Hello, I am new to this site. But I desperately need some advice please. My 14 year old daughter recently left me to go live with her dad and his girlfriend. Yes, the two that were gone from her life for over 10 years while they were in a different state doing drugs and raising 'her' kids part of that time too (while me and the girls struggled all of those years). Yes, the dad who never paid child support except for about 3 months a couple of years ago when he suddenly stopped & disappeared from their lives again. Making a long story short, his girlfriend contacted my daughters with out my knowledge, and my oldest lives with them now. She (my daughter) totally rebelled against me when I forbade her to see her father. Now, my 12 year old (who still lives with me) and I constantly fight over this. She is flunking all her classes, and she has NO respect for me at all. I pray about it, and I know God will come through. But now I am losing my 12 year old, and I don't want to lose her too. I don't want to force her to stay if she doesn't want to be with me anymore either. She just said that I was keeping her from moving in to her dad's house because that is what she wants to do too. That ripped my heart out, & I don't know if I have a heart anymore to be honest. I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think he deserves my youngest daughter too, but I hate how they (my girls) look at me and speak to me ever since he & his girlfriend have come back into their lives again. I just don't know what to do anymore. We have no relationship anymore either, just like what happened with my oldest daughter after he came back in their lives. I have so much anger that I just cannot deal anymore. Please help..?

quote:

She (my daughter) totally rebelled against me when I forbade her to see her father.

Not sure, but do you mean even for visitation purposes?
I can understand your feelings either way, to have been the one doing all the work and making all the sacrifices and now them wanting to leave to be with him. Maybe some of that is they want him to be in their life so much, that after all this time of not having a father and suddenly having that be a possibility was part of why they would want to be with him so badly.
Back to my question though, if you were forbidding them to visit with him at all, that could have also fueled their fire to be with him, you know that forbidden fruit thing?

My goodness, I started typing this reply two days ago, and I am just now finally sitting down for the first time to be able to send it. Sorry for that long delay, & thank you so much for your kind reply. I told my oldest daughter that she could not even speak with her 'father' initially since he was not able to stay in their lives the last chance that I gave him after the initial disappearing act they (he & his girlfriend) did. But, that only lasted about a week or two; then I gave in since I am not the type to want to keep my kids from their father no matter how low he can go. I eventually did let her speak to him and then let her visit because I knew she would just hate me otherwise and sneak and do it anyway. But, I never disallowed their relationship before when he came back into their lives the first time or ever for that matter. That is what her father & his girlfriend are trying to lead the girls to believe though. I think that it was because (like you said) he was never there for them, so the thought of their dream of having a father finally coming true was just too overwhelming for my oldest to resist. Of course, his girlfriend is right in there sneaking behind my back to contact the girls which really makes me very angry and hard to deal with. It wouldn't bother me if I knew that she was a sincere person. Honestly, I can say that when she has tired of my oldest daughter being there, she will do something to make her so mad that she'll come back home. Then, she'll pop back into the girls' lives again a year or more later when it is convenient for some reason or other, and she'll blame it on me that the girls did not see them again with some really stupid excuse that they couldn't find the girls or something like that. (When they drive by my grandma's house all of the time to pick up her boys. My grandma, who was always our point of contact, who has lived in the same house for over 30 years with the same phone #, but they just could not find the girls all that time.) As you may have guessed, he has no mind of his own. He only sees his kids when she has decided it is time to see his kids, so it is not like he is a real dad; you know? Oh well, it will get better. Anyway, thanks so much for your reply!!!

I think, the time will come when your daughter's will realize that you are the one who really loves them and that no matter what happens you were always there for them, maybe the realization will not be instantaneous but it will come, continue to pray - there is no better way to fight this unfair world. I feel for you, the way you feel failure and that you don't seem enough for them, that they have to seek their good-for-nothing dad.always remember that god has his plans, and that he will make sure that in the end, the righteous will prevail. in the meantime, continue loving and continue caring - you'll see, they'll be back.