I was driving in the car today with my 4 year old who has not seen his father for over 2 years. Completely out of the blue he said
Mum is Granddad a dad?
I said yes he is my dad.
Well who is my dad?
Your dad is E.
Is he dead?
No he lives a long way away where you have to go on a plane to get there.
E is a dumb sort of dad
That�s OK we can share Granddad

It makes me so sad and angry. I am not sad that we don�t have to deal with E but am sad that my son will be hurt by his neglect. Although I would never lie to my son it would have been so much easier to say yes he is dead. My son understands that if a person is dead then you can�t get to see them. I was kind of shocked with the whole conversation; I don�t talk about his father all the time but he does come up in conversation. Plus at the Maori preschool he goes to, as part of the Maori culture my son is learning his traditional greeting which starts off saying what your father�s name is, your mother�s name and then what mountain and river etc etc you belong to. So his father is acknowledged all the time.
I think he has probably been mulling it over for a while and the best explanation he could come up with is if we don�t see him then he must be dead. He has an older half sister who we have regular contact with and she does see her father, I don�t know what I am going to say to my son when he figures out the inequality of that.

I know it is not something I can control, I just feel a little better getting it off my chest!

zealand,

hey kids understand more than we think.you telling him the right things like you are is a good thing just keep answering his guestions strait forward.

You know, it seems like a shame almost like your forcing a child to grow up a little to quick when you gotta tell them the truth sometimes, especially when the questions start flowing and you really try to answer them as honestly as possible. I think honesty is still better than an all out lie to make the situation easier on yourself.
When my childrens mom and then grand mother died, well of course i couldnt lie about those, but like i said it aged my children instantly. They were forced to deal with issues that most adults arent even prepared to deal with.
Since then i tell them everything they want to know, it sort of set some ground work for being able to have the heavy conversation when you need to, and lets face it there are some heavy conversations to have, from death to *** to two guys kissing in the street. Of course I never rush it but when the topics come up I hit them head on.

I agree, honesty in kid terms is the very best policy. If they are old enough to ask a question, they are old enough to get an honest answer they can understand. Mind you, sometimes we have to really listen to the questions so they are interpreted correctly. I have gotten some doozies and was occasionally way off base.

On the other hand I have had to tread lightly on some issues because of the questions. Evie does not see her father by choice (hers) and he is now honoring her decision for 6 months. She has asked me several questions in the past about his indescretions and in keeping with not bad mouthing him, I had to answer very gently and occasionally skate around the issue. Not an easy thing to do.

i cant believe they censored the (s)(e)(x) word, whats goin on in this place?

Yep it is.

My son questioned where his dad was for yrs. He even came up w/a story of how his dad died. It broke my heart everytime I had to say some creative turth to my son (that's what I call them b/c I'm really not lieing). I would say well your dad lives far away and can't make it to see you etc. It worked for him for a while. Now his dad sees him but only w/in the last month. I'm afraid it will stop soon then I will have to tell creative truths again. SIGH. It breaks my heart to know that I have to tell my daughter excuses as to Y her daddy does not see her. Sometimes life is not fair and unfortantly the present parent has to cover up.

I agree explain in his terms. I know I did w/my son and he accepted it. It was hard in his preschool yrs b/c fathers day would come up or something to do w/dads would come up and it was hard for him b/c he had no dad.

Good luck and it gets somewhat easier as time goes on and they get older.

SPIRIT

quote:

Originally posted by Brotheryyy:
[qb] i cant believe they censored the (s)(e)(x) word, whats goin on in this place? [/qb]

That word has been in the autoedit system since before the first day I found this forum

As to the topic, that is sad that a 4 year old would have to feel that asking if the other parent is dead was a possibility. Also sad for them to know that the other parent is out there and just chooses not be a part of thier lives. Honesty really is the best policy, tempered to age appropriate explanations.

Currently his father is in another country, but he travels to see his daughter but not my son. So I only talk about how we can�t get to where he is. It is just the same as far too many people here of knowing that eventually your child has to deal with the rejection and there is nothing you can do except support them and I just wish that I could protect him from some of the harsh realities of life! Not that I think that is the sole preserve of single parents - I think all parents probably want to protect their children like that. 4 years old just seems way too little to me!!!!
Thanks for all the support

Zealand....
Your doing the right thing.
My mother when I was just young enough to ask.."do I have a dad?" explained to me that my father had passed away in a car accident. I don't want anyone to be disturbed by this story because...really I laugh about it now. Up until 25 years old I thought my father had been struck by this train while driving his car to go get some bread and butter. I think I was somewhere between 8-9 years old. I will never forget it...I will tell you why you made the right choice and it is funny now but wasn't back then.
"Mom, where is dad burried?" well he is burried far far away....
"Mom, can I go visit dad at the cemetary?" her reply was "I don't remember where he is burried, I will not be able to find it ...it was soo soo long ago....
"Mom, was daddy a good man"...
"Oh yes he was", she replied....
Wow...I had at that age experience this death with absolutely no closure to it.

I would go into my room at night and ask God..."why would you take a good man away"...

The more I prayed about my father and for my father and wonder if he was listening, the more I dreamed of him.

AT 18, I wanted to go to University...I filled out an application for a student loan and guess what is on every single application you would fill out at that age..."name, date, address, b-day of your mother and your father".

Well in the father's section naturally I would fill it out as deceased. When I got refused for a student loan , I had asked why...the lady explained to me that when my father had passed away he left money.

Really.............

so can you see how a lie just goes on and on and on?
Long story short, I studied to become a police officer and realized I had above average investigation skills....guess what i did with that?

Found my father.