For the last month my 8 year old has been driving me crazy. Every few minutes she is asking me if something is going to hurt her. If she eats something and touches her ear she asks me if what was on her hands will hurt her ear...if she scratches her head she asks me if her finger will go through her skull....if she draws and get markers on her hands she says "it wont hurt me though right?" I have told her that I would never let her do anything that would hurt her but she keeps on asking. She has been doing it when she is at her dad's as well. Nothing has changed in her life at my house and the only thing I can think of that would be bothering her is that her dad has a new girlfriend. She has 2 daughters and a grandson that live with her. My daughter is jealous when it comes to the little boy because her father has said he wont have anymore kids unless he knows it will be a boy. She now feels that he likes the little boy more than her. She has always had a problem with her dad having a girlfriend as she says he will pay more attention to them then he does to her. We have had so many discussions about this and I tell her whatever I can to try and help her deal with this but nothing is working. I have talked to her father about this when he picks her up and he tells her to stop being so stupid. It is now worse because he has been dating her for 3 months and now they are thinking about moving in together. I have told her that her father doesnt want to be alone forever but it is hard to make a child understand. Could this be why she is worrying about everything? What can I do to help her before she drives me crazy? Any ideas would be great....

I think you identified the problem, now you have to work with it, and not take the track that it may drive you crazy. Divorce is a emotional blow to children, specially the young ones. One of the main problems in divorce is the child thinks its their fault, "if I had just been better, or done this.." You may want to get some help from a child psycologist. peace

At her age NLB I would definately seek some help. Since this is a new behavior I believe she is reacting to the changes concerning her father and feeling mentally abandoned by him. She sounds as though she is vying for your extra attention just to make sure she is not going to lose you.

If she was a drama queen from the start like my daughter, I would take the "brush yourself off and start all over again" approach. Ev is a drama queen when she doesn't feel well or thinks something is harmful and I have to swallow the "aw baby" mommie thing and tell her to get through it (with meds or what ever other remedy works).

Sometimes it's just the attention and it sounds as though your daughter is definately going through that. Ev does feel all sorts of problematic things when her father is around (total opposite for you?). Since he left she has had no problems except the allergies she is suffering right now. She even quit biting her cuticles and clinging to me so much!

It's so common for kids in your daughter's situation to feel abandoned. Her daddy's left her and she's been replaced by a woman and another child. He's busy raising this other woman's child, while she gets to visit him. (Emphasis on visit).

However, her irrational fears of hurting herself should be of concern to you. I agree with CA in getting her some help. She could be developing some sort of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. But make sure you get a good psychiatrist. If you take her to a psychiatrist who wants to put her on meds right away, I'd definately get a second opinion. I would do whatever it takes to try and fix this without drugging her.

Just remember that you can't fix everything. It's so hard and so sad to see your kids in pain and know that someone else is causing them that pain. But you can't control the actions of her father, so don't blame yourself! Just do what is in your control to help your little girl.

Thank you so much for your advice. At first when she started I just said "no honey it wont hurt you" then I decided to take a different approach and ask her if getting marker on her hands has ever hurt her before to try and get her to think about her fear. It is funny that you say OCD Alex cause I have always believed her father had that. He also had anxiety for 5 years and couldnt drive anywhere if it meant going outside of the city limits. He used to yell at her for getting finger prints on things and having toys on the floor. There have been times when she has gotten sick all over the place and cried saying sorry over and over telling me she would clean it up. I just wanted to cry because she is just a little girl and it is my job to take care of her because I am her mommy. We used to argue about it alot as I didnt want her to grow up worrying about things like that. Now that you say that I guess it is not only his problem now it is hers. He used to open and close his wallet 30 times to make sure he put his credit card back in etc. It is soooo hard to change it for her because we have shared custody. She spends a week with me then with him and so on which means when I get her back everything I have done to try and help her is undone. We have had this arrangement for 3 years and I have been thinking it is time to change that. I did not want it to begin with but was told by the judge that if I didnt agree I would only see her on weekends. The system failed me in a big way. I won in family court 6 times because he was abusive etc. but then he added the house on to it and took me to superior court and that is where everything changed. My daughter needs to have a home....not just places where she feels like a visitor. My ex is currently going to be moving 2 hours away to be with his girlfriend which means 50/50 shared custody is impossible as she cant go to school in 2 places which means he will probably leave her with me so she can finish school here. I have thought that would be the best time to go to court again and modify the custody agreement. In the meantime I will seek help for my daughter before this goes too far. She is at her dads for the week now and thinking about this makes me want to go get her, bring her home and hold her till she begs me to let her go. I am not saying her father is the worst dad around because he feeds her and she is always dressed half decent but knowing she is getting in trouble for things that arent a big deal is really hard for me to deal with. Thanks again

I'm so sorry for what you are all going through. Hang in there and keep fighting for your little girl. And don't give her dad any more credit than he deserves. Being a daddy is more than just feeding a kid. If you treat your kids like crap, the rest means little to nothing.

Very true....Thanks again

NLB,
Those traits of his do sound very much like OCD. It sounds to me like you have to play your cards just right because of past court issues. Please tell me you have a very good attorney. If not start looking now. Also, start looking for a psychiatrist that specializes in children and disorders. You will need a psychiatrist not counselor... but, make sure you have one that insists on psychotherapy and then will think about meds. Many these days just pass out meds. Another note, make sure they will make a statement or go to court on her behalf... many will not unless court ordered (by a judge).
Do your homework before he moves and make absolutely certain his intent is to leave her with you and work out some visitation arrangement.

Thank you for your advice CA and I will definately do what you suggested. It seems I know what I want and what makes sense but getting a judge to see what I see is impossible. As for the meds I am totally against that unless I have tried everything else. I agree alot of doctors just hand them out like candy. Thanks again everyone...I dont know what I would do without all of you...

NLB,
Definately exhaust everything before meds but, if she has a shared disorder with dad please don't deny her some normalacy she can get from medication.
Psychotherapy can take care of issues that may be exasterbating the issue... hopefully the issues are the only problem and this conversation is moot.

My son has ocd and it can be effectively treated without meds.Behavior and cognitive therapy are a great start.Most children with ocd have counting rituials try to see if she does this.My son has to turn a light off 3 times before he is content.His ritual is in 3s .The rituals could be lights,doors,not stepping on cracks,hand washing,mouth noises.They dont even usually realize they are doing it.My son would get up in the middle of the night to remake his bed it was messy.good luck