My ex's court date is coming up on Dec. 8. Since he took the "anger management" classes and completed them successully, (yet he has still got the angery nasty attitude against me as always) his charges will be dropped. This means that so does the protective order that I've had against him all this time is also null and void. I called the victims advocate, and told her that he said to me that when all this is done, he is not afraid to go off on me again, I am not feeling so safe. She told me to get a civil restraint order against him. She said to document his words, (which I have been doing) and tell them I had talked to her, and that I still dont feel safe. I am going to do that. The next step, since he is the one who wanted legal joint custody, yet things did not turn out the way he wanted it, and he goes against that order all the time, I could take him to court for contempt. But, I dont want to do that. I've said before, he LIKES court. He would do something to get even with me, and us going back and forth to court is not in the best interest of our daughter. So, my plan is to ask for a mediation session. I know he is going to sit there sour puss face on, and be angry and not be cooperative. I figure at least this will look good for me, because it shows that I am trying. I am pretty positive that he is going to take me to court when his case is done, either way. Maybe to try to get full custody? So, I think that doing this is going to make me look good. Not that that is the point of this. I am very irritated that he doesnt follow the rules, but I let him get away with it, because I dont want her life to be hectic. I guess I am counting on him making a fool of himself, as he always has, in court. Its sad that I have to think of ways to do this, but its a reality. I've read posts here, where lots of people say that the court really isnt fair, and naive me, was thinking that maybe they are. It makes me even more scared and nervous. I cant be in the same room with him without shaking, (but still holding my ground.Have never had to deal with someone so angry, evil, and so controlling, in my life before.)but I think I just have to face my fear. He is the one who hates me, and cant let go of his anger. I do not especially like him, but there are things I am willing to not let bother me, because I am mature enough to do so. What are your thoughts. I value them, do you think this is the right way to go. I know its a good plan, I guess what I'm asking for is reinforcement from all of you who may have been through something like this.

You must know my ex. Cuz you were just talking about him. I swear, they are the same man. The courts aren't fair, especially when it comes to things like manipulative guys. They don't take into account that you just have to SAY you've changed, you don't actually have to change. My ex also went thru the "anger management" course and is still quite bitter and angry with me. For con artists and manipulators, its easy to lie. They can even pass a lie detector because they lie so much, they don't get a reaction from it. The mediation services offered at the court is a good route. You can put him thru the legal grinder without facing a judge. The mediator will defiantely make sure the orders are being followed. They can order a hearing to change the order too, if they see it is in the best interest of the children. Don't fear the court system. Its not perfect, but if you tell the truth, you are not likely to go wrong. and DOCUMENT, but you already know that.

You're gonna do fine. First, with his record with anger management it's not likely you will lose custody. Express your fears openly in mediation and ignore his reactions. Be as honest there as you are here.
No the courts are not always fair but it's all we got right now. Your efforts will work for you and his lack of co-operation will work against him.
You must document everything. You know that.
Your fear of the courts is not needed. You must remember that we mostly speak of family law which is separate and different from criminal law. Family law is more flexible and that is why there are more errors and manipulations. Criminal law is far more strict.
You must be strong and firm and resolute. Don't show your fear to him. I know it's hard but that is what feeds his ego. When my ex gets ugly with me, I get uglier with her. If I don't then she will take it even farther.
Good luck and we're watching for you. Let us know how it goes.

Well, I went to the family court, and filled out the paperwork for a temp. restraining order. Wow, my fingers are hurting. I even went back to when I lived with him, and he had been violent with me then. I had to write all of this down, and then I have to have a hearing to get the judges approval. He (ex) will be notified of the hearing. I wonder what he could possibly say in his defense. One of the good things I've done, even with the protective order, is when they ask me if I want it extended to my daughter, I always say no. His anger is against me, not her. The first time, the mediator praised me up and down for that. On the way home, I'm thinking, "Cant he see that I dont want to prevent him from seeing his daughter, I just want to work together with him to do whats right for her." It seems so simple to me, and my actions just prove it every time. Then I felt a little bit better about what I'm doing. It really is for her best interest. Your right, I dont have to be scared. If I was being nasty and vindictive, then I might feel that I should be scared.
Seraphin, my favorite saying about my ex when "turd" (ha ha) comes out his mouth is that talk is cheap. Sad that your ex sounds like mine, but glad that I am not the only one who has had to go through that attitude. Thanks for your replies. It really helps!!

quote:

Originally posted by the sane one:
[qb] Well, I went to the family court, and filled out the paperwork for a temp. restraining order. Wow, my fingers are hurting. I even went back to when I lived with him, and he had been violent with me then. I had to write all of this down, and then I have to have a hearing to get the judges approval. He (ex) will be notified of the hearing. I wonder what he could possibly say in his defense. One of the good things I've done, even with the protective order, is when they ask me if I want it extended to my daughter, I always say no. His anger is against me, not her. The first time, the mediator praised me up and down for that. On the way home, I'm thinking, "Cant he see that I dont want to prevent him from seeing his daughter, I just want to work together with him to do whats right for her." It seems so simple to me, and my actions just prove it every time. Then I felt a little bit better about what I'm doing. It really is for her best interest. Your right, I dont have to be scared. If I was being nasty and vindictive, then I might feel that I should be scared.
Seraphin, my favorite saying about my ex when "turd" (ha ha) comes out his mouth is that talk is cheap. Sad that your ex sounds like mine, but glad that I am not the only one who has had to go through that attitude. Thanks for your replies. It really helps!! [/qb]

I applaud you...You've eptiomized quite a few of us on here. Stay strong...

Well, I have an update. As I stated above, I had filled out the paperwork, but couldnt stay for the judge to sign it. (I had spent so much time writing)I had to go get my daughter from daycare. So next week is his court date so that his charges will be dropped and the protective order is no longer. My daughter went to day care this morning, and I went to the court to have it approved. On the way in the court, I had a little bit of breathing heavy, and said to myself, "Are you going to let your fear stop you? Do you not want to do this, and then see if he really does follow through on his threat, and wish you had done it." That was it. I was so calm. The judge approved it, and now all I have to do is give it to the marshall who will serve it to him. Wonder what kind of turd is going to fly from this? Really? Dont care. I am tired of his crap, and if this is how he wants to have things go, then I'm not going to be miss nice girl anymore. I have to protect myself, and thats the end of that. I am ready for whatever "revenge" he tries to bring on. On the way home, I thought of every, and any thing he could say, and thought of an answer to it. I know there could be something I missed, and yada yada, but I dont care. I was weak when I was with him, so he does not know the strong me, but he will

Good for you, stay strong and be happy.

Hi sane one,
I think it is great to see people with the amount of integrity that you show here. It is a rare quality in people these days. My best wishes for your peace, go out to you. Keep up your good efforts and hang in there. Take care.

Well done sane one! You'll be fine.

Good for you, sane one! It is good that the judge signed it and it is done. There really isn't much he can say since the judge signed it and it is done. I think it is great that you didn't let your fear hold you back! You'll sleep better at night!

I truly thank you. Your responses made me smile. I dont know if I could have done it alone, I mean without coming to this site and seeing whats been done before me. Love you all.
BTW Jaysdad, I was re-reading your post, and I've been practicing in my head what I might say if/when turd hits the fan. I agree, I am just going to stay calm, and stick to the facts. Easier said than done? We'll see. I'll think of all of you if I have to.

Ok. I'd feel really guilty if I didnt tell you all this. I went to the court to speak with the marshall about serving the papers. There was one snaffu on the paperwork. It said no contact with me whatsoever. That just isnt going to work. I have to drop my daughter off with him, and thats just a quick 2 minute deal. I TOLD them I just wanted him to stay away from my place, so I dont even know how that got on there. The marshall said, it aint going to work that way. No contact means no contact. Since the ex. and I are "supposedly" co-parenting that would put a damper on that. This whole thing should not affect my daughter. It really bothered me. If he did serve them, I know my ex. and he would not take my daughter. Plus, the ramifications of it, which I dont know what they would be, but there would be. So, I decided I am not going to pursue it right now. For the most part, things have been pretty quiet lately, and maybe I shouldnt stir things up. I have another idea I thought of last night. I can be downright, hmmm, I dont know what the best word is to describe it. Condescending? When I speak to her dad. I communicate to him with notes. What if I start just writing in something funny she said or did that day, with a little "ha ha" after it? If you only get what you give, and I give this little bit, maybe it could help lighten up our situation? My goal is for us to come to some sort of peace treaty between us. Oh, I have to add this then...He and his g/f took my daughter to a fantasy of lights show, where they got this angel to hang on the tree. From what she tells me, she said "Oh we can hang it on Mommys tree." G/f says, "Actually, I think it would look better on daddys tree." I was planning to take her to his display myself, and told her it was ok, we'd get our own. Well, we went, and we didnt get one. My daughter must have told him this, because I was taking out the things from her bag from when she stayed with him, and there was this little box with an ornament in it. I asked her what it was, and she told me it was the angel, and that daddy said she and I could have it to put on our tree. I was floored, and in my next note to him, I told him that. I also thanked him, and said we really appreciated it. I think that was the nicest thing he's done for us in a long time, and maybe thats his attempt at a little peace between us. Maybe I am the biggest fool there is! His gesture made me feel so guilty for what I was about to do, and thats why I decided that maybe I need to change how I say things to him, and that MAYBE it could be like a chain reaction. I am just going to do what I said above, and see what happens. I feel better about this already, and I said to him (really outloud to myself)"Dont make me regret not filing this restraint against you." What it comes down to is it is better for my daughter if she see's me be the stronger person, and make attempts at peace. Especially at this time of year.