Yes, that is something...

Im glad to see u wrote "ex"... that means u not in that abusive relationship anymore..

Good for you!!

I am so glad that I found this site. It's sad but helpful that other people and many people at that have been through so much and even more than I could have possibly imagined.

I stayed with my boys' father for ten years of my life. I believed that abuse was normal and I deserved it. My father beat the **** out of my mom and then me after she passed away. He was a bad man who let people do bad things to me and terrible things to my brother. I was in foster care and my foster father got me drunk and took advantage of my state. I was 13 at the time and started to run away from my foster home after that.

I met my kids' father when I was 14 years old. I ran away with him, the cops did not find me this time b/c he knew how to evade them. The first time he hit me, we were across the country and I wasn't shocked or surprised. I just thought "Here we go again" and "These are the cards which I was dealt". All these people are the same, they might as well be the same person. I stayed with this guy for ten years and had two sons with him. The first time I left my kids were 5 and 1 and we sneaked out in the middle of the night since he was drunk. I was scared to death with no family, but went to a domestic violence shelter. I was so very scared that night. When I got into the car with the counselor, she described his behavior and some of the things that he said to me as if she knew him. I was shocked and confused that she knew these things.

It was in the shelter that I learned that just telling the kids that hitting is wrong is not going to teach them that it is in fact wrong. You see, they learn by watching the grown-ups' actions, not words. So if I tell them they shouldn't ever hit girls, but am getting the **** beat out of me by some man, then they will learn this behavior. Girls learn to get hit as a rule, and boys learn to hit. Sometimes males get abused, but this is much less common. So I learned that I should leave this monster, but with no family or support system, it seemed impossible. I tried to get help from social services, but since I had a waitressing job, they wouldn't help me. The way I saw it, there were two things in this world that belonged to me: my kids and my job. I wouldn't give either one up. The boys' father was trying to get custody of them, I was so scared and my lawyer that was appointed to me informed me that there was a chance that he could get them, so I went back to him with the agreement that he would give me full custody of the boys if I came back to him.

Of course, it wasn't long before all the lovely abuse started again. I wanted to run away again so badly, but didn't want to rip my baby out of school. I started to work on my GED and he laughed at me and said I would never do it. I did it! I planned on leaving as soon as the school year was over for my son. Guess what!?! He moved a girl in before the school year ended! I felt like such an a_s! Now, I had to take my boy out of school anyway, no place to go, their father said we could have stayed in his house, but only if his girlfriend stayed their too. I had way too much pride for that and knew that would be a negative message about marriage sent to my children. So I went to stay with his sister. To make a long story short, We've been on our own ever since.

I got remarried to my second husband for about 1 year. The abuse started again, very subtly this time, but there nonetheless. In order to end this marriage, I had to call the police. I've been pretty much alone since then. I dated a couple of times, but it seems like I only end up being either used or abused, never have I experienced a normal relationship or love as of yet.

Here is what I have to stress: even though I am unlucky in the dating department and can't find a normal significant other, nor do I know how to be normal in a relationship. The most important thing is that my boys are now 16 and 20. The oldest has a degree in Criminal Justice and working on his bachelor's degree. The little one is a junior in high school and will graduate in 09'. They are both gentlemen and are truly decent human beings. What more can I ask for? I know they wouldn't hit someone or be abusive. This is what we can hope for as parents. Once we become parents, our only objective should be to mold decent human beings, no matter our backgrounds, that's what we should hope for.

Whoever reads this...please keep in mind that things will get better...just hang in there! Be strong, do what's right for you and your kids...especially your kids. My motivation was the knowledge that my kids could either be really good people if you cross their paths and have a relationship with them, or they could be monsters. I tried really hard to teach them to not be monsters, that's very important. As far as me dating, what's the worst thing that can happen? If I'm single for the rest of my life, it's still better than than getting abused mentally and physically.

Since I've been on my own, I bought a house, still going to college, I'm not as far as I'd like to be in life, but I've got pretty far for a girl with immigrant parents from the projects who was treated like a peace of garbage. I have a hard time with my self-worth quite a bit. I don't have family, not many friends, and I have to constantly counsel myself to keep from falling into a deep depression due to loneliness, bills, money problems, and just fear of the future. But it's all worth it! I repeat...it's worth it! So hang in there!!!!

Vicki, what an incredible story! And inspiring!

In some ways, your story is like mine, in that I was in more than one abusive relationship. And I have a son of 16, who I brought up pretty much alone (the abuse from his father started when I was pregnant, he left when my son was 6 months).
My son is very well-balanced, and happy in life.

It's hard doing it alone, but it's 1000 x better than being in an abusive relationship!!

All the best to you!

I noticed that there weren't many men posting here. Just thought I would mention in case there are other men lurking here that domestic violence is not gender specific.

I was emotionally, spiritually, verbally and physically abused by my ex-wife. She came from a lifetime of abuse at the hands of her mother and then others as she carried her resulting personality disorder forward in life.

I believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Statistics about BPD

BPs comprise:

2% of the general population

10% of all mental health outpatients

20% of psychiatric inpatients

75% of those diagnosed are women

75% have been physically or sexually abused



It is a horrible disorder because often times the person looks completely normal... if not amazingly charismatic... to the outside world. She was a former TV news anchor and reporter. A former radio talkshow host and producer. She had charisma that would light up a room.

She was just a mess on the inside is all and able to keep it very well hidden.

In the end it took calling the police about 9 times throughout a years period of time to finally convince me to leave. I was isolated from friends and family. She ripped me apart with relentless and castrating criticism. And because of my weak self esteem at the time... I believed every horrible word she said about myself and just kept trying to make things better. Then the physical violence started.

I was punched twice in the face on my honeymoon. When we got back... a month later I was getting into the shower one morning and said something that literally made her go insane. She was screaming so loud that the veins were bulging in her neck and forehead. She was screaming so hard as she was talking that air being forced through her voicebox caused it to stopped working and became gutteral. She then did this haymaker-punch so hard to the side of my head that my ears rang. As I was staggering from that, she kicked me in the groin causing me to fall backwards into a wall and then on to the floor. I was butt-freaking-naked as this was going on. Next she walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen where I heard a drawer open and close.

I felt a fear like never before in my life and starting to think about how a naked guy trapped in a small bathroom could defend from a knife attack. Funny thing is that all that came to mind was kung fu movies and how they trap the attackers hand in a towel. My cousin laughed at me when I told him that and said that he would have ripped the towel bar off the wall and used that. Duh.

Thank god she came back without anything in her hands. When I asked her if she had gone to the knife drawer she said "Yes." And then just stared at me. I went... and then she said in a pissy tone... "Don't worry. It wasn't for you."

I was strangled by her will driving 60 mph down the freeway pinned up against the door window... fighting her off and trying to keep the car on the road. Held in rooms for 6 hours straight just tearing me apart emotionally with her refusing to let me out the door without creating a physical altercation that could land me in jail.

There were so many things... but the emotional abuse was the absolute worst.

Take a look at this site and protect yourself from people with BPD.

http:\\www.bpdcentral.com

And if you are a male who is being abused. Get to the police. Get to a safehouse. They are setup for women but men need to stop enabling their abusive women by just keeping quiet and taking it. You can't fix them. Stop trying.

Get any help you can and document everything. Take your children and get the h-e-l-l out.


DSM-IV Definition of BPD

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."

Following is a definition of splitting from the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me by Jerry Kreisman, M.D. From page 10:

The world of a BP, like that of a child, is split into heroes and villains. A child emotionally, the BP cannot tolerate human inconsistencies and ambiguities; he cannot reconcile anther is good and bad qualities into a constant coherent understanding of another person. At any particular moment, one is either Good or EVIL. There is no in-between; no gray area....people are idolized one day; totally devalued and dismissed the next.

Normal people are ambivalent and can experience two contradictory states atone time; BPs shift back and forth, entirely unaware of one feeling state while in the other.

When the idealized person finally disappoints (as we all do, sooner or later) the borderline must drastically restructure his one-dimensional conceptionalization. Either the idol is banished to the dungeon, or the borderline banishes himself in other to preserve the all-good image of the other person.

Splitting is intended to shield the BP from a barrage of contradictory feelings and images and from the anxiety of trying to reconcile those images. But splitting often achieves the opposite effect. The frays in the BP's personality become rips, and the sense of his own identity and the identity of others shifts even more dramatically and frequently.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, ***, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Dissociation is the state in which, on some level or another, one becomes somewhat removed from "reality," whether this be daydreaming, performing actions without being fully connected to their performance ("running on automatic"), or other, more disconnected actions. It is the opposite of "association" and involves the lack of association, usually of one's identity, with the rest of the world.

There is no "pure" BPD; it coexists with other illnesses. These are the most common. BPD may coexist with:

Post traumatic stress disorder

Mood disorders

Panic/anxiety disorders

Substance abuse (54% of BPs also have a problem with substance abuse)

Gender identity disorder

Attention deficit disorder

Eating disorders

Multiple personality disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Wow! I myself am now out of a relationship with a woman who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). I was with her for 18 months and I knew she had it for the last 12 months and thought I knew all the tricks but they just kept coming.

The last 6 months I stayed just for the kids, her 10 year old son and my 12 year old daughter had bonded and I basically did my best to keep them away from her disorder's repercussions. She is also an alcoholic, and another stat is that possibly 60 percent of all alcoholics have BPD and it explains the "dry drunk". Alcoholism covers up the disorder a lot being that the actions of a practicing alcoholic and those with BPD are similar.

In a nutshell a person with BPD is basically selfish. Everything revolves around them literally. They have triggers that can set off rages, in my ex's case it is her kids. Not caring or having responsibility for them but just having them there so she can never be alone is what she desires most. She calls herself "the perfect mom", but just the stress of having kids
sets her off. For all intents and purposes she has the emotional development of a 12 year old. Imagine a 12 year old being responsible for mortgage payments, having a job, and raising 4 kids. She manipulates and sabotages them subtly so they need to depend on her and being that the disorder is genetic they also have the same tendencies. I don't know her 15 yo daughter very well(lives with her dad in another state) but she is right on target to being just like her mother.

In my case it was a lot of argument starting on her part. Outlandish statements designed to anger someone then act like she never said a thing. She would get "fight or flight attacks"(one might say anxiety but the scale is 10 fold or better) where she would attack or run away from perceived threats and injure herself.
Ironically she would dissociate during these and her brain would fill in whatever it could to make sense of it all and it was usually that myself or her oldest son had attacked her. Usually she would call the cops to protect her. I tried calling them once but they wouldn't do anything because we weren't married. It cycled usually I was gone for 2 weeks but we still chatted then 6 weeks of "getting back to good" living together then wham "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!!!"

I did learn but so did she. I avoided the conflict and the last time she called the cops she was drunk as a skunk ranting at them insisting they remove me and there I was sober as a judge and the police asking me if I could keep her from calling them for no reason. Yeah sure officer(sarcasm). That day she continued to drink until she was so soused she crumpled to the ground outside the pizza joint up the street and when her 10 year old tried to help her up she punched him right in his privates. Later on she came back to the house with a female friend of hers and after I was done tucking the kids in
I came back to a bedroom with 2 naked woman in it and ended up being directed by my ex on having *** with her friend. "Treat my girl right" Normally this would have been enjoyable but being how the day already had been, getting the cops called on you 3 times, the private punching and so on, and did I mention her friend is a paranoid schizophrenic.

This is the world of extreme BPD.

I made a mistake in my leaving. I told her I would be finding a place to live by the end of the month. Big mistake. She wants her control and I had to be gone right then otherwise I may take all of my things with me. So she waited and when she hurt herself while I was at work she wore a long sleave shirt, faked an injury while out with friends so they would take her to the hospital and then 4 days latter swore to a judge that I had beaten her. Being what the courts are in that county I was guilty. Luckily I had already made arrangements and move most of my stuff that night. I was woken up the next morning by the sheriffs and got 15 minutes to get what I could out of what I had left. A week later I had my hearing and I volunteered to a "protective order with no finding of abuse" since I don't want to have anything to do with her anyway. For me it is ended but I have no idea what she will do next. She is already trying to bait me with Myspace status messages blaming me for all her woes and she may file charges. Luckily for me she also had a bad habit of taping arguments behind peoples backs. This was so she could play them back to whoever she was in the argument with that she was right and they were "evil" to her. I say luckily because I have some recordings of her rants and lovely phone messages where she is screaming about Bearnaise sauce and me being an idiot along with pictures of my injuries and her house etc. I have talked to my attorney and she says not to worry. One look at what I have by a DA and they would drop the case. I didn't use any of it at the hearing. My stuff still at the house I have written off, being that I would get 30 minutes to get it out and she gets to say what I can take of my stuff, even though I have receipts. I can go to court to try and get it but quite frankly it's not worth it. I have my sanity back and it is just things I can replace.

Ironically she is going to lose exactly what she tried to keep. I was the one that paid 80 percent of everything. First the utilities will get shut off then she will get foreclosed on. Her 2 youngest will probably go with their dad and the 2 oldest who knows(both are over 18 and freeload).
She is unemployable having worked a total of 3 months in over a decade. Her ex-husband made about 15 grand a month and she burned through the alimony. They were married for 18 years and I can't imagine what it must have been like for him. He is probably NOT the father of 3 of the children according to her sisters. He stayed and tried to make things work out for the kids sake but in the end couldn't take it anymore. I stayed because I grew to love her youngest son and he improved soooooo much while I was there but now who knows. I can't do a whole lot for him now. He has lost the closest thing he has had to a day to day dad since he was 4 and my daughter who loves him as if he were her natural brother. People with BPD tend to destroy or push away that which they need most and my ex certainly has.

It was like fate, she was able to get me back in there by manipulating first my love for her then my love for her son. Now she has no control at all. Without even realizing it by manipulating the courts to get me out her way she gave all the control to a judge. I figure she will start drinking by the 4th of July and then start calling and leaving messages trying to guilt me back. It wont work. I do feel sorry for her though. I wouldn't wish this disorder on my worst enemy (if I had one). For all the suffering I have gone through it will pass, in fact I look forward to a brighter future. She on the other hand can't get away from it no matter how far she runs.

Well that's my story of abuse. I pray for her 10 year old boy every day and miss him.(oh yeah, that was the most hurtful thing she did, she listed him on the temporary order and ironically he was in my care 80 percent of the time from the time she went to the hospital until she went to get the order) I'll hopefully see him Friday night when I take my daughter down to see the friends she used to play with every weekend. You see judges are not stupid, he took the boy's name off the final protective order. I doubt my ex even knows it, I didn't notice it until 2 days later. I tried to help the mother for her son's sake now all I can help is the son.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by AKnightInTheMaking:
I noticed that there weren't many men posting here. Just thought I would mention in case there are other men lurking here that domestic violence is not gender specific.

That is so true!!

You are a brave man for "coming out"!!!!


It is so sad that really basically we are still in a gender-defined society - even now in the C21st - that this is still a taboo subject.

I'm brand new to this site, and really haven't done anything like this before. I'm so moved by the stories I've read here that I just wanted to share a little of mine.
I was married for 15 years to an abusive man. Funny thing is that in the beginning I thought I had found the perfect man. He was kind and loving to me and my 3 yr. old daughter, wanted to be a dad, attended church regularly and so on. It wasn't long after the wedding that the abuse started. He was a rage filled man who would blow up at the slightest provocation. He screamed at me, complained about me and put me down all the time. He was also doing it to my daughter. By this time I was pregnant with our son, and beleived that because he wasn't hitting me, I wasn't being abused, and I had an obligation to remain in the marriage. I beleived that I really was the problem and if I could just be a better wife everything would be all right again. He began to convince me that my little daughter was not disciplined properly, that she was spoiled and it was her fault that he lost his temper with her. One day he picked her up and threw her against our bed. I ran into he room to get her and ran out the door and put her into the car. I returned to the house for my then 10 month old son, and my ex was holding a shotgun, threatening to kill us all if I didn't bring my daughter back in the house and stay with him. Everytime I reached for my son he would point the gun at him. I ended up doing as he said, and somehow in a short time he had convinced me that this was not a big deal and he really was a great guy, that I had just pushed him too far this time. Looking back I see how crazy it looks, but in the moment he was the most charming and convincing person.
I went on to have 3 more sons with this man. We were active in our church, everyone loved him. My family thought he was a godsend to my daughter and me. And he really seemed to be wonderful much of the time. But it was never very long til we (the kids and I only) would see the ugly side of him.
It got so bad I began to reach out for help from my church. A pastor I told about the abuse said I needed to be a better wife, do what he wanted me to do and pray for him more.
It took 15 years of this for me to finally get the strength to leave him. I didn't love him anymore, I feared him. I wanted to get away from him but I couldn't without risking my life and my childrens'. He had threatened me with this any time I mentioned separating. When I finally decided to do it, there was no going back. Before asking him to leave, I had a locksmith lined up to come change the locks immediately after he left. I had notified local police of the situation and told friends and family. I can't believe I was able to convince him to leave. I told him I just wanted time for us to get individual counselling, and then we could do couples counselling and work toward him moving back in.
When I talked with my kids about my intention to divorce him, my two oldest who were 18 and 14 told me of very serious abuse he perpetrated on them when I wasn't home. I have so much guilt and self loathing that I deal with over the harm that was done to my kids. My three oldest still deal with psycological issues like PTSD and depression. My two youngest sons were 3 and 5 at the time of the separation, and were spared the anquish of growing up in an abusive household. They are 15 and 17 now and doing so well. We ended up walking away from our home and everything we owned to protect ourselves from him. He wasn't allowed to see any of us for the first two and a half years. Eventually he got visitation rights, but the older children didn't want to have much of a relationship with him and as the youngest two have grown they have decided not to spend time with him. His abusive, manipulative behavior never changed.
It's been a long hard road. I know I did the right thing in the end, but the psycological and emotional damage to my kids and to me has been severe. Though years have passed and we've had much therapy we all still struggle. I hope to find people on this site that can talk to me about dealing with their adult children of abuse. My two older boys, 23 and 26 are having so much trouble.
Well if you're still reading this, God bless you. I didn't mean to write a book. My name is Kate and I'm looking forward to getting to know you. I'm open to advice and guidance.