I wasn't sure where to put this... so I picked this forum, I hope that's alright.

I am in a situation where I am 15 weeks pregnant and I have chosen not to let the father know. I know some of you are thinking that I am a horrible person for doing so, but I need advice.

I currently have not been to the doctor and I'm trying to get on medicaid but I know that they will have to know the fathers name or whereabouts, the problem is I am scared of him. He has 3 other kids of his own that his ex wife took away from him because he is more or less psychotic and I need to know how to get out of telling them who the father is so that he will not be contacted. I don't want his money, and I really do not want him in the babies life. I believe that it would be too risky to let him know and then try to take his child away like his ex wife did. He had stated before that he had been wanting to kill her for doing so and I fear the same if he were to find out that he has another child that is about to be in this world.

I've had alot of people judge me on this subject, and I need to know other people's opinions.

If something happens and I have no choice but to tell them, is there a sure way that he will never see my child if he finds out? I would rather my child have one stable parent then a mother that is stable and a father who is unstable and psycho, possibly abusive, and morally wrong in every way.

You will have to give them the information on the father. The only way you can keep him out of your childs life is if you have proof of the "psychoticness", "abusiveness", or anything else that may be used as a means to get a restraining order. That is only a piece of paper though, and it can and has been walked through. You need to do what is best for your child, and you should protect them at all costs.

The thing that always gets me about situations like this, is that you have stated that the father is unstable and psycho, possibly abusive, and morally wrong in every way, yet you were with him and conceived a child with him. I am not judging you by any means, but that shows a lack of judgment on your part as well.

You have to understand that while this man may not be the ideal "father" to your child, the child is still his. In order to keep him from ever seeing your child or being in his life, there would have to be severe circumstances preventing his involvement. If you have any specific "reasons" that you can pinpoint as to why this man should not be involved, you need to emphasize those specifically. To get more specific suggestions, you will have to be more specific with the issues as to why he is a bad person. A judge will not accept any of the reasons you have given without specific proof of your allegations.

-J

Well, as for being with him.. He was sweet but.. I don't know, I'm young, I don't have that many relationships and we had *** within the first 3 days of really hanging out. I agree that it was a bad judgement and I take full responsibility but I also have to be responsible for what is best for this child that I am bringing into this world.

As I believe I stated, he had told me that he was thinking about hiring someone to kill his wife (After we had this involvement) and I had no idea I was pregnant at the time, I moved out of state before I found out that I was pregnant and now that i am going back to Texas so that family can help out and be supportive like they want to I will be close to him and I have a fear that if he was to find out by any means he would hunt me down and possible do something harmful to my mother or myself.

His wife took his rights for a reason, though he wouldn't discuss that with me so I don't know the whole story, but I do know that He is more than capable of harming either one of us.

How am I suppose to prove the things that he has said to me?

When I say abusive, I mean that he's beaten up alot of people and had made it clear to me that if a woman were to ever do anything to him he would not hesitate to hurt them physically for what they have done. I hit him once playfully and he took me by the arms and told me never to hit him again. How am I suppose to prove that? I can't take the chance for it to be "he said, she said" If the courts think that nothing is possibly wrong and my child get hurts that will be on me for letting him find out in the first place would it not?

I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.. I'm a little confused about all of this myself. I'm 21, this is my first child, I never had a dad around, and I know nothing about rights concerning these type of things. But I do know that the judicial system doesn't always work as it should, or they don't always see things as they possible could turn out to be.

First and foremost, when you talk to your case worker, you will HAVE to make them aware of all this. That is your first step. You might also try to find some form of domestic abuse center such as the HOPE agency. Based on the information you can provide them they may or may not be able to help you apply for a "restraining order". Again, the problem with those is that they are only paper, but it is obvious that you are concerned for your safety when it comes to this man.

The problem lies in the fact that the assistance that you are seeking needs to be paid for somehow, and normally that is why they go after the father, and unfortunately I don't think anything you tell them will keep them from trying to get their money back.

You might also want to start looking into public records. If this man's wife won custody of his children, they had to have gone to court. There will be a public record of that somewhere. Look into that and see what you can dig up. Also look into public records to see if there are any legal convictions that he may have that will assist you. You are going to have to do a lot of leg work on this one. Basically, anything that you can find on this man that will give reason to him not being around the child...

I know that in Illinois, I had a hard time with my sons mother. I was very worried about her new BF and his criminal history and was very concerned for his safety, and it was explained to me that until there was any physical damage done to my son, there was nothing I could do. I had to let my son go with his mother and her new BF, until I got a judge to declare that her BF was not to be around my son due to his criminal background.

I wish you the best in this, and trust me, it is not fun. It is a long and scary process, but you WILL make it through. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, stress to EVERYONE you talk to regarding this child your fears of this man being involved in your child's life. The "hiring someone to kill his wife" is a BIGGIE....Do what you have to do, but most importantly, stay safe. You will be in my prayers.

-J

Thank you for your information. Hopefully things will work out. I think that if there is no way around it I may just have to go without aid and find a way to pay for things myself. It's hard when people won't hire you because you are pregnant and you have to live off of your mother's money, in which she is a single parent and only makes 15k a yr, if that.

Do you know if they would let me pay medicaid back later on?

When you tell your case wiorker, they will have you fill out paperworkm however when you state this info to them, they will give you another paper to denie them going after thwe father for the welfare of children, but you have to have evidence. Court documemts are public. Go to the court house and find out what u need to from, his ex. You may beable to use it. Good luck

If custodial parents believe that they or their children may be physically or emotionally harmed if OCS pursues child support, they may request a waiver of cooperation from a Department of Prevention, Assistance, Transition and Health Access (PATH) caseworker. If PATH grants them a waiver, they will still receive assistance even without cooperating with OCS. Examples of cooperation are providing information about a non-custodial parent so that OCS can pursue child support and appearing in court.

Custodial parents may request a waiver at any time. PATH will review their request and notify them in writing of its decision. Before beginning any legal action to pursue support, OCS will send them a letter reminding them of their right to request a waiver. If they ask for a waiver, OCS will not pursue support while their request is being reviewed.