SIGH!!! I don't know where else to turn. I have a major issue and I am just out of patience. I have an 8 year old girl that is extremely jeolous of her little 3 year old sister. It's been like that since she was born. She has always treated her like crap. She gets off if I have to punish the baby, so at least 40 times a day she will try to manipulate my mother...succeeding 90 percent of the time. At this point, my baby is acting out so bad. I know it is a direct result of the things her sister has said and done to her, and continues to do...regardless of the punishments, or anger that continuously grows inside me. No matter what I do to try to resolve this issue, it is getting progressively worse. The baby will scream as loud as she can if she is being told no...and hit, kick, punch, all of it. When it is just her and I...it never gets to the point where I have to put her in her room...or slap her butt. Then there's my mother. My mother loathes over the oldest, and pretty much can't stand the baby. I live with her. I have no choice. If I can't control the baby, then she thinks she has the right to smack my kid. I cant stand my life anymore. I dread the moment school gets out. I absolutely HATE the weekends. I dont want to be around the oldest child most of the time because of her behavior. I want to take my baby and leave this nightmare. I fear if I dont get her out of this situation, she's going to end up just like her sister. I know the kid is only 8...but sometimes the evil spills out of her pores. I feel like there is no options left.

I'm going to offer you a suggestion for 'behavior modification' that I heard from a mom once, who said it worked amazingly well. I have not had to do anything like this as of yet, as my daughter is only 2, but I will remember this idea for the future:

Ask your daughter for her favorite 6 or 8 or so things that she enjoys doing on the weekend. Write them on one side of a poster in a list beginning with her most favorite.

EXAMPLE:
1. Having a friend over to play.
2. Going to get ice cream.
3. Watching a movie
4. Going shopping.
etc.

Then, on the other side of the poster, write an equal number of behaviors or actions you will not tolerate.

EXAMPLE:
1. Screaming
2. Talking back
3. Lying
4. Hitting, pushing, kicking your sister
etc.

Tell her that every time she displays one of these unacceptable behaviors, you are crossing something off the other side of the poster. If there is anything left at the end of the week, she can pick from the list whatever she wants to do the most (or she can do all of them if they're reasonable). But, whatever is crossed off, she won't be able to do.

When you cross something off of her list, as she is displaying her bad behavior, don't make a big deal about it. Just make sure she sees you go over to the poster and cross through something. Don't even say anything. And if she protests or throws a fit because you are doing it, cross something else off. If you have to, cross them all off at once.

Don't fight, don't argue, and absolutely do not give in! She'll learn quickly that it's all in her power and she is getting positive attention for displaying good behavior by being allowed to do fun things on the weekend, and she is getting no attention for the bad behavior, because you are only going to cross something off of her list.

Oh, and as far as your mother is concerned... You will probably not change her. It's hard having 2 moms under the same roof, especially when you have different views about raising children. So focus your attention on fixing your kids' behaviors and then she won't have to feel like she has to be the disciplinarian all the time.

Great advice alex. I'm having a minor issue myself with my son (he's 5) and I was thinking of a way of approaching this without losing my cool. I may just try this method - maybe modify it a bit but I think it'll just do the trick.

Thanks!