We have joint custody of my SO's son. His mom is raising him in a different religion than what we are. The religions are very different from each other and we want to be very careful not to confuse the child (he's 9 years old and so far only knows his religion), but we also want him to understand our beliefs. How do you meet this half way without effecting the other's beliefs?

any suggestions?

If he's your SO's son, then "we" don't have joint custody, "he" does. Be careful on this, you don't want to cause unnecessary turmoil or overstep your boundries as a girlfriend.

We're very active in our church, 4 days a week, and if my son's father was involved in his life, and if he and his girlfriend decided to bring another very different religion into my son's life, I'd be livid.

If this is something that is important to your boyfriend, then he needs to discuss it with mom first and get her input.

quote:

Originally posted by commander leftover:
[qb] If he's your SO's son, then "we" don't have joint custody, "he" does. Be careful on this, you don't want to cause unnecessary turmoil or overstep your boundries as a girlfriend.

We're very active in our church, 4 days a week, and if my son's father was involved in his life, and if he and his girlfriend decided to bring another very different religion into my son's life, I'd be livid.

If this is something that is important to your boyfriend, then he needs to discuss it with mom first and get her input. [/qb]

Maybe next time you can step out of YOUR world and read the post for it's true context, which is, what's best for the child. You have some bitterness issues and clearly you're in the wrong forum.

Actually neen1968, Leftover just gave you an opinion you did not share. No need to attack her.

I happen to think that you could explain your religion to the child but should not force the child to participate as I do think that this would be confusing to him. When he gets older he can decide if he wants to participate but 9 is rather early to expect a child to weigh the advantages between two religions.

No worries..

My opinion is that it's up to the biological parents to decide what's best. Religion is a very crucial part to the upbringing of a child, and if two parents have different views, then they need to sit down together and talk about it.

In some divorce decrees, religious upbringing is clearly spelled out. If your bf and his ex-wife don't have that in their divorce papers, then they have some loose ends they need to tie up.

But this situation has the potential of causing alot of problems. But those problems could be avoided with proper adult communication. If she has worked very hard to bring her son up in the church, then she may see this as an attempt to undermine her, and the way she's raising their son.

I'm sure you care about this boy very much, but in my opinion, it's not up to you to decide what's best for their child.

I appreciate your reply and after thinking about this I realize what you are trying to say. It's a very sensitive matter when the "girlfriend" comes in and starts making changes. That's not what this is about. My primary motive is to make sure he is comfortable with our beliefs and "not" undermine his mom's beliefs. I have a son as well therefore I'm very cafeful with this situation as I know how it feels when the new girl oversteps her boundry. I'm not trying to change his religion, that is not my right. But I am trying to make if comfortable for him to attend church with us or spend holidays with us, something his religion is against.

Thank you for you input, again, I apologize responding based on emotion.

Is there anything is their divorce papers about it?

Hey neen,
Oh this can be such a touchy subject. Although I do think this is something Mom and Dad need to discuss, I also understand what you are trying to do. I don't see a problem with exposing him to your beliefs as long as they are not pushed as fact (even though you feel they are fact). They need to be represented carefully. I find a good way of doing that is to open the world of religion all together. Not only expose him to your religion but expose him to several others at the same time. There are some really good age appropriate religion books in the library. Even if you do it in this manner you may find that his Mom gets upset. If she does you may need to just back down and let it be. I know that can be tough but for the sake of your relationship with his Dad and him serenity may have to be practiced.

I have had foster children from different religions in my home and honestly it has been quite fun learning about them. We have even done some of their rituals to make the person feel at home and to learn. My kids have enjoyed it and the foster kids felt very welcome.

The arrangement is not a "typical" one, meaning, all of us get along very well. The mom understands our beliefs, but due to her religion not celebrating holidays, I wanted to make it comfy for the child since he has never experienced these type of festivities. In no way would I try to hammer my beliefs into someone else's child, not would I undermine her teachings toward her son. I simply wanted suggestions on how to make things comfortable for the child. I know my boundries, and being a mom with my own child, I respect those boundries. None of us disagree with the other's religion and we respect each other's household enough that the child doesn't get confused in that aspect. But suddenly he'll be celebrating birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc.

OKay so is he coming to live with you guys for the summer, for good, or just visiting more often?

If he is going to be celebrating holidays and she is okay with it, I would suggest maybe introducing them in the home and only with the family. Ie. not taking him to church for Easter service or Christmas eve celebration but doing things low key in the home and explaining what things mean and why/how they are done. That way he is not pressured to participate and he is in a "safe place."

Alot of holidays, like birthdays the easter bunny or halloween are in place just for children. Some, like Thanksgiving and Easter can be celebrated at home with a nice meal.

Perhaps it would be easier on him if his mother had him on halloween so his feelings wouldn't get hurt if you took your child trick-or-treating. She could have him Easter morning while you go to church, you could have him later in the evening for Easter dinner. You could have a family get together on Christmas Eve, return him in the evening, and do church and santa after he leaves.

I think it's all in careful planning and timing. If they don't do birthdays, buy him a gift on his half-birthday. I think it all depends on if you "pump him up" for holidays, or tactfully and carefully exclude him from the religious aspects of them. He doesn't have to know the religious history of Easter, he could just know that it's a day spent with family.

If ex-wife knows you are going to be doing Santa on X-mas moring, I'm sure she'd be willing to allow a make-up day for that visit.

I think you can include him in celebrations inside the home without taking him to your church. But you really need to have the SO talk this over with his ex, and set up visitation on holidays.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I can imagine how frustrating in might be.

That's actually very good advice. I never thought of using the tactics that you've mentioned. I'll share this with his Dad and see if this will work.

Thank you!

I agree with Leftover. I think it is just a matter of very careful planning. Let us know how that goes.