I am new here and new to this whole situation. I have been with my "husband" for 6 years and we have two little girls. Basically we have never been happy. He is emotionally/ verbally abusive. We seperated this week after I decided I have had enough. He is so manipulative though. Right now he talks me in circles until I wonder what I am doing. How do I stand My ground?? What do I do next??? I want him out of the house - he is on nights right now so we don't see eacheother ... but I want this official!

I take it by seperation it doesn't mean he will leave willingly.

I hate to even suggest this, because the TPO(temporary order of protection) system is widly abused, by people just wanting someone out. But if he is truly abusive you can start there. Please don't use it unless this is for real. It will mean him being told to leave by the cop with only his personal effects. If you do this, you should emidiatly file for divorce.

Ironically he is the Police - Which is probably why he can manipulate me so well. I did speak to an attourney who said we can pettition to have him removed from the home because of the environment he is putting us in.

HOw do you keep your head on straight during all this? I just find myself second guessing things when he starts on me. Right now he's playing the mopey victim here, like this is all my doing.

I know exactly what you are going through, I had to crawl in a shell. My ex was scitzophernic and very good at beating my psycie to shreads, it was never ending, and allways my fault. Look I am not sure on PA, if they have a TOP office, you could have him out of there in the morning without a lawyer, I don't care if he is a cop, judge, or a senater. That is where you start if you want him out now. Abuse comes in many forms.

I agree to you taking a stand. I used the protection order and it saved my ass. I ended up leaving the home though in fear that he was so angry that I kicked him out of HIS house that I ended up at a womens shelter. It only took a month to get a judgment, and I was allowed to return with police protection to retrive furniture and other items. Sometimes its better if you leave because then they cant stalk you, and you don't feel as though you are being watched.

First of all, I agree with MoPaul..u have to start with the police..it may b hard but stay strong for ur girls and for urself. I wish u luck.

Welocme PA Mom!!! I live in PA as well and many years ago had a PFA order. It did help me get away from my ex. But the cops did witness me getting hit and he even tried to hit me with a lamp by reaching around the cop with a floor lamp. I can laugh about it now, my ex was so ridiculous!
But in hard to state cases, start with calling domestic violence. I spoke to several local police officers and crisis intervention in regards to my brother's drug habit and what my sis-in-law could do. They said DV is the place to start and they will help with pretty much whatever you need. Now years ago when I was in an abusive situation, I couldn't get him out of the house, I had to leave, said there's nothing they could do. They did put me up until my apartment was available and then another agency helped with the security deposit and 1st month rent. I was too pround and didn't take all they wanted to give me. The biggest mistake was not getting counseling.

If you need anything I can help with just holler!
Take care and stay safe and may peace be restored to your life,
Kim

Thank you, so much has changed since that first post. I did end up at the Womens Resource Center and they were great ... and saw my counselor who was great. Then somehow he got me to cave. Yesterday I said this is our last chance. We had a great day yesterday - but I don't want to be here! I hate to have to admit maybe I just don't love him anymore? I'm not sure what to do ....

Well here is somethings to think about, most abusers will not change without help, they wait to feel comfortable again is all. You yourself are in a cycle. It is hard to leave your comfort zone even if you are misrable. As to what to do, no one can tell you that girl, it is your call. If you don't love him, then I would shift your focus to your children, what is best for them? Are they involved by having to listen to all the bull? Sometimes staying in a relationship can cause more damage to a child then leaving with them.

Just somethings to think about, I hope your situation improves.

THe hard thing is my mind knows all that .. I just can't seem to break this cycle. Part of me thinks I gave in yesterday b/c I was sick of fighting. I really don't want to hurt him, that's not my objective. I just want to help myself and my girls. They are girls! THey don't need to think this is how a guy treats a girl!

I have given in so many times just because I did want to fight about it anymore it was rediculous. Sometimes I regret what I gave into. I would have been free of my scitzophrenic wife 10 years ago had I not caved, but then I was commited and had to stay around and make sure she didn't mess up my kids.

You may want to consider also, you are not trying to hurt him, is he doing the same with his actions, is he not trying to hurt you?

YOu're right. He's just so manipulative ... hard to keep my head on straight. He is promising to get help and I believe he will do that. My first call on Monday will be to make that appointment for him. I tried to get him to leave while he gets straightened out - like a trial seperation but he didn't go for that either.

well Time will tell then, if and when he actually goes to councelling. If he just does it to say he did nothing will change. Oh I wouldn't let him think because he is going to go at a later date to councelling that he can fall in a do what he wants because "he is going to be fixed soon". You are going to have to stand your ground on this, and make sure he knows that the line is drawn, if he crosses it he is finished. I am real sorry for your situation.

WOW! Paul said it all! Heed the advice, it sounds all too familiar to me, also!

Take care and best wishes!

Kim

It seems as though you girls are a really great support for one another. I went through the same thing, swearing him off, then listening to the counselling thing and he astually went. But in reality he was there in body only. I talked to him after he got out of jail and he told me that he never truly accepted that he was an abuser until he was forced to look at himself in prison.

I can remember those feelings of just not wanting to fight and beliving and wanting so much for him to change that I give in numerous times. We had great times together, but the honeymoon stage got shorter every round. Sometimes I could feel the tension building and I knew that something was going to happen so I would prevoke it just to get it over with. It was almost like letting off steam.

I'm sure you are familiar with this feeling but as long as you are happy and not in any danger I hope it works out for you.