I am a single mother to 2 boys, ages 5 and 3. Their father and I get along well and I started dating a new man and I'm pregnant with his child, due in October, the situation deteriorated rapidly and we split up about a month after finding out I was pregnant. He has been very rude to me, he wants to keep the child and I'd like to keep him, and we're having problems with coming to specific agreements in regards to who will have him what portion of the time, etc. What I was wondering, since I am a single mother, will I automatically be given custody when he is born? He says my decision to breastfeed is purely personal (what a load of ****). He wants to have him at least 3 days/3 nights a week, minimum, how does he expect me to pump that much milk, what about nipple confusion, etc? Also he lives in a 20x20 room with a shared bathroom and admitted he has seen cockroaches there (YUCK!). He doesn't want me to breastfeed he says the only reason I'm choosing to breastfeed is to take him away from him (yeah right)! Breast is best, I breastfed both my boys and I want to breastfeed this baby. I don't want to force the father out of his life however, I'd be ok with visitation but he has been very unreasonable. He has said that he won't accept less than 3 days/3 nights or we'll be fighting/court over it. I'm very stressed out and I don't know what my rights are or who to turn to. I'm in Washington state. I also am not in a good situation financially so I can't afford a lawyer, I really wish I could!

Since our "relationship" is so heated, I really don't want him there for the labor/birth, am I required to have him there? I will inform him of his son's birth of course, and he can visit him briefly afterwards, but I am extremely uncomfortable with having him there for the labor/birth.

If he fights this should I have any trouble being legally declared the primary caretaker and his visitations be restricted?

How would I go about getting low or no cost legal assistance with this? When should I start? Are there any good websites or information that might assist me?

He is being completely unreasonable and I fear trying to talk sense into him will be impossible.

Thank you for your help

Since you aren't married, yes you automatically have full custody at birth. He will need to file for visitation which is separate from child support that you can file for. You don't have to have him in the delivery room, but maybe just maybe things can be different by then so he can watch his child born....if not, so sad too bad...you don't have to allow him there and shouldn't if it's going to cause drama.

Thank you for the quick replies, I'm glad to know that I will have full custody to begin with, I know he will fight me tooth and nail to get him 3 days a week, I won't keep him from seeing his son after he is born but I am the primary caretaker and with him being breastfeed 3 days/nights a week is completely unreasonable. I can't believe he expects me to just give up breastfeeding and give over my son 3 days a week just because that's what he wants. That's not in the best interest of the child, I've raised 2 healthy boys and he has no children and no experience and lives in a not so great environment. I'm just afraid of this being a long drawn out process, but it probably will be. I don't want to take him away from his dad but I'm not going to let him keep me from breastfeeding him and being the primary caretaker, with his involvement in the form of visits a couple-few times a week maybe. I think that's completely fair, but he thinks I'm a demon spawn from ****.

First off, welcome to SFV....

In my experience, which is in IL, since you are not married, the "father" has no rights UNTIL he is "proven" to be the father. This can happen in a couple of ways. They can do a DNA test, which is costly, or you can sign a "voluntary acknowledgeable of paternity", which is you voluntarily stating that he is the father. IF you do not declare him the father, he will not be listed on the birth certificate and will have no rights. In order for him to be listed on the birth certificate you will have to declare him the father and sign a "voluntary acknowledgeable of paternity", which would give him rights to custody/visitation.

Keep in mind that if you are planning on file for child support, they will have to find out who the father is. This is easily accomplished with the "voluntary acknowledgeable of paternity", or they will do a DNA test etc etc...Just throwing that out as something to consider.

As far as being in the delivery room, that is 100% YOUR call and your call alone. They will tell you throughout your birthing classes that you want your delivery room to be as peaceful and stress free as it possibly can be, so if having him there would be too stressful, I wouldn't allow him to be there...

I don't think that ANY judge in their right mind would take a newborn child and make them flip flop between houses. Maybe eventually, but I can't foresee ANYONE thinking that would be in the child's best interest. The first few weeks of birth, your not even supposed to take the baby out in public, so as for changing their living environment...I just don't see that happening.

I am sure that I have left something out, but it's late and my brain is only partially functioning...if I think of anymore, I will be back...

Thank you again for the replies, I think I will require him to do a DNA test, just to be 100% sure, so there's no doubt, even though I'm pretty much 100% sure he's the father I don't think it hurts to have the proof. Do I need to petition for him to get it done, I'm not sure how to go about that, is that something he needs to file/do??

I'm VERY glad that he doesn't have to be there for the labor/birth, as it's hard enough to go through that process as it is. I had a difficult labor with both the boys, though the delivery was the fast part (luckily!!) I will let him know after he's born and he can come see him. He can also come visit on his days off at my place and see him, I think this is totally fair but of course he thinks it's completely and utterly unreasonable.

I'm glad that I'm not alone in the consensus that the child needs to be in a stable and consistent environment at first, and I'll be providing that for him. I am very comfortable taking care of an infant and look forward to the day I can meet him. I don't have any intention of trying to keep him away from his dad, but I want there to be a balance, and an infant needs constant consistent closeness with the mother.

It's so hard to hear his harsh words and I hate that this will be a struggle because I just want what's best for this baby growing inside me and I know that I can provide that, at least initially. I'm sad that he doesn't agree, I'm sad that he doesn't see that I'm actually being reasonable here, it's not like I'm saying no you can't see him at all, heck he can come by 3 days a week to visit him if he wants (he works 4 days a week) I am ok with that, and I'd be ok with overnights when he's older.

What upset me is that he said since I can't pump enough to accommodate the schedule HE wants I shouldn't breastfeed. He is saying lots of hurtful things and no matter how I try to justify everything he keeps saying/thinking I'm a horrible horrible person who just wants to hurt him.

Sorry I'll get off my soap box now!! LOL Thank you for the feedback, I'm glad to know that even though it will be a battle, things will come out in the end (I hope!)

Just some info. for you....I used to live in Washington and my best friend has 4 kids and has had to deal with being a single parent tbe entire time. Based on my knowledge that I have acquired through her experience, Washington is a "mother state" which means, it would have to come to **** and high water in order for a child to be taken away from it's mother.

Also, yes it's true that you IMMEDIATELY have sole custody of the child. Another suggestion, I wouldn't volunteer for the paternity test because I believe you would be responsible for the cost. You should wait for him to demand it, that way it's out of his pocket. Don't put his name on the birth certificate right away either = ) I hate to sound sneaky but if he is being such a jerk, I wouldn't put his name on there until you have proof that he is the father.

Don't worry, things will turn out fine. And I'm sure the courts take into consideration as to when an appropriate time it will be to start visitation also...

I had another question, what have others done in regards to naming the child? Should I give him the father's last name or mine.. is there any law to govern which I give?

There is no law stating you have to give the unmarried father his last name....your choice.

I know that here in Arkansas giving a child the last name of the father is the same as saying he is the father...therefore intitled to visitation. If you are wanting to have him take a paternity test it is best (at least here in AR) if you do not give the baby his last name. Good luck!

Thank you again for the replies, you guys are the best! I wish there wasn't so much that was uncertain, when I had my 2 boys before their father and I were together so there weren't any of these issues, it was a completely different situation. Sadly we split up when my youngest was 2.

I didn't realize that states have various laws when it comes to last names of the child. I am choosing to give my daughter my last name for personal reasons.

Yep. Here if you give a child a last name other than yours you have to disclose the father and list him on the birth certificate. At least that is what they made my cousin do when she had her son.

To give the baby the last name yes you list the father. But it's still all contestable in court, just naming names on the birth certificate for unmarried couples doesn't necessarily make it legally binding. Paternity still needs to be established later, whether it's simply signing a paper of paternity agreement or DNA testing.

What about the opposite? What if I legally have the father on the birth certificate but I give my daughter my last name? Can that be contested?

The last name, or the paternity? Paternity is contestable....the last name isn't.