So it started five years ago when i gave birth to a beautiful blonde blue eyed baby boy, four months passed and daddy left us just before christmas in a horrible way. He visted once or twice mostly cancelled visits and came up with various excuses as to why he couldn't see his son. After much thought and three years later i brought him to court, not for the money but to make him see his son existed - the judge ordered him to pay �30 a week (in ireland you may as well give me a pat on the back than give me �30 but he was unemployed so that is what he had to give me). I thought if my ex had to pay he might want to see what he's paying for. I was wrong. I even asked him to phone once or twice a week and no again. There was an odd visit and an odd phonecall and then many more cancelled visits and a then a birthday card or a christmas card to make up for it. So after much thought and my son all the time asking why daddy isn't coming or phoning i had to make a hard decision and not let him see him at all. It was hurting my son too much wondering why daddy cancelled over and over again.

The problem is now my son is five and has started school he wants to know why daddy doesn't see him and is it his fault, which i reassure him that it isn't all the time (believe me this child is loved to death not only by me but by my very large family and caring parents).

So i'm wondering did i do the right thing and can i go back to letting my ex take my son for granted by just sending christmas and birthday card and seeing him whenever he feels guilty or when he wants.

Well while this certainly isn't something I'm an expert in, I will give you my thoughts. I think you are doing the right thing. If your sons asks to talk to his dad, I would let him call him. If you have a way to get ahold of him. The only thing I would make sure to do, is not sugar coat it. I wouldn't cover for his dad, because in turn I think it would make you the bad guy. I would continue to reassure him over and over of how much he is loved and cared about.

Best wishes

Amy

Hi Rachel! I have wanted for so long to see Ireland! I work with a guy who traveled Europe after high school, I asked him what his favorite place was, can you guess what country he RAVED about? He said it was the most beautiful place on earth, and the people were the most kindest good hearted souls he has ever met. What a wonderful place to raise a family! Do you live in the countryside, or in a city? Do you have Sesame Street in Ireland? ummmm I bet you have teletubbies..hahaha.

I've said this before here when this question has come up. I tell Jack, who is 5 too, that his dad is sick. I tell him that his dad wants to see him and loves him very much, but he is too sick to come over and play.

Since Jack has been sick too, he understands. It's not really a lie, any parent who would abandon their child is sick. And it leaves the door open for future visits, if his dad does decide to get his life together.

I vey calmly spoke to his father about this one day, I asked him for his input. I told him what I was going to tell Jack. At first he got angry, and protested, then I asked him if he had any better ideas. He didn't. His dad understands that I had to tell him something.

And when Jack grows to an adult, he will remember what I told him as a child, he will remember that I never placed blame, or badmouthed. Hopefully he will look back and understand that what I told him was the truth in a way, and that I wanted to ease his pain and answer his questions in a way that he understood.

He understands now, and when he grows, hopefully it will make sense to him. I know that little boys love their daddies even sometimes though sometimes their daddies act silly. He doesn't even ask anymore. He's accepted it, and so have I. He used to ask to call him, I would let him, he would ask dad if he was still sick, dad would say yes, Jack would say, OK. He doesn't ask to call anymore.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but on the good side, you have just made over 8000 new friends.

My ex is the same, except he doesn't pay child support, court ordered him to, but he moved to a different province. I am at the point where I really want to tell him to take a hike, but I guess I don't have the guts. It is hurting the kids the way he acts, and when he lived with us, he abused the kids physically so I got him out of the house. I just wish he would grow up. You know it's so refreshing to see responsible dads on the site, gives me some hope that there are some good guys out there.

quote:

Originally posted by leftover:
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I've said this before here when this question has come up. I tell Jack, who is 5 too, that his dad is sick. I tell him that his dad wants to see him and loves him very much, but he is too sick to come over and play.

Since Jack has been sick too, he understands. It's not really a lie, any parent who would abandon their child is sick. And it leaves the door open for future visits, if his dad does decide to get his life together.

[/qb]

That's basically how my mom explained it to me when I was about that age. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, and I was old enough to remember some of the things he did, so I understood that he was, indeed, sick. Except in my case, when I was about 8 I told my mom that I hoped he never got better because I didn't want to see him. And I guess I got my wish, because I'm 17 now and haven't seen him in about 11 years. And as angry as I was even then (and still am now), the first time I held my Luken, I couldn't help but wonder what it was that was wrong with me to make my father not feel what I felt for my baby...

I hope that situation never becomes an issue with my son. He's only 5 months old, but I haven't missed a visit yet - even when I've had to drop everything to make it. And I don't intend to. I can't imagine not being around. I don't understand how guys can just turn their backs when they know they have a child out there - and I have the "excuse" of being young (it's a stereotype - no one expects teenage fathers to stick around) to run away, and men twice my age can't even get their lives together to be there for their kids.

Go raibh mait agat, (Thanks in irish) for the support.

do you know what though i've actually told sean in the past that his dad is sick and thats why he can't come up but my little fella is too persistent and its not working so i think i'm just going to have to bite the bullet and ring his dad, if only more dads were like you Lukens Dad, Luken is one lucky boy.

In answer to your question leftover i'm from the middle of ireland which is generally know as the lake county (five lakes surrounding the town) and yeah it is quite beautiful. I'm only an hour from Dublin City but don't like it much, there are too many people trying to get to work quickly and don't care who they run over or into on the way.

if you want to see the real ireland you need to go to the west coast like Galway or Donegal where irish is still spoken regularly and many irish traditions are still going.

And yes we have Seasme Street, i can even remember watching it when i was younger. Don't even start me on the teletubbies!!

Maybe you can help me. My granny spoke Gaelic but died when I was a teen. She was a spitfire. When she was mad she used to say Bammy Blurt?? I know bammy is crazy, but what the heck is a blurt?

I'm afraid neither of those words are irish my granny was a great one for the sayings but i never heard her saying anything like that my only guess is that it might be crazy talk

I've just realised that you might get the wrong end of the stick with the crazy talk above, what i meant was bammy is crazy and maybe blurt is talk and not that your granny talked crazy talk!!

Believe me she was crazy!! But I loved her, she spoiled us rotten when we were little. Does anyone remember those card that you put dimes in? She sent those all the time. She gave us little cokes in glass bottles and welches grape juice. She retired as a barmaid in an Irish pub. I remember that she used to wear white gogo boots. She was a hoot.

Rachel, good thing you cleared up what you meant cuz for a minute, I thought you meant granny talked crazy talk - gave me a good chuckle.

As far as the 'dad' situation, I went through a similar situation with my ex. At first, he did the same thing. He would promise to pick them up on a certain day, but wouldn't show up. Meanwhile, the kids are dressed and ready, and needless to say, were VERY excited to hang out with their dad. Then.....time would pass and they would be so disappointed that he never showed. This happened over and over and over until one day, I gave him a warning that if he did this again, he wouldn't be allowed to see the children. Well, surely enough, it happened again and he hasn't made much effort to see them ever since.

I never sugar coat it though. But then, I never make him look bad either. My explanations to them have always been the truth. I tell them that "Your dad is given the choice, and I don't know what his reasons are, but he has decided on occasional phone calls. This doesn't necessarily measure his love for you guys, it's just how he chooses to live his life."

Now, the kids have gotten used to not seeing their dad and receiving phone calls EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. They still get real excited to hear his voice and they know that I don't stop them from calling him if they want. If their dad calls to arrange a visit (which is hardly ever), I don't tell the kids until that day when I know he is on his way. And I always have a Plan B for the three of us, cuz chances are, he isn't going to show anyway.

My boys are 11 and 6 and I know they miss their dad. But, I'd rather that they love and miss him and have good telephone conversations, then to be disappointed and resent him for all the "no shows."

I don't think there is a "perfect" way of handling these things, but so far, this seems to have worked for us.

NEW TO THIS BOARD AND FEEL LUCKY TO HAVE FOUND IT. THIS POST IS SIMILAR TO THE QUESTION I ORIGINALLY POSTED BUT DELETED BY ACCIDENT. MY SITUATION: SON IS 3.5, IS CRAZY ABOUT DAD B/C WHEN DAD DECIDES TO SHOW UP IT'S A PARTY AND WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER IT'S IN THE ZONE. HOWEVER, IS VISITS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN AT ONE POINT THERE WAS NO CONTACT FOR 9 MO. AND THEN THERE WAS FORCED B/C I WAS FORCING IT AND THEN IT WAS MORE REGULAR TWO DAYS A WEEK ADN THEN NONE AND THEN SOME AND NOW HE'S MOVED OUT OF STATE LIKE 600 MI AWAY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THERE IS NO GUILT THERE, I GO OUT FOR 3 HOURSE ONCE IN A BLUE MOON AND I FEEL TERRIBLE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW I'M ENTITLED PEOPLE. ANYWAYS I'M AT THE POINT WHERE I'M TELLING HIM HE IS SICK BUT HE LOVES HIM. AND IT HAS TAKEN ME THIS LONG TO REALIZE THAT HE IS NOT GOOD FOR HIM AND I CAN SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL AND I DONT' WANT MY SON TO BE THAT KID WAITING ON THE SIDE WALK FOR HIS DADDY TO TAKE HIM TO A BALLGAME AND NEVER SHOW. BREAKS MY HEART!!! I DID HOWEVER FINALLY TAKE STEPS TONIGHT IN FACT FILLING OUT A MOTION FOR A NAME CHANGE WHICH IS DEFINATELY NECESSARY. AND LIKE THE IRISH LASS I AM TOO AND HE IS SURROUNDED HOWEVER IT'S STILL GOTTA HURT LIKE HELL WHEN HE GETS OLDER???? THANKS FOR LISTENING

My son's therapist (anger issues) told me to quit telling him that his dad loved him, but was busy working, lived far, etc. He said that would make my son think that a GOOD father never sees their children.. After that when he asked why he didn't see his dad very often I would just be honest and tell him I didn't know. T & J's Mom, that was great what you told the boys. Tyler is very angry with his father. I never had to say ugly things, he just figured them out as he got older. I don't know which is worse, the tears or the anger. They both show me his pain.

Hey Shana, you are absolutely right - we, as parents, don't have to say ANY ugly things because they WILL figure it out as they get older. If we show them what a true parent's love is by OUR actions, they will learn how to distinguish the difference between a 'good' parent and a 'bad' parent. I think, in the end, our children will appreciate that we didn't say anything negative about the uninvolved parent because we protected their emotions as youngsters. Plus, I don't believe in keeping negative emotions bottled up inside, and we shouldn't enforce that on our children either. Just be honest with their questions but don't be cruel is my rule of thumb. (Your tone of voice says a lot too!!) There's no way of avoiding the tears our children face when one parent decides to disappear, but there's always a way to make sure they feel how much they are loved by the parent raising them. We can only try our best.

I agree to Shana. I have always told my son that his father was not with us because we were not happy together and that he has a new family now. He used to get upset about it but then a few weeks ago it was all worth it when my son came to me and said... "Mom, Im glad you didnt leave me. You always say that he (Wes) has another family but I think our family is the best one. Too bad Wes (he refuses to call him dad)is missing out on all the fun we have (decorating and moving)."

My soon to be ex mother in law says that I should keep telling my son that his father loves him. I told her that if Wes wanted my son to know that then he can tell him himself... not wasting my time waiting for that call lol

I always had it in my mind that I had to tell my son that his father loved him... didn't want my son to grow up thinking that his father hated him. My son and I would have fights about it. He insisted on calling his dad Wes and I kept fighting with him to call him dad. Then one day my son (5 year old) said to me.. "I will call him Dad when he calls me, Mom." I left it at that.

Childrent KNOW is right!