I am looking for guidance, hoping someone has some thoughts. Out of my 4 children, all of whom are pretty "quiet", my oldest is the most shy. Rachel is what I refer to as "cripplingly shy". She starts high school in a couple weeks. She is terrified of anything new, of crowds, of people in general. I try to lovingly push her and because she is goal oriented - honor roll student, straight A's - she tries to push herself a bit, too. It's so hard when you know they're terrified. She chose to drop band, after 3 years of the clarinet, because the idea of going to band camp with thousands of other kids made her physically ill. I did not force it. I let her drop out. Now I feel terrible. I've tried everything I can think of to coax her out of her shell. She is beautiful, amazing & quick witted. I've enrolled her in dance, girl scouts, music, volunteering at animal shelters. Nothing budges her. Should I give up? How will she obtain her goals in life (she has been working toward being a veterinarian since she was 7) if she is afraid of everything? How will she handle college? ANY thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Hi
I don't know how you feel about this but Im just going to throw it out there. I too as a child was this way but later after I was married found out that I had an anxiety disorder. I went on medicine for it and now I don't get so nervious about being around a bunch of people or doing new things. It has helped me be more social and not so worried about what everyone thinks of me or being put on the spot.
Good luck,
Angie

Thelynder:
I was a shy child too. I was fearful in new situations, still am sometimes. Knowing where everything was and what to expect ahead of time was very helpful. If you can find out what worries her the most, you may be able to help her with coping strategies (what do I do if...). Be sure you treat her worries and fears with respect and don't tell her "that's silly" or anything or she'll keep them inside. All the experiences you have given her have likely helped enormously (way to go Mom!). Does she have a friend she'll be in school with?

As far as an anxiety disorder, it may not hurt to look into it. Watch her self-confidence and ability to read and react to social cues, too (catching jokes, recognizing friendly teasing vs mean teasing, etc.). A counselor, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist (spelling?) can look at all of these things.

Time often takes care of these things,too.

Either way, with her grades and her motivation and your support, she'll find her place in the world and she'll be OK.

Well, I know she has anxiety issues because she has had anxiety attacks before. She has even woke me up at night, panicked, because she can't breathe & has expressed a fear of dying to me. She has stomach ulcers already, too. She, along with all of my kids, is in therapy. It is helping, but not a "cure". She also is, I think, borderline anorexic. She's 5'6" and hovers around 100 #'s. She doesn't throw up but exercises and eats only once a day. She hasn't worn a pair of shorts in over 2 years because she is "fat" (she's a rail). Ugh. Teen-agers.
She does have a few friends at HS, but they got their schedules & they are not in her classes (she takes Honors & Advanced classes, they don't). She is her own biggest source of stress. We are close & spend a lot of time together, but she doesn't open up about her fears much. I just want to see her relax, be happy, enjoy HS. I do treat her shyness & self-stressing as a real concern, but don't feel like I have the answers to help???
Thanks for your thoughts!!!!

My oldest daughter is the epitome of shyness....I was young when I had her...I knew to love, feed, clothe, and keep her safe....but I learned more on how to be a MOM as the years past. Being a mom with no book to reference to is life....

I find that my other children aren't shy by any means...My oldest daughter was the first grandchild on both sides, was catered to (spoiled, however a good baby), she was sheltered a lot....I think that overshadowing didn't help her social skills at all. I see the freeing up with the other children has somewhat enhance their ability to have that outgoingness about them. I was told very early (2nd grade) that my daughter had low social skills.....

Does this have any effect on her at 19...possibly????????? She's coming around as she gets out and experiences life a tad more, but she'll NEVER be the life of the party...I've accepted that and her personality is what it is.....I respect that...

Best Wishes!

Well, I was 20 when I had Rachel & she was my entire world. She's been through a lot, but is just the all around best kid. I can accept her shyness as part of the package, but I worry still. I know it will effect her when she's older to some extent, as my being shy definately has me, I just worry that it will keep her from her goals, from being fulfilled & truly happy. And then there is her anxiety...
I guess maybe I am doing all I can think of to do & I just need to voice my concerns out of frustration? She just hardly ever relaxes and LAUGHS, ya know? Maybe it's a little bit of me reliving my chidlhood. She is a carbon of me at her age. And I wasn't happy that way. What bothers me is WHY is she like this?? I had an abusive childhood - dad was not nice, sometimes violent and mom is an alcoholic. So I struggle with wondering where I went wrong with my daughter? I wonder why I can not foster her confidence tho I, like most if not all of us, promised myself I would be better, do better, than I had...
Does parenting have to be full of second guessing tho?

Well, I, too, was endlessly shy�and still am

I was also an A student , when I had a bad grade ( anything less than A) I would actually cry (at age 13 !).
It might be connected.
I would not go to parties, or other events, I had a lot of time to study.

It�s just that as you grow up, you replace the missing natural social abilities with social skills that can be learned and trained.

Fact is, when I had a goal, it became a challenge to me, a good challenge, in the sense that yes, it was scary, but I knew I was able to do it, ALONE. Rachel seems to be that way too, as you say, she�s goal oriented. She might relax a little about that by herself (you said �she�s her own biggest source of stress), with boys and such becoming a more interesting subject than studies.

I wouldn�t worry too much about the shyness, is all I am saying.
Time is on your side.

The thing about eating only once a day and the �borderline anorexia� sounds worrying though. But I guess you know much more about it anyways, if she�s already in therapy.

Red, I think you, Rachel and I were all seperated at birth! We have too much in common!!! lol...
yeah, I think most of the time I keep Rachel's problems in perspective, but sometimes, like when she has been real quiet, has more than usual panic attacks, etc... I wonder if it is something I need to do more about. I think sometimes severe shyness is a handicap.
All the kids only entered therapy owing to abuse (mostly verbal & emotional, a little physical) from my husband. He loves them very much, but has emotional problems himself and trouble controlling his anger. They, of course, all have their "issues", and I am grateful that we ALL love our therapist (wonderful woman).
Well, thanks for your thoughts!! It all helps!

If I may share with all of you...my biggest concern is that my daughter will allow everyone and their mother to walk over her. Her self-assurance is low. I'm constantly telling her that if she doesn't speak up, people will take full advantage of her.....i.e. boys....Yikessssssssssssss...

Other than that, she does take initiative for certain things in her life...She does understand the concept of coming out of that shyness when it's definitely needed....

I don't know...she saids it's just her....

You know, this may sound strange, but have you thought about having her join Girl Scouts?

There are scouts that range from 5 yrs to 20 and she could join at what is called the 2nd or 3rd year junior or a cadet.

They focus on things for older girls. This would give her a chance to meet other girls her age and help her get over her shyness.

I am a leader of juniors. One of my girls last year was very shy, still is but she is coming out of her shell as a scout.

Just an idea.

Update regarding my shy teen....

She is now working for a Real Estate company, in Marketing. You talk about a mother stunned...I am over the shock of her applying herself full force and never doubted that she could, but the sigh of relief I felt knowing that she can stand alone, and know that I'm not that far away. Prayers work.

She is not currently dating anyone in our city, but still has a telephone call here and there from a guy she knew in San Diego (college).

Thanks for letting me share....my younger 3 are far from somebody's shy that I'm beginning to wonder who the parent is? lolllllllllllll

quote:

Originally posted by thelynder:
[qb]I am looking for guidance, hoping someone has some thoughts. Out of my 4 children, all of whom are pretty "quiet", my oldest is the most shy. Rachel is what I refer to as "cripplingly shy". She starts high school in a couple weeks. She is terrified of anything new, of crowds, of people in general. I try to lovingly push her and because she is goal oriented - honor roll student, straight A's - she tries to push herself a bit, too. It's so hard when you know they're terrified. She chose to drop band, after 3 years of the clarinet, because the idea of going to band camp with thousands of other kids made her physically ill. I did not force it. I let her drop out. Now I feel terrible. I've tried everything I can think of to coax her out of her shell. She is beautiful, amazing & quick witted. I've enrolled her in dance, girl scouts, music, volunteering at animal shelters. Nothing budges her. Should I give up? How will she obtain her goals in life (she has been working toward being a veterinarian since she was 7) if she is afraid of everything? How will she handle college? ANY thoughts are greatly appreciated.[/qb]

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quote:

Originally posted by amee:
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Wow, you describing your daughter is a mirror image of my past self. Let me explain. I suffer from panic disorder and that is exactly how I use to be. I didnt want to go anywhere crowded, I use to work in the mall and had to quit b/c I would break out in a sweat gasping for air. My socialness got so bad the past 2 months (before I got help) that I stayed mostly in the house and if I was to go anywhere I had to have someone I knew with me for support. I couldnt even leave the city to go on vacations. The problem with this disorder is you can feel as if you are going crazy so it is scary to tell anyone. It is hard to make someone understand the symptoms without sounding like you are crazy. The good thing is youre not. It is a normal reaction that your body has. The chemical that responds to your body in a "fight or flight" situation goes off. Example if you were to see a bear in front of you you would respond by fighting or flighting. YOur palms get sweaty your throat closes up, you get short of breath, you have anxiety and you panic. That is what it is like. Someone who has this disorder, the chemical reaction doesnt connect so it kind of goes haywire, going off at any moment. I got symptoms that were unlike me. I saw a phsyciatrist and for some light cases this helps. But for me, I have a chemical imbalance so I have to take anti-depresents. (Paxil) At first I was so scared to take them b/c i thought they would alter my personality or make me feel wierd. I lived for 2 years with my disorder b/c I feared perscription use. Now, I am so happy. The pills dont change you. They just fix your chemical problem. Anyway, the anerexia is also a symptom. Before I told my mom what was wrong with me she thought I was anorexic b/c I could not eat. When you are panicked you cant eat so most of the time I was panicked. But if she thinks she is fat and she definatley is not it might luy deeper than that. My advise to you is tell her that the panic and social disorder might be what she has. Look up information and give it to her. SHe will be the only person to know if she has the symptoms. Research and explain it to her so you understand how she feels and she will feel more at ease to talk to you about it. And if you have anymore questions you can email me at ameemac430*yahoo.***

Necessity is the mother of invention. At some point in life, she may find it necessary to come out of her shell to get the things she wants.

Since painting "I am Shy, Please say HI!" on her forhead when she's sleeping ... just won't work... I would say be supportive and if she wants to go to a therapist- go ahead and ask around to see whose good with shyness. That is.. assuming you can get her to overcome shyness enough to talk to a therapist.