Ok here is my question my husband was abusive for our whole marriage and I stayed with him for 5 years until he left me about 4 months ago for someone new, Now the new women he is with tells me that I shouldn't be upset because we were already seperated when they met and that I was abusive to him all of which is complete lies, He left me 6 months pregnant and we had a 2 1/2 year old,
Now when he calls me and she isn't around he tells me not to get to attached to my boyfriend because he might come back, That I will go to **** if I marry someone else, And that he is sorry for everything and he wishes he had made it work with me,
If she is around then he says all the stuff about me being abusive and he hates me and I am so ugly no man would want me,and I feel like I am on a roller coaster that he controls does anyone have advice on how to take the control back,
I have complete custody of my boys for a year atleast until it goes back to court and so I don't have to see him but I always give in and he always breaks every request I make such as he brought the other woman to the hospital when I had our son and they both act like I shouldn't be upset by that. I know I rambled a bit but if you all have any advice it would be apprecited.

It's simple. He's still trying to control you. It won't be long before he's abusing his new woman either..if not already. I think you should seek some therapy to help you break the cycle with him. Seriously..

Are you sure you and I were not married to the same man?? LOL

He wants the control. The best thing you can do is cut off all contact with him- and I mean ALL! Get a third party involved when it comes to your children (visitation, etc) but the best thing you can do for YOU is to cut him off from your life. He will kick and fight it at first, but when he realizes that he has lost the control, you will be able to regain some normalcy to your life!!

I know what you are going though! And it does get better!

Hmmm sounds a little threatening to me. I would try to get far from him as possible. The fact that he thinks you will go to **** if you marry someone else, sounds like a control freak as astarte said.

Slowly get away from him as much as possible, and do not give him any information on your personal life about BF. It is none of his concern.

I would also suggest trying out support groups or contacting agencies that deal with this form of control to get the education that way. There are alot of tools they teach about boundary settings to gain back that control.

The less information he has about you, the better off you will be. His jealousy and domination are classic abuser signs and they should not be taken lightly.

The more you get involved with groups and counselling, the more empowered you will feel, and you will not only gain insight as to what you should do, but because it will all be legally documented, you may need all that one day.

Hey! Thank you all so much for your advice and I agree the less information the better the only reason he has a clue about a boyfriend is he drove by my house and saw a truck, I haven't confirmed one way or another on that, And I am planning on going to counseling but if I do does anyone know if that will make a difference in child custody I am afraid he will play up that I am just a weak minded person.

No it should not go against you in child custody. If anything it will help you. Getting counsellign or coaching is what i like to call it, shows strenght and desire to make things better. It shows desire and motivation.

There is nothing wrong with getting guidance especially when it comes to getting help with self-worth issues as a result of a bad relationship because from what you said he has severely put you down.

Also how can he play you a weak minded person for going to counselling....he shouldn't even know about that.

Abusive partners will tell you that you are a weak minded person if you are seeking counselling, so don't tell him that you are getting counselling.

On the contrary someone who asks for help is much stronger. You should not be in it alone, and guidance for you and your children right now is important and it will make you a stronger person for it. Not sure what organization are available in your area...here we have Victims of VIolence centres and family guidance centres where counsellors have alot of experience with abuse.

Hi Graybug, I am also married to your husband. In June of 2006 I decided I had enough after my life was threatened. The best thing I ever did was to abruptly end ALL contact. I didn't accept mail, phone calls, respond to texts, NOTHING! It wasn't hard at that point, but there had been many other points in our "relationship" that were more difficult and scary for me to leave. After I cut off contact the abuse or attempts at abuse got worse, to the point of him calling my job up to 50 times a day and cursing out my supervisors. It was embarassing and difficult, but nothing will change until YOU change your pattern of accepting it. He will never get better, your roller coaster ride will never stop, and you will run the risk of having more children by this man. PLEASE leave. My husband wasn't physically abusive every day, but it was bad at times. The verbal, emotional, financial, and mental abuse was ongoing! I beg you to leave and then think about your options. There are none with him. He can only make changes with a true miracle from God or a change in your responses. If you keep taking him back you are telling him that it is ok! I did it, and I know you can too. I feel alone at times, but I am a Christian and I can tell you that Jesus will NEVER leave you...He is your forever friend.

oh yes, and remember that as long as you are concerned with his reactions, he still controls you.

Thank you all so much for your replies and you all were correct that he would be abusing his new woman she told me this week that he hit her but that she really felt like she could change him I feel for her because she is me all over again but I am getting in counseling and feeling better.

Good that you are getting counselling and seeing things for what they are. It will help you resist his manipulation.

He's just continuing his pattern with the new "victim". That is very telling, her thinking she can change him. The classic mistake.
Only the perpetrator can change himself (and not many get that far in their consciousness, they just go on to repeat the same pattern in the next relationship).


A good book on the subject - maybe you know it - is Susan Forward's
"Men who hate women and the women who love them: when love hurts and you don't know why".
You can read reviews on it on Amazon.

It really helped me. Yes, cos I've "been there, done that".

Good luck! Wishing you lots of strength with everything!

Hello my name is Nikki,I am new to this site. Just wanted to say GOD BLESS YOU! It is good you are seeking help. I hope everything works out for you!

MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH!!!!

stop slagging off your wife on a public forum. we are really not interested in your rantings.

And if she's really that bad why think about it at all? Walk away, be glad it's done. No point in keeping the hate alive. Unless, of course, you enjoy it.

quote:

MY RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH!!!!

BTW, this is a privately owned forum....so much for your freedom of speech. It's all in how you present yourself.

I agree with Binarian....if she's so bad why stalk her into this forum and go off on such a rant. I've had some terrible women in my life.....that's I'd much rather hide from instead of going looking for them