I was so devastated from the carnage of my relationship with my ex that I referred to myself as DeadManWalking when I joined a internet support group for people affected by someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.

I thought I would post some of the writings I did to give some others some encouragement on their walk out of the pure **** that a DV relationship brings into your life.

Most of these writings were pretty raw emotion and at times a little over the top. I eventually got out of the self pity, got my act together, and fought with everything I had to save myself and then my daughter.

Wherever you are in the process of getting out... just know that it might be really dark and seem completely overwhelming... but you can make it out. And take this to heart... the life you have remaining can be as beautiful as you choose to make it. Sure some things were lost and you will never get them back... but just look at what you can still have and focus on that. For me, it is my daughter Sophie and our future together, and with someone else when the time is right.


This following post is where it started for me. It was the first step of this journey in taking my life back...

A DeadManWalking and His Mirror


Where to start? Feels like a Quentin Tarantino film is being made out of my life.

I'm empty of a lot of the things that made me... me. Kindness, tenderness, love, commitment, optimism, confidence, hope, joy... empty is the wrong word... there are hints here and there but it all feels... tarnished, blackened, stained .

In the middle of the darkness is this huge hunger for respect... acceptance... love...

and... a hatred that its there because its what her poison has been mixed with all this time. My own virtues keeping me there expecting something better if I just try harder.


Little drops into buckets easily missed... slowly adding more and more...

occasional notice that something isn't quite right... things always explainable or forgiven...

the deception of the gradual... until my virtues are killing me and I find myself to be just as much my own enemy as her.



What a twisted existance to end up in. Past memories of my virtues still there struggling with my present temptation to reach out anywhere just to get acceptance and love... even if it only "feels" of it...

just to feel it... please just a bit...

doesn't matter with whom... or what comes after... just give me it now.. I can worry about after... after...


After will be empty...

I don't care... I need it.

After will hurt...

Maybe it won't. I don't care... I want to feel again...

After could stain more...

Listen... don't you understand that anything will be more to me than this emptiness???



The struggle with the man in the mirror... when did you become me? How can you think the things you do? Whats with all the scars? Man you're a mess.

Yep.. I'm you now...

I can't be.

Really? Look at these scars inside you. Think of this. How can you show these scars to anyone... would they ever understand how they got there when you dont even believe it? Admit it. You believe the things she says about you. They are gonna take one look at you and run... if they are smart they will...

Besides, how are you even going to begin to explain what you have been through? She was the problem not you? Ha ha ha... yeah right that will get far.

How is anyone going to trust you. You are an abuser now you know. There are no excuses remember... you simply are one now. You have been trained by the best of the best. You have done the deeds verbally, emotionally and physically.

Listen I have learned alot about abuse now after three counselors with her and I have never been abusive in any relationship before this.

Doesn't matter. In the end... you have become all the things she has said you are...

F*$# You. I am not.

See what I mean.

Really. How are you going to trust yourself. Face it. I'm you now. Get use to me because I am here... funny thing is...

you made me.

Yeah I did. But I didn't want to.

You made all those choices. No one makes you do anything. Each time you matched her you did it of your own will. Each time you didn't back down so that you could save a part of you... you made the choice to make more of me. Ironic isn't it.

And you need me now to keep her from taking the rest of you. And to protect you from anyone else like her out there... you will probably just end up with another one just like her.

You could find someone perfectly fine out there for you.

Better yet... you will meet someone perfectly fine and let ME screw them up...

I don't need you and I am not going to be you.

Really? You remember how it was... month upon month withholding *** from you... she'd played all the virtues that a husband could have and ran them dry... your divorce was almost final... and then you had the stupidity to sleep with her because she suddenly wanted you? She got what she wanted... and ya it was you... VIP Access to the "father virtues" to be exact... and the divorce stopped didn't it.

I tried but it didn't take more than a month and she was telling me how terrible of a father I would be and how she won't allow my family to be alone with the child. I just couldn't let her destroy anymore of my life... how much more of myself can I lose before I am just gone... how many more things can she criticize me about? how can I prove that she's not right?

Hey bud... you are the one that is walking away from your unborn child right now. What kind of man... what kind of loving father does that? Another thing... you even said you wished she would miscarry... you wished your own child dead just so you wouldn't have to be attached to her for the rest of your life. She reminds you of it all the time... just wait till she tells your child what you said. Are you going to deny it? Where's virtue when you need it now?

Not only that you even think about just giving her the child... what kind of man would save himself from something at the expense of his own child. You sure as h*ll are me. Where is virtue in that? Speaking of virtues... How are you going to fend of those virtues she is going to play like a fiddle once she has this child of yours. What is she going to say about you then? What is she going to tell all your friends? What is she going to tell your own child about you. You can't do it alone. You need me.


I'm just tired of feeling so alone and fighting you and her. I need to escape into someone's softness. Share even a small moment of intimacy and caring... Rest and remember what its like to love and give. Remember what its like to be respected. Remember how to respect myself and why.

So let me get this straight... you want to use someone to avoid your life and who you have become? Ha! That's more like it... Thats what I would do!

F*$# You.

You know love and acceptance does exist out there. You just need to be patient.

F*$# You too.

I am so glad you are taking all the necessary steps to heal. I have also survived a DV relationship and have worked in the field for over five years now. Im so glad a man has had the courage to tell his story. I work with so many male survivors of dv relationships and I know there is more out there that are afraid to come forward. Good luck to you and your daughter in your new life!