Hi, I'm new to the site. I'm a divorced, single mom of an incredible girl. My X is a drug user, and not the most stable guy on the planet. I have a very bad past with him before and after my daughter was born, we seperated when she 11 months old. He was given every other weekend with her, and it's always the absolute worst time of the month when she has to go. Sometimes he's doing ok "on a kick to be a good dad". Other times, unfortunately most of the times, he doesn't show, lies about what happened, where he's been etc.. He's broken her heart so many times I can't stand it anymore. She's eight years old now and is starting to understand alot more. I have very good reason to believe he is using drugs again, after living with a drug addict you know the signs. I don't have a lawyer in the picture anymore, and I don't have the funds to get one. There have been a couple of instances where she was actually in danger, he had her on a NY train and fell asleep!Also, walked out of a McDonalds to have a cigarette and didn't let her know, she was screaming frantically for him and he thought this was funny!!! Would anyone know if there is a way to have a parent drug tested so you can prove reason to change the existing court order? I would like to try and have supervised visitations for my daughter and her father so I don't have to worry about her every minute she is with him. I know you don't know me, but I would never intentionally hurt him, matter of fact I've given him the benefit of the doubt one too many times. I don't relax when she's gone, I'm never at ease. I just need to know she's SAFE, any one have information for me? Thank you!

Hi. I had a very similiar situation. My kids were kidnapped by their father. There are things u can do but some of them take time. I did them and in the end it will be worth it.

I would think reporting him to CPS might be a good first step to getting things started without having to pay lawyers a bundle.

You need to document each time something happens. You could apply to have his visitation revoked or supervised based on your evidence. He will then have to prove that your allegations are incorrect and one of the ways is through a drug test.Good luck with that and make sure that you keep a record of everything.

Becareful using the McDonalds situation. The McDonalds I bring my children to is actually pretty secure in that the children can't leave the play area unless helped by someone at least 6 because the doors as set up that it is very hard. Also it is encased in glass walls in the winter to preserve the heat and bars in the summer (glass covers the bars, a neat setup they have) so that if a parent needs to go smoke or buy the food, they can see everything in the play area at the same time. You need pictures of the McDonalds and the spot where he was smoking showing that he wasn't able to watch your daughter at the same time or it could backfire on you which would hinder your case (Making you look like a nit picker).

As for the drugs, that shouldn't be hard to do. Really you can trap him in court by asking him on the stand in a way that you are not testifying (What if I told you that someone is gonig to testify that they witnessed the drugs in your house? Here you are saying IF so you are not saying someone is going to, but you are suggesting it as a possibility where he could answer in a way that would incriminate him like he says, "It is not possible!" "Why, because you hide the drugs? Where did you hide them?" You would have to twist his words and go fast in a way to trap him into admitting something he wants to hide. It is a trick used by some good lawyers who know someone is lying and want to get them to testify on themselves).

As for him not showing up for visitations, do document it along with everything else. When you do document things, make sure you have the whole story and can prove every detail like in the McDonalds case where he could state he was in view of her at all times even though she didn't know it. Was he wrong, of course, but the judge won't deny visitation on one situation that isn't considered a danger to your life (If he says he was watching her). Ovbiously if he wasn't in view of her, he abandoned her and that is a case of neglect (Which I have experience dealing with in my case).

As for the drug addict part of your case, if he was convicted of an offense involving drugs that the case should be a cinch, so I am guessing he doesn't have a conviction yet. In that case your best bet is bide your time, enjoy the days he doesn't show up to spend time with your daughter and when he does, don't really talk to him making him feel cold about the exchanges. Eventually he might give up all together and in the end that might be best for your daughter (I learned the hard way that no matter how much we love are signifigant other / spouse, that their presence might be worse then their role in a child's life. That is why I recommend parenting courses and a psycological analysis done on my wife and if they fail, I will try and have her parental rights terminated for the safety of the child. Almost impossible to do but still the possibility exists. Just remember that is takes a lot of time (Really hard to be patient, I know) and try to grin a bear it. You have primary custody so you are in the driver's seat in court currently.

I've heard that before, I really need to document everything. Thank you all for your advice. I'm going to start getting better at that. I have done it but not on a consistant basis. How much documentation do I need, or how many incidents , before I can try and prove something. Should I be looking into a lawyer now? And if so , would anyone know if there are lawyers out there that help single parents with payment? Kind of having it a little tough right now. Glenn, the parenting courses you mentioned,
Is that something I can request? Also, I hate to sound stupid, I've kind of been getting through these years with him with blinders on, but what/who is CPS? I'm sorry, one more question if someone knows, can abandonment charges be brought on someone for NOT picking the child up on scheduled days? I really appreciate all of your help!

Rose

Cps is child protection services. There are nationwide hotlines you can cal to report child abuse/neglect. I would take it to family court if I were you. Go to you local government website and look around for programs that can help with laywers.Don't wait for a lawyer, if you believe your daughter may not be safe with him DO NOT LET HER BE UNDER HIS SUPERVISION.

http://www.njsba.com/probono/
Did at little research on your behalf and found a probono program in your state. It is run by the bar association which is a lawyer organization. Hope it is helpful!!

I truly appreciate your help , thank you! I checked out the website and put in an inquiry, I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, I called up the Family Division in my county, and wow they don't want to help for anything! I'm just trying to find out what to do and they make you feel like an idiot. This is my first time really trying to take action, it is so overdue. The stories I gave you above are really nothing compared to everything he has done. Just from asking everyone on the site info, I've actually been able to at least feel like I'm trying to do something about it. Thank You.................

If you want some advice on documenting, what I do is I have a word file on my desktop I named diary of children. What I do is I create a paragraph for each date I put an entry in for. I descibe each event in detail even if it is not important, because later it may which has been the case with me a few times.

Using the computer makes it faster and less painful then writing it in a book or loose leaf. It is harder to lose and easier to manage. That is my suggestion for you.

Going to see a lawyer tomorrow, I feel like things are finally starting to go somewhere. I'm keeping my fingers crossed since I didn't have much documented before , but you have to start somewhere ,right? Thank you all.

Let us know how you make out!

Hi Everyone, and once again I just need to express my thanks. I'm feeling better already, just moving on things. I guess I've been afraid all of these years that my X's "wrath" may be worse than trying to do something.I can't believe I've waited so long. I have a lawyer, he seems really good. We're working out all of the details now but he seems to think we have a really good case to get random drug testing and limited or supervised visitations. Her safety is my #1 concern, so that's what we're going with. But we are going to bring up all of the other factors in our original judgement of divorce that he hasn't been abiding to. Unfortunately, I didn't get a "pro bono" lawyer, I went with a referral from a relative.