I just posted in another thread but now I feel like expanding on my story and maybe getting some help.

I'm 17 and I have a 5 month old baby boy. I'd do anything for this kid, but his mother and grandmother are trying to keep me out of his life.

I had just turned 16 and Amy was 15 when she got pregnant. I think it was then that her mother decided she hated me. But she put up with me for as long as she could, "for the baby's sake." Right. Amy and I broke up when she was seven months pregnant, but right from the start I had every intention of being in my child's life and that didn't change when we broke up. But every day since then has been a fight to do just that. Amy's mother wanted me as far away from her and the baby as possible. I had to beg her to let me see my son being born. If there hadn't been a doctor present, and Amy's mom didn't want to make a scene, I don't think she would have let me hold him.

I got a job as soon as I found out Amy was pregnant. I've worked my *** off to save up some money. I bought Luken his car seat, which they use in their car. I bought him bottles, toys, clothes, and I bring over diapers every time I'm actually allowed to see him. And I give them whatever I can on top of that. It's not court-ordered child support, but it's something and I feel like I should be doing something. After all, he's my son too.

But Amy's mother doesn't see it that way. She is controlling - I know Amy would let me actually spend time with my boy, but her mother thinks I'm some sort of threat to him. To be totally fair, I have had a history of emotional problems and severe depression. She thinks this automatically means that the second I'm alone with Luken, I'm going to kill him and myself. She doesn't understand that I'd never do anything to hurt that baby and that I would die if it meant he never had to feel any kind of pain.

All I want is to spend time alone with him to actually bond. I'm allowed over there every Saturday for three hours. I've called in sick to work to make these visitations because even though I do need the money, my son is more important. Amy's mom watches me like a hawk when I'm there. If I pick him up, she tells me I'm 'holding him wrong' and I'm going to hurt him. If I try to bottle feed him, I'm doing that wrong too and he's going to get sick. And when I try to change him? Lord knows I can't do THAT right either! If I don't get him cleaned up and the new diaper on in 30 seconds flat, she whisks him away to do it herself. And yet, she wants me to 'learn how to take care of him properly' before she'll leave me alone with him. How can I do that when she won't LET me? So what if I take a little longer to change him - I'm learning. And he's giggling, clearly enjoying the whole escapade. I'm not hurting him in any way.

All I want is a full weekend visit with my son. I want some time alone with him. I want to be able to take him out. He's never even been to my house. Someday I would like to go for custody of him. When I have a place of my own, more than an 11th-grade education, and a steady job. When I can fully support him the way I want to. Right now, I just want to spend some time with him. I want him to know who I am. Is that too much to ask?

I don't want to take him away from his mother - I know Amy loves him. But I also have a suspicion that his grandmother is his primary caregiver in that house. I don't want to complain or make it sound like Amy shouldn't have a life outside of Luken, but last week I talked to her as she was preparing to go see a concert. I asked who was watching Luken, expecting her to say her mother. No, her mother was out for the evening. They had hired a babysitter. Nevermind that he has a perfectly capable father who wouldn't even charge them anything for a chance to spend a few measley hours with his son.

This is driving me crazy. I grew up without my father present, and my mother made some pretty bad dating choices when I was younger. Although I now have a very supportive stepfather who is more of a father to me than my biological one ever was, I don't want Luken to grow up the way I did. I want to be in his life. I will fight to do that, but I don't know how anymore. I'm not really sure of how to go about getting court-ordered visitation, and I'm a little strapped for cash.

That was long. But I had to get some of that off my chest.

Hi LukensDad,
Welcome to SFV. There are a lot of great people here and they all have one mutual goal. To provide the best for the children. So you're in the right place.

I'm just a few hours north of you and I can say confidently,"been there, done that." You got a uphill trudge ahead of you but you've already started out right. You will be a father to your son dispite what Grandma says. I think she is blaming you for the situation right now but hang in there. I'm sure her views will change in time as you show her how good a father you will become.
Advice? All I can suggest right now is the next time she critisizes your efforts, turn to her and say, "please show me then. I want to be the best father I can."

A thread was started in the new "Canada" room pertaining to helpful things in your area. I'm hoping it grows with specific information but there is already some there that you may find useful. You may also PM me anytime if you need some advice. I've walked more than a mile in your shoes.

Best of luck to you.

LukensDad,
Welcome to the site. I will first commend you on trying to be involved in your son's life, even through the adversities. Keep on putting that effort forth as you have been.

I notice you are from Ontario, We do have a Canadian forum here that you might want to ask in there about the laws concerning custody/visitation for your area. Laws and the process vary in different areas, and they might be able to give you some advice.

Edit to add, I see Jaydsdad got that reply in just before me. Good man JD.

Hi LukensDad;

I like the name Excellent choice. I just wanted to say that I am amazed that at age 17 you are already showing a maturity that most men don't have until in their 30s. I commend you for working so hard to be a part of your sons life. My only suggestion is this. Your son is only 5 months old, and it may not be the best idea to take him from his mom for a whole weekend. I know you think you should have the right, but he is so small. Keep up the visits on Saturdays. Try talking to your boss and explaining your situation, maybe they can rearrange your schedule so you can make your visits. When your son is a little older, feel free to seek more of the overnight visits. I'm not saying you are WRONG, I am just trying to show another point of view. I think its an excellent idea to go to court once you have your own place. That way, grandma can't get involved. Once it is settled in court, there's nothing grandma can do to stop you from seeing your boy. And maybe to soften up grandma a little, you can do like jaydsdad suggested. She obviously thinks that you and her daughter are not capable of raising this boy. It may be a pre-conceived notion and you can't really change things like that. What you can do is proove yourself to be the exception to the rule. (The rule SHE has in her head that "kids" can't raise babies. I am not saying teens can't raise kids, but it looks like thats whats on her mind) Maybe you can frame a picture of Luken in a "World's Best Grandma" frame and present it to her. It will surprise her and throw her for a loop. Be the bigger person in the face of her intrusions! Don't let her see that she is getting to you. If she tries to take Luken while you are over for your visit, politely but firmly refuse. Remind her that these visits are your only time to see your son and you would like to enjoy every second of it. In all honesty, this has very little to do with her. When you go to court, it will be between you and your sons mom, and grandma will be forced to sit on the sidelines. Maybe one day she will learn to sit back and watch rather than jump in and "correct" everything.

jaydsdad & Don: Thanks... I'll check out the Canada room.

Seraphin: I know he's a little young for me to take him over night right now. But even a few hours alone with him would be nice. Just like two hours without his grandmother watching over my shoulder, waiting for me to mess up so she can have some kind of excuse to get a restraining order or something... and not even that, but it's almost Christmas. His first Christmas. I'd like to have a little Christmas thing with him at my house. Even if it's not on Christmas Day, that's fine. Maybe the day after. I don't know, just some time.

My manager is probably the most difficult woman on the planet. Well, next to Luken's grandmother. A typical conversation regarding Saturdays off usually goes like this:
me: "I need Saturday off."
her: "You had last Saturday off."
me: "I know, but I'm supposed to see my son Saturday afternoon."
her: "A lot of people in this store have kids. I can't give them all Saturday off to spend with them."
me: "I realize that, but most of them get to see their kids every day. Saturday is the only time I get with my son."
her: "I'm sorry to hear that, but I need you here."

I try to look at this whole mess like some kind of test. Like maybe I have to prove that I do want to be in Luken's life, and once the crazy grandma from hell sees that, she'll lighten up. And I know it'd be so much less stressful (but a lot more painful) to give up now, accept that I won't see him, and just let him grow up without me, and accept it now while he's too young to remember what it was like to have a dad who fought for him. But I can't do that. Maybe it's just because even though I can barely remember my own father (except for the time he chased after me with a hammer. He was drunk, and it's pretty much my first memory. I was three at the time), but I do remember what it was like growing up and wondering why he wasn't there, and thinking maybe he thought I wasn't good enough. I understand now, after 14 years without him and a hell of a lot of therapy that it wasn't anything I did wrong - but I remember how much it hurt growing up and thinking it was my fault. I don't want Luken to have to wonder that.

I have to add my 2 cents in here! First of all, welcome Luken's Dad!!! I want to commend you for being a MAN! I know that you are still a teenager, but you have shown the maturity and wisdom that I wish all grown men would show. This is coming from a mom who is raising a son who's father is now 29 and want/has nothing to do w/the child he had a part in creating. Don't let this overbearing grandmother ruin your relationship w/your son by letting her run you off. Stand your ground! I think the other members had really great ideas on ways to try to turn her way of thinking around. You may not be able to change it completely, but she might lighten up a bit. Maybe you could ask to take him for a walk in his stroller if the weather is not snowy or rainy. Let her know that you will bundle him up really tight so he won't get sick and ask if she would like to go w/you. I don't know how cold it is up there right now, so that may not work for several months. Invite her along a few times to see if that helps her relax w/you being around him. I know you want to spend time alone w/him, but right now you have to prove (even thought I think it is wrong that you should have to) that you can handle it to the grandma. Why don't your parents try to help you gain more time w/your son? Don't answer if that is too personal. I don't know what kind of work you do, but see if you can arrange your schedule where you still work, but have the time you spend w/Luken free for him. This way, your boss sees that you are trying to make an effort AND you still get to spend time w/your son. It is win win for you! I wish you tons of luck, and want to say that Luken is extremely lucky to have such a dedicated and loving father!

Hi,
All the advice is good. Just wanted to say you hang in there because as hard as this is that relationship with your baby is worth fighting for. I think you are right in that I think the family will lighten up when they see that you are sincere about being involved but that can take time and you will have to be really persistent. I think Jaysdad’s "please show me then. I want to be the best father I can." is exactly what you need to do. I found when I had a new baby everyone wanted to tell you how to do stuff and if you beat them to it and asked them for their advice on baby they were flattered and forgot to carry on with the long list of all the things you should or should not be doing. She likely comes from a generation where it was not Dad’s department to look after baby and that plus the fact you are young might be pretty scary for her. I don’t know because I don’t know her but she sounds like the one you need to get on side if at all possible.
Take care

Ty's mom: I liked the stroller idea. I was going to try for that this afternoon but it rained all day. It's been warm here lately though, which is good... and my mom has been trying to help with the whole situation. She usually comes when I go to see Luken. Today she tried the impossible - reasoning with Amy's mom. I guess it worked because so far she's gotten her to agree that I can actually see him *on* Christmas Day, because it falls on a Saturday this year. Although I'm not getting my hopes up... I know they usually go to Amy's grandparents for Christmas, so it wouldn't surprise me if they do this year and take Luken with them.

my step-dad pretty much said it's cool that I'm trying to be part of Luken's life and that he's proud of me for that, but that it would be easier if I just let him go. so he's pretty much neutral to the whole thing... so whatever.

Zealand: thanks... i've been trying to get on her good side since I've known her. and especially since Luken came along, if only because i know it's not good for him to grow up in an environment where I'm always fighting with his mother and grandmother. I'm willing to be civil, but i don't know... maybe it's selfish male pride talking, but asking for her advice is like admitting i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't... but do most first-time parents?

Hi LD,(LD I like that)
Don't be afraid to put your pride aside for the sake of your son. Think of it as peace-keeping and that's what us canucks are good at.

Maybe walking away would be easier, but knowing the way you feel now, it WILL come back to haunt later. I think you should do your best and if it comes to that then you can look back with honesty and know you did your best.

Have you checked out the FLIC office? You might find them very useful in your case. And any new info you come up with will be very useful to other young fathers so maybe post it in the Canada room to help those following us. Or the single fathers room.

I've done some research but haven't actually gone and talked to someone there... but what I've found so far has been really frustrating because it makes it seem like because we weren't married I don't have any rights. It's also somewhat discouraging because it's going to cost a hell of a lot of money.

I've also developed a newfound resentment of feminists, but that's a completely unrelated issue.

You're reading propaganda. I posted in your other thread earlier. I'm much clearer there about this.

Hi, Lukensdad, I just wanna say good luck to you. I wish my son's dad would come see him more (granted, he does live 300 miles away) but he doesn't. He has a new gf and a newfound love for church. (I love church too, but I love it for me, no one else) It seems all too often we see dads who just walk away, and it's always so uplifting to see the single dads on here fighting for what is right, just as us moms are. Welcome again, and good luck. I will keep you and your son and his mom and grandma in my prayers.

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] You're reading propaganda. [/qb]

I know, it's dripping with bias, but it's still very, very annoying to read.

Adrianne: Thanks, I appreciate the prayers. I'm going to need it! (And I'm not even a religious person. Heh.)

quote:

Originally posted by LukensDad:
[qb] maybe it's selfish male pride talking, but asking for her advice is like admitting i don't know what i'm doing. and i don't... but do most first-time parents? [/qb]

I was the world's most prideful women ever. As soon as I had my kids I learned... you have to let that go. Sometimes the only way to preserve or create a friendship is to humble yourself. Your ex doesn't sound like that bad of a girl (even if her mom is a beast), if you can maintain civility between you and she it would be the Best thing for Luken. Not to mention, wouldn't you try anything (within reason) to be a bigger part of his life?

Hi LukensDad. My soon to be 17 yr old son has joint custody with him being the primary. Don't let anyone tell you it can't. Also, it is never too early for overnights. You have just as many rights. Tyler(my son) brought his daughter home when she was 2 days old. Yes, he has help from me, but he did it. We are biting our lips right now, because of the other grandmothers issues. She drinks and drives and has alot of other problems. That is why the baby is with us.