hello everyone, i'm new to this website. here's a little info about me. i left my boyfriend 8 months ago when i was 4 months pregnant. the entire time we were together he was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. the abuse only increased after i found out i was pregnant. things didnt end well with him and i finally had to get a restraining order. now that my daugther is born, he is trying to get joint custody of her. i'm so frusturated b/c i know he wants nothing to do with her. when we we were together he actually tried numerous times to get me to miscarry, he even threatened to hurt her. i know if he sees her that he'll only hurt her to get back at me. i've been so disappointed in the legal system as well. even though im greatful to have my restraining order, i've had to go to court numerous times as a result of his attacking me. i ended up having to drop those charges against him, but i felt like during the whole process the courts favored him, even though i was the victim. just recently, we had a court date regarding custody, and he never even showed up, even though he was the one that initiated the whole process! it ended up being rescheduled, and my laywer thought there would be a good chance i'd get sole custody with no visitation rights for him since we hadnt heard from him. but wouldnt u know, couple days before the new court date, he decides he wants a laywer himself and now the court date got pushed back again. i know there's nothing i can do about it, but i'm so frustruated and scared of what might happen if he has any access to my daughter. anyways, i feel a little bit better after venting this out!!

vent away, that is what it is all about...

Questions to ask is ...

Does the courts in NJ think that an 8 months is too young to be with out your care...
For example,
If you are nursing the child, then the child can not be out of yourcare for too long.

Do you have police reports on the who, how, and when there was abuse?
Was the abuse in front of the child?

Hopefully, your attorney has covered these questions, and if not you may wantto contact an abuse org. and ask for someone that has knowlege of the laws concerning these issues.


Its scary to think about having to put on a smile, bundle up your child and basicly feel you are placing your child in a small fenced in yard alone with what seems like a raging bull.

But hold strong and ask your self questions that can support what you are saying to people who will make these choices yet do not know you. [I mean the court system of people]

Peace and hold strong
Robin

i did bring up those concerns with my laywer. i'm breastfeeding my daughter right now, and my lawyer said that with the court system, they can still allow over night visits, i would just have to pack enough breastmilk. which doesnt really make sense b/c she doesnt have a set schedule that she eats, it changes daily. i also have it documented on how he was abusing me, but the police were involved only once. so he basically denies what he did to me. i'm just scared that he'll get overnight visits and she's too young to be without me. i cant think of anything worse than she being so upset while with him and i'm not there to comfort her.

It is a really scary situation. Even if he is just doing it to get back at you. Have you tried talking to a local social worker? Does your town have a Childrens Advocacy Center? Sometimes, they can pull more weight in the court system than parents. If you know other people that are aware of his violent past, they could write letters (notarized), to the judge explaining how he behaves.
I understand your frustration with the legal system. I have been in a similar situation. My ex- had abused our mentally challenged daughter 5 years ago. He got probation & was told that he could never be alone with her or any child under 17. Then I find out in August that he abused her again-recently! It took almost 2 months for them to arrest him. But now, his probation has been revoked and he got 18 years. Hopefully he will stay in jail awhile.
I hope & pray that you and your daughter can be safe & have peace.

Im not sure of the laws in your state. I left my ex when my son was 18 mo. I had to prove my ex husband was abusive and i did all this by having a good attorney and by documentation, got a 3 year restraining order and The judge didnt beleive his lies and he only had supervised visiitation one day a week for 2 years. The judge made him go to AA everyweek and had to show proof, he made him take a domestic violence class every week for a year untill complete. He and I had to both attend a 6 week course called kids first and not until then did he get overnights my son was 4 1/2. And I asked the court to have a 730 evaluation done on our case, where a court appointed psychologist meets with you and your child and your ex seperatly and you both have to take a psychological tests and they visit your homes to see the kind of enviornment your child is in. If I didnt insist on this being done, My ex would have gotten 50/50 but now he has worked his way up to everyother weekend. My son is 5 now and he can now tell me things so i feel more comfortable, but your daughter cannot speak for herself. I cant beleive a judge would give an abusive person overnght visitation at that age. Your attorney needs to be more aggressive on your part. Good luck to you. Its a long and tough road but you have to keep on your attorney. YOu are paying them! just don't give up!!

After all my pain and suffering, my son's father and i now have a great relationship and are all about whats best for my son. I think after all that he had to go through as a result of his bad behavior he learned something and is alot different because the judge made him go through all of that. Ususally men who feel that there child isnt worth it wont bother doing all of that and just walk away. Sounds like your ex will walk if the judge makes it tough for him and makes him jump through hoops to see your daughter. I hope it all works out for you in the end. Keep your head up! I will pray for you both!

I'm 22 yrs old and expecting my first child in april.i lived with my b/f for 2yrs. and was he was abusive in all ways possible. i was closed off from everybody. he got tired of me talking on the phone so he turned off the service. a few days later, my dad showed up unannounced b/c he Hadnt heard from me and asked me to come home. 3 days later i was back at my dads house.
it was what i nedded. a few weeks later though i found out i was pregnant. my dad was very supportive. my ex was in the beginning. all of a sudden im asking for too much and i should get an abortion so i dont cause problems.one day while we were talking he started getting violent.So i gave him an article about stress and miscarriage. and i left that day and hadn't seen him for 4 months. he started calling me b/c his sister wants to be around for the baby.
but i dont want anything to do with him, he always has some excuse why he cant help out. My family thinks i should talk to him more, b/c "he is the father after all"
I know him and his family and i dont think they are the best influence.not just b/c of what went on between us, but they are involved in drugs, they live unstable lives, they're kids are rude. plus i dont want him to get they way he does in front of our child. he never cared who was around before. i just dont think its safe. but everyone keeps pushing. no one really knows what went on in out relationship and i really dont want to talk about it with them. my dad would kill him.but are they right?
should i let him be involved just b/c hes the father?
even though, being involved means, no financial help, and calling and seeing her once a week or less. and complaining about child support.
i dont know.
i just dont know.
none of it sits well with me.
he has another child with his ex wife and hes barley around, and his child hates him.
i have a very large family and they are all supportive in every way possible.
even with daycare.
they are the influance i want for my child.
positive male and female role models, even if the male isnt her father.
isnt that what matters more than the simple fact that my ex is the biological father?
whats best for her?
sorry if a rambled. but these thoughts have been haunting my mind for a while.
i need another perspective.
thank you

Hi Girlie
Welcome to SFV

If you are convinced that it is not safe for your ex to be around the child, then you need to start documenting why. Does he have a criminal record. Was he abusive to you? If he was, did you report it to the police. If you can have solid documentation of his drug use and criminal activities,then you have a better case.

As far as him not paying child support, why? If he really wants to see the child, he should go to court for visitation and he will at that time also be ordered to pay support. Even if it's not very much money, that's his responsibility, and the judge can force him to keep a job and pay. I know as well as every one here does that there are ways to sidestep that process, but it's a good place to start. If he's really serious about seeing the child, he will initiate that process.

If he doesn't seek visitation, I would simply not allow my child to leave the house with him. If you know that he uses drugs and the child would not be safe in his home, then at most you could allow him to come by and see the child, but not unsupervised and not outside your home.

Best of Luck to you.

That is some great advice from MissAbb.

You already know that the best influence for your child is to grow around your family and it is great that they are willing to give you the support you will need. No need to haunt yourself with these doubts, it takes a village to raise a child and your family is the best.

As far as your ex, take in serious consideration documenting any violent act he may do and if necessary contact authorities if he attempts anything out of the ordinary or ilegal, remember this will only help you in the long run.

I know that you will be OK.