Hi everyone!
It's been a while since I posted a topic because I don't get a chance to get on too often, but I love reading everyone's posts and responses. Lately I've been having an issue with my daughter and could use some advice.

I'm sure it's probably typical for her age, but my 5 1/2-year-old daughter, who attends school full time, is obsessed with being identical to her friends.

If her friends have something (a toy, clothing item, etc.) she wants the same thing. And she also tries to get her friends to have, wear, or do the same things she does. Of course, I do not indulge her desires by buying her the things that her friends have, but she is becoming obsessive about it in other ways. I found out this week that she has not been wearing gloves while playing outside at school--and it's been below freezing here nearly every day for the past two weeks! When I told her to wear her gloves, which we keep in her coat pocket at all times, she refused, saying "Kayli [her best friend] doesn't wear gloves!" She also threw a fit the other day because I hung her coat up on her hook by the hood and not by the little loop. I was dumbfounded as she stomped back over to hang it up "the way Kayli does."

This behavior seems to extend to every area of her life now, as she will only eat certain foods that her friends eat, protests if I do her hair any differently from her friends' hairstyles, and will only color with certain crayons because those are her friends' favorite colors. I guess this is developmentally normal, but she's so obsessive and insistent about it that it's starting to get on my nerves. I have tried to explain that liking someone doesn't mean you have to BECOME that person, but she doesn't understand this reasoning.

Does anyone have any advice or know of any books/videos/etc. that might help by demonstrating the value of individuality? I know she's young, but I want to teach her now so she won't be a sheep for the rest of her life.

Thanks!
--Mel

HI LU


I have a five year old kindergartener too, and we have the same issues, only her friends name is Taylor. She wont eat tuna fish at school because Taylor doesn't like the way it smells. She doesn't want to wear her hair down, only in piggy tails, because that's how Taylor likes it. She refused to wear her hat because she said none of the other kids had hats like that. I had to buy her a new one or she'd have frozen.

I think it is normal. It is scary to start school and I think they really just want to fit in. I have gone to school to have lunch with her and I see similar behavior in the other children. They are all nervous about who they are going to sit by at lunch or who they will play with at recess.

As far as encouraging her to be an individual, that's pretty tough at 5, especially when all they want to do is not stand out. You could continue to talk about it with her-about why we do things, etc...over a period of years as part of her psyche and as she grows up she will start to develop her own identity. To me as long as she is learning and making friends and happy at school, I'm OK with it. I think it's something she'll probably grow out of.

Good Luck.

My gosh missabb that all sounds so familiar! Well I thought my daughter was kind of young to be doing all that, but apparently it's common for this age! I swear I can't remember being that concerned about my appearance or "fitting in" until at least fourth or fifth grade. Maybe I was just slow! Lol! My daughter doesn't like her hat either but I told her to suck it up! So I force her to wear it on the way to and home from school, but I'm sure she doesn't wear it on the playground. Oh well, I'll keep my fingers crossed that they grow out of it. So much anxiety at such a young age--oy!
--Mel

When I was a kid the only thing you learned in Kindergarten was how to paint and sing songs. Now they are learning so much more. And, yes, I think they are more concerned about fitting in. To her credit, my daughters hat was kind of ugly. It was one of those Elmer Fudd hats with rabbit fur lining. It was very warm and she never minded wearing it when she was 3 and 4, but now refuses. Oh well, I probably wouldn't wear it either. LOL