Hi...I'm new here and desperate for some advice.

I had been married since 1991. I asked my ex to leave in 2001. Our relationship was very good up until the birth of my son in 1993/December. He was born with down syndrome and health issues. He's doing very well now though. My ex and I went through a lot and after I gave birth I slipped into a depression. I was mis diagnosed and aggressively treated for something I didn't have, which only made things much worse. I struggled for 2years to get back on my feet. I had given my mother my son at age 1 and got him back at age 3. I tried to "make things better", but soon realized the problems were just beginning. My ex became unstable and cruel to me. He had become mentally and at times physically abusive. Things came to a head and it turned out he had an affair. He had said he wanted to truly work things out. He and I struggled in therapy for several years. Things got better, but still weren't quite right. He would have outbursts putting my life in danger along with my son at times.

I was very islolated from family and friends due to the previous years and the way I had allowed things to become. I also felt reasponsible thinking he was having a hard time because of me giving up my son for 2years and being so sick. I guess thats how I explain tolerating it for so long.

In september of 2000 he all of a sudden became withdrawn. I came to realize he was suicidal and even had some homicidal ideas. I was completely lost.

It turned out in the following weeks that he was basically a jeckyl and hyde. Had a whole other life he was trying all these years to keep under control. He thought by marrying the "perfect girl" all his problems could be managed. He just didn't factor in "real life".

Anyways, it turned out he was a *** addict and all this "stuff" came out, which I don't need to get into, but it basically null and voided the past 13years of my life with this man. It took weeks ...no probably months for me to realize the impact of this.

In February of 2001 I asked him to leave. I was getting very angry sometime in June. I couldn't be with this man in any way. He didn't see it coming because all that time he went into intensive therapy, group support and medicines. He turned his life around, but somehow I couldn't get past all of it with him.

Deep down I'm afraid of him, but I resent him big time. I loved him truly and it was as if a switch went off and all the dust settled in that summer for me.

I wanted a divorce, but the biggest problem I had in making that decision was my son. I was the "mother and father" to him. My ex loved him, but was more like a buddy. He had anger issues and outbursts all prior that I protected him from. If I divorced I wouldn't know what was going on and would have to trust that my son would be okay in the "off" times of my ex.

I hired an lawyer who knew of the situation. I also have health issues that don't allow for me to work. He made all these promises etc. and basically long story short on that I had to hire a new lawyer. He took on the case. I explained to him I have a money issue. He said it would cost 3500.00 to retain him and if things went well (no fighting in court) couldn't see it going over 5,000. It is now 2003. I go before a panel to see if we can settle amicably (sorry spelling) and we can.

This was in july. My lawyer sends me a bill of almost 9,000.00. I wrote him a letter complaining that it didn't make sense to me. Well I'm still waiting and haven't had things settle.

The problem that I'm having now is ...is for the first 2years my ex did not want this divorce and he was unstable. He now in 2003 has a girlfriend who has a son that my son likes a lot. So i have a discussion trying to build a bridge for my son's sake. I tell my ex I'm happy for him and wish him a lot of luck in his next relationship. He was taken back by it. He then after going for our settlement freaks on me about the money i'm getting and I should get a job and really goes at me. He has this conveniant coping mechanism to forget all that he has done. He tries to call and apologize and I just go through a rundown of all the stuff he has done. It's funny because he admits to these atrocious things he has done and then says "you're right" and becomes his "old self" again.

Problem is over this period of time my son told me of a time he was hit by him. I told him not to ever touch my son again. His answer "ok". Then he about a week ago demands my son's birth certificate because he wants to change a savings account for him. From my understanding he's not allowed to do that. I don't trust him with my son's money besides the fact that all the money came from my family for my son. I understood my lawyer to tell me that the money is supposed to stay the way it is in my son's name and all of our's. No one is to have more control over it.

He scared me and I can't seem to get a hold of my lawyer. I wrote letters explaining these problems and he has yet to get back to me.

This past weekend was the first weekend ever that I could not get my ex on the phone to talk to my son. (usually he is calling me) The thing i attribute this to is that he didn't want me to reach him so that he could get out of doing homework that was forgotten at my house. (another issue), but the bigger problem is is that when i picked my son up halloween night I was bathing him and there was a gripmark on his arm. It was from my ex.

And then the cherry on the top of all this is I go into my email and I have an account through comcast. I had gone to comcast in 2001 expressing my situation of my ex's knowledge of computers and his anger problems. I needed him off my account and where he was to not have access to it.

Now last week I try to go into my email. My password doesn't work. Long story short he has been accessing the account. Instead of comcast just setting up a whole new account for me they told me his was removed. they also told me he called comcast just the other day. her advice to me was that he accidentally changed the password...called to change it back (probably before I noticed. He has been accessing my email and deleting stuff that I have been receiving from others. I don't know what to make of this. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired.
My physical health is at times a problem. This also depresses me because it makes me very scared. I don't have a lot of support. My family knows he's unstable, but I guess they don't know how to handle it either.

My girlfriend, who is a legal secretary, told me I should talk to a public defender.

I don't know how to get help with these situations. My first attorney took 2500.00 from me and did absolutely nothing. The agreement wasn't even legitimate. The next lawyer says he'll go after him for the money back. I tell him i need to use that money to pay for his services. He'd just say okay let me see what I can do and now this.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for reading this. I know it was long.

Eva

Hi Eva,
Welcome to SFV. You're going to need alot of new friends and there are many here.
First of all, set up a completely new and separate e-mail account. There are many services out there and start using one of them. You should be able to import all your contacts, so you can "forward all" your new e-mail info to them or just the important ones.
Your friend is right. If he was not legally allowed to access your e-mail then he broke the law. If he misrepresented himself to your service, then he broke the law twice. Check into the legal stuff. You don't need a lawyer if you've been wronged.
Concerning your suspicions about physical abuses, document everything. Get a digital camera. The next instance you suspect, report it. Start a diary of events.
Call the bank and see what you can do to at least get notification of any events concerning your son's account if you can't block him completely.
Good luck, Eva. You have new friends and we don't mind listening.

Thanx very much for the welcome

Yes...comcast explained to me to set up a new account and I had done that.

I took a picture of my son's arm, but my real concern is possibly having to go that "next step". I honestly think he'll snap. I went to alternatives to domestic violence here in nj. It was good for me to go to try to make some sense from what had happened to me. I'm afraid of how much worse the situation can become.

I'm going to go and talk to comcast in person to get documentation of him accessing the account.

I still need counceling though because the divorce settlement has never been finalized. My present lawyer is not addressing these concerns before finalizing.

I'm glad I found this site...Thanks for your helpful advice...I appreciate it .

Take care
Eva

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] Hi Eva,
Welcome to SFV. You're going to need alot of new friends and there are many here.
First of all, set up a completely new and separate e-mail account. There are many services out there and start using one of them. You should be able to import all your contacts, so you can "forward all" your new e-mail info to them or just the important ones.
Your friend is right. If he was not legally allowed to access your e-mail then he broke the law. If he misrepresented himself to your service, then he broke the law twice. Check into the legal stuff. You don't need a lawyer if you've been wronged.
Concerning your suspicions about physical abuses, document everything. Get a digital camera. The next instance you suspect, report it. Start a diary of events.
Call the bank and see what you can do to at least get notification of any events concerning your son's account if you can't block him completely.
Good luck, Eva. You have new friends and we don't mind listening. [/qb]

Thanks very much David...I'll check out the site

Take care
Eva

quote:

Originally posted by David Elwell:
[qb] Hi Eva,

Gaining access to the legal system is difficult today, primarily due to cost. For a real and affordable solution, visit www.1wp.com/go/esquaredusa and click on the various links. The bottom line is that you can have access to an attorney for as little as $17 per month. If you need more info, just contact me via the above website.

Good luck,

David Elwell [/qb]

Just be careful with this, because I did something of the sort with a different company. They gave me one free phone consultation, and then if you have to go to court, you still have to pay attorneys fees, at maybe a discounted price. But its still pricely. You'll be paying this monthly fee, plus the attorney fees. I would suggest trying to find someone to do it pro-bono, but I havent figured out how to do this myself yet.