First let me say that this domestic violence forum has been a godsend.All of the posts I've read tonight have been so inspiring and reassuring-I am just so glad that I found this site
I actually searched for a site like this because I need help and I didn't know where to get it....now for my story and my question
I have the typical abuse story- my ex was physically and emotionally abusive for 5 years.We met when we both moved to NH to live at the beach one summer,he was from NJ and I was from MA.At first it was so great- he was so smooth and he had me thinking that I was the most beautiful woman on earth....of course it went downward very quickly and the next thing I know I'm being called a liar and a cheater...I used to show him receipts from stores so he could tell where I was if I left the house.I still can't beleive that I let myself get into a relation ship like this.Then one day after he went out drinking with his friends he came home late and I was just annoyed so I went to leave just to get out of the house for a while. He followed me into the car jealous of where I was going to go. Then he punched me. Right in the mouth. I still have the scar from where my teeth went through my lip.It was the first time I was ever punched like that- but not the last.To keep this story short I will just say it got worse from there and I got to a point that I think alot of abused people get to...I realized I would have to get out or just let him kill me. That was my turning point to getting stronger and making plans to leave. The last time I saw him we were driving to cash one of my paychecks on a sunday- my bank wasn't open and the one that was wouldn't cash my check because I didn't have an account there.He was so mad because he was also a drug addict that he started to hit me in the head and face with a glass bottle while I was driving down the street.I was seeing stars and swerving into traffic so naturally alot of people in the town called the police.The last thing he said to me when they pulled us over as he kissed me on the face was " Don't tell them anything baby because they'll take me away and I love you"

needless to say I did tell them everything and I put him away for 2 years.I moved back in with my family because it was safe..he cut me off from them, and never let me visit so he did not know where they lived.That was my blessing because 3 months after I left him I found out I was carrying his baby.I was scared and happy at the same time.I made the decision to never tell him my baby girl existed. I never wanted him to be in her life to hurt her.ari is 4 now and after he got out of jail I don't know where he went all that I know is that he has no I dea where I am.That is my story and If you are still reading I thank you.

I don't know if this a mistake or not but when she was old enough to realize her family was different I just told her that she did't have a father. I wanted to keep it simple and we talked about the differences in familys.She never minded but she also had her grandfather in her life ( he passed away last year). Lately she has been talking about her uncle who she hardly knows because he went into the Marines right after her 1st birthday but he is her new idol and tonight when she was going to sleep she said " I'm going to dream about having a daddy".It just made me so sad and I don't know what to tell her- part of me just wants to say that he died, but that just doesn't feel right. Does anyone know what I should do?

sorry that this post is so long- once I got started I just couldn't stop

First off let me say I am so sorry for what you went through. Second of all welcome, and third you should be proud for standing up to him and telling the cops. Yeah to a lot of people that seems like a no brainer but it is a lot harder than it would seem. I understand that, you should be proud of yourself.

As far as your daughter goes she does not have to know right now. If she has people to look up to that is the most important thing. You can told her when she is old enough to understand that's when you will explain it all. But for right now she does not have a father. I think it is truthful and as simple as you can put it for a four year old. I am sure someone else on here will have some suggestions also. I am glad you found us and wlecome!

Thankyou for your reassurance- I even felt better just putting it all down. Sometimes it just gets to be too much.

I found with my own situation I was in such denial for so long about a lot of things. It actually took a while for me to undo it all and tell myself it was as bad as I orginally thought. That was when I told myself I was blowiing it all out of wack. My situation was not as physical as yours but not good at all just the same. I lived in fear and I know what that's like. Thanks for sharing with us.

That is so true I have always been a " move on and don't think about it" kind of gal.I even surprised myself at how kind of strong and free it made me feel to write about it- I also have to say that I have NEVER posted anywhere before and I had a mix of embarassment of my weak moment and and kind of a nervousness of how people would respond. So thank you for exactly what I needed to hear.I think I found a great support resource in this site

Good for you on getting out, and good for you for coming here cos you need to work through this for yourself too, and this thread is really helpful, even by just reading others´ experiences.

I would suggest you don´t tell your daughter that her father has died, cos when she later finds out it is not true, she will wonder what other "untruths" you may have told her.
You could tell her he left and you don´t know where he is (true), and when she is old enough to know, you can tell her the real story and she will know that you did it for both of you.

Congratulations for getting out and not continuing the generational cycle of abuse.
(kids growing up in abusive homes think that is the "norm", and usually end up in similar situations).

I completly understand about the embarrassing part. I also felt that way too! You have to understand that it is not your fault. They are the ones that should be ashamed and embarrised. Not us. It's not fair for anyone to put another human being through something like that. I cannot say it enough I am glad you have found up and you have found a place that you can come to and get it all out.

Hi creativemom28, and welcome!

Wow, I got goosebumps from reading your story. Through college, I worked at a confidential battered women's shelter, so I have a lot of experience in the area of domestic violence. Some of the stories I've heard would horrify you. Your story sounds so familiar. The part about him kissing you after assaulting you and telling you he loved you made me sick to my stomach. Such a classic case of DV. How traumatic for you to have survived.

How brave of you to have reported him, when your life was truly on the line. How courageous of you to return to your family, who had been cut off from you.

Wow. I am so in awe of what you have survived. You are amazing!

There are other moms (and dads) here in your situation who deal with an absent parent for many reasons. I agree that you don't want to lie about his whereabouts. Someone, (I think it was smshybug?) somewhere said that she tells her daughter, "Your father wasn't able to be a dad, and I wanted to be your mom." (or something along those lines). I think that's a nice, clean, honest way of sharing that information with your child.

Anyway, welcome to the site. Feel free to connect with me further if you need to do any more unloading about the DV stuff. It can take a lot out of you once you start sharing it...