Hi, I'm new here, I've been divorced for almost 2 years. My problem is my teenage daughter,(14) she hates me. She had been living with me during the week and weekends at her dads. 3 weeks ago we had a fight about her staying up really late on school nights. She didn't come home from her dads on that sunday. This is killing me...I have tried so hard to make her happy, but nothing I do seems to work. Now i'm afraid she will never come back. I really need advice... (ever since the divorce she has told me over and over again how much she hates me, she has a lot of anger issues.) She really needs to see a counselor, but refuses. I can't take this much longer....I don't know how to react to her. I have only seen her once and she was still very angry. this is killing me

Cyan I don't know what to say. I'm just being curious here but why the divorce? And does her dad let her do what she wants?
But other then that maybe a good brief sit down with her might be helpful. Find a good time b/c timing is everything with teens. If you catch her in a bad mood she won't listen and just shut you out. But when you do talk to her maybe you could just tell something like, "Look I know you are mad at me and you believe that you hate me. But I wanna take this time just to tell you that I love you no matter what you say to me and am here for you when you need me. But I want to try to work this out because you mean so much to me... so on and so forth." I guess you can also mention that if she wants to stay with her dad that it's fine. But that you set rules for her and not you. That it's much easier to let her do what she wants then to enforce your rules on her and that it's not fun for you either. Also explain why you do it.

I know this sucks but I'm 24 and remember how my teens were. She wont hate you forever she jus has a lot of mixed emotions she needs to sort out. Maybe she needs family therapy but she also might shut down (ie not talk etc) if it is imposed on her. I also want to let you know that my parents never set a bed time for me. We are a weird family lol but I go to sleep super late in the AM.... this has caused much problems. I wake up super tired and I've been doing it for 24 years that I have to revolve my work scheduale around it. I always look for afternoon or evening jobs. A regular 9-5 kills me and It's hard to function. So I think it's important to stick to your guns on this. BY THE WAY.. what time do you want her in bed by and is it different on the weekends? Anyway hope this helped.

Thank you so much for replying. My daughters dad is a caretaker type person, to an extreme. The type that will do anything but then will feel resentful and used. I don't give her a bedtime curfew, but a phone and computer curfew. She wouldn't stay up late without those two things. She was a straight A student up until last quarter, and I think the computer has taken priority over her homework. So my rule has always been no phone no computer after 10:30. But I have to be to work by 7:30am so I have to go to bed by 10:00. So I know she stays up later. I didn't feel this was a problem until her grades were slipping and I found out how late she was staying up....2am sometimes later. I know the same thing happens at her dads. I think I will write her a letter with your suggestions. I want so bad to have a good relationship with her.

Cyan,
My mom and I always had a really close relationship growing up. She never really bossed me around or laid down any rules, she just made it more like a friendship. I think by telling your daughter what to do she feels the need to rebel and make you see that you can't control her. You need to be there fro her right now, catch her somewhere that she can't escape from and start talking to her about how you're feeling. Then try to get her to open up. She needs to talk to you but must feel she can't. I'm sure at 14 this divorce is killing her inside and she probably has some major resentment. You two need to work together in order to heal and it sounds like you're moving further apart. Don't write her a letter, go find her, take her out to her favorite restaurant, and talk to her like a best friend, spill your guts. Then take her shopping and try to have some fun, show her that a good relationship with her mom pays off in the end, because it does.
Jakesmommy

Thank you, I agree with you she is rebeling, I have a hard time with finding a middle ground with her. She wants all the control and I have a hard time with that. I have been working on being more flexible, and saying things lighthearted. I just need her to come back. So she can see, it will work.

I just called her, her birthday is tuesday...asked her if i could take her out to dinner. She said, no....i have track until 10P. I asked if today would work, she said no she has plans with a friend. Monday? NO, Wed...I don't know..... I said, well just let me know what day will work the best for you. I love you, bye
Wow...this is so hard.

yeah cyan I kinda agree with Jakesmommy. I think this should be done in person and the spilling your guts does sound good..... As for the rule thing I think rules should be enforced everyone needs them some sort of structure in thier lives. But i guess it's how you express them and enforce them... Like I used to get pissed when my mom was telling me to do this or that, but I was cool when she would tell me "Oh I need you to do this or that because of xy and z." Anyway teens are tough and I'm scared thinking of my son in his teens but I got a long way to go he's 4 months lol.

Cyan,
Here's the thing from a mind that can remember what it's like to be rebelling as a teenager(I'm only 22). She is not going to agree. Call her up and say I made reservations for (a day you know she's free)at your favorite restaurant. Then say afterwards I thought we could go birthday shopping and you could pick out some new clothes, on me! Oh no teenage girl could resist that line! then you have her just where you need her to talk. She's hurting and you might have to call up dad and tell him he has to send her home so the two of you can talk. By letting her wallow in self-pity over at dads things will only get worse. 14 yr old girls need rules and structure, they can't be the boss, you just have to be creative in how you approach them , it's like you have to candy coat everything or they'll see right through you. She is punishing you for your rules, when it should be the other way around. Keep at her and don't give up! You don't want her to seek love in all the wrong places and end up on this forum with us! Good Luck! Jakesmommy

Oh man I just read your post that does hurt. Is her father doing something for her b-day like cutting a cake or something? If so are you and the ex ok with eachother? Maybe you could ask to go over for the cake thing. Also maybe it would hep to talk to him... He might have some insight on what's going on. And not for nothing don't take it too personally b/c my brother who is 16 is the same way all about his friends. I used to diss my parents for my friends he does it too and I stopped not too long ago lol. She's still young and will learn that her friends aren't always going to be there but you will. And I thought the call you made to her was good you handled it well.

OMG Jakesmommy you hit it right on the nail. That is such a good approach. LOL my mom has done that a few times to me and it works. It kinda eases away my anger. ANd candy coating things works.

You guys are so awesome! Thank you....I agree she is punishing me. The shopping idea is a good one, but she will see right through that...believe me I have tried it before. But it's probably worth a try....since it is her birthday. My other thought was leave the door open...by letting her know i'm here if she needs anything and let her have her space. I do know by letting her know how upset I am doesn't help, I think she truly enjoys having that affect. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!
Her dad and I do get along, she will not talk to him about it either. He told me to relax and enjoy the break. Part of me feels upset that he doesn't seem to be encouraging her to come back. When we first divorced neither of my kids wanted to go to his house on the weekends. I knew this would kill him, so I basically made them go...even though it was one of the hardest things I had to do. Now I wonder if it was the right thing to. I'm rambling, thanks again.

no making them go was the best thing you could do. But she will eventually talk to you. Sit tight.

Hi, I am experiencing smth similar w/ my teenage daughter. Ever since the divorce proceedings started, she has been hostile and hateful. She even told me on a # of occasions she is no longer my daughter and has no need for me as a mother. She openly supports her dad to the point of causing herself health difficulties and makes offensive remarks toward me whenever she gets a chance. And, yes, during the reassuring discussions she made it clear: she is afraid of losing a parent (obviously not me), of moving to a different neighborhood/school though this one in her words is a "shoexchange". She hates feeling powerless and out of control of the situation, so she decided to gain a handle on this mess. You see, my divorce is not official yet and we all reside in one house. My dd started to manipulate the family members w/ a goal to keep us living together and in relative quiet--she hates noise. At 16 it is difficult to set rules. Even more so when the father does the opposite just to spite me without regard for the benefits/detriments to the child or to simply be the nice guy. This only further angers and confuses the kids...
My hope is that time heals/soothes everything and that people don't remain adolescents. Sooner or later they reevaluate situations. Unfortunately, I don't forgive easily. By now I have developed a set of negative emmotions toward this dd and am not at all sure will wish to reestablish a bond w/ her at a later date even if she grows into wanting a relationship w/ me. I guess, this is to say hang in there. They turn out somehow.
Lia

Wow! She sounds just like my daughter. She has been hostile and angry with me ever since the divorce, she said she wanted to live with her dad and we wouldn't let her. The having some control and choices I think is where a lot of her anger comes from. He works shift work, days, evenings and some weekends. We (her dad and I) decided it would be best if she stayed with me and not home alone until 10p. on the nights he worked evenings. No teenager should have that much unsupervised time. At first she was totally impossible, she stated she would make me wish i never wanted her to stay with me, and believe me I DID wish just that. She mean to me, very disrespectful and purposely set me up to look bad. But on the other side of that we have had some really smooth times also. Fun, normal mom and daughter times. I really miss those and want them back. After talking to her today, I don't see that happening any time soon. I just want to make sure don't close the door and still have a chance at a relationship with her. Everyone needs a mother.
Thank you for replying i would be interested in hearing how everything goes.
BTW her dad lives 5 mins. away so she has always had the option of spending as much time as she has wanted with him. And she chose not to....the whole thing is confusing to me.

HELLO CYAN,
SORRY THAT YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER ARE FIGHTING. I BELEIVE YOU NEED TO STICK TO THE RULES YOU SET FOR HER. MY PARENTS (MAINLY MY MOTHER) WERE EXTREMEMLY STRICT ON ME. I AM 19 NOW, BUT WHEN I WAS HERE AGE I FELT AS IF MY FRIENDS WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE I COULD TALK TO, I WAS ALSO MAD AT MY MOTHER CONSTANTLY. WE BECAME THE BEST OF FRIENDS WHEN I TURNED 16, BECAUSE I KNEW SHE WOULD BE THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT I DID OR SAID. GIVE HER TME SHE WILL COME AROUND. IT IS A NORMAL TEENAGE REACTION. SHE HAS NO CONTROL AND THAT SCARES HER. SHE IS HURTING INSIDE AND IS TAKING IT OUT ON YOU. WHY YOU ASK. BECAUSE SHE DOES KNOWS YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HER. ALSO BECAUSE EVERY GIRL IS A DADDY'S GIRL, WE REACT DIFFERENTLY TO DADS.EVERYONE IS RIGHT, YOU NEED TO TALK TO HER. TELL HER YOU WANT TO LISTEN TO HER THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (SAYING YOU WANT TO TALK IS LIKE BEING FORCED ). SAY THAT YOU WON'T SAY ANYTHING IN REGARDS TO HER COMMENTS UNLESS SHE ASKS FOR THEM. THIS WAY SHE WON'T FEEL LIKE SHE IS GOING TO BE LECTURED, YELLED AT OR GET IN TROUBLE.(YOU HONESTLY HAVE TO MEAN IT AND DO IT) WHEN IT COMES TO HER GRADES, TELL HER SHE IS THE ONE CAUSING IT. SHE PICKS UP HER GRADES, THERE WILL NOT BE A CURFEW. I STAYED UP TILL MIDNIGHT AND GOT UP AT 5 EVERYMORNING. MY GRADES REMAINED HIGH BECAUSE I KNEW I WOULD LOSE SOMETHING (MY SPORTS) IF THEY DROPPED AND IT WOULD BE NOONE FAULT BUT MY OWN. YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND COME TO SOME COMMON GROUNDS W/ HIM ABOUT HER. HE SHOULD NOT LET HER STAY AT HIS HOUSE JUST BECAUSE SHE IS UPSET. DON'T LET HER KNOW SHE IS GETTING TO YOU, SHE WILL DO IT MORE FOR FUN. TEENAGE GIRLS ARE MEAN LIKE THAT, I DON'T KNOW WHY WE DO IT. GOOD LUCK W/HER. KEEP US POSTED.
** NEVER TELL HER SHE IS ACTING LIKE THIS BECAUSE SHE IS A TEENAGER. THOSE HAVE TO BE THE ONE PHRASE EVERY TEENAGER HATES TO HEAR AND IT CAUSES MORE ANGER.

This reminds me so much of my daughter. A lot of good advice here on this post. My daughter starting telling me she hated me at about 14. She is now almost 19 and has admitted she never really hated me, she just knew saying that would hurt me. A teenagers natural instinct is to fight the parent that makes boundaries. It's called teenage rebellion. We now have a very close, good relationship. I never thought that day would come. Hang in there, I know it's hard, but keep in contact as much as possible and the day will come where she realizes how much you love her.