My son's mother is the non custodial parent. She gave up sole custody when he was 3, and he is now 10. My wife is accepting a job, which will mean that our children will have to attend daycare. My ex is furious that we did not call her and discuss if daycare was the right thing for our son. She says that it is pointless that he goes to daycare when she does not work, and he can stay w/ her while my wife works. And that she is also court ordered to pay for 1/2 of his care, and she will refuse because he can stay w/ her, instead of paying for care. We live 1/2 hour from her,and my wife is accepting a job in her town, 5 min from her house, and she would like our son to go to her house during the summer every day, while my wife works, and then, also every weekend overnight. I refuse to have my son there every day. She spoils him, lets him eat whatever he wants, and we're trying to have him loose weight, they (her and her husband) are smokers. She isn't a dead beat mom, other than the fact that she doesn't pay the full child support that she's supposed to, which is understandable since she doesn't work, but I just don't want to give her the chance to gain custody back of my son. My wife and I have raised him together, he calls her Mom, and he has 2 other siblings in our home. I don't want to break that up, and be a "weekend parent" Our parenting plan says that she is to have him on the weekends. She even had the nerve to discuss the daycare situation w/ my son, before she discussed it w/ me. Now my son will be upset when I tell him that he won't be going to his Mom's house. Am I in the wrong? Am I being selfish? I am supposed to have a "talk" w/ his mom tomorrow. She is going to try and convince me to change my mind, and that I am not thinking what is best for our son, and what IS best for our son is for him to be with his family rather than a daycare. And how dare I consider putting him in daycare w/ out consenting w/ her first. I have sole custody.. legal & physical custody... I don't have to consent w/ her do I?

Well...you sound very upset and that is probably not a good state of mind to try to solve a difficult situation.
But you had the night to sleep, to cool down and maybe go into this with a cool mind.

Here are a few points I thought of, just MHO, please pardon me if I may be wrong in some points, just take them as brainstorming ideas, not more:

- he�s 10 years old, so going to day care will probably be fun for him, more so than staying with his Mum all day every day , or with your wife for that matter

- day care costs money

- why not let him stay at his Mum�s for part of the week, or 2-3 afternoons, whatever you agree on

- his Mum will probably have thought it over too, and having him all day every day will mean a big change to her life too, especially the driving back and forth to pick him up and bring him back every day (and that is obviously also her duty in the case she keeps him)

- the diet thing is probably hard to do at the day care, don�t know if they can pay attention so much to a single kid and what he eats.

- it is good for the kid to see his Mum often, but he shouldn�t get confused as to where he belongs, so the sleeping over should maybe be limited to special occasions or the weekends only

-if she�s supposed to pay � of the day care, a compromise may be to have him stay with her for the equivalent time (20 hours a week or so ?)

- from what you are saying you probably have the legal system on your side, but it might be smart to give in a little, especially if the kid wants it that way

-it might be a good idea to write down your new private agreement

- apparently she made a few �strategic� moves (not very nice !), when she first informed the child for example. I would still advise you to try and stay fair yourself, and not answer the same way�well, as long as possible anyways.

He will only be going to daycare during school time 3 days a week. Because he goes to her house every Friday overnight to Saturday, and every other Saturday, over night to Sunday, and I always have 1 weekday off (the day is always different, and I have every Sun off) So for example, if I have Tues off, he would go to daycare Mon, Wed, and Thurs, and to his Mom's on Friday. Then during the summer, he goes to his Mom's house Thurs, Fri, Sat and every other Sunday, so overnight * her house 2/3 days a week, and my day off of work, he would only go to daycare 2 days a week. It's not a whole lot of time for him to be in daycare, and he never considered being at his mom's house before, until she brought it up w/ him that she was going to talk to me about it. He is very attached to his Mom, but it all comes down to because she spoils him. And as for the eating... she'll let him eat anything whenever he wants, daycare on the other hand, does feed healthy food, and they have certain "snack times" and don't let them eat whenever and whatever they want. And she also wants my wife to drop him off and pick him up from her house before and after work. We do not have joint custody in any way, and I don't think that she realizes that. How can I tell her w/ out having her blow up to realize that she gave up all her rights to me 7 yrs ago?

During the summer, do you have Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday off sometimes ? I mean, those weeks you would not see him at all, would you ?

This sounds quite acceptable as an arrangement, and more days at his Mom�s would mean you never see your son and he looses touch with that part of the family.

Also, I think less than those 2 days at day care is too little, if he goes to day care at all. He needs to build relationships and keep them up there as well. I guess this is a point you should not mention when talking to her.

I agree with your thoughts here, basically. I also think it is your business (= your responsibility) to decide what is best for him. Let her blow up. And it�s not like he�s not going to his Mom�s house, he spends half his life there, this summer !

But you could for example say, that he should never stay at his Mum�s on Sundays, that way he sleeps over 2 days a week. I think it is important that he gets a chance to talk to you about stuff, especially the day after coming back from Mommy�s. Just an idea, again. I mean, I don�t know your son, but I have seen how it with other kids around that age. They don�t talk about stuff in an organised way, it just comes out (sometimes important stuff), or, if you�re not around enough, it never does, and that can lead to problems later. Just rambling.

The thing about her not picking him up would make me mad, to be honest. But I guess I know only a tiny part of the story.
Does he do regular things , like a swimming course or so. That would force his Mom to respect his schedules and bring him/pick him up, and on those days it would probably be too complicated to put him in day care.
I am just thinking, that way she could make herself useful and still see him part of the day. I am sure your wife has plenty to do with the 2 little ones on the days your oldest is supposed to be taken care of by his Mom.

During the summer, do you have Thursday, or Friday, or Saturday off sometimes ? I mean, those weeks you would not see him at all, would you ?

This sounds quite acceptable as an arrangement, and more days at his Mom�s would mean you never see your son and he looses touch with that part of the family.

Also, I think less than those 2 days at day care is too little, if he goes to day care at all. He needs to build relationships and keep them up there as well. I guess this is a point you should not mention when talking to her.

I agree with your thoughts here, basically. I also think it is your business (= your responsibility) to decide what is best for him. Let her blow up. And it�s not like he�s not going to his Mom�s house, he spends half his life there, this summer !

But you could for example say, that he should never stay at his Mum�s on Sundays, that way he sleeps over 2 days a week. I think it is important that he gets a chance to talk to you about stuff, especially the day after coming back from Mommy�s. Just an idea, again. I mean, I don�t know your son, but I have seen how it with other kids around that age. They don�t talk about stuff in an organised way, it just comes out (sometimes important stuff), or, if you�re not around enough, it never does, and that can lead to problems later. Just rambling.

The thing about her not picking him up would make me mad, to be honest. But I guess I know only a tiny part of the story.
Does he do regular things , like a swimming course or so. That would force his Mom to respect his schedules and bring him/pick him up, and on those days it would probably be too complicated to put him in day care.
I am just thinking, that way she could make herself useful and still see him part of the day. I am sure your wife has plenty to do with the 2 little ones on the days your oldest is supposed to be taken care of by his Mom.

Yes, I sometime do have thur, fri or sat off, and sometimes I don't. But most of the time I have thurs off. I do also think that he needs to build relationships up here. We just moved up here, and needs to get used to this community, and develop friendships w/ other people. Being at his mother's house all summer, he will just be lonely for when school starts, and will not have any friends, which would make it uncomfortable. I know it is my responsibility for what is best for my son, but she has a difficult time realizing that she doesn't have a say in his life, and shoves it in my wifes face that She is his mom, not my wife. When my wife has been raising him since he was 3 yrs old. She gets up w/ him every morning and makes his lunch for school, and see's him off to school, helps him with his homework every day, and she treats and loves him just like she does our other 2 sons. I know my son loves her a lot too. But my ex always throws in her face that she is not his mother. And gets upset when my wife and I have discussion (like the daycare situation) w/ out her consent. My wife does keep her posted w/ school activities, Parent teacher conferences so my ex can attend, sends to her house his corrected homework every week so she can see it, and makes copies of his report card so she can have a copy for herself. My son's mother is in fear that we are here to take him away from her. Yes, it would be nice to have her out of my life, but don't we all think that about our ex? My wife deals with my ex on a daily basis, and I don't because I work 12 hours a day or more. And my ex is also upset about that. But I come home and want to spend time w/ my family, and if my wife doesn't have a problem talking to her, and informing her of our son's life, then I don't see what the problem is. I do talk to her on occassions, like when she or I need to trade days, or if there is an emergency situation. But other than that, it's just the daily happenings of school/sports, or if he gets grounded and she needs to know. And as for my son talking to me about things, or even to my wife, his mother has made it a point to inform him that whatever goes on at her house, stays at her house. That it is none of our business unless she says so. So most of the time, he tells us that he is not allowed to tell us. I know that he does want to live with his Mom, and even more now because we just moved from there to a different town, and all of his friends live in the town she lives. He misses his old school, and his friends. We've only been here for 2 months, and I told him that he will get used to being here. I had to move numerous of times when I was a child, and I never liked any school more than the one that I spent most of my years there. And that is what his problem is. He spent K-4th grade there, and now he's at a new school, w/ new peers. I know I just need to give him time. I miss our hometown too, but I know it'll take time to get used to living here.

Hey,

I guess you�re in a tricky situation and I am not being of much help�

Just wanted to mention that I have great respect for your wife, from what you say she�s an absolutely wonderful person and doing a great job.

You�re right, you�re right you�re right, that is my opinion. I think you can trust your feelings and thoughts here.

Oh, and when I said your son might have things to get off his heart after he stayed with his Mom I didn�t necessarily mean he would tell things about her or so. I just mean that he might have things on his mind he wants to tell his Dad, they might be related to his stay or not, or his stay might trigger them.

I wish you good luck, and I would like to hear what you ended up agreeing, if you want to tell me later.

You have been help, that is the reason why I signed up to this forum, is because I wanted to get someone else's view outside of our triangle. I just want to make sure that I'm in the wrong. Not saying that if someone thought that I was, it would instantly change my mind, but just to get an outside view of others opinions. Yes, my wife is incredible. We have been together since right before my son turned one, and got married shortly after he turned 3. She has been nothing but wonderful to him and my other 2 children. She calls him her son, because that's how she see's him. (but of course the school is informed that she is not the biological mother) I don't know what I would do w/ out her.

Thank you for your input, and I will let you know what my decision is. I have a "phone meeting" with my son's mother this evening.

quote:

Originally posted by Dadof3:
[qb]He will only be going to daycare during school time 3 days a week. Because he goes to her house every Friday overnight to Saturday, and every other Saturday, over night to Sunday, and I always have 1 weekday off (the day is always different, and I have every Sun off) So for example, if I have Tues off, he would go to daycare Mon, Wed, and Thurs, and to his Mom's on Friday. Then during the summer, he goes to his Mom's house Thurs, Fri, Sat and every other Sunday, so overnight * her house 2/3 days a week, and my day off of work, he would only go to daycare 2 days a week. It's not a whole lot of time for him to be in daycare, and he never considered being at his mom's house before, until she brought it up w/ him that she was going to talk to me about it. He is very attached to his Mom, but it all comes down to because she spoils him. And as for the eating... she'll let him eat anything whenever he wants, daycare on the other hand, does feed healthy food, and they have certain "snack times" and don't let them eat whenever and whatever they want. And she also wants my wife to drop him off and pick him up from her house before and after work. We do not have joint custody in any way, and I don't think that she realizes that. How can I tell her w/ out having her blow up to realize that she gave up all her rights to me 7 yrs ago?[/qb]