HELP. I don't know what to think anymore. My son, age 9, thinks that life is so much better at dad's because of the attention he gets there.

Let me brief you on dad before we go on:
-Dad is 29 years old and has never had his own place.
-Dad sells and uses drugs and my son knows it.
-Dad has been in jail for theft and my son knows it yet denies it.
-Dad has 5 kids, mine is the oldest, hasn't paid child support in over a year and owes 18k in back support.
-Dad lives with his parents.
-Dad refuses to work however started to recently yet tells my son to tell me he doesn't have a job (this is so I don't know he works because of support.)
-Dad gets in bar fights.
-Dad does not have a drivers license and has approx. 130 tickets for driving without a license.
-Dad's house rarely has any food, if there is something it's usually just ramen. Dad will take my son to Taco Bell when he is hungry due to lack of food at his parents house where he lives.

I'm sure there is more I could add however I'm upset right now and can't remember everything.

Let me brief you on me (and I will do this not trying to make myself look good, just the truth):
-I have worked full time since my son was 2yrs old.
-I have not been on any government assistance until 6 months ago when we really started to go without and I got government health insurance for him and food stamps.
-I own my own home.
-I own my own cars (free and clear) and have a drivers license.
-My son has everything he needs and more at my house.

***

Okay here's the problem, my son thinks life is so "horrible" here with my fiance because he has to do chores and is held accountable for his actions. He has no responsibilities at dad's house. Dad doesn't even make him change clothes all weekend or take a shower. He even lets him stay up all night until 4 or 5am sometimes. All these things my son thinks is great. Not to mention getting to eat at Taco Bell for most meals because there is no food at the house. No responsibility, no guidance, no structure no nothing makes my son think that's the greatest thing in the world. His dad even lies to him about things such as "For spring break I'm going to pick you up on Sunday and take you Chicago" well he never shows up, then calls and says "We'll go monday" then it's "we'll go tuesday" then it never happened. Dad says "we'll go to chuck e cheese this weekend" and it never happens. Dad hasn't bought him a birthday or Christmas present in over 4 years. Oh wait, last year he got a $20 bill for Christmas. My son complains that he wants new clothes for summer this year, I don't have the money for anything right now and dad won't pay child support. My son thinks child support should be "outlawed" because his dad was in jail in October for not paying it.

Last weekend I was working and my son was with my fiance and I called home and said to him "don't have anyone come pick you up for the weekend (at dads) until you have supper. I got home and found out that my son called dad after I spoke with him and dad told him "i just talked to your mom and we're going to come get you now." He then told my fiance that "mom is a liar, my dad said he talked to her." Turns out dad totally lied to him about speaking with me because it never happened. I asked my son "so who lied, you or dad?" my son says "i don't know maybe both of us" then says "dad really did say that" I said "well then dad lied right?" and he kept insisting that dad doesn't lie although he lies to him all the time and he knows it.

Dad can never do anything wrong, ever. I spoke with the counselor at school then a therapist I hired for my son, they said that I can't talk bad about dad so I totally put a stop to that. I always believed that I shouldn't ever say bad things about him until he started treating me like I was so horrible and dad was so great, I felt that I had to make him know the truth. So I quit saying bad things, until this happened last week where my son called me a liar about speaking with his dad on the phone. For the last week I've been throwing it his face how his dad is a theif, drug user, liar, etc... I feel this is not right, however I feel that it's wrong for him to call me a liar when his dad is the liar and he knows it. I am totally losing my mind. My fiance always felt that I was wrong in saying bad things about his dad (because he is a divorced father of two and wouldn't want his ex saying these things) however he's now at his wits end because of my sons lack of respect for us.

WHAT DO I DO? HELP?!?!?!?!?!

wow. well first of all welcome.
if you have a therapist and a counselor, there's nothing i could advise that would be better (or even as good) but i can listen...

I think it's perfectly normal for kids to want to go where they get away with more. I think the danger for parents is wanting to make the kid want to live with you and be with you. I didn't want to live with my parents all the time either, but I had to since they were married. Why should it be any different with kids whose parents aren't together?

Your son needs your guidance and will be a better person for it. Do you have legal custody? Does your ex have legal visitation? If you have custody, your son has to live with you. If not, I would be on my way back to court since your ex lacks adequate funds and there's no food in the house. I doubt you would have a problem gaining custody. You might even ask that his visitation be supervised since he seems to be a bad influence.

In the meantime, I wouldn't discuss the matter with your son (and that includes speaking ill of his father). This is grown-folks business and he has no right to demand an explanation from you at 9 years old!

I agree with missabb and can't add much really except to say that one day your son will realize who butters his bread.
Keep being a responsible parent and stick to your guns...one day he'll surprise you and thank you for it..

And not bad mouthing dad is sound advice...he'll make his own bed you don't need to help him...

!! WELCOME TO SFV !!

Thank you all so much, I know deep down (and not so deep down) that bad mouthing dad is not a good idea. It is just so extremely frustrating especially when he's got it so good here, probably too good, yet he makes me feel that I'm not as good as dad. Just like the therapist said "you can't let a 9yr old determine what is best for him and what isn't."

I have full custody, dad gets him every other weekend and 3 weeks in the summer. Standard visitation I guess. Since dad lives with his parents and his parents always see that my son is fed SOMETHING and is safe I continue to let him go with unsupervised visitation because I truly believe my son is not in any harm. It is overall the lack of respect that dad shows others around him and himself that bothers me the most. He also likes to brag about multiple girlfriends and my son thinks that's "cool" even though he knows it's not right.

At this point I will go back to what the therapist said, what you guys said and what I know to be the best thing and quit trash talking dad and let my son make his own observations.

AARRRGGGHHH!!! !#%#%@%#

Thanks for listening/reading!

quote:

Originally posted by bc:

Thanks for listening/reading!

Glad we could help. By the way, welcome to SFV. You'll find lots of good people here.

bc, do you have a kid by my childrens' father?!?!?

Trust, your son knows that you're the better parent. But kids are wired to test the limits. It's been shown over and over again that when kids are unruly and out of control, all they want is some discipline and boundaries.

Your ex is probably doing what a lot of deadbeats do...being a "friend". A "cool parent" instead of being responsible.

Don't let it get to you. I used to get SOOOO pissed when my kids would go on and on about dad, and they'd only see him 2x a year!

Don't react to it. If he sees you get upset about it, he'll have an "in".

How much time do you spend with your kid? My daughter was the same way for a little bit thinking mom was the holy grail. But then I started to focus on her. Made a day for us to hang out. And it helped a bunch. Yeah she still likes to go to moms house and run free but she now knows how much I love her and understands where I am coming from more. Now she is truely my bff lol God I know. All girls I know lol

I just discovered this site tonight. What a wonderful thing this is!

Just a couple of thoughts on this subject.
A little background first. I am a single mom of 1 son and an "ex" "step" mom to 2 grown daughters. I have experienced this from every side.

You teach people how to treat you by what you allow - this especially goes for your kids.

The "safe" parent is the one who usually gets most of the hurtful words. When your child lashes out at you and denies(to himself)obvious faults in his dad, pat yourself on the back (after you have gone in the next room and cried and/or screamed in to a pillow). It only means that your child is secure enough in your love to lash out at you. That said, enforce the boundaries on the lashing out.

Bad talking the other parent only tears down your character. Your child will see one day. My daughter, who is now grown, once told me I was "ruining her life" when I put an end to some things that were happening while she visited her "real" mom. The other day she said to me, "When you are little you think it is so cool to be treated that way and allowed to do whatever you want, then you grow up and have a child of your own and realize that they just don't care enough about anyone but themselves to be parent instead of trying to be your friend."

It doesn't stop it from hurting when my eleven year old has all the broken promises from his dad or when the girls did from their "mom" and dad. It didn't stop it from scaring me to death years ago when my son had memories of times with his dad that never happened (the counselor said he just liked his imaginary father better than the one who let him down all the time-that he really did know the difference)

Hang in there - the Daddyland fantasy becomes transparent eventually!!!

Again, what a great thing this site is! I wish i had known about it a long time ago!

This guy sounds exactly like my best friend's ex! Her kids went through the same thing. Be patient and continue to be a good parent BECAUSE in a few years he WILL realize how much it sucks to be there. That's what happened with my friend's kids. They don't even want to go there anymore and see the real truth with their dad.

At 9, sure he may "know" dad does drugs and stuff but it's not affecting him because....he's only 9. Once he reaches 11-13 he will start getting it and it will become a problem for him. Just know that your ex is digging his own hole..... = )