....Sorry guys, I had to post this


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy,
Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ***.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and
eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12)The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Nothing wrong with a good religious joke at all. As a matter of fact....I happen to have one right here...

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."