I know that part of the emotional abuse is making you feel as if it's your fault.

Recently I experienced my soon-to-be-ex fiance telling me that I "WANTED" to have a tough life. He said something along the lines of, "You want your life to be hard, you want to feel like you're the victim of everything. You WANT to be a single mom just so that I can be the big bad guy and you'll be the helpless little girl that I hurt. But I haven't done anything wrong you just WANT to have a tough life!"

Anyone experience anything like this before? I know it's not "just me trying to be a victim" because other of our friends have come to me telling me that they don't think he treats me right and a few friends talking about him being emotionally abusive are what made me first look into what emotional abuse really WAS. So I'm not just imagining things...

Oh, Lord......I can relate 100%. My boyfriend, when he is angry can really say some crazy hurtful things to me. He hurts so he wants to hurt me.....He has even flat out admitted to that. He also twisted everything on to me.
Eventually I had to put my foot down and tell him I was tired of it. I talked and talked and talked till I was blue in the face and after days of this....and I really mean days...he finally started opening up.
Guess what, some people are really immature...my boyfriend is one of them. He reflects all of his anger and pain onto me. Instead of who it should be directed at. He feels safe taking it out on me....Sick huh??? He knows that too, he just didn't take control of it. Since our long talk, he has been so much better...there are time I can almost feel him biting his tongue. He pauses and thinks before he speaks and what an improvement it has made in our relationship. I don't like being hurt emotionally and it made me really sad and down and out. I was depressed all of the time. I hated that. Now as far as him saying to you that you want to have a tough life and want to look like the victim.....He knows he is wrong and is trying to put it on you to take the focus off of him. I delt with the same Sh*t. Do not let him talk to you this way, stand up for yourself.
I hope you figure this all out, I definately know how you feel. Jen.

WOW not am i only in the same boat, over the past few years i ahve heard worse. Right now i am almost 6 months pregnant with my daughter and our son is going to be 11, yea i know big age gap....ANYWAY, last night my finace soon to be ex told me i have ruined his life by having this baby and not aborting it, it is my fault our son has ADHD and it is my fault he isnt attracted to me.Um..im sorry i didnt ruin his life his wandering penis did that.He has cheated on me right and left for almost 13 yrs and got busted twice and stupid me keeps forgiving him, well now i want out for good. He tells me im stupid, im nothing without him and everything he does bad is my fault. Everything we have is mine from my car he uses to the apartment he lives in to the cell phone he uses to make dates with other girls behind my back.I caught him latley sneeking around behind my back with some girl who texts him at 2 am to tell him she ready for his visit and out the door he goes to "get cigarets and a beer".I wish i could just kick him out and be over with it but i am not financilly stable without his income and i think he wants it that way. i cant take this anymore..all of us deserve better, there has got to be a way to leave this and be ok....

I am not playing devils advocate. I just know that I fell innto the trap of blaming things on the fact that I was a single mom and so hard to do all by myself. No body could understand the struggle I faced. I found myself saying things like "you can't understand where I am coming from because you are not a single parent...." If you have found yourself saying or thinking those things, they may be somewhat correct. I am not saying he is, beacause I don't know you or him. But I will say that we need to stop segregating ourselves from the rest of the world because of the struggle we go through. We make ourselves sound like such charity cases and then get mad when people feel sorry for us.

Again, I am not saying that this is your case. I am just pointing out that there are two sides to the issue being discussed. I have been on the defensive, the world owes me side of things. And I was wrong.

quote:

I am not playing devils advocate. I just know that I fell innto the trap of blaming things on the fact that I was a single mom and so hard to do all by myself. No body could understand the struggle I faced. I found myself saying things like "you can't understand where I am coming from because you are not a single parent...." If you have found yourself saying or thinking those things, they may be somewhat correct. I am not saying he is, beacause I don't know you or him. But I will say that we need to stop segregating ourselves from the rest of the world because of the struggle we go through. We make ourselves sound like such charity cases and then get mad when people feel sorry for us.

Again, I am not saying that this is your case. I am just pointing out that there are two sides to the issue being discussed. I have been on the defensive, the world owes me side of things. And I was wrong

Just remember that when I wrote that I wasn't single. This was something that my recent ex said while we were still together. I don't want to have a tough life, but I realize that's part of the package with leaving. I've never played the part of a victim as he's said. The only reason he said that was because I was talking to him about leaving and he once again had to manipulate me into questioning myself and not leaving.

But happy to say that after a bad incident in a bar (long story) we are now not together and I couldn't be happier about that.

quote:

Originally posted by Justkell:
WOW not am i only in the same boat, over the past few years i ahve heard worse. Right now i am almost 6 months pregnant with my daughter and our son is going to be 11, yea i know big age gap....ANYWAY, last night my finace soon to be ex told me i have ruined his life by having this baby and not aborting it, it is my fault our son has ADHD and it is my fault he isnt attracted to me.Um..im sorry i didnt ruin his life his wandering penis did that.He has cheated on me right and left for almost 13 yrs and got busted twice and stupid me keeps forgiving him, well now i want out for good. He tells me im stupid, im nothing without him and everything he does bad is my fault. Everything we have is mine from my car he uses to the apartment he lives in to the cell phone he uses to make dates with other girls behind my back.I caught him latley sneeking around behind my back with some girl who texts him at 2 am to tell him she ready for his visit and out the door he goes to "get cigarets and a beer".I wish i could just kick him out and be over with it but i am not financilly stable without his income and i think he wants it that way. i cant take this anymore..all of us deserve better, there has got to be a way to leave this and be ok....

Justkell,

I know your situation like its my own. There are ways to make it work, GER HIM OUT. I moved to a brand new state with my ex-fiancee and my daughter. I gave up everything for him and depended on his income. I had finally had enough, packed up everything I could fit in my car, and left with my daughter and pregnant self. There are SOOOO many people and programs that can help you get through this and out of that. Its better to struggle on your own than to be miserable with him and show your children that theres no out. Theres always an out. Be strong

I am in a situation that I should have never gotten myself into.
I have 2 children 15, 9 who are not living with me because of my current husband and his abusive self.
Well I had my tubes tied for 9 years and got them untied because I thought this guy was the ONE (what an idiot). Now I am 6 months pregnant and he will not stop his double life of having *** with others and is still verbally abusive.
I guess I do get snippy back. I am not even sure I should be posting this in this area, but I am at a loss right now.
I hate the fighting but like JayCeeLa I feel stuck. I am in Hawaii with no family or friends. No one to turn to.

OK Thats it for me.
Jen (Hawaii)

WELL, ITS OK, WHAT IS IS WHAT IT IS, YOUR SIX MONTHS PREGO, START FORMULATING A PLAN FOR WHAT YOUR GONNA DO...TAKE CARE OF THE BABY...DONT WORRY ABOUT DUFUS HE IS GONNA DO WHAT HE IS GONNA DO...ASSUME HE IS NOT GOING TO STRAIGHTEN UP..AND START YOUR PLAN FROM THERE...TWO OCCUPANTS YOU AND YOUR NEW BABY...WHAT IS THE HOPE OF GETTING BACK CLOSER TO YOUR FAMILY...GOOD SUPPORT CAN BE EVERYTHING, ARE THERE ANY GROUPS ON THE ISLAND....HANG TOUGH

Thanks Raymond. I am working on finding a job somewhere on the mainland. I wish that I could be close to my family, but that is not likely to happen as I am a computer person and my family doesn't live near a big city.
Thanks,

ARE YOU FROM THE MAINLAND, IS THAT WHAT THE LOCALS CALL A HOWLIE OR SOMETHING..ARE THERE ANY JOB PROSPECTS....I WORKED WITH A GUY FROM HAWAII AND HE SAID YOU CANT GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU ARE SURROUDED BY WATER...ANY WAY GOOD LUCK AND STAY IN TOUCH AND STAY IN TUNE...RAYMOND

Thanks Raymond.
I am from Kansas originally but after joining the Air Force I had been all over.
I was in a place much smaller than this before so the water thing is not a big deal.
My kids are in WA and I want to go near them to rebuild a relationship with them that was so terribly destroyed by my latest spouse.
Thanks,
Jen Hawaii