Hi everyone,

I head up a non-profit here in Charlotte, NC for single parent families and we�re in the midst of bringing various groups and agencies in the Charlotte area together to develop awareness and expanded support for single parent families (police, schools, United Way, businesses, local government, etc.) We�re also trying to bring local churches in the process.

Have a question...

Statistics say that while 26% of households are run by single parents, only 5% attend church on a regular basis. Why is this? Spiritual and emotional support rank high on the needs list for single parents but why is this not spilling over into church attendance?
My objective here is not for us to go off on a church-bashing spree, rather it�s my desire as we engage more with local churches and attempt to work with them concerning single parent families, the reasons and concerns you share will be important in that dialogue.

In fairness to churches, there are many single parent families who do receive a tremendous amount of support and encouragement from their church. Please also feel free to post comments on what your church is doing right in giving you support and making you feel connected.

I�ve presented this to our group here in Charlotte but think the issue is very relevant to single parent families everywhere.

Thanks for your help,
Larry

I am Christian and attend church every Sunday. I think the reason that less Single parents attend church than you (and most of us)would like to see is because if you look at the demographics of single parent homes you may see that a good deal of them have to work on Sundays to pay the bills. Most of the Single mothers and fathers I know have a college education and can work a 9-5 Mon-Fri. However, there are many 20 and below single parents who did not finish college and/or high school. That may attribute to some of the lack of attendance. Further, even wednesday night services can be affected by the same situations.

As for the others that are not in that category and still do not go to church? You can probably get the same answer for it as if you asked why any person who was raised in church and values teh doctrine does not go to church. Lack of motivation, lack of sincerity, lack of trust in the church, the weight of sin in their lives. I know the reason I did not go to church for so long is because:

1. I did not truly have a relationship with him. I did not read the word daily, I did not pray daily, and I felt condemned.

2. I had accepted his death but not his Lordship. Sure, I did not want to go to hell but I also was not ready to submit every part of my life to him. Give up a relationship with my children's father? Not then.

3. My sin held me back. Even when I felt the draw to go to church, I knew that I was sinful and did not feel that I could "praise Him in spirit and in truth." We all sin, but I MEANT to sin, I CHOSE to sin.

What can the church do?
1. Intercession. Churches need to commit specific time to where all the members of the church will commit to come together to pray specifically for those in these positions.

2. Advertise. Let people know you care about them, be they single parents, drug addicts, homeless, ex-cons and that you want them to come and worship with you.

3. Set up acountability. If people have come to you expressing the desire to change link them with someone in the church community that is mature in their relationship with the Lord and who can speak with them on a weekly basis about things they are going through and teach them what the Lord has to say about these areas. It is called Discipleship.

4. Set up a small group in the church specifically for single parents. Not a dating service, a ministry. Preferably it should be led by a single parent and does focus on typical single parenting issues. I bet there are more single parents already in your church than you know!

My two cents and I could go on and on but will let others talk as I tend to dominate boards!

I stopped going when I was put on bedrest during my 2nd pregnancy. I liked the church I attended because it was a come as you are church, had a lot of things to keep my Daughter interested, and had 3 services in the morning in case we didn't manage to make it to one of them.

I don't go now because we moved an hour from that Church. I don't like a large congregation...I don't want to have to put my kids in the nursery or pre-school while I worship either. There just aren't any churches around here that fit my bill. I worship at home with my children. We learn about the Good Book in the comfort of our home. My babysitter, on the other hand, has older children (9, 17, 19) is a single mother and attends Wednesday evenings and every Sunday.

I think maybe SchoolMommy hit the nail on the head when she stated that 2 parent families, people without children, elderly, you name it...probably have the same reasons we do for not attending.

Thank you for your comments, I greatly appreciate it. Along with our non-profit group, I lead the single parent ministry at our church which has over 4500 members (quite an interesting dynamic in and of itself). While I�m sure that what you say is correct in that many single parents don�t attend for the same reasons as 2-parent families, I�m convinced there�s more to it. The statistics as well as parents I�ve spoken to over the years often seem to say otherwise.

In my own experience, the biggest issue I�ve heard is single parents don�t feel connected to churches. A few of the comments I�ve heard are:
1. Single parents don�t feel a part of any particular group in their church. They have stated they don�t feel a part of single�s groups because of the unique situation we are in (I too am a single dad for 13+ years) and single�s groups aren�t generally interested in the �parental� aspect of singles. Plus often not having child care during the times when these groups meet makes it pretty much impossible for single parents to attend.
2. They don�t feel a part of couple�s groups. This makes sense.
3. The physical demands on attending are too great. Getting the kids up and ready is a bit much, physical limitations and being the only parent, etc. (similar to what Blindsky75 mentioned)

And I know there are many more reasons as well.

While I�m sure sin keeps some away, I am convinced that guilt (and what single parent can�t write a book on guilt...) keeps many more away. And are we as the body of Christ promoting that feeling of isolation or being seen as an answer? Our goal is to be the light of the world and that means meeting people where they�re at. If we�re only drawing in 5% of single parent families, something is missing. The numbers for 2-parent families is not so low so my question is to those single parents who feel disenfranchised from church, why and what can we do better?

Thanks,
Larry

Hi, Larry, and welcome to the site! I have a few ideas on why some of us don't attend church like we did as kids. I became disenfranchised w/the idea of church when I was in my teens before I became a single mom. I found that most of the people at the church I attended would be extremely friendly while at church in front of the pastor or youth minister, but when you got to school or anywhere outside the church or church function, they acted as if they didn't know you and like they didn't go to church. I have a big problem w/hypocracy and decided to disassociate myself from that. I believe in God and Heaven and Hell and I teach my son. I don't believe, however, that you need to go to church to believe. I have toyed w/the idea of trying to find a local church to attend, but haven't really made the move to do so yet. I don't want my son to go to church w/people that build him up while he is there only to tear him down when we aren't. I guess that is my reason more than having to get up early or anything else. There is also a certain amount of feeling like an outsider. We aren't raising our kids in a traditional 2 parent household and there are some, not all mind you, that look down on single parents because we are sinners for having children outside of wedlock. I prefer to believe and worship w/o all the added pressure of organized religion. I teach my son about the word, and we read a children's version of the Bible. I hope this helps you answer the question of why. As far as what can be done, I don't know that I have an answer for that. Good luck to you!

Wow, thank you. What you said should be read by every pastor and church worker out here. One of the things I appreciate about how Jesus lived his life was that he seemed to be most comfortable with those who were tagged the "outcasts of society". Prostitutes, thieves, beggars, etc. were those He preferred to keep company with. And I suspect (although I�m no theologian) it was because of what you mentioned � these were genuine, although often hurting, people who didn�t hide behind a mask of hypocrisy. In fact, His strongest criticism was mostly directed at the church leaders because of their hypocritical and judgmental lifestyles.

Fortunately there are some churches who �get it� when it comes to realizing that God�s grace is there for all of us. There is no list of the top ten big sins we can do to keep us from His love and especially that would allow others to look down at us in judgment. In our group, we have teenage unwed single moms through widows and widowers (and everything in between) and there is no caste system in how the group loves and gives support to each other. They�re a pretty awesome bunch. And I�m pretty sure that is exactly how God would want it.

Thank you again for your comments.

Larry

Well I guess I can put in my two cents. I drifted from the church as a teen, like Ty's Mom. My parents would force us to go to church every Sunday, and then to youth group afterwards. As soon as I turned 18 I stopped going. I had issues with the things being said in church (I was raised Roman Catholic) because I was just begining to experience the world and was learning the things I was told in church were wrong! I had met a gay person, and he was the friendliest and kindest soul I have ever met (to this day!) I just can't believe gay people are evil! I live in a city with a large gay population and personally, I think gay people are more accepting and loving than any church I have gone to.
Besides the gay issue, I just can't accept a belief that one person is BETTER than another based soley on what they believe. Religion depends on creating two sets of people, the saved, and the damned. Us and Them. The good and the Evil. Well, I am human and cannot possibly live up to the standards that were set for me as a child in the church. So what was my choice? To be evil. If I can't be good, I'll be evil. And let me tell ya, I was GOOD at being evil.
When I got pregnant, I was told by a woman who was Christian that I was going to hell because I did not want to marry the father. I asked her if it was better to be in heaven and live in an abusive relationship, or go to hell and be free. The choice was easy for me.
The black and white picture that church paints is just not one that I can accept. There are grey areas and exceptions to every rule. Churches, in my belief, were created to answer questions that no one had answers to. If the churches answers are believable by you, then you are a follower of that church. When I find a church that has the same beliefs as me, maybe I will join. Until that day, I will teach my son that while everyone has a right to believe what they want, no one has the right to TELL you what to believe.

We go to church almost every sunday and my kids love it. My church is great with the kid stuff and that helps a lot. The only time I do not go is if I get to far behind on things or running to much and just can not bear to load them all up. If people came closer to God they would have more piece in thier lives.

We do not attend church on a "regular" basis, and the reason for that is the plain fact that (for myself), being a single parent, working full time, plus various weekends when required, it seems I just do not have the extra time. We are connected spiritually with God, and when I do not have to work, we do attend...I would love to attend some of the evening programs offered, but by the time I get off of work, pick up the girls, get them fed, homework, well, sometimes it seems there are not enough hours in the day.

The church we attend here in Colorado Springs is wonderful in the services and the programs available, but as I mentioned above, sometimes it seems I still cannot attend, due to the "time factor."

Hi Larry and welcome aboard,

I am with Ty's mom on this one. Everything she said...I am always feeling like I am being judged by members of the church. My daughter attends religious education every week and we pray and talk about Jesus on a daily basis. We have very in depth conversations, have read stories from the bible and even though I am a single parent, always find people to do good things for. I show and teach my daughter kindness, compassion, and charity. I was raised to go to church and hear constantly from my mother the push to go back to church. She will sometimes take my daughter when my daughter spends the night over there, and my daughter likes to go. Do I feel guilty....Absolutely! Would I go if I had more energy and time? Absolutely!...but in reality...I work a midnight, 10 hour shift in a very busy hospital. We work every other weekend...so the weekends I have off...I am not only exhausted, I want to do things, get things done and run my errands...but also I want to do things with my daughter. Her name is Trinity and she is 12...soon to be 13 next week. My concentration on being a good parent involved in her life, and in her friends lives far out weigh my desire to go to church, when I feel like He is always there regardless. I talk to him and he talks back to me. I tell him I love him everyday and try to live my life with good morals and good values....so why should I go to church and be snubbed at and judged by someone who doesn't know what is like to be the one who does the work of two?? As you know, single parents work hard, even the ones who do just the bare minimum....work hard. I have had people at my daughter's sport functions come up to me and say...How do you do it? I say..."Well I do it the same as you". I think to myself...Do they ask other parents how they do it? No. We as single parents just do...because who else will??...and everyone is watching. (at least it feels like it) The ones who aren't judging seem like they pity me. It is rediculous how they make you feel. God and I (and some help from my parents) have done an excellent job at raising my daughter and keeping her safe....I don't have to go to church for Him to know my sincerity of how much I love Him and thank Him...He knows what is in my heart.

Hi Larry,
I am also with TY's mom and Thinker on this one. To add another twist to the story as well.. The churches I sporatically attended as a child taught "hell fire and damnation". It frightened me as a child and I never wanted to go back. I do not want my daughter subjected to those teachings at all. As and adult I teach my child about God and that he is a loving and forgiving God but you have to conduct yourself respectfully and ask for forgiveness. I also do not agree with many of the practices of some denominations. I have many more thoughts but religion and politics are VERY touchy subjects I care not to go into great detail about in conversation. I recently relearned that lesson all too well.

You guys are great in opening up and sharing. Thank you.

Carla, I can relate � I grew up in a church environment where they literally tried to �scare the hell out of you�. The unfortunate outcome was I grew up thinking God was some angry tyrant who delighted in �zapping� me whenever I did anything wrong. I came to the conclusion I would never be able to live up to the standards the church demanded so like Seraphin figured if I wasn�t going to cut it, might as well have fun with it. It was fun for a time but ultimately rather empty.

Fortunately I have come to the realization that God is anything but that and He�s a God of love, not one who takes delight in my suffering. He meets us right where we�re at, not where some church demands we should first be. That was a very cool � and comforting - realization... I�m equally thankful I�ve taken my daughter to a church where they teach that.

Thinker, I think what you said about feeling judged is unfortunately all too often true. I personally feel those people have a lot to account for someday � totally missing the boat on what it�s about.

ps - ladies, please forgive the "you guys" - my yankee upbringing coming through

You a misplaced Northerner too Larry? I am originally from MI and say you guys all the time. I get picked on for calling "soda" "pop" too.

As for your original question and what churches are doing right?

My church is considered INTER-denominational because they welcome all denominations verses NON which sounds like they renounce denominations. I think that is a step in the right direction. They offer a single parent support group that is responsible for a fashion show/clothes swap each year. We also host a wednesday night dinner once a year. We meet twice a month and discuss issues that relate to being a Christian parent doing it alone.

I like that my church does not ostrasize people for having been in sin (since the sin was the s** and not the baby that resulted from it) and if it is a product of divorce no one judges whether the divorce was justifiable or not. They don't sugar coat anything either. they don't try to say that sin is okay or ignorable either.

I don't want an I'm okay you're okay church, my church says (literally the pastor says this) I'm not okay, and you're not okay, but that's okay cause He made a way.

I wanted to throw down something here too, sorry I missed this thread before.

My son's school is run by a church, all his classmates go on Sundays. Even though I belong to a synogogue 3 hours away, I can't find the time to drive there every friday night.

He wants to go to church on sundays, but I don't have any sunday best to wear. I went once, and all the women had nice dresses, and the men wore suits, I felt really out of place in patched blue jeans, and a ragged sweater.

And I was the only single parent there. I feel like people look differently at me. I feel like they look at me and see the stereo-typical single mother..public houseing, food stamps, uneducated, poor.

But I'm not those things. And neither are the people who go to the church. But I still feel like they are better parents then I am. I guess I don't go because I'm embarrassed, and ashamed.

So I pray anyways.

Well I can relate about it being difficult to "fit in" as a single parent in church. But here's a twist... I go to a church that typically would be considered one of those hellfire and brimstone judgemental places.. Pentecostal. But my church is really cool, and the people there are like my second family and very supportive. We have several recovering addict families coming in and our church's mission, written by the people themselves and not the pastor, is to help the community and get people off drugs and drinking, etc. and be a resource for the community. I have been there for 3 years, and sing and play keyboard there on the worship team.

The people are very helpful with my daughter and her unique problems and have helped hook me up with counseling through the church to deal with divorce issues, and my pastors have even gone to CPS with me to figure out what was going on with prosecution of my ex husband for sexually abusing my daughter. And when I got so over my head in housework and my house had holes in the floor and problems with the front door, a team of 12 people came over and nailed things up, cleaned, and they even brought lunch! Dang!

I am quite literally the ONLY single parent, even the only single adult in the church, we are 50 people now. So I dunno about other churches, and I read the posts above about how people look down on single parents, and I can understand that. I went to several different churches for a while looking for one that was nonjudgemental. In fact I was attending church when I was divorcing. I got so sick and tired of ahving to tell all my personal business (embarrassing sexual topics, exposing the abuse of my daughter, etc.) in efforts to justify myself, just to shut up the wellmeaning folks who kept trying to talk me into reconciling. Sigh... I finally had to find a different church because there were too many "mutual" friends there.

Then I spent two years just doing whatever and trying to do church from home, and I am not able to do that. I kept doing bad things that I swore I'd never do again, like adultery and being a slob, etc.

About the pastors needing to read that post about people being snobby. I think often the pastors have a good heart and mean well, but it is the CONGREGATION that needs to step off their high horse and realize that we ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. and that God is "no respector of persons".

My church family has stepped in and filled in the blanks in my life where I need help the most, support, babysitting once in a while, a confidante for my daughter, and moral support in court. I think that says alot, and I think folks have to look a long time for a church like that.