quote:

Originally posted by MinnMom:
Spindizzy ~

I'm new to this, too, but will see if I can be of some help here. A couple questions. Your daughter is 8, so I'm assuming she's attending school, yes? Is she consistent with the bad behavior at home and at school? If so, is it possible to work with the teacher and come up with a discipline plan that you both follow, so your daughter gets consistency in both places? I also wonder what other resources (such as counseling) might be available for your daughter through your school. I was able to find such a resource through our school for my daughter. It was a lifesaver. I hope the same could be true for you!

MinnMom

quote:

Originally posted by spindizzy:

quote:

Originally posted by MinnMom:
Spindizzy ~

I'm new to this, too, but will see if I can be of some help here. A couple questions. Your daughter is 8, so I'm assuming she's attending school, yes? Is she consistent with the bad behavior at home and at school? If so, is it possible to work with the teacher and come up with a discipline plan that you both follow, so your daughter gets consistency in both places? I also wonder what other resources (such as counseling) might be available for your daughter through your school. I was able to find such a resource through our school for my daughter. It was a lifesaver. I hope the same could be true for you!

MinnMom

She has been speaking to a counselor at school but they can't really get anything from her. She tell stories and hides things. See there was some time where she and her little sister were kidnapped from me by some members of the fathers family and taken to the father and his girlfriend who went in hiding of course so they couldn't be found. Well I think there were things that went on in that home. I wasn't there to see it of course, but they didn't act that way before they were taken. Their father was after all arrested for molesting a his gfs son so no surprise there. I just don't know if the same was done to them. when I try to bring the subject up, the way she answers me seems like something did happen to them but she is for some reason trying to protect her father or she is afraid she will get in trouble and I don't know how many times I have to tell her that she won't. I just know she is hiding something. Im not trying to push it with her though. The other day my 7 year old mentioned to me that the would be stepmom snatched her out of bed one morning and spanked her for no reason. I also had to retrain both of them to call me mama, because they were told to call her that and were punished for referring to me as anything other than my first name. So they have both been through two counselors one from school and one from a behavorial health center. They have also both had physical exams and come up with nothing. As far as behavior at home and school, in school she does have issues with not listening and following instructions and too much talking. At home she is worse, but its only with me. She acts as though I am some kid just like her but only bigger that is telling her what to do and takes care of her. Idk maybe she has no respect for me because I stayed in the abusive relationship that I did or maybe she got so used to calling the girlfriend mom for so long that she doesn't see me as her mom any longer.

quote:

Originally posted by Glenn the Survivor:

First, this is really heart breaking because a child was lead down a bad path at a young age which wasn't her fault, and now there is so much harm done that it will take a lot of work and patience to get her on the right path.

First of all, throw the book away on parenting. They are ONLY guidelines anyways and your 8 year old is not a typical child at this point. We can't say what type of abuse but the kisnapping alone and beating for calling you mommy is enough to be show that she was forced down a bad path.

This is the hard part, even for me. From her eyes and trying to imagine walking in her shoes ... her father let her do whatever she wants and as a child that is like being in heaven. So naturally, she will think he is better then you! You need to stop thinking about her opinion as it doesn't matter on this subject.

I would say go SUPER military on her. I mean don't abuse her but make it so that every aspect of her life in controlled. My father put a lock on my door when I was a child because I was addicted to video games (I would play at 1am in the morning, wouldn't hurt anyone but they felt this was not healthy behavior). This way I couldn't just leave my room whenever I wanted too. My children's room have locks on them because they won't go to bed if they can open the door and come back out to play, they will bide their time and wait to sneak past me if they can. Some people don't like this, I find it works.

Make it to the point where she has no play time. Make her clean her room everyday and I mean to the point where all of her shirts are folded the same size and organized. Walk in there with a flashlight and check for dust everyday right in front of her. Make her earn her play time and teach her life doesn't give you anything, you have to earn everything.

Some parents don't believe in smacking their children, some people do. I do sometimes but use the corner method mostly because it is effective for my children. I know hitting worked in breaking her but not she if it will work in getting her back on track or not. As a parent, you will need to decide. If you do decide to not use smacking then make sure when she is in the corner, her hands and feet are at a specific position and she is always standing up (no rest for the misbehaving). My children must keep their hands to their sides as they tend to put their fingers in their mouths or try to play with anything in their reach.

The biggest thing is watching her 24 - 7. I would make it so that she is so tired from her day that she wouldn't try and get up in the middle of the night. Chores as a punishment or in general is not abuse. In fact the state will hold parents responsible for their children when they are bad, they know they have to let them do what they sees as fit to make sure the parents can do this.

I would even go so far as maybe putting bars on her windows. I did this with my children because they would push the screens out of the windows and climb out. I would catch them each time but it got old fast fixing windows. Of course they were real young and didn't understand that the behavior was wrong, they were still learning so I had to be patient. In your case, your child knows and this is just a preventative measure because she hasn't earned your trust back.

School work punishments could range anywhere from not letting your child leave the dinner table until they can answer every question you ask them from their school books for the subjects they are learning (and they wouldn't know the questions in advance because you would just skim the pages your child is studying in class. This would force your child to not want to slack off in school if that is what she is doing which I get a sense is going on also.

If you want more suggestions I would be more then glad to give you some. At this point her will is broken by her father and his GF. I am guessing that he doesn't see his child anymore because of the kidnapping. Has your child seen the father in jail at all? Maybe seeing their hero behind bars might also help in giving them a reality check (talk to to police officers there too, maybe they might help you by locking her in a cell for a short period of time to show her what it is like for criminals who lie and steal. This of course isn't abuse, this is just teaching them cause and consiquence and I know police are MORE then happy to help prevent children from entering a life of crime. In fact this is the only real affective way to lower crime, by working with children and teaching them.

If I can think of anymore, I will let you know. Also let me know how things are going, specially if you are struggling with a specific problem because sometimes all you need to do is think outside the box and I live outside the box (kind of stupid for me when it rains, I would have shelter but I sit next to the box getting wet).

Good luck and I hope some of this stuff works for you.

quote:

Originally posted by spindizzy:

That sounds like some very good advice. Not sure about the locks on door part, brings back bad memories for me. I have not seen the father in some time. He paid me three child support checks which by the way I am supposed to be paid $25.00 a month. Well hes stopped paying me the measly $25.00. I am getting paper after paper about how he has to show up at court because of it and so I imagine he is hiding from having to do that. If he is in jail which I wouldn't be surprised but I don't know where I would find him and I've been told specifically he is not to see the children at all until he has completed drug classes, parenting and passed his drug tests which he doesn't seem to be willing to do at all. I just think he is too addicted to those drugs and nothing else matters to him.