For the past 16 years I have fantacised about having a beautiful, honest relationship with my daughter. My mother and I never liked each other and have no relationship. My children and I have always seemed to be doing great. On my daughter's 16th birthday weekend (Oct 15-16) we had what I thought a wonderful time, shopping together, we ate a great supper at the Olive Garden, had birthday cake at my dad's, opened gifts, etc. Then, on Sunday night, I found an empty condom package in the washer (she and I are the only one's at home - her brother is at college). I found out that she and her boyfriend had lost their virginities on Oct 7 (while I was at work and they had a day off from school). Now, I knew the *** was going to happen. My daughter is a very deep feeling person and we had been kind of talking about the impending act. Well, my devastation occured when I found out that she and I had had a conversation on Friday (Oct 7) night and she told me that they were not "active". Then we prceeded to live a lie for over a week. Shopping, laughing. My world shattered. She is mad at me now, because she thinks that I am an over dramatic over-reactive mom; while I am grieving the loss of trust and honesty that I thought we had. I can't even look at her the same, I can't interact with her. I cry at the drop of a hat. I believe I am grieving the loss of the relationship I have always dreamed of having with my daughter. My son told me that "Mom, all teenagers lie to their parents, you need to get past this" However, I don't feel that I will ever beable to recover from this. Yet, I know that the longer I feel this way, the farther away from me she will get. I am in a Catch 22 and see no way out. I want to remain the mother I have always been, here for my kids, but if she isn't willing to share with me what she is doing, I feel I have lost. My existance is worthless. Being a parent has been my most important role in life. I feel that my daughter shattered that. My Pastor told me that I did nothing wrong in trusting my daughter, she wronged me by breaking that trust. Will I ever feel the same again?

You cannot base the stability of your world on the actions of others. especially not the decisions of teenagers. Your daughter made a very big decision, one that it does not sound like you dissaded her from doing. One that you have stated you expected. She lied. But you had put both your daughter and your relationship with her on a pedestal. Pretty high expectations to put on a teen in my opinion. Did you ever think that maybe she lied because she was afraid of what you would think of her?

Can you get past your hurt feelings to minister to her and why she felt the need to one- have relations in your home while you were gone or better yet, at all and two- lie to you about it?

Do you think that it is fair to set the responsibility for your happiness and the health of your relationship on your 16-year-old's shoulders?

I feel your pain, and I am not looking forward to the time it happens with mine. But I will say that yes my girls sometimes lie, and yes its damned annoying. But, I will allways love them, and i make my displeaser known. I have been try to get them to stop, because usally its a stupid reason they are lieing for, and I want to get this out of before something major happens. I do beleave you will get back to same point you where with your daughter. I have had some major arguments with mine and we allways find a way to get back on track. If love is involved all things are possible. Peace

I am certainly not ok with her engaging in premarital relations. I was not ok with it before and I am still not ok with it. However, I am not so old that I have forgotten the impact of first love. If they had not done it here, it would have been somewhere. My concern about it now is that she not get pregnant.
I guess I was wrong about this site. I thought that I would get some insightful and compassionate understanding, not more critisism. God knows that I have gotten that all week.

I am sorry you are in such pain.

As parents we have a incredible bond to our children yet they are their own individual people.

She made a choice.
She is still your daughter you have loved for 16 years. Her choice not to tell you may well have been because she felt it was hers, or maybe she wanted to think about it before she was ready to discuss it with you.
Talking about it when it is a future possibility and talking about it as a real event are very different.
You might want to think of it from the point of a sixteen year old who is afraid that telling mom might change things between the two of you.

What she did was choose not to share one of the most personal moments with her mother.
Doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or that she is a stranger. Just wanted to keep that moment her own.
I think Pita is very right in pointing you towards trying to get past your hurt feelings to minister to her as to why she felt the need to have relations in your home while you were gone or better yet, at all.
I wish you well

Thanks Paul. Yes, there is love. I will never not love my daughter. I know about the stupid lying. A co-worker said it best, "they are only thinking of self-preservation"

I think, the lie, came from the proximity of the whole act itself. To look your mom in the eyes the same day you actually lost your virginity, that is a lot on a 16 yr old. I am impressed that she did end up telling you the truth even if you did find the condom, a lot of 16yr olds would make some excuse.

I say go to her with understanding of the situation and you realize it was that same day and so awkward for both of you really. I mean, think of all the emotions you have over that first time and then your MOM and you talking about it that very same day. I really think if you just go to her and talk it out all will be fine and she may even respect you more for understanding the situation of that night and why she did what she did, lied.....

Worth a shot.

well some time my kids think self preservation is because they left out the mayo

Momfoster, I don't think you were getting critisism. I think you were getting some honest insight on your relationship with your daughter. I spent my entire life lieing to my parents. I wansn't close to them to share anything personal. I vowed that would be different with my daughter. We have a close relationship. We talk about everything. I want her to know that she can come to me for anything. At the same time, I know that there are going to be things that she's NOT going to talk to me about. There are just some things that she's not going to want to share with me, or maybe not anyone. Maybe your daughter wasn't ready to talk about her experience with you. Maybe it was just too personal. Do you think maybe she left the empty package there on purpose knowing that you would find it? I mean, if I was going to do something in my house when my parents were out, the first thing I wold think of would be to GET RID OF ALL THE EVIDENCE! I would stop dwelling on the "Why didn't she tell me?", and focus on letting her know she can still always talk to you about anything that she needs advice about, and certainly let her know how you feel about premarital ***, having it in your house, and the consequences of getting pregnant at 16.

Although I don't think it was appropriate she had intercourse at 'your house' I think you should be VERY GLAD that she was responsible enough to use a condom. Like your son said, you need to get past this.

I'm not sure if this will help, but I was always really close to my parents, and when I lost my virginity, I didn't tell them right away, not because I wanted to necessarily keep things from them, but because it was heartbreaking to think that they may be hurt by my actions. Sounds crazy I know. Maybe your daughter didn't tell you right away because she didn't want to hurt you. I eventually did tell my parents, but I waited until the opportunity for that kind of conversation arose, rather than, "Hey, what's for dinner? Oh, by the way, I had ***."

There will be a lot of new firsts in your daughters life, and some of them will be the kinds that you know will happen, but you'll never be prepared for. *** is one of them. I want my son to be honest with me when he gets older, but at the same time, I'd rather live my life believing that he'll never grow up and do things like have *** or try a beer at a party...

I think maybe a little bit of what's upsetting you is not necessarily the loss of the relationship, but perhaps the loss of your little girl. Taking that one big step brought her closer to adulthood, and that is hard for many parents to watch. Heck, my son isn't even two yet, and sometimes I want to cry when I look at him because he's growing up so fast, haha.

I say that you are entitled to your feelings, and to let yourself feel them. Let yourself mourn a little bit. But also keep the dialogue between you and your daughter open, no matter how you feel. Your relationship will even out soon enough. :hugme:

Wow, you are insightful, Tabitha Thanks. You see, I never had the mother relationship where I shared or kept things from her. So, this subject, and many others never came up. I do understand the one step closer to adulthood aspect. That is one thing that I have realized from this incident. The innocence (not hers specifically) of our mother-girl relationship ended. The birth of our mother-almost adult daughter is taking place. However, the length of the labor is what is hurting, I guess. Also, the grieving for what has passed away. Thank you. You are a smart young lady.

So, today seemed to be a better day. I didn't feel like crying and/or sleeping all day. I think the interaction with other people helped me. Thanks to everyone who gave me input. I know that we will have some rough times. I know that I will have days like I did yesterday, when there seemed to be no way up. However, I did see a quote somewhere once that said, "You will never hit bottom unless you stop digging" Thanks again.

Momfoster,

This site does give great advice and support but we also give doses of reality as well.

Let's see I am 28yrs old and my frist time was when I was 14yrs old. By no means was I trashy I was just REALLY in love w/this 16yrs old and thought he was too. WRONG! I never told my mom until I was 18yrs and pregnate. My mother was not devastated but dissapointed that I was not smarter and wished I had talke to her. I am very close to my mom but could not just come out and say hey mom I'm having *** please pass the the salt. LOL

I guess b/c i'm younger and know that teens will do it when they want I am ver open w/my son. He is 8yrs and when he has a GF and in his teens I will ask about birth control not whether they are active b/c teens will lie. Hey I lied. I just don't want him to be dad at a young age. He needs and deservse a life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be open w/her and don't put her down for her descisons. Hey look at the bright side you found a used condom. At least she is being smart about it. Offer to take her to get birthcontrol. Be there for her this way she will not be a young mom hopefully. Just open and caring. Don't make it seem that she crushed your world b/c she had ***. It could have been worse....you could have found a herion needle in the trash. Please look at it that it's *** we can take care of this.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU!

SPIRIT