Hi everyone, I am a single mom with a 13 year old daughter. I am finding out that raising a teenage daughter is a real challange! I don't have any friends or family that have children at or around her age so I really don't have anyone to compare notes with. I am facing some of the hardest questions, decisions, etc. on a daily basis and it would really help to get some thoughts from others who can relate. This is where I am at...

Up until about 2 months ago my daughter was, what I thought, a typical kid. She has always been very althletic, a real tom boy, most of her friends have been boys (she always hated the clicky girl thing). Of course, liked to argue but in general a sweet kid with a big heart. Suddenly, she started to change, she started hanging around with this group of girls from the neighborhood, always on the phone or the computer, always wanting to be anywhere but home. Wanting to hang out at the mall?! Concerned about her hair being just right (a month ago it was a brush and go style). A couple weeks ago, she asked if she could get her belly button pierced! This is coming from a girl who just a few months ago wouldn't wear a tee shirt that was above her knees!! Her grades are not bad but not as good as they used to be. An attitude that would make anyone cringe! I have a pretty open relationship with my daughter and I am always in her business, it drives her nuts but I try to keep the lines of communication open. We have no problem discussing the tough topics like ***, drugs, etc.. I was 19 when I had her and prior to, I was my parents worst nightmare. (I guess this is what my mom meant by PAYBACK!). The problem I have now is how to handle it all, my parents were much too over protective which is why I rebelled like I did. I want to give her enough room to grow and make decisions but not so much that I lose the reins. I don't know where to draw the line! The whole belly button thing is a great example! Do I consent to letting her get her belly button pierced? One minute I think, that is not a battle worth fighting, it is not going to permanently damage her, if I let her get it, it will be no big deal, if I don't let her get it, it becomes a big deal and leads to "I'll show her attitude". The next minute I think, she is my little girl, she is not ready to be so grown up - if I let her get that, what is next? Does it do me any good to try to force her to stay little? See what I mean!! I would be so grateful for any thoughts, ideas or feedback you might have....Thanks everybody!

Hi julie, and welcome to the forum.
Sounds like your little girl is indeed growing up. If only they could stay young forever and therefore innocent. My youngest girl is 12 and beginning to grow through this as well. I just try to roll with the changes, keep constant communication going and honestly using any private detective skills I possess to find out what I'm not being told. I also try to let her have more freedoms than I could ever have hoped for growing up, I wasn't really allowed to be me back then and I did one heck of a job rebelling as well. But I only allow enough freedoms to let her be herself and grow up in the surrounding world with enough guidance to help her make decisions. And beyond all that, I most definitely put my foot down when I feel the need. She already wants to go hang out at the mall with some friends, nope not yet. She wants to go walking to the nearby Longs Drugs with her friends, alright see you within one hour. If she asked me to get her belly button pierced sorry dear not happening. I see some young girls running around wearing outfits, piercings, made up looking much too old for their young selves. Sure they want to be more grown up, we did as well, but they aren't. They are still only in the stages of growing up. I do think we can allow them enough freedom to grow up learning who they really are and about the world around them without so much freedom that they get grown up too fast.
Well that's my take on it. I'll let you know in several more years whether I'm right or not

Hi Julie .. welcome!

I just had a talk with my daughter about one of her "former friends" tonight. Seems your daughter is going through the same thing this girl is going through. Trying to figure out where she fits in. No, trying to keep her a little girl is not going to work. Giving her freedom based on behavior and grades should work. I keep a very strict watch on who my daughter is talking to on the computer and the phone. Absolutely no calls after or before a certain time. NO ONE calls her cell phone but my mother and myself. If so it is taken away and she is uncomfortable not having an emergency line to me (I am uncomfortable as well).

As for the belly button piercing.. well I am not really opposed to that one but I am not the norm there. My suggestion ... look at the trends (yeah the magazines and style channel) waist lines are getting higher and piercing are going out.. they are passe. If she still insists and you agree keep the gauge of the ring small (10 or more) and if she ever decides it is not right or out of fashion then no problem. Tattoos on the other hand I am strictly opposed to on someone young (I have 2) because they are permanent. I believe people should think for a very long time before getting a tattoo(why, where and what). Hey check into the laws in your area. The piercers may not even be able to touch her at all. I was told by two people I had to have a notarized letter stating I was her parent and I gave them permission ... just to put rings in her already pierced ears! I think they got busted recently.

I hope you find your way through this with hair left (lol). I remember putting my mom through some serious stuff. I turned out just fine and mom says although times got rough I was still a good kid. Better than many I think is what she really means. So far I have it easy. Ev seems pretty self assured lately and is not following any road but her own.

:welcome:

Oh boy 13 is such a tough age. Part of what you said that sticks in my mind some is this new group of friends she has. Personally I would start there. Who are they and are they a good group for her to be with? Steady changes I think are a sign of growing up but sudden ones I have a tendency to check out a little more. I do agree with the above posts.
One thing that I think has helped me the most with my 17 year old is giving him my opinion on things and then letting him make a better educated decision. Most of the time he made the right choice. Of course there are those things that I say no to and put my foot down, but normally try to get him to come to the decision first.
I personally do not care for body piercing, but do not think anything of an adult having them. I would not care for my 13 year old to have one. I think it can lead into other more drastic things. If she gets it she will be showing it off with the clothing she wears and so forth. My now 17 year old wanted to pierce his ear about a year and a half ago I talked him out of it by telling him when he was 18 he could but not before. Now he is glad he didn't. I have also made my kids wait a certain amount of time before they can do something especially if I am not in favor of it. If in that time they still want to, if I told them yes, I let them. When I do tell them no I try to explain why and how I came to that answer. My kids seem to respect it and follow the rules better if I tell them why and how's.
I wish you the best. You will get through it and so will she.

Hi Julie and welcome!

Let me admit that I know nothing about raising teenagers, except THEY KNOW EVERYTHING!!! (and you know nothing )

If the belly button thing is your immediate concern, I do have plenty of expertise in body piercing . I have everything on my body pierced, except my belly button. I had it pierced when I was 17...for three days. It was the most painful piercing that I ever got. I broke into a cold sweat, thought I was going to puke, I had to lay down. Mr. Doc, the guy that ran the shop, had to crack open the smelling salts for me. It got infected, and I took it out and let it heal shut. No damage done, except I was out $40.

If you do decide to allow the piercing, I would suggest to allow it as a reward for good grades, do your research. Go to all the shops in your area. A good one should should look like a gyn-ob's office. They should have a medical examination table with the tear-away paper on top of it. The counter tops should be stainless steel, most will have a seperate room for piercings, no tattooing allowed.

Also ask about the procedure, and request to see the tools used. The needles used should be in a sealed package, with either a yellow or blue stripe on the package that changes color when it comes out of an auto-clave.

I've heard horror stories of people who have gotten eyebrows pierced, and the needle went too far, and pierced their cheek. If the shop uses "needle catch" that's good too. A needle catch is an oversized hollow tube that's used as a protective measure on the oppisite side of the piercing to protect the skin from laceration.

Also ask the shops you go to what other shops they would recommend. It's a small business community, and sometimes, some places have to "fix" mistakes of other shops.

Any tattoo or piercing should be treated the same as a medical procedure. Do your research before hand, this is something that should be done on YOUR terms. When I have work done, I drive for over an hour to the shop that I prefer. There's one right in my small town, but I refuse to go there. Look around until you find one you like. And good luck, I wish I could do more, but I will say a prayer for you.

Hey Julie, I do not have any teenagers but I remember what it was like to be 13. I am pregnant now and remember the emotions being close to those awful pregnancy hormones. It will go away and you will get your girl back, well almost. I dont think that getting a bell-button piercing is a big deal, most women have there ears pierced. Some get theirs pierced when there kids are just babies. And like it was suggested you could use it as a reward for good behavior and good grades. Maybe like if she can raise her grades and keep them up for a set amount of time then she could get it done. If she sticks to her guns then it may be something that she really wants and not some little whim. I would also make sure you check out the piercing place and make her agree to you checking the piercing to watch for signs of infection. I fhtis happens or she is not taking care of it. Make her take it out right away. Good luck Im six months pregnant and already dreading what my little girl will be like at 13. It will pass.

Hi Everyone,
Thank you so much for your thoughts. I was not too sure about signing up and participating in a site like this but I am really glad I did. I feel much better after reading all of your replies-the suggestions and cautions will definately help as we move forward! Thanks Again...