let my or my son's life be negatively affected because his father couldn't get it together.

I told him that I wouldn't keep his son from him becasue heis his father, however, he hasn't seen him since March. He calls once in a while to sy he is coming to see him and then never shows up or calls. His loss. My son is a well rounded, happy kid, and I intend to keep it that way!

Stay Stong!

After reading Learning Always' story, my life seems like a fairy tale. Good for you! You survived and got out. Now you are on the path to healing and a better future.

Here is my story:

I am the oldest of 4 children. Our mother was our abuser growing up. I, as the oldest, instagated running away with my brothers and sister. We ran away several times in a 2 year period. I of course was held responsible and eventually my parents had me sent to a Christian Girls home at the age of 15, stating I was incorrigible. Looking back now, this was the best thing that could happen to me. I was taken out of the abusive home. The home was more like a farm with animals and chores to take care of. We went to school on the home's property. There wasn't any freedom, because the girls that were sent here were actually incorrigible teens. They had engaged in sexual activities and drug use. I was naive and knew nothing about the streets. I got a lot of my education from these girls. As you can tell by this comment I had never had *** or drugs. Not really a good place for an innocent girl, but definitely a good alternative to an abusive home. I stayed at the home until I was 19. I stayed to work. The big drawback to being in the home, is that I was rarely given the opportunity to make choices or decisions. When I left the home I was still very naive. Everything in the home had been controlled, for the benefit of the girls that had been sent there. After I left the home I went to college and worked. Through a friend I met a christian boy who was the same age as me and worked as a counselor at a christian boys home where he had originally been a resident. What a parallel. Something happened and he was fired a few months after we met. Now on his own, he "backslid", started smoking cigarettes again, never had any money and wasn't holding down a job. He asked to borrow money from me for cigarettes. It was money I had saved for gas. I told him no, and we got into a verbal argument about it. I finally gave in. That night, he asked "If I was to ask you to marry me right now, would you?" I thought he was being hypothetical and thought there was no harm in saying yes. We were married at the courthouse the next afternoon, because I couldn't find the backbone to say no. One month after we were married was the first time he hit me. We were travelling in the car to see his Dad. I was giving directions while he was driving. Something made him mad and he punched me in the leg. He of course apologized, said he would never do it again. Well, he did and each time it just escalated. Eventually, he started taking drugs, which was one of the reasons he had been sent to the christian home as a resident. The strange thing about this was that when he took drugs or drank, he usually wasn't abusive, so I didn't mind this as much, except that he could not hold down a job and because of his drug habit, he would spend our cash and sell things from our apartment, even things we were still making payments on. I never knew what to expect and I was constantly walking on eggshells trying to do everything he expected and wanted without getting him mad. But it didn't matter what I did, he always found a reason to beat me up, always apologizing afterwards and promising to change. At one point he nearly choked me to death. I even had a near death experience. As part of the abuse, I had lost touch with my family and had little to no self esteem. He verbally abused me, by telling me I was nothing and nobody would ever want me. After 5 years, with the help of my coworkers, I moved out while he was away at a Dr's appointment. I had my own apartment set up, and everyone at work knew not to give him any information if he called. I took my marriage vows seriously and struggled with the decision to get a divorce. The Bible did not seem to address my situation, but I did finally go through with the divorce. I am constantly vigilant of abusive characteristics with anybody I date, maybe to an extreme. Fortunately I had no children from my first marriage and eventually moved out of the state he lives in, though not because of him. I married again to a man who did not abuse me and had 2 beautiful girls from him. Unfortunately, I think he only married me because of our first child. I loved him and I believed him when he said he loved me. I told him I did not want to marry just because of our child. It was 11 years later that I found out he did not love me and that his mom had pushed him to marry me. The reason we divorced was because he had had an affair with a married woman for the last 4 years of our marriage. I am glad I had a relationship where there was no abuse. It was another teaching lesson for me in what I want for the future. As Learning Always mentioned, we are always learning.

For those of you still suffering. Find a way out. You are worthy, don't let him tell you otherwise. He will not change, no matter what you do or how much time you give him! Life is much better on the other side.

For those who have made it out, be careful. Look for the traits that were noticable in your abuser and mentioned by EarthMother above. As long as we don't fall for it again our future can only be brighter.

Ladies, they say , what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, and it is so true! We all have histories, each our own story to tell. I wont share mine, it too, is a long one. One thing for certain, when its all over and done, you have learned a great deal about yourself, and that is what matters! ONce your out of it, enjoy all that life offers, life is so short on this earth. I know for me, I've always wanted peace and now I have it. I also wanted to know how to love myself, and now I do, my body, mind and soul. Learn to love and give to yourself, is all I can say, and appreciate all we have.

This is the third time I have tried to type this, maybe it will work this time. lets start at the beginning, I was born to a family of 6.I was the baby, dad had had a vasectomy that didn�t take right away. I was a big surprise, and constantly told I was the straw that broke the camels back. My father became sick when I was 3.As children we were constantly told don�t upset your father or he will die. My brother was 4 yrs my senior as little children we were very close. When I had a bad dream I can remember climbing into his bed and feeling safe and protected in his arms. I wish I could pin point exactly when that changed but I think it was between 3 and 5.At that time my Uncle who was a police officer began brutally sexually abusing us. He would threaten us with his gun, hit us with his Billy bat and penetrated us with many forgiven objects. My brother changed from a loving caring child into a vicious, evil, abusive boy. As they say you hurt the ones you love the most. Thus began the cycle that lasted 38 yrs my brother continually sexually abused me for years. In my same view of the world I was devastated never felt love from my parents ,my sisters were much older and dealing with there own crisis of my grandfathers sexual abuse. My mother never truly coped well, but I guess she did the best she could with what she was facing. A very sick husband and 4 young children. I always felt like an outsider, unloved ,unworthy of love and the only love I really knew was from my brother who ended up destroying everything I could have been. At bedtime I was so afraid to go to sleep I use to put 45 stuffed animals in my bed so maybe my abusers would not be able to find me and give up. I spent most days terrified for my life, my brother shot me in the head and chest with pellet rifles, daily he would pull knifes on me, he would hold me off the ground by my throat against the fridge and put a butcher knife under may throat and threaten to drop me. I was terrified alone,unwanted,unprotected and afraid. I guess the easiest way to deal with all this is split and allow all the bad stuff to happen to her not me. I was shattered and confused. When my parents were around all I ever hear was I shouldn�t **** him off, I should know what he is like. To be honest now I realize that they were afraid of him to, as long as he was hurting me he was leaving them alone. A very heavy price to pay for a young child. I thought if I was just a perfect child straight As, polite never asked for much maybe they could learn to love me. I guess I truly believed this was all my fault. I must have some how deserved all of this and I just became accustomed to it. As we became teenagers his physical abuse became worse .He would pour vinegar in my eyes, beat me stab me ,shoved a hot iron in my arm then ripped it out, as I put ice on the wound he slammed my fingers in a door and broke them. By this point I really believed I was bad,stupid,ugly,fat and the big one a cheap piece of assai was confused by this point and didn�t understand that by behaving the only way I ever received attention I was now horrible and a **** for doing that. I was confused, scared ,unworthy of anything in my life I was just a dumping ground that deserved everything she got. My parents seem to be quite ok with all of this as long as they didn�t have to deal with Bill. That was my job and I tried hard to be perfect at that to. Eventually my brother set me up with on of his friends. In accrual fact he bet me off in a pool game, thanksgiving day my brother said we are going out for dinner mom and dad were off on one of there many vacations and bill and I were alone for dinner. He took me to a guy named Mikes. Bill had a crush on mikes room mate so mike offered to hook them up if he got me. As weird as it sounds my brother must of had my best interest at heart, he was the only one that every paid me any mind. So I went to work one day and came home to all of my stuff being moved to mikes. Bill said it was so I could help them him and Denise with baby Kale. I didn�t realize that the real reason was so Mike could teach me how to be a real woman instead of a cheap piece of assai was very nervous because my uncle had also molested Mike. To shorten this up Mike was rich an alarm system was put in the house to keep me in. Mike immediately began beating me, raping me and allowing his friend to rape me. If he was out and I went to bed he would come home drag me out of bed throw me around for a while and then expect me to cook dinner and sleep with 9 or 10 of his buddies have never in my life been so scared. At this point I spent most of my time complying with his every command .After a period of time I couldn�t take it any more my brother was in the hospital after attempting suicide. My uncles were coming from Australia for Christmas so I begged Mike to let me go to my parents. He did finally allow it after breaking my foot with a hammer so I couldn�t go anywhere else. On New Years we were invited to a bash with one of the many girls that were actresses in his **** industry at the party Mike wigged out and broke my arm. I couldn�t take another minute so I fought back I hit him with a lamp and ran out of this girls house. He and his friends caught me took me home and he threw me across the living room into the t.v.and I bounced off that into the rocking chair. My whole left side was bruised and no doubt my ribs were injuryed.At this time 6 of his friends moved in cause I was getting out of hand. I had only the will to find a way out of there before I ended up dead. I was in pain, in fear, and ANGRY.I had had enough **** in my life and lived he was not going to kill me. Later that week I poured bleach in his vodka and orange juice and laced his coke with ajaxs.He became very sick which meant some peace in my life. I so wanted him to suffer feel all the pain he had put me through. I found out there was a warrant for his arrest, so when the cops came knocking I ran out of the house and hid in a bush in only my pajamas. I called so bikers that despised him and they came and got me .I then lived with the president of the paradise riders, Thank god for Stony knowing Mike would never get near me again. I eventually went on with my life; I moved back home and I could not take any more abuse and low down ignorant comments from my mom and dad. At this point I finally felt some what free and I got a great job. Joni and I began sharing a house and my life was going alright.On a girls night out I had a guy that kept hitting on me and my friend Sheryl called Eric to come down to the bar to deter this idiot. Eric and I had known each other in our teens we ended up talking and laughing and genuinely enjoying each others company. One of the first men who ever helped me and didn�t expect *** for being a friend I though I had finally found someone I liked. Boy was I stupid. We spent allot of time together always had protected *** and then one fine day the condom broke. I passed out at work and was taken to emergency surprise I wasn�t sick I was pregnant. When I first told Eric he walked out on me and I couldn�t have cared a less. I had a good job a great home with my sister and a beautiful niece who brought me more joy in her short little life than I had ever had in all my 20 yrs.That is when I realize where my true heart and calling was to teach children love and self esteem and to raise them strong enough to never fall into the **** I had lived. Megan was my 1st savior I realized that how anybody could intentionally allows a precious innocent child to be destroyed in front of them. I knew than that everything I had been through was wrong and evil and it should never happen to another child. I knew that it would take a long time to fix myself but maybe some how I could figure out a way to save any child I knew from ever having to go through what I went through. Eric came crawling back 2 weeks later .His mother had left lots of messages on my sister�s answering machine about how I had better get an abortion and leave her precious little piece of **** son alone. I would never even consider an abortion but I did tell Eric if he wanted to run I would never tell any one who the father was. He came back insisting that he had seen the light and loved me and wanted to get married. I told him about the abusive crazy messages that his psychotic mother was leaving on my answering machine. He said that would stop as long as we went to see her therapist and if carol/Karl pope who was divorced 3 times and her only child was in jail felt that Eric and I knew what we were getting into Eric�s mother would then shut her mouth and support us. I thought at this time for the first time in my life I had someone who loved me. I was angry and pissed off that I was expected to talk to some QUACK that had screwed her whole life up. Eric begged me to go so I went sat down and said that I had nothing to say it was none of her or Eric�s mothers business this was mine and Eric�s decision so she could whistle Dixie for 40 min that Dianne paid her for and I would leave�s rich sat and did anything to appease this moron with a capital m so his precious mommy would be happy. I wanted to grab him and say where is your backbone you little pathetic coward. But Eric had been beaten, abandoned, dumpster diving with his dad for food. On Christmas all he and his brother go was a loaf of bread, peanut butter and a bottle of Pepsi. I really wanted to take Eric under my wing and save him show him that there is life after abuse. Together I really though we could make a difference we both had been through **** and wanted more for our children. The day of our wedding is when reality hit me square in the face, at that point I realized I had made a huge mistake cause I started to see he was all talk no action. On our wedding day his mother walked in wearing black and sat on my families sides my dad walked me down the isle she stood up and said I can�t deal with this and stormed out. None of his family congratulated us except Aunt marry and uncle john the rest just left. We went to the old mill for dinner alone and then went to my parents for a small reception where we were promptly told us kids could go to the basement the adult were upstairs� o instead of letting my parents and this situation get to me the wedding party all left and went to a bar that Eric�s cousins band was playing at. We had a great time and enjoyed our day with are friends, they were more like family. Our life together started, with my new husband stealing my MasterCard and running it up at strip clubs buying dancers dinner. On the day I went into labor with Steele was are creditors meeting so I sat in l and d alone terrified .We couldn�t afford lamza classes, I had no one to turn to tell me what to expect and my mother in law kept sending me sympathy cards for bring a baby into this world cause they were all just a waste of time. All I did know is my life was about to change forever and I finally had a family. When Eric finally showed up at the hospital he announces that he was tired and needed a nap. If I could have got out of the bed I think I would have strangled him. Where was my support I was scared I had never had a baby before wasn�t he the man who was suppose to be beside me. After all this was his baby to why be he scared, thrilled wanting to share in the birth of our first baby. As Steele started to come down the nurse then announce that this was a very tiny baby and called Mac to have a specialist come to Joseph Brant and deliver my child .His head came out and I said where is Eric, the nurses told me he was sleeping and he told them if they woke him up he would become violent. I told them to throw water at him from across the room and get his *** in here. They did and he showed up after Steele was delivered he was 2 weeks late and only 4lbs 2ozs.But he was the most beautiful child ever created no one could ever take my love for him away. My parents came while I was in recovery and said oh you pig you kept all that weight for yourself and look how sick and small your son is. I was so hurt how anyone could accuse me of hurting my precious child .Eric wouldn�t even hold him and announced that he was going home to get some sleep. Steele was taken to a preemie nursery and I meet up with the dress there he was malnutrition, had no blood sugar and his skin was transparent. But the dress then explained to me that I had intruder growth retardation. My placenta had gone hard at least 2 weeks earlier and Steele had been starving. I had used my family Dr. for this pregnancy and he didn�t run stress tests when Steele was late if he had Steele would have been healthy. But I just look at this beautiful life I had created and no one could get me off that high. I was very disappointed to learn that he wasn�t Eric�s everything and neither was I.I felt so betrayed ,and tolerated all of the flack for my choice of Dr..Eric finally showed up back at the hospital with his red neck family fathers side in toe. They had a family get-together and were all drunk. They kept trying to get into Steles nursery but that was not allowed. I had never even held my son just touched him through the isolote.The nurse opened the drapes and wheeled Steele isolote to the window so they could see him. They were so rude loud, drunk, and obnoxious that the nurse was in fear that his family would bust in the nursery that she locked the door and called security. They were all removed and told not to come back. I was so pissed off with these idiots I told Eric he had better stay or all **** was going to break loose. I asked him what the **** is you thinking you stupid ******* our child is sick and this is the support you bring. He just fluffed it off and then became the favorite war like your family is any better. Eric mother and father didn�t even show up to see there first grandchild. My family sucked but they all showed up with gifts and well wishes. Instead of seeing Eric for what he was I saw a guy with no family support, overwhelmed and hurt that his parents couldn�t even enjoy his first child with him. Instead of see this and running like **** I thought he just needs time, love and support his family had hurt him and he reacted poorly because he felt bad that me and Steele were **** on by them. How stupid is that idea. At 11:00 pm I received a phone call from security a little old lady was refusing to leave until she saw her great grandson. It was Nana a woman so ill and abused that all I ever saw was beauty. She realized how awful her daughter and ex son in-law were and she was as happy as I was .I begged the staff to let her come up buck wouldn�t drive her back out to Burlington to see the baby again and I know she fought all day to finally make him drive her. He wouldn�t even come into the hospital. I went down and brought nana up the staff in the nursery were wonderful. Nana was shaking with joy and an insulin reaction, the nurses sat her down in the nursery made her eat something, and I guess they had all figure this mess out. Finally someone was here to enjoy my precious new bundle of joy. The staff allowed me and nana to take Steele out of the isolate and hold him for the first time. She helped me count his fingers and toes and you would have though he was hers she was so happy. She at that point told me if Eric ever hurts you or that baby I will kill him myself. I should have heeded that warning. Finally it was that wonderful day when I and my baby could go home. My loving husband couldn�t even be bothered to take the day off work. My sister drove us home, Eric and his brother had trashed the apartment, broke the air conditioner, the fan dirty dishes everywhere .My sister then peeled the note off my front door it was an eviction notice for prostituting out of the apartment and having my JOHNS kid. My sister took Steele into the apartment to find a note that said seeing you and the baby are home you can go do the groceries it was July and a heat wave it was 40 degrees out side lets take my 4lb 10 oz baby out shopping and walk to the store and figure out a way to bring all this **** home. My sister told me to leave Steele with her and go do the shopping and she would clean the apartment. I hated Eric so much at that moment, I wanted to run with my son and never look back. I went and found the landlord and offered to sue him for slander if he didn�t tell me who gave him this ******** information. Needless to say he spilt the beans really quickly. It was my father in law who lived on the top floor of the building. I was beyond anger so I went shopping came home my sister left and I waited for Eric and Karl to come home. When they got home I stood on a chair and punched both of them square in the face. Then I invited my father-in-law down for tea. When he showed up I confronted him with my news he got smart so I round housed him right out of the chair told him to get the **** out of my apartment and he could drop dead before he would ever see me or the baby again. Eric then realized that I could have killed him without a thought and escorted his dad out. At that time I informed Eric his brother could find somewhere else to live and Eric was very close to losing me and Steele forever. He of course kissed *** made his excuses and pleaded with me to forgive him. I again sucked into his game because he was able to overlook my fault from being abused and it was his first baby and he was scared we all know the drill. He stopped talking to his family, made attempts to act like he was trying to change and be more involved in sticking up for Steele and I but he had problems with conforntation.He was a very good con artist and liar. To move along I sent all of my energy taking care of Steele and waiting for my husband to get a back bone. It was amazing to me that all I ever asked for was for someone to love me unconditionally, protect me, and stick up for me after all I really believed that was his job, obligation as a person who claimed I was so important to him but allowed his family to hurt, disrespect and become vicious toward me and all 4 of my children. I say this due to he never did any of the work so he wasn�t a father. If my family said anything about him I would instantly inform them that he was my husband and I will not tolerate that chap. this point and time in my life I had total had enough of being pushed around, ridiculed, and put down .So when someone did it, I let that person know loud and clear that if they felt that way just get lost and you will never exist to me again. Eric spent his time working and going out doing illegal **** with his idiot friends but that was ok I and the kids were happier when he was gone. He had not spoken to his family for several years and all of his stupid friends praised the ground I walked on. The house was spotless, I ran the breakfast program, clothing room, and head lice checks at the kid�s school. When he was around all he wanted was *** so I would get the kids to bed, smoke a couple of joints, take about 10 gravel and live through it. To me it was discussing like taking out the garbage, I hated it but it shut him up and he would disappear for another week. I babysat 12 children besides my own made $500.00 every 2 weeks I was okay with this arrangement until the children grew up and moved out and then I could just leave him and spend the rest of my life being alone. My feelings and desires went important at that point now I realize all I lived for was my kids .It was better than all my other relationship, he was afraid of me and minded his pHs and qs.Then the whole world feel out from under me, I was running on empty and anorexic so went on antidepressants to try to calm my anger towards him and his family.I was sleeping about 1 hour a night due to flashbacks, nightmares, and mind race. Eric got a phone call from his younger brother to tell him his grandfather buck was ill and his mother was bed ridden with laziness, so she didn�t have to take care of her father. I had a deadly reaction to the Prozac, ended up in intensive care unit the Dr overdosed me with prednisone, and I was having 22 seizures a day. Earlier in the marriage Eric had gotten duck one night and decided to be romantic through me over his shoulder hit my head off the wall and knocked me on conscious had a head injury. The 2nd injury I had a seizure and went face first into an oak and ceramic table no medical attention again. The 3rd head injury was I stood up into a cupboard no medical attention required. This part will make more since at the end of this journal. Eric began to take weeks of work and live with his mother and buck. I had been packing up stuff in the house to clean up clutter and cut my eyeball in half with a yes pay stub. My oldest son had started to follow in his fathers illegal foot steps. Eric left us in the north end of Hamilton with no money, groceries, or means to support ourselves. My health was terrible at this point I lived in constant pain, could not see properly, and my brain had been damaged. I had no short term memery, seizures, numbness developing in my arms and legs. Now I was beginning to realize that he didn�t care about my well being at all. He would come home on Saturday expect *** and go back to his moms till the next Saturday. Luckily Eric�s biker friends are not very loyal. All I wanted for my children to have a roof over there heads and food .This choice was very easy for me it was something I had been raised to do. I was 95 lbs, and was extremely gorgeous I didn�t believe this myself and that only made them want me more. The perfect little house keeper they could trust me with there weapons, drugs so I used them for all of my needs. Eventually Buck dietetics mom landed in a home and Eric told me and the kids we finally owned a house in dudes a much better area .Eric claimed now we could afford to live ,be stable for once ,the neighbors knew my kids, what more could we want. This was the house Eric grew up in he was so excited so we moved in. The deal with us taking the house was Eric was to draw up an agreement with a lawyer that the house would be left to only Eric in his moms will and we would fix it up and pay rent the land taxes .with his mom in a home he would spend more time with us and we could afford to get the prescriptions I need .I never trusted him or his mother but my children were living in hells kitchen and stabbings at the park were daily. We moved in to this tiny 2 bedroom shack with a trap over the roof, and was condemnable was never afraid of hard work so I just sunk my teeth in and started trying to make this house livable and then a home. The first week the neighbor Margaret told me my monster in-law had told her my kids were rude, destructive theirs and I was a heroin addict. I was hurt, angry, and completely done with Epics mother. I had Margi tell Eric what his mother had told the neighbors about me and the kids. All Eric said was consider where it comes from, ignore it they will all realize that she is a liar. Now I was done. Why should I and my kids have to prove we were not that? My back became really bad with all the work I was doing, it spammed constantly. I caught ever little bug and spent all of my time sick. But according to my husband we couldn�t afford medicine so way waste are time going to the Doctor we couldn�t afford food so he would buy himself food and go to the food bank for the kids and I. was exhausted, very sick and the depression was hitting full force. We paid 900.00 dollars a month in the north end and had groceries TV, hydro,phone, and gas. In this house the rent was 450.00/month smaller less bills and we couldn�t afford anything. Now I was unable to walk more than 10 feet any work I did do around the house he took credit for, he wouldn�t even supply food,clothes,school supplies for the kids. We had hit rock bottom�s was so sick I could no longer fight constantly for every little thing. At this point I truly just gave up, even the neighbors that had watched Eric grow up were screaming at him constantly. They all keep telling me to leave. I wanted more than ever to pack my kids up and tell him to just get the **** out of our lives. Christmas 2002 was the final straw. The kids were all sick none of the bills had been payed.He had removed and money from the bank account as soon as it went in. He bought himself brand new clothes but not us. When he was home all we did was avoid him. I could no longer take this anymore, then me and the children n all got a terrible bronchial infection. The neighbor up the street had a house fire and I had her twins living with she was buying all the groceries behind Epics back and keeping them at her house. I went to make the kids chicken soup a can fell out of the cupboard and broke my arm in three places I had a fever of 103.This neighbor came over sprinted my arm put me to bed and called M.D. housecalls.Dr Frey told this woman, my kids, and my husband that if they didn�t start helping me and proving food,sleep,and prescriptions that I wouldn�t live till Christmas. Eric promise to take me to the hospital Jo-el filled my prescriptions and I told the doctor I really need to sleep for a couple hours first I was so sick I couldn�t even feel the pain in my arm. The Dr left and Eric, and Jo-el both went back to her house and left me with 6 sick kids. This was December 23.I ended up bedridden till the following October and all I could do was put up with his ****.The children were constantly screaming at him I never did go to the hospital he was to busy. I was only able to pray for death to take me and him still demanding *** every night or he would be so bitchy that the children basically didn�t stay at home. The following October Eric ex girlfriend Mandy started hanging around after nagging Eric to get me to the hospital, taking all 4 of my kids every weekend ,she showed up all the kids were at school and she put me in her car and took me to a walk in clinic. I was about 70 lbs and my ankles were fusion well dislocated. The Doctor took one look at me and sent me for blood ,x rays, and ultrasound. I had been having constant bleeding of the uterus and from my bowel for at least 2 years. Mandy took me home tucked me in bed and said don�t tell him anything. I went back to the clinic 3 days later, I has cysts the size of golf balls on both ovaries,fybromyalgis,mechanical failure in all of the discs in my back, my sciatica nerve is completely pinched off permanitally,hiatis hernia, bleeding ulcers,diverticulitis,nerve damage in both my arms and legs, and the worst was a brain injury which was never treated so my arms and legs are numb and I will eventually lose use of them. I have never been so scared in my life plus he had taken my health card which had expires 3 yrs earlier and told the bank my card was lost or stolen, and drained all of the money out of both accounts and left them in the negative. Mandy took me home that night and I told Eric everything that was wrong with me, he said as long as you don�t need money or prescriptions ill be there for you. I sat down at my computer and downloaded live like you were dying and reality slapped me right in the face. How could I leave my daughter with this evil beast.How could I have ever thought he loved me. How could I ever have believed after a 17 yr marriage of lies, and abuse would ever get better. I was scare to death but I knew with every ounce of my being that I had to get away from him. He was killing me and he had taught my boys to disrespect me as well. How in the **** did all of this happen. If I had anything left to fight with I was going to get my kids the **** out of there and try to get the medical attention I need so I could live to see my kids grow up, and try my damnedest to fix the horrible life I had given them by just trying to believe that one day he would love us the way we loved him. It was thanksgiving weekend 2003 on the Monday I called Mandy and she told me that Eric had lent her money. I have no food, clothing and he is paying for her smokes. I busted into tears ,I was hysterical to say the least she said Gail Im on my way down please hang on ill be there soon. I waited till she walks in the door. Her kids and parents with her .They took one look at me and all I could say was please doing leave me and my babies here. They packed up all the kids and my clothes, my dogs which are also my world ,got my kids out of school and drove to Mandy�s house .I had no idea how I was going to do this my family had abandoned me yrs ago, but if I died trying I was going to show my children what love is all about.Safety,security,respect, and unconditional love. It was very hard my 2 oldest boys went back to the abuse. That rips my heart out 24/7.But my 2 youngest are with me .It has been hard, my health is bad but I am no longer bed ridden. I have applied for disability and my children understand that mom is in very bad shape. I know that a wheelchair will be soon .There are allot of health problems that will take yrs to sort out. We are living off pennies but we are HAPPY,SAFE,and TOGETHER.It a very challenging time for me but I need to fix myself, find out who I am and show my children that you don�t need all the material things just the bare necessities and a chance to grow and developed in a nurturing home with respect,compassion,support,unconditional love and no lies.I have come a long way and learned allot hence forth my screen name. It�s hard and crazy sometimes but I am proud of where I and my 2 children are today. My dreams are one day my 2 older children will see the light .But until that time one day comes I will focus on showing and living a life true to myself and my 2 kids. The best gift I can ever give them is the strength to never settle for less than who they are .Life is not always easy or fair but remembers that no matter what they will always know they are loved by me and will never allow the abuse back again. I have lived this and come out the other side and if I can do it anyone can. Always remember just because not conviction. I made allot of mistakes in my life but I became who I am today because of my past. So try to learn to embrace you�re passed the fact that you are reading this means you learned and any thing you learn from no matter how negative, has just become a positive. May you life be filled with peace and compassion love learning always. [Edit]

Well, this is usually the part where I explain things or point out things that someone might have missed from a different point of view ... I have nothing because I think she covered ALL the basis in the first post!

Earthmother,

You described a relationship I was in for 2 years about 3 years ago. I felt like he swept me off my feet...like he was my prince charming, he was charming at first, took me out to nice dinners, lend me his cars, cooked a fabulous dinner for me. God I almost thought he was the one until then gradually the signs starting showing, I felt trapped in the mind games, especially when it came to communication and my feelings. At one point the anger came out when he slammed on his brakes so hard several times that I almost hit the dashboard with my face and then he took a bottle of water and splashed the it on my face and then threaten to drop me off right there in an unknown highway in Florida, mind you I never been to Florida and didn't know anyone there dam was I scared and scared of him, I was praying that the evening would just end. Also, the controlling since I am an avid dancer, he didn't want me asking other avid dancers to dance with me, there was insidious side of him...that I started feeling creepy, but ignored my gut feeling or second guessed myself, to make a long story short, I finally ended it, telling him it was over and advising him I will notify the authorities if he continued to contact me.