Newbie here I am a single mother of a 5yr old girl. She is the light of my life. She wants to know about her daddy. The last time she saw him she was 19days old when he tried to abduct her at knifepoint.

He is a very dangerous man who had assumed another man's identity to evade warrants for violence and arson. He left his country of origin using the false identity but the authorities caught up with him and he was deported after being on the run for four years. He has since served his time and is on parole.

With permission from the courts I relocated, changed our names and was even given permission to have his assumed name removed from the birth registrar. He is not allowed to know her whereabouts. He is also not permitted back in this country.

I lived in terror while with him and after he was deported I suffered a breakdown (PTSD) became hyper vigilant and agoraphobic. I have a wonderful support network and am doing ok these days. Amazingly, my lil girl is self-assured and very outgoing. Unfortunately, because of what happened to me she will never have a father and that's something I will always regret.

I do not want her to know what kind of person he is. All she knows is that he had to go back to his country because he didn't have the right papers. She wants to visit him one day. These conversations have been going on for three days and I'm exhausted. I knew the questions would come one day but not so soon.

I'd hate to think there are others who have been through a similar ordeal but I'd be so grateful for any advice offered.

I grew up not knowing things about my dad that I was finally told when I was an adult.

You could tell her that when she is an adult you will let her know why things are the way they are. Keep documents to show her later that what you say is the truth.

I have documents, and recordings of what is going on now so that if and when my kids want to know I can show them and let them hear what was said as their mom has a strange way with the truth.

For now tell her that you are doing what is best for her and she can know more when you think she can handle it.

Hope this helps, and hope to see you on the board.

I think you're right in not telling her everything. There are some things she just doesn't need to know at this age. I would tell her that he's gone and he's not coming back. If she continues with wanting to visit him, just tell her that you don't know where he is and don't even know how to go about finding him. That might satisfy her for the time being.

I think you are doing the right thing by protecting her from the truth.

I don't know if it might help you talking to her at this point, but I used the ( choices) explanation.

Your father made ( choices ) that are not healthy, and safe for a family.
Because of these choices, I had to make choices to make us safe.

They are complex and adult issues. When you are older and can understand these adult things I will explain them to you if you want to know more.

I hope that you find a response that will satisfy her for the next while.
It sounds like you were in an awful relationship. So happy to read that the both of you are safe now.

Thankyou everyone for your replies. My situation is not known to many except those closest to me. I am scared as to whether I would be believed or if people would think I was an idiot to get involved with someone like him. I remember one magistrate actually said "this reads like Days of Our Lives". The courtroom chuckled but went quiet when I replied "yes but it's MY life".

Dale, yes I have a huge file of paperwork, investigations and court documents I hope to never have to show her.

You are right Amy she doesn't need to know. I guess she just caught me off guard with the questions as she is still a baby in my eyes and I forget she is an independant thinker now lol.

Harmony and me...the choices thing is a good idea she understands choices and consequences.

I often doubt my own version of events and wonder "what if I...." but my psychologist describes him as a sociopath and she believes no matter how hard I tried to 'be good' it wouldn't have made any difference.

Again thanks all. I'm so happy I found this forum, I'd like to hang around for a bit if that's ok.

BTW you all have beautiful kids

hello, I could only imagine what type of situation your in... so my heart goes out to you and your little girl... Its really difficult already when the father lives in the country, city what not and your trying to explain things to a child... let alone your situation of having to with hold information from your child... Im wondering do you have any brothers? or a father? or grand father? It helps to use them as much as possible when a father figure is not in the picture...for me Im lucky I have 3 brothers, and my father so my daughter grew up very close to them... she new bits of her father and he would randomly visit... she would ask things too but also she had her little ....rare visits from him.... but having to not tell a child where her father is from, or who he is is definitely difficult... Yes at a more cognitively appropriate age hold that other information for her... But for her now been a child, I think she still needs to know little information u know?.... do you share maybe just what he looks like? coz alot of the time for the child its more to do with them, they wanna know the look, the sound, the smell, weird things like that... I work with people whom need to be transfered away because of dangerous ex partners...and the situation for the child is extremely traumatic.... but sometimes the child will still say they love dad or mum... but these children have had the bond experience... I guess if it is possible, to share little information about him with her such as looks, and maybe something he said that was nice?? so she has that.... as well as informing her of what you already do share with her.... but yes it is a very serious situation. I hope all the best for you in the future...

I really feel for you there because this is a case where she will never really know her father because it is in herbest interest not to know. I think it is because she is 5 so she is in school and she sees other children with fathers so that is why she is curious.

The best thing you can do is not lie. Obviously you are doing write by not telling her things she is not ready for but try not to lie about it either. My biological father left my mother when I was really young and he was what one would call a career woman user. He lived off one woman to another woman. Only reason I even cared to know anything was because I learned I had a sister and tracked her down following the trail of women who were very angry with him. Boy that was an experience and I did eventually find her and we talk all the time now. She is a good Aunt to my children!

But ... I can honestly say that I didn't care mostly because my mother remarried a man who took real good care of me. He was my real father to me because he was there. Don't go and look for someone though because it worked for my brother and I but I guess what I am getting at is that in time your child will understand that he isn't there because of his choice or past choices in his case and he doesn't deserve to know his child because of them. Basically she will move on.

As for you, you been through a lot but don't let it get you down. He won't hurt you anymore and you don't need him, actually it is quite the opposite that you need to be away from him. Just enjoy your child and one day someone will observe how happy you are with your child and come into your life treating you and your child the way you should have been a long time ago.

My mother was a single parent of three before meeting my father and having me. I asked her what she used to tell them when they asked knowing that one day I would need answers.
She told me that when they were young she just told them enough to satisfy their curiousity. For example..." He lives far away", "He couldn't be here". She said that held them off till they were old enough to understand the real story. Then she told them the truth.

quote:

Originally posted by Harmony & Me:
I don't know if it might help you talking to her at this point, but I used the ( choices) explanation.

Your father made ( choices ) that are not healthy, and safe for a family.
Because of these choices, I had to make choices to make us safe.

I've actually used these exact words myself for my son and it was enough for him to accept for that time being. This is probably the best thing you can say to her without having to explain so much of the truth. On the flip side, you don't want her creating this Godly figure of who her dad might be, in her mind.

Thank-you for writing about your dilemma, I have a similar one (although my ex was not as bad, but still unsafe for myself and children)and so far I have not come up with a solution I am comfortable with. My son went through a phase of being very angry at me as he thought I was stopping him from seeing his dad (overseas), as that's what his dad was telling him on the phone.So I did tell him that his dad wasn't very nice to us, and that his dad would have to come and visit us if he wanted to see my son (and daughter who he hasn't actually met so far). But I'm not happy with this solution, as now he tells daycare teachers and friends that his dad isn't very nice, this option (plus trauma and other things) isn't great for his self esteem. I'll try the 'choices' explanation next time he brings it up. I did start a photo album with photos of my ex and his family, with my son as a baby, so he would have some way of connecting with them for himself. Just so he has a face to go with any memories that he has left, I've heard this can be a useful way of workign through grief. Part of my difficulty I guess is my difficulty in facing or processing what happened, and losing the family we had, and the huge change in my son after going through all of that trauma. He's a lot better now, thank goodness, it's just hard to have a coherent and comfortable explanation for a child when I'm still trying to understand it myself.

Thank-you for sharing your dilemma, sorry if I'm rambling. It's nice to be able to talk abotu these things - generally I find it's too shocking for people, if I talk abotu it, then all of a sudden the friendship changes or disappears.

I hope it gets better for you, I wish people who hadn't experienced these things could have more understanding and compassion (no offence to anyoen who does!!).

Mine told me she miscarried because I smoked the herb. So, you can always say he was just a sperm doner. I never met my father either, my mom just freaked when I asked about him and still has never told me, I am 29. I would try to prevent her from searching. As she gets older she will be strong enough to handle the truth, I think. My mom had enough love for 100 parents but I still do want to know about him, I guess. I would not lie either it is best to always be truthful even when it hurts.

3 plus 3 thanks for that advice. To hold on to information that proves we are trying to do the right thing for the kids to see when they get older! My ex girl friend will not let me be a part of the pregnancey over the herb. I quit by the way and would have before she left if prompted. But I can save the emails that prove she left and I did everything I could to keep our family together. She snapped and is in hiding. Protective order put on me today, I guess to start the custody fight. Thanks 3 plus 3!

It's is hard when they start asking where their father is. My son started asking my mom first and she really wasn't ready for that. My son is about to turn 6 and he is trying to figure out everything. His father gave up all rights to my son. My son hasn't seen his father in four years and doesn't remember anything about him.I tell him that his father decided he didn't want to be a father and that I don't know where he is. It's hard talking about it with him but I knew someday I would have to, I was just hoping that it would be a little longer. I know that he lives about 25 minutes away. I live in fear of running into him when I'm shopping with my son at the malls around here.

I plan on telling him most of the truth when he's an adult. I did save some pictures (I ripped up some out of anger). I do have the letter that his father wrote saying that he wanted to give up rights and all the court documents.

I just know that I did the right thing because now my son has the chance to be anything he wants without the trouble from his father. He has people that love him and want the best for him. I know he may be mad at me some day but I will love him through that just like everything else.

Just keep it simple for now.