Schoolmommy: Believe me, I'm all for civility. But it's very hard to be civil when she won't give me a chance. And Amy and I are fine with being civil... we still talk a lot, although lately it's mostly arguments about this whole mess with her crazy mother. Although I have to admit I haven't always handled it the best, sometimes saying things I really shouldn't have. :\

Grammy36: That's great for you and your son. And I hope the other grandmother gets her act together!! In my case though, everyone's all very responsible. And I don't know if I could do the primary custody thing anyway... I would love to, but I go to school 8:30-3 every day and work 4-10 three nights a week (then come home and do homework until like 2AM sometimes), as well as weekends. I'm not there enough, and I know I couldn't afford that kind of day care right now. And besides, I wouldn't want to take him from his mother so that someone else can see him more than I do.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I *don't* want him, it's just not really practical right now... what I want for now is more regular access. Maybe joint custody and weekend visits... and we'll see when I get a little more financially stable what happens. I don't know. I'm just trying to step up and do the right thing, be a responsible father figure for my son, and be close to him as he grows up... But it would be nice if people didn't have to make that so hard to do.

That is very wise. My son told me a couple of weeks ago " I didn't know I was going to do this alone" He meant without his girlfriend. She became a drug user this summer and put Emma in jeopardy. She has had a hard life, and it takes everything I have in me to seperate my love for her and my concerns for Emma. She is in counseling now, but not recieving treatment for her drug use. I would never have believed this would happen. I have known her since she and Tyler were 12. I wish you didn't have to work so hard. Being a good parent is the hardest job there is. Also look into Fathers Rights a group that can help financially with Legal issues.

Well, LD, I think that your heart is in the right place, and it takes a good man to be what you want to be. I have faith that you'll get there because you want so badly for it to happen. Grammy had good advice looking into a Father's Rights group. Find some tools that can be useful to you and your cause. I'm always blown away when I see a young dad who wants so badly to be part of their child's life. What a gift Luken has in you. Just make sure you get your education and keep workin hard. You'll get there. Luken will see when he's older how hard you fought for him and he'll appreciate it. Keep focused on him and you can do it. Best of luck!

Today they actually invited me to come along and get a picture of Luken, Amy and I together with Santa! (Of course, they also got one of just Amy and Luken, but... it's a step in the right direction I think). I could not have been happier... but I don't want to get my hopes up in case this sudden change of heart doesn't last...

No LukensDad, don't "think" it's a step in the right direction; it IS.

Very happy for you. You must have or are doing something right for the invite.

Can you tell me who Adema is and if that quote has more to it? PM me with the source.

Hi LukensDad,
Great news that you got an invite and now you have your first Santa picture! It is a big step in the right direction. No doubt there will be backward steps along the way but you have to hold on to those forward steps. I really believe the better all the adults can get on the easier it is for the children and you have come a long way already. Congratulations and hope the Xmas holidays bring some more breakthroughs for you!!!!

LukensDad, That is a good thing to hear. Seems the persistence may be paying off. Keep on keeping on.

I just read all of this and I just want to say that I totally admire you for all of your work at trying to have a relationship with your son! My son's father is 25 and he does not have that kind of emotional attachment to our son. your story has made me realize that maybe i should look at things from his standpoint more often. I live with my mother and she is always around when my son's father is here. I don't ever think that she is being disrespectful to him or taking our son away from him but he always talks to me after the visits and tells me about something that he felt was wrong with the visit regarding some member of my family. We argue about this alot maybe your sons mom does not realize what you are saying to her and thinks that you are just trying to attack her mother. Do you let her know that you are not trying to attack her mother and that you are just trying to be there for your son?
Also I will say this to you but I would never say it to my sons father mind you- if you want visitation with your son by yourself you should go for it because most likely your sons mom nor his grandmother will allow it without a court order. Keep being a great father to your son every chance you have you are truly an inspiring person I wish that all men could have as much maturity as you are displaying!!!

Quick update on the situation. I was going to try and think it through myself and make a firm decision before posting, but I'm stuck on what to do so I thought I'd ask for some advice (if anyone comes back and reads this old thread).

I've been speaking with a lawyer, who thinks I should sue for regular, and longer, visitation. I'm not sure if this is the best route to go, because even though it would ensure more time with my son (the ultimate goal here), it might also strain my alread rocky relationship with my ex and her family.

I'm also scared that if I do that, they'll go for proper child support (I already give money, it's just not court-ordered or anything) and might ask for more than I give now, and possibly more than I can comfortably afford.

I've been considering threatening to sue for visitation if we can't settle it out of court, but I don't want to get into a game like that where we end up using Luken as a pawn to get back at each other.

I'm not sure what I should do. Should I just go for it and take my ex to court, or should I wait it out and let her know that I'm considering the option?

Luken is almost 7 months old, and I'm already seeing a little personality developing - he has likes and dislikes, he's moving around now, almost crawling (he gets on his hands and knees, and he shakes his little bum around like he's trying to propel himself, but it's not really working out for him ) and I want to be there as much as I can and see him grow.

Hi buddy!

Discuss this openly if you can with your ex. The lawyer is telling you that when Luken is older, you may want more time so take it now. It is a legitimate approach but unfortunately will cause animosity. Welcome to family law in Ontario. The more you can deal with your ex the better the outcome, but if you pursuit the courtroom approach, it will be hard on all involved.

I wish I could offer more but that is the harsh reality of our system. Try to do as much as you can before court but go to court if you feel you must. And if you go to court, you are officially signing on for 18 years. That's how long you will be paying support regardless of access or visitation. The law will enforce that.

Good luck and get back.

I have a comment on this, LD! I hope for your sake that you have been paying the support thus far by either check or money order so that you have a receipt that you have been giving something. If not, start now! It will go a long way in showing that you have been there from the start.

As for custody/visitation, I agree w/JD. Talk about this openly w/your ex. If you try to do this behind her back and she finds out about it, it is more likely that the WAR will be on. Don't let that happen because you will probably then be banned from seeing Luken until after the courts settle everything. That would be the worst for both you and that baby! Talk about how you want more time w/him and that you would like to work something out w/o having to go before a judge.

I wish you tons of luck in this, and pray that it all turns out for the best for all involved! You have a good head on your shoulders for being so young. You should trust yourself to make the right decision! Remember that you always have all of us to turn to whether you need a little advice or just a pat on the back!

quote:

Originally posted by Ty's mom:
[qb] I have a comment on this, LD! I hope for your sake that you have been paying the support thus far by either check or money order so that you have a receipt that you have been giving something. If not, start now! It will go a long way in showing that you have been there from the start.
[/qb]

Well I haven't been... but I will start now. And I have kept receipts from everything I've bought him, like his car seat, highchair, diapers, clothes, etc. That shows that I've been there, right?

Thanks for the input. I'm going to talk about it with my ex this week. It's not her I'm worried about, it's her mom, which is why I'm afraid it might end up in court because I know *there* at least she won't get as much of a say. :angry:

LukensDad,
Check into this, I might be wrong.. I believe she will have a say in court but so will your mother. You both are minors and unless you are emancipated, your parents are ultimately responsible. Please check into this so you have the right information before court.
I am happy you had the insight to keep all receipts and information pertaining to support.
You sound like the most mature man under 30 I have ever had contact with. Keep up the good work for Luken and his dad!
Good Luck with your talk.
Carla

Definately start giving support in the form of check or money order. It is a CYA (Cover Your A**) thing! It is awful to have to think like that, but it is for your benefit in the end. It is good that you kept all those receipts, though! Smart thinking!

Carla is right about your parents and her's having a say in all of this. It is unfortunate, but they are the ones responsible for you until you are 18. Talk to your ex first and see what the 2 of you can work out. Then, if you have to, take the matter to court. Do it as a last resort, though.

Try to work through all of this amicably w/your ex so you don't strain that relationship if you don't have to. You both have to deal w/each other for the rest of Luken's life. Even after he's 18 there will be functions that you both attend for him. You are a smart guy, and I hope this all works out for you!

[/qb][/QUOTE]Well I haven't been... but I will start now. And I have kept receipts from everything I've bought him, like his car seat, highchair, diapers, clothes, etc. That shows that I've been there, right?

Hi LD,
I have been watching the thread. I think I have told you before how you are so mature for your age and I really think it's great. If I was your mom I would be very proud of you and you should be proud of yourself for holding your head up and not in a hole in the sand like an ostrich.

That said, I want to say that I agree with what advice you are getting here. If you do decide to go to court, make sure you take your receipts to court with you, and remember they don't know what you are thinking, doing and what reciepts you have unless you tell them. I am not at all saying to be sneaky, just be guarding as to what you threaten, and also what you say to Amy...as it is sure to get passed along to her mom. Carla says it best...her mom might have a say but so does your mom too, and sometimes mothers of the(mother)girls who have the kids think the child is more their grandbaby over the other grandparent. Like it is more hers than your mom's grandchild. That is what this woman sounds like. When and if she goes to court and you are all in the same room..her colors and personality will shine through. Don't let that intimidate you. I know you have some reservations about child support but remember that your wages are going to go up too. It increases when yours increases and only when she fights again for it in court. It is a process. The judge is going to look at all factors...but another thing that comes to mind is whether or not your mom's income is going to be the income in question here because you are minors...so you might want to find that out too. Lots to consider here when court gets involved. I would definitely take your mom along whenever possible.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you don't give up. It is hard, but remember that the right thing is always what shines through in the end. I would also mention to Amy that someday Luken is going to ask questions, why he doesn't get to know his dad better, and she is going to have to explain to him why and who didn't allow him to have a relationship with you. Don't let giving up rest on your shoulders...let it be their mistake. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep us posted. Karen