Hi Singlepreg. Actually your concerns are valid. I am very nervous when he takes my baby (my 7 year old from a previous marriage and he chooses not to see my ex). However the only thing I can do at this point is document everything and pray a lot. I have had a lot of problems with visitation (i.e. picking him up late or not at all, harassing me, threatening me, calling me names, using the "F" bomb constantly.) Luckily I am able to contact his PO when he misbehaves. It is so sad throughout all of this, he has never been given the "opportunity" from the court for counseling or anger management which I asked the court for when I entered the plea bargain. He is sick and really needs help but refuses to see it or seek it on his own. I often tell my 7 year old that my ex is having some problems with his anger and that he often makes bad choices. I do not think that it is in the kids best interest to hide the truth, but there are tactful ways to communicate this information in a way that is nonblaming and easy for little ones to understand. It is really hard sometimes especially when he is such a JERK and so cruel to me. I just continue to try to do the best for my kids and focus on them. You will be able to do anything that you need to do to protect your child. Trust me. The inner strenght you develop as a mother is amazing and neverending. Hang in there! There may be a rough road ahead but you and your baby will be able to travel it successfully together!!! :lovehearts:

Hi Goddess,

Thanks for replying. You know one of the reasons why I decided to leave this relationship was because of the verbal - I didn't want my child growing up to think it was ok to talk to women like that. The good news is that I have moved to South Carolina and he's in Ohio. I found out yesterday that his case was indicted by the grand jury and that it's being sent downtown (Cleveland). He's still facing the felony charge - was your ex convicted of a misdemeanor or a felony? The reason why it's a felony in his case is because he has a prior misdemeanor conviction and also because he knew I was pregnant. I just can't see how the court would allow visitation in this case but is it common even though these men have these problems? Also he's an alcoholic in denial and that's another one of my concerns. At one end, I wish I had a magic wand and could just make him better and at the other end I don't think his presence would be of any benefit to the child especially since he is not getting help. As far as I know. I have not spoken with him in almost a month. I just can't believe that I got myself in this mess - 28 single and pregnant, and a victim of domestic abuse at that. In fact I'm waitressing right now - something I haven't done since I was like 20! I guess I'm having a mini pity party for myself right now because it's been a rollercoaster in the last month. I keep trying to have faith in the Lord but it's hard sometimes because the future is so unsure - I know I'm going to have a baby and that's it. And I'm down here in South Carolina with no friends and not many people know I'm pregnant because I JUST started to show a little. Ok, enough babbling for now. I just can't believe that these courts don't consider child safety (both physically and mentally) a priority - rather than feeling sorry for the father. It's a little infuriating...

quote:

Originally posted by goddess:
[qb] Hi Singlepreg. Actually your concerns are valid. I am very nervous when he takes my baby (my 7 year old from a previous marriage and he chooses not to see my ex). However the only thing I can do at this point is document everything and pray a lot. I have had a lot of problems with visitation (i.e. picking him up late or not at all, harassing me, threatening me, calling me names, using the "F" bomb constantly.) Luckily I am able to contact his PO when he misbehaves. It is so sad throughout all of this, he has never been given the "opportunity" from the court for counseling or anger management which I asked the court for when I entered the plea bargain. He is sick and really needs help but refuses to see it or seek it on his own. I often tell my 7 year old that my ex is having some problems with his anger and that he often makes bad choices. I do not think that it is in the kids best interest to hide the truth, but there are tactful ways to communicate this information in a way that is nonblaming and easy for little ones to understand. It is really hard sometimes especially when he is such a JERK and so cruel to me. I just continue to try to do the best for my kids and focus on them. You will be able to do anything that you need to do to protect your child. Trust me. The inner strenght you develop as a mother is amazing and neverending. Hang in there! There may be a rough road ahead but you and your baby will be able to travel it successfully together!!! :lovehearts: [/qb]

Ur on the road 2 a better life,it might not feel like it at the moment,but for u and ur unborn baby ur lives r just starting.it sounds like ur chids up bringing would be better in the long run with 1 stable parent not 2 that show violence of ne kind 2 eachother,my father was pysically violent 2 my mother 4 urs and was relieved when they split up,I am a single parent of 2 and if i can do it darling ne 1 can lol.dont look back

Singlepreg, I am glad to hear that you are so strong! Please do not be hard on yourself! You just got into a bad situation like myself and are on your way to making a better life for you and your baby. By the way, I too live in Ohio. My ex's charge was only a misdemeanor. I entered a plea bargin to have it reduced to a negligent assault with court ordered anger management and counseling. Unfortunatley he did what he really needed and wound up a very angry man (with a bigger chip on his shoulder) with a year of probation and close supervision.It blows my mind that the court allows him to have supervision with a one year old baby as well! At least he should have supervised visits! Let's face it, the court system is made for the criminals! It is very frustrating, however you cannot allow it to get the best of you! We as victims must be kind to ourselves, not take blame or feel guilty for the abuse, and move forward. Let's face it, it is truely their loss! I believe in fate and karma. Things will come around to good for you and your baby.

:hugme:

Hi Goddess,

Well, he's been indicted by the county grand jury so the case is going downtown. This has been such a rollercoaster of a week - except with no fun hills... The main reason why I haven't agreed to go along with another first degree misdemeanor is because of how much damage he has caused me in my life - going from being successful and professional and financially on my way to now being destitute. It's not him worrying about this baby is it now? The other main reason is because I don't want him to have unsupervised visitation - mostly because I don't trust him with returning the child (honestly) and also because of his alcoholism and proneness to driving while drunk (He's got two prior DUI's). I know what was I thinking getting involved with this loser. I don't think he would really be serious about court ordered counseling and the such - i think it'll go in one ear and out the other - he truly thinks he does nothing wrong - for example he apologized for calling me a stupid f'n cunt but 10 minutes later he was tackling me the ground .... I don't think these men change. I was just wondering what the chances are for him to get unsupervised visitation...

Hi Singlepreg,

I know how you feel regarding your rollar coster ride. My ex is in total denial! He would hit me leaving a bad bruise and ask me later what happened! When I reminded him that he hurt me he would turn it around and say that I bruise easily and it was my fault! He also thinks he has done nothing wrong. According to him, it was my fault he hit me. He said, "If you would have shut your f-ing mouth I would not have had to hurt you!" Basically I was not allowed to talk in my own home. It was a prison! I do not think these men change either. It is best to move on even if it means being by yourself. I have been separated for 6 months and have not dated due to fear of finding another loser! My ex has caused some serious damage to my life as well, however good things are starting to happen! I went to counseling, joined this support group, and began a kickboxing class once a week. My divorce will be final in a few weeks and I am in the process of buying my first home. I am trying my best to move one with my life and provide a happy and healthy life for my boys. It has been hard and I do have set backs (ie. when he calls me names,flaunts his flavor of the month in my face, tells me I am f-ing stupid, pathetic, threatening me, etc.) and I suffer from PTSD symptoms when this occurs, but I am so much better off alone than with someone who abuses me! Im not sure how difficult it is to have supervised visitation, however I would suggest for you to document EVERYTHING! That way, you will have a record if you need to go back to court. Your ex sounds like mine, give him a little slack of the rope and in time he will hang himself! Take care and hang in there my friend! :balloons:

Hi Kristell, my name is Alyson & I to am a new member. In fact I just signed up a minute ago & your story really caught my eye because I went through what your going through & still am going through the same thing. I am in the US ARMY & met my husband at one of the bases he was stationed at. I met him before my tour of Iraq & when I met him, I thought this soldier is different from all the others. We kept in contact while I was on my tour. I fell in love with him through letters & when I got back, he proposed to me. That was on 9 Aug 04. I was thrilled & of course said yes. A few weeks later, I noticed little changes in him. I knew he was a "bad boy" & did things in the past when he was younger but I had no clue what I was really instore for. He started out by always arguing with me in private & calling me horrible names, but I thought he was just having a tough time in the unit he was in. Then it started to get a little worse. He began by pushing me or slapping me or pulling my hair if I tried to go anywhere. I know I could've fought back or reported it to our units, but I thought this would all end. Then I found out I was pregnant & he was thrilled. In fact the second I told him, he told everyone & hoped it was a girl. I thought that by me being pregnant, he would change but things only got more servere. He began beating me to the point where I thought I was going to die. He would leave marks, like a black eye or bloody lip & when people questioned me, I just covered it up. When people started questioning him, he lie & say I fell & then once we get back to privacy, he would say that if I told anyone, he'd kill me or if I ever left him, he'd kill himself. He used to do the same thing, put knives in my hand & tell me to kill him, but I just brokedown, thinking what did I do wrong. When people started noticing more & more bruises or cuts, he would do things like choke me or hit me in places where I was covered up. If I cried he would burn me with cigarettes on my leg or sometimes in the middle of the night, put a pillow over my face saying that I better never tell a sole. This all happened before we even got married which was on 30 Oct. 04. I should've never married him, but I thought that he would always change, since he always made me "promises" that he would never hit me again & that he couldn't live without me. But things just kept getting worse. The day we got married, I met his mom & step dad for the first time & realized that his mom blamed eveyone else for the behaviour of her son who is 22. BTW, I'm 23. She made him think he could do no wrong & that he was perfect. Throughtout the time I was with him, things got to the point where everyday I'd wake up & pray that I hadn't. He would walk out on me, cheat on me & get arrested while still in the Army & yet I took him back everytime. The day our daughter was born on 4 May 05, he got arrested 3 days later for a DUI & got our car taken away from us. Then he'd come back & apologize, but the second I'd ask him to make a bottle or change her diaper, he'd beat me to a bloody pulp & walk out. I called the cops & wound up having to prove my side as well & nothing happened to him for that. I know I should've never let him back into my life but I was stupid at the time. I finally got the courage to leave oneday with our daughter & go back to Brooklyn, Ny where I'm from while he was working. I went back to my parents & they told me I should never go back, but of course I didn't listen. While I was in Brooklyn, my husband got arrested again for drugs & for adultry & was getting kicked out dishonorably out of the Army. He was headed back to Wisconsin where he's from & begged me to follow & I did. In fact, I got out there before he did & I found an apt. because his family didn't like me & wouldn't help me out. I upped & left everything for him & when he finally got back to Wisconsin 3 weeks ago, I thought he'd be a change man, but instead he got worse because he was around his friends & family who supported him being a loser. One day, after coming back from a walk with our daughter, my husband & I got into an argument & right when I was trying to take our daughter out of her stroller, he grabbed it, while she was in it, but not secured in it & started trying to get it away from he, he pushed me & then began shaking the stroller violently, with our daughter in it & almost tipped it over. She began screaming (she's 5 months old) & faster than I could blink an eye, I called the cops on him & he got arrested. I called my family & told them what happened & they bought me a ticket that night. His mom bailed him out & while I was on the bus towards Ny, him & his mom called my cell blaming me for screwing him up. I hung up & knew that there was no looking back. This was only 3 weeks ago & even though he was & is a horrible man, I still at time think "what if I just stayed", then I look at my daughter & realize that he tried hurting her & if I stayed, what kind of mom would I be. I'm sorry if this reply is long, but I just want you to know that you are not going through this alone. I'm with you & I understand where your coming from. If I had stayed, oneday I or my daughter might not be alive because he decided he was going to kill us. If I had stayed, I'd only be putting my daughter in danger, she didn't deserve to be in. Noone deserves to be in that type of situation, especially children. It hurts, believe me, I know. I cry thinking "what if", but I can't make the "what if's" happen & I have to realize that I did the best thing for my daughter & I. My daughter didn't need to be raised in an abusive home or with a father that cared more about his girlfriends & drugs, more than he did about us. I look at our wedding pictures & cry, but everyday, my family keeps telling me that I left him for my daughter. I left him because she deserves the best life & if I stayed, God knows what else he would've done to either one of us. My little girl is my reason for living & for waking up everyday, saying "I can get through this". I feel your pain & you have to do the same thing. I know it's easier said than done, but this is coming from a girl who is going through this & who's been through hell & back. I know your pregnant & probably scared, but think about your child & tell yourself, good riddence to him because if he did all these horrible things to you, who knows what he might have done to your child. You are better off being a single parent because like my mom keeps telling me, people like the men we are so much in love with don't change. They feel like they've done nothing wrong. Being in the Army, people ask me, "why didn't you just fight back", but soldiers are human beings & we have emotions & feelings like everyone else. I was in love with him & just wanted to believe that he would change. He did & it was only for the worse. Your a better person without him. I hope for your sake, he never comes back & the reason why I am saying that, is because it will be easier to move on. If he does, please don't fall for his "false promises". That's all they are. You never want to subject your child to any of the things you went through & you would never want anyone to do this to your child. I don't know if you listen to music or what type, but there is a song by Cher called "Strong Enough" & everytime I think about him & miss him, I play it & it helps. Personally, I think you should listen to it because it describes how we need to be strong & how we're better off without these jerks in our lives. I've been home for 2 weeks & it's been hard not thinking about him, but when I see how happy my little girl is here & how she is safe & in a loving environment with me, I know I did the right thing. My mom is my inspiration, because she went through this with my real father & she never heard from him again & this was 22 years ago. My mother has since remarried to the only father I know who is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am lucky to have them behind me & there for me to talk to everytime I get upset about the situation. If you ever need to talk to anyone, please feel free to write. It is hard & it does hurt & it hurts us the most because we truly loved these men, but if they loved us at all or if they were any type of man at all, they would've never put us in these predicaments. A real man would've never done this as my parents sayy. You will get by. Tell yourself you are better than this & that he doesn't deserve you or your child. Tell yourself that everyday & when you think you miss him & want him to come back, think of all the bad things he did to you. Even if there were a few good times, just remember the good times were just his way of making himself look like he's the man & that everything is fine between you two. Never think that you deserved anything he did to you. Look towards the future & look at the type of life you want to give your child, which will be a great one. [qb]

quote:

Originally posted by lonegirl26:
[qb] HELLO MY NAME IS KRISTELL I AM A NEW MEMBER. ABOUT TWO DAYS AGO I FOUGHT WITH MY FIANCE' ABOUT GOING OUT. IT ESCALATED INTO A FIGHT WHERE HE TOOL OFF OUR DAUGHTER FOR A FEW HOURS AND WHEN HE CAME BACK HE TOLD ME HE WAS GOING TO KILL HIMSELF. A FEW MINUTES LATER HE TRIED TO FORCE ME TO STAB HIM WITH A KNIFE. WHEN I TRIED TO CALL 911 HE WRESTLED WITH ME AND TOLD ME IF I CALLED THEM HE WOULD STAB HIMSELF AND WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED IT WOULD LOOK LIKE I DID IT. I REALLY FEEL LIKE AN *** BECAUSE I WENT BACK TO HIM. HE HAD PROMISED ME IF WE GOT BACK TOGETHER THAT WE WOULD GET MARRIED. WHICH WE BOUGHT RINGS, BOUGHT TICKETS FOR VEGAS TO LEAVE 3-24-05 TO GET MARRIED AND WE TRIED TO GET PREGNANT. WELL HERE I AM 10 WEEKS PREGNANT AND HIM NOWHERE AROUND. I KNOW I AM A BETTER PERSON WITHOUT HIM, BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE THIS ANY EASIER. HOW CAN A MAN TELL YOU SO MANY LIES AND PUT YOU IN A PREDICAMENT LIKE I AM IN? I REALLY THOUGHT HE COULD GROW UP, BUT NOW I JUST GET ALL THE I TOLD YOU SO'S FROM FAMILY AND FRIENDS. I FEEL EXTREMELY ALONE. ANYONE HAVE SOME INSPIRATION FOR ME. [/qb]

[/qb][/QUOTE]

Well, I am no one to give advise right now. I was kind of in a something similar. My ex and I had a child, my child is going to be 1 year old this month. He has been out of the picture since the child was 3 months old, because he went to jail for abusing me. He was in jail for like 3 months. When he got out of jail, he wanted us back and said he would change, but he never did. I have no idea where he is now. I feel your pain. I hope things get better for both of us.

Oh, a riddle!

How can a man not be the person you though he was ... when you think he is someone he isn't?

Most of the time we want to believe someone so bad we are blind to what is right in front of us (yes, love is blind). People often times take advantage of us because of this. Sadly, those people ruin it for the good men and women out there who are innocent and probably make a perfect soul mate.

My advise ... do what I did and wake up to reality. We made a bad choice and now must accept it. I am still single 2 years later after my separation (3 months ago finally the divorce) and she doesn't even phase me. She can win the lottery or die, I personally don't care because I have my children and that is all that is important.

Thinking about ourselves and living in self pity affects our children. It prevents us from giving them the best parenting we have. Not saying we are bad parents, actually far from it, but our children sense our emotions and that does affect them indirectly. If you can't move on for yourself, do it for the children!

When you truly love someone it is easier to make an excuse for there actions than to see the truth about them take it from someone who knows, but I have two children with my ex and even though I wish they had a good father I wouldn't take the world for them,all you can do now is change the future you might want to go to counseling it really helped me because once you have been in an abusive relationship you tend to repeat yourself,and believe me from the sounds of it you were emotionally abused.

quote:

Originally posted by lonegirl26:
I REALLY THOUGHT HE COULD GROW UP

There is your first mistake, you thought he could grow up and he didn't care too. You can't change a person into who you want him or her to be, only find the person who already is who you want him or her to be.

he sounds like a man who craves attention. The suicide thing ... he wouldn't tell you he was doing it if he really was planning on doing it, the reason he told you was to get sympathy and attention. To find out if someone is REALLY suicide you have to read the signs, it is the ONLY way. Giving out their close personal belongings is one of them. Never will a real suicide person speak of their plans though.

You are better off without him, you don't need the drama, headaches, and the broken promises that will come if you try to continue down any road with him.

When I was very young like 16 I was in a very intense relationship with a boy who became abusive. Every time I tried to break up with him he threatened to kill himself he would even get a sharp object and cut himself untill I said I would take him back. I finally broke it off over the phone and although he tried to harass me I had some male friends who kept him away for a while. He did not hurt himself he didnt want to hurt himself he only wanted to do it in my presence to hurt me. I would assume he is just using that as a way to get control of you.

quote:

Originally posted by normajean-sugar:
When I was very young like 16 I was in a very intense relationship with a boy who became abusive. Every time I tried to break up with him he threatened to kill himself he would even get a sharp object and cut himself untill I said I would take him back. I finally broke it off over the phone and although he tried to harass me I had some male friends who kept him away for a while. He did not hurt himself he didnt want to hurt himself he only wanted to do it in my presence to hurt me. I would assume he is just using that as a way to get control of you.

He was definitly someone who just wanted attention. Glad your male friends stood up for you! Me, last time I heard someone say that I told them to go ahead and do it, they have the right to do what they want with their own life. They then got mad at me!!! If they were REALLY going to do it they wouldn't be mad but they didn't get the response from me they wanted so it frustrated them. Even offered some ways of doing it so they would feel less pain (jumping off a bridge or a cliff was #1 because the fall is fun until the sudden stop at the end). Of course if they were really suicidal, they wouldn't tell you in the first place so messing with the mind of someone messing with your mind is probably the most fun you can have because you are giving them a taste of their own medicine.

Sadly though on a more serious note, you really can't stop someone who wants to commit suicide. There was actually a true story someone wants told me and it went like this:

quote:

There was a boy walking home from school carrying a lot of stuff home including a baseball bat and glove, books, stuff a normal kid would have at school. I think at this time he was in 9th grade(I don't have the paper anymore so I am doing this from memory).

On his way home another boy saw him struggling with his stuff, dropping things every couple of steps. He went over there and offered his help. The boy accepted and they went to his house together. From that day on they became good friends.

After high school they both went off to separate colleges. After some time they lost contact of each other. Later after they were both successful bachelors they met up again in life. The second boy was to be married and the first boy of course was asked to be the Best Man. Of course he was honored.

The first boy one day asked him, "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so much stuff home the day you met me?"

The second boy replied, "No, it never crossed my mind, why were you?"

"Well," the first boy started to say, "I was actually on my way home to kill myself and I cleaned out my locker in school. After meeting you that day I figured I put off killing myself until the next day just to see what happened the next day. Everyday I kept pushing back killing myself until I forgot all together. I was just having so much fun in our friendship I never got around to killing myself."

The actual story had many other details I couldn't begin to remember as I read about it when I was 15 (13 years ago). Sorry the details are not there but it is a true story. That is actually how someone who is suicidal thinks and acts, they never tell you and sometimes you would be shocked to know that one of your friends in high school was probably suicidal and you never knew it!

I guess some stories touch your heart and you never forget them!