First, i'm sorry about my English; i don't speak or write it very well.
I have an 8 almost 9 year old daughter. When she was 3 we left her father (my husband at the time, now ex-husband), because he's a violent man, was really violent to me and i had just found that he wasn't treating my (our) daughter very well either.
It was like living in **** then, very traumatic for both of us (my baby and i) it's been almost 6 years and i still have nightmares about that time.
Last time my daughter saw her father, she was 3 and i got a court order to stop visits because she usually got sick and because he was / is a threat to me and my daughter. She spent 4 years with psychological help... we stopped that because her doctor said she was ok now and also because we moved to another country.
Anyway and being short now, like i said, she hasn't seen her father since she was 3 and i have never been with anyone else. For sometime she understood why we were away from her dad, she remembered everything, but now she doesn't remember and became to think that her father is a wonderful man and that i am being a witch for not letting her be with dad or for not "getting" another dad for her...
I'm so tired of this nightmare, i'm so tired of seeing my child in pain not being able to ease her pain, and i'm out of ideas now... don't know what to do anymore...
Have any ideas? Could u help me to think what can i do / say to help ease my child's pain?
Thank You

You can tell her...

Her dad Loves her very much but he is sick and one day , maybe, one day when the time is right you will let her talk to him. But he has to be better first.

Have faith in you abilty to mother and nurture, you ARE doing a great job. Stay with your plan to stay safe.

big hugs

Thank You for your response. You know, this is very confusing to me. My child witnessed every violent thing her father did to me, not to mention what he did to her. She used to ask me why her dad was a bad person, and i used to say that i don't know whether he was a bad man but he sure did bad things to us. This response usually did the trick, she would calm down. Not anymore, all she wants now is to have a dad... i suppose it is happening because she's hanging around a lot now with friends who have wonderful dads and she feels lonely because she doesn't have one, so she turns her anger and sadness to me, saying that I’m bad for not letting her be with dad. As for telling her that her dad loves her, i don't know if i should do that (its a lie) but i like your idea of telling her that one day, when the safety issue is over, she will meet her dad... Also, and i'm sorry to abuse of your kindness, i do have another question, My daughter has a Photo of her dad, i gave it to her, do you think it is a good idea showing her a movie about our wedding? Won’t that be a little more confused? She wants to know more about that, her dad. Some times I think that showing her he movie is not a very good idea, but, on the other hand, it is a part of her history, and she does have a right to know... Argh, i'm sorry, but i hate him so much for the pain that he has caused, especially on my dear, sweet princess... Am i being to aggressive? Thank you for your time, and once again, sorry if I can’t express my self more clearly, it is difficult not knowing enough of English…

with love,always with love...you express yourself just fine. Its gut wrenching when you have to watch a child hurt from someones mindless lack of sensitivity or decency...over here its called the BIg I LITTLE you SYNDROME have you got a saying for that in lisbon...peace Ray

It's not an easy thing Yasmin. What have you told her about her fathers absence so far?

Like everyone else has said its not easy in any light.. I would tell her the truth in terms she can understand like as in your dad has a problem and until that is solved we have to stay away.

On another note stop hiding yourself from the world. There are plenty of us nice guys out there... well maybe not me but I know they are out there. Start dating again your little girl wants you to be happy as much as she wants to be. If you can't find many nice guys come to the states we think girls with foreign accents are sexy

quote:

Originally posted by Bishop:
On another note stop hiding yourself from the world. There are plenty of us nice guys out there... well maybe not me but I know they are out there. Start dating again your little girl wants you to be happy as much as she wants to be. If you can't find many nice guys come to the states we think girls with foreign accents are sexy

LOLOLOL ... ya.. Maybe you are right... i didn't think i was hiding from the world but you sure got me there... just to scare to be hurt again, i guess...
As for my princess, she knows her father is a violent man, she just wants this not to be true and i can understand that... Every time se brings the subject up i tell her the same thing, that it is for our safety that we have to be away from her dad, i also tell her that i do not know if it will come a day that she will be able to see him again...
Raymond, i don’t know if we have a say about that here in Lisbon... never heard of one....
I'm giving my best on dealing with this, but sometimes i do feel really lonely... Thank you

I have been reading over your questions and all responses. The past 11 years have been a journey of self-discovery. Through observations, queations, books and personal obstacles, I have come to terms with who I am.

It might help to look at your situation from outside the bubble. It sounds like you are so busy taking care of the now that the big picture is a blur.

I think that no matter what the story is, in the center of everything, there are common issues which interfers with our thinking process.

I have three children. Their mother has pulled out all the stops to prevent any contact at all. I was desperate. I asked myself, I wonder if they know I love them.

You see, I was that bad guy you are talking about. I now have living with me my daughter whom I love more than anything, and she loves me also.

Perhaps, if you wish, we can bounce ideas off each other. I think you have lost sight of values and principles. It is not easy out there, alone, scared and facing challenges of the unknown. If you are kicking yourself-STOP-put the brakes on your mind creating scenerios which open the door to fear.

Is there somewhere you could go for counselling?
Maybe through an organisation there helping women dealing with domestic violence.
I think you need help with this. Not only for dealing with this with your daughter but if you are still having nightmares, for yourself too.
I can relate a lot of what you are going through because I was also physically abused. I am also still dealing with the after effects.
I did some counselling and group therapy for it and it really helped a lot.

Hey there! I have lots of experience in this both professionally and personally ... Id like to also support the advice others have written as it all is very good advice and also the offer by another father whom was in a similar situation as your daughters father... Im not sure where you are from but your english is really good! I struggle with speaking grammatically correct too lol but... my writing is fine I hope if not appologies people ...

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with showing your daughter wedding videos, photos, or anything positive of her father at all...and it will not cause any confusion or any problems as a matter of fact this is what she is needing as she develops. As you had mentioned that her father was very abusive, and she had witnessed and also experienced that abuse her little mind will hold that knowledge about her father...so she knows these things and Im sure you do your very best to keep her safe and away from him for that reason and Im sure shes away of that too... so shes in a safe loving environment been raised by you... you have created such a safe place for her... that she feels safe enough to explore the other sides of her father, which you can provide her with... give her as much information as you can about the positives, maybe what looks she shares with him, weird things he may have done, and even if possible keep in touch with his SAFE side of the family if possible? if not thats ok... still share the knowledge of her fathers side with her ... reason been is because she has no other knowledge about him..and that is the other part of her, so just knowing the negative sides of him, only shows her that kind of background for him/her... but kind of showing a more 3 dimmensional person, helps to create a more real side for her, as well as knows him as a person also...and those positive stories/information you share with her will help to fill her knowledge of herself and her dad... not saying that he at all should be apart of her life while he is dangerous no way, but the positive, safe knowledge you have of him, memories you have of him can be shared with her just as much as the negatives.. but always reminding her that just like the others said and as you have also said... he is not well to be near, he isnt safe for us to be near ..but maybe one day when he is well, (or even through supervised contact??) you may see him... but for now I will tell you everything you need to know about him... also allowing her to write letters to him ( You dont have to send them but you can create a special box? or something special to put her letters or pictures of anything for him into...and let her know when the day/time is write and we are about to speak to him) we will give these to him... Ive found this allows the child to release some of the hurt, anger, sadness, and even writing or drawing their love down on a paper/ creations some where and know that... it will be given to them one day.... helps them alot.... anyways just some advice much love 2 u and your daughter

quote:

Originally posted by ASillyName:
You can tell her...

Her dad Loves her very much but he is sick and one day , maybe, one day when the time is right you will let her talk to him. But he has to be better first.

Have faith in you abilty to mother and nurture, you ARE doing a great job. Stay with your plan to stay safe.

big hugs

Well put, I couldn't have said it better myself!

Hi.

I know the situation you are in. My ex Ra**d me last october and blamed it on my son. He is now, thankfully in prison. When it happened, i just went straight back to work and acted as if nothing ever happened. probably the wrong thing to do as now my boy is playin up something chronic, i have told him a little of what happened and daddy is never coming back, he recently said i dont have a daddy and that upset me. i think when he gets out i will have to rethink the situation as i have to protect my son, i know how hard it is for you and i am tooscared to start a relationship and am thinking of moving completely away. I hope everything works out well for you but my advice would be to just take each day at a time, be honest and truthful and just assess the situation as the need arises.
take care.
Emma

I'm so sorry you are going through these tough times. Have you talked to you daughter about what your role is to her? That may be a great start. One way I talk to my kids when they ask about being with their father is I remind them of what one of my most important role is to them. I let them tell me what they think first...she may say...to love her, play with her, cook for her, help her, etc. After she finishes describing your role to her. Ask her how does that make her feel? After that, remind her that you are also her protector and it is your job to protect her. Validate her frustrations and let her know that you will always protect her and be there for her. You have to try to not make her decide between you or your ex. No matter what the abuse way, he is still her father and she will always love him. And as hard as it is, you have to allow her to love him and let her know that it is okay with you that she loves her father. It is hard, I know...I'm going through this with my 3 kids. I hope this helps. I'm here if you want to talk more.