Hey all, I'm Jean, I just found this site and it's what i've been lookin for for a long time. I need some advice, maybe some people out there are in the same situtation or similar could help with.

My son just turned 6yrs old last wednesday. He is my first and only child. His father and I had been friends for a while, and well to put it simply 2 friends crossed a line that shouldn't have been crossed. We were always together, but we never spoke of how we felt about each other. Anyway, we grew apart slowly but surely, and in the only fight we ever had i kicked him out of the apartment we were sharing. He left don't know where he went. He is from Arkansas, I know very little about his family. I found out after he was gone I was pregnant. I ran into him when my son was 3 months old and told him we needed to talk and why. He said he would call and be over, but I haven't seen nor heard from him since. He isn't in my town that's for sure, I would have found him by now.
My son has never really asked about his dad, yet he makes little comments here, but I worry about how I will explain this to him. He used to chase his cousin's dad cryin daddy, that broke my heart, he was just 2 @ the time. I make a point to not let him be at the daycare when they make father's day crafts cuz I just don't know how to explain this to him. If you have any suggestions, they would be greatly appreciated. I just don't know what to say.

Jean I am in a similar situation as you are in only i have two boys.

In regards to telling your child about daddy i have grappled with that and the best advice i found by far was from a friend on another board.

She stated that first off the truth is best. Secondly she said to explain that sometimes people dont always make what everyone else thinks is the right choice perhpas because they werent taught how when they were younger or didnt have all the advantages others had in life and that they simple chose the wrong door to walk through.

I intend to sit my oldest down soon and see how he feels about it all as hes now 8 and im goingto be honest that although his dad is not here it didnt mean that his dad didnt want to be here its simply that he made choices that affected him in a bad way and didnt allow him to be here. That his choices gave him a very debilitating addiction that simply took him from us. I will tell him about the love we shared but i will also tell him about how he became mean and angry all the time and that he did become abusive to a point where it was better for me that he did leave. And when the time comes I will be as open about it with my youngest as with my oldest.

And in a way what she said madea great deal of sense to me as i was being open about it all without having to say things like oh your father is a no good deadbeat sob who does drugs I can be open and honest without being mean.

I hope this helps.

I am in a simular situation. My 2 year old daughter's father was just a friend that became more one night then we went back to being just friends. He says he wants to be involved in her life but so far he has only seen her 3 times. He lives approximately 45 mintues away but never makes the effort to come see her.

Since he got back together with his girlfriend/mother of his other daughter right before I found out I was pregnant I did not think it was fair to tell everyone that he was the father and totally screw up his life just as he was just putting it back together again. I told him that I would leave it up to him to tell his family and friends and he agreed that that would probley be best. It's been 2 years and 9 months since I found out I was pregnant and he still has only told 2 other people. His best friend and finally his girlfriend (when he got the paternity papers in the mail).

My daughter is at the age when she wants a Daddy like everyone else around her (kids at daycare, friends, cousins, ect). She goes around asking every man she sees "Are you my Daddy?" Needless to say this can be very embarrising. Sometimes she will ask (after I tell her no he's not her daddy and apoligize profusly to whom ever her latest target was) "Then were is my daddy?" I always tell her that "he's at his home" or "he's at his work" depending on the time of day it is.

This satisfies her now at 2 but I too want to know what to say to her when she gets older and this doesn't work anymore. I don't want to "bad mouth" her father. He was one of my very best friends. But at the same time I don't want to make excuses for him either. I just want to try to figuare out what to say to her.

Any suggestions?

For children that are younger than 10... I find it best to say that the other person loves them but they are sick and just dont know how to show it the way that most people show love...
and one day, hopefully they will be better and show you the love the way they feel it.

simple and to the point and at a kid level.

JMHO
Peace
Keep safe and give LOTs of hugs to the little ones...

My son is only 2 months old and I've been wondering the answer to that very same question since the day I decided to tell Jason that he had another child on the way. I asked him what I was supposed to tell our child when he asks why he doesn't have a father and his response was simply, "I'm sorry I ruined your life, but what do you want from me?"

So believe me if I think of some clever response before you do, I'll be sure to let you know. I'm just hoping I don't have to cross that bridge for quite a while.

Good luck.

quote:

and to the point and

This is a very difficult situation, probably you should tell ur kid the truth if he is able to understand at this age.

The answers to the absent parent issue is never an easy one. The best way to go is telling the truth, when my children were younger and asked about their mother I said what I believed to be appropiate for their age. Its not easy, but it helps to emphasize that there's all kinds of families out there, they might not know that what they see at the daycare or with relatives is common but not the only kind of family. Also, when my kids were little I always ended my explanation saying that they had me for whatever they wanted and needed, comfort your child and let him ask questions about his father.

Hi, I am also in a similar situation and my son will turn six in a couple of months... Anytime my son makes a comment about "I miss my dad" or "I love my dad" (even though he has only seen him a handful of times for about 10 minutes at a time) I think it is the concept of not having a "dad" that my son misses... not necessarily the donor. Anyway, my answer to these statements is always "He misses/loves you too sweetie... he just lives far away and cant be here right now" I don't believe in telling my son the exact truth until he is old enough to understand that. Six is not old enough to tell your kid the hard truth that their dad didn't want them. I think that would open the abandomnent issues way too early. My son usually drops the subject after I confirm the fact that he does indeed have a father and he is loved.
Im not a shrink by any means.. I am a nurse. But I dont think six years old is old enough to handle the truth???
But that is just me!

Hmmm. Maybe you could say that some kids are sweet enough that they only needed on parent to take care of them..and that you got lucky enough to be that parent. You can follow that up with, if you really want a "Daddy" ask God for one, he listens to kids. But only say the second part if you mean it...cause HE Does! LOL

Amy, you brought a tear to my eye when I pictured a 4 year old girl wanting to go with her "father"

I make sure that my daughter knows how much I love her and how she is the world to me (she may get annoyed sometimes) By repeating it over and over again I am sure that at least one of them will stick.

Wow,
Unbelievable.....
I was the child without a father and let me tell you God does listen...

Except I got my wish when I was 25 years old...a substitute father who replaced what my father could have been. No it wasn't my mother's partner..it just turned out someone who mentored me, coached me, guided me and educated me in the field I work in. I got more than what I bargained for.

But the truth (positive truth) is the way to go. Because my mother was the only parent I had, if a child can't trust the only parent they have, where does the child find security and learn how to trust.

Miranda

quote:

if a child can't trust the only parent they have, where does the child find security and learn how to trust.

Miranda

They don't find security or learn how to trust. It haunts me to this very moment...

me_and_alec

When provided with the right ingredients, they can learn to trust and find security. Perhaps you haven't yet find it yourself, and I didn't either for most of my life but that was due to my upbringing and my mother's upbringing and I had to recondition many ways of my thinking process to rebuild that. It takes time and patience to do those things but most importantly to be surrounded by the "right" individuals who already have those.

So many things play a factor, but if you want trust and security you will find it.

Thanks singleparentcoach. I didn't mean to be such a downer, I was (am) trying to work through this very issue. I appreciate everything you said.

me_and_alec

Completely understood. It is a difficult issue to work through. I myself am always working on it and I think that is the key.

To validate how you feel in those times when it pops up and then work on where it originates and then retranslate it into something new and refreshing. It is a work in progress let me tell you, but you will be happier and healthier upon each step you take. For the most part, I realized that the selection of my friends and acquaintances where not the individuals that I needed around me to move upward like this. You see, along with making changes you lose the friends sometimes because you think differently and then you find that there is nothing in common anymore. Sometimes to work through the trust and security thing involves changing one's environment. WHen I did that, those that dropped off the face of the earth, I realized where not the ones that should be by myside while I worked upwards. WHen I worked upwards, I got pooood upon and until one makes the changes required to let go of the environment, the trust and security issues remain. The good news and the beauty of it all is once the changes are made, you attract in such a short time, a new group of friends that do nothing but want your success in all things. Out of all of my friends, one remained. Pretty powerful lesson changes here. It showed me to chose my thoughts and friends very wisely. LOL

Believe me, I may give some great advice on the board and when I work with youths, but I am human and do come with my share of difficulties as well. So no need to apologize for your down moments.

WHen I am down, who knows, but i am sure you will post something up there to kick me in the butt to make me feel better or something...