Hi everyone!
I am a single mother with a son who is 9.My ex-husband and I were young when we had a child.Our son was raised in the music community and has always been diferent than other kids his age.On top of being very smart(honor roll) and very artistic and open-minded,he is a non-conformist in the making.he has both of his ears pierced and has dyed his hair cherry red.Forunately,this seems to attract his peers as opposed to scaring them off as he has alot of friends.so here is the problem:my fiancee'of just3 months,who my son loves has a son of his own who is 12 and the polar opposite of my child.he wants to copy everything my son does and have everything my son has!from his video games and clothes right down to dying his hair and getting pierced!But my fiancee is very conservative and will not allow his son to do the hair or piercing thing which causes a war.I will not tell my son to change what he is to appease others.he has always been a great kid,well-behaved and sweet...just different but my fiancee's son has few friends,is often in trouble and has a hard time in school on top of some behavioral issues.i feel like my son's identity is making waves for my fiancee and his son but i also feel that that is not our problem.my ex-husband who is a great guy,says i should not make my son into something he's not to make someone else happy.i agree.so now what?
shellee

I see no reason your son should change his 'style', considering he IS a good kid. I can also understand why your fiance is so turned off by it, though (sounds like a mall rat in the making!). Maybe you could point out to his son the things he has/gets that yours doesn't? You need to sit down and figure out exactly what is negotiable and what is not; ie as long as his hair doesn't cause problems in school, he can keep it...
good luck trying to explain to a pre teen why life isn't fair!

Shellee,
Good luck. I do not really know what to tell you about your fiancee and his son. Except .... talking to yur fiancee about possibly letting his son have a Little creative freedom as long as it is changable. Hair can be cut and colored a degree of ways from shocking (to the general public) to conservative. Percings if kept to a small gauge can close (I hate discs). I draw the line at tattoos on anyone under 17.
Maybe explaining to his son (let him) that he is concerned about his behavior, grades, etc. Your son obviously has set a reputation for himself in these areas. People view him at school as the good kid with the creative image and not the outcast that is trying to find his way. If the behavior and grades are not there this is how people in authority (teachers, etc.) will view your fiancee's son.
I was always the creative one in my family. My father always nagged me but it stopped there. Mom let me express myself but asked me to tone it down at times. Now my daughter is the most conservative kid.....lol. She is coming out of it though ... a bit. She has the greatest "Macy Gray" hair and is starting to appreciate it. Her clothes are beginning to get a little more fun but not out of the box. She also wants a tattoo .. but how can I say no .. I have 2. So my response to her was, "Only Miss Angela can do you tattoo." Well Angela said, "No, not until you are 17. What you want now and what you may want when you are 17 could be very different." Then she turns to me when my daughter was out of earshot and says, "When she is 17 you still have control over what she gets and where she puts it." That let me off the hook good. She does not press the issue but after 2 years still wants the same thing.
Talk with you fiancee is my only suggestion. Your son should not have to change a thing if he remains down the same good path.
Good luck to you.
Carla

Hi carla!
thank you for your reply.I,too,was always the creative one.When my son was born his father was in a touring rock band and was long haired,pierced.you name it.I myself had the crazy long black hair with multiple(and I do mean multiple)piercings & tattoos so my son was born into that and raised around musicians,artists,actors,etc.
of course time goes by and you start to either realize that it's either too time consuming to maintain this image or you are just tired of it.My son has just carried it on.However,my fiancee is a very conservative business man and is not amused by any of it.Aside from the issue with him wanting his son to remain "normal",I'm also concerned about the whole copying thing.My son gets so mad because he doesn't like to be like everyone else.So when my fiancee's son does this (copying),my son loses it!I understand he's trying to maybe latch on to my son and his friends somehow or maybe he doesn't want to be one-upped,i don't know.but it makes my son nuts.hopefully he'll grow out of it.Thanks!

Shellee,
As for the fiancee, he has to get over it where your son is concerned. As for your son ... as hard as it is for him to understand ... explain that copying is the highest form of flattery/compliment. (why does he want to look like a rock star? because it is cool and everyone else does not look like that) His soon to be step brother thinks he is cool. Maybe help your son know how to give him some ideas without stepping out of bounds with his father. Help him to understand this compliment and embrace it rather than getting upset. It may make a stronger bond between the two of them rather than driving them apart.
Hope this works ... let me know.
Carla