I'm so upset right now, I don't know what to do. My son isn't even born yet and I'm already failing him. His father is a complete and total manaic. He's a mean, controlling, and abusive alcoholic. I spent our whole relationship trying to help him becomea better person, because I used to believe there was good in everyone if you cared enough. It took him endangering my life and the life of my unborn child for me to realize some people are just bad, you can never help them, because they don't want to be helped. He threatened me for the beginning of my pregnancy, finally I told him to stay away from us. I have no intention of putting him on the birth certificate, or acknowledging his existence. But I'm so scared because his only joy in life is making other people miserable. I thought he was going to leave us alone, because he wouldn't have to pay child support. Which he can't afford, he rarely pays for his first child and was just kicked out of his apartment( I only know that because they kept calling me looking for him.) then he called me again tonight acting once again like i was out to get him he hadn't done anything wrong. Like most alcoholics he is a great liar and an even better manipulater. He plays the poor hardworking guy, getting pushed around by the system. But he's not i swear to you that. I'm so scared. If he takes me to court for a DNA test then he can prove his paternity. Then he'll get visitation. I can't leave him alone with my baby he is dangerous. He has a criminal record and domestic violence, yet he still gets visitation of his daughter. He beat up her mother and the cops pressed charges and he still gets visits alone with that child. I feel so helpless. All of my family and friends keep telling me not to worry he has no motivation and no money, he wont go to court. But he wants control over me and he wants me unhappy. I think he might do it. There is nothing i can do. I'm working two jobs and I'm spending every penny getting ready for this baby. I'm finishing school. I sit home every night bymyself,I've sacraficed everything. But none of that is enough, I still can't protect my son. If I thought It would keep him safe, though it would destroy me I'd give him up for adoption, but my ex would only have to contest that and he would get custody. There is nothing I can do and it's killing me, I can just sit here and cry and know that he'll always be out there haunting us. Thats what he wants. He wants me to feel trapped. I'm a horrible mother and my son isn't even born yet. I just want him to be safe.

If you deny his paternity and don't put him on the birth certificate can he demand a DNA test if your not asking for anything from him? See if you can get an advocate from a domestic violence center they can probably help. You are not a bad mother! You are doing what you can at this point. Just try to keep records of everything incase you ever need them in the future. Is there anyway you can move out of the area? This kind of stuff gets me so mad. Isn't it hard enough to deal with having a baby let alone human waste like that? Don't let him win and scare you. Always keep fighting back. We are here for you.

From what I understand he can request a DNA test at anytime. I would give anything to be wrong about that. I believe he needs the baby's name and birthdate and ssn to do anything. He would only get that from me. But again I could be wrong. I have no proof of any violence against me. The times he was I didn't keep any records, and now it's too late everything is my word against his. I've seriously considered moving. But then i could't finish nursing school. I need my lisence to get a good job. What would be worse being unbarably poor, or taking a chance with my ex. I'd work 5 jobs if i had to, so if moving is my only option I'll do it. But all of my family support is right here. I want my son to have a family. Considering I screwed up and managed to get him the sorriest excuse for human life as a biological donor. I wanted him to at least have loving family members. I just feel so helpless. Your right about letting him win. Me sitting here upset is exactly what he wants, but I'm just worried. Thank you for your support I need it more than you could know right now.

Your right about finishing school don't let him mess that up and you definately don't want to leave your family if they can help you. I'm so sorry you have to live in fear of this trash. I firmly believe in self-empowerment. Maybe because I'm just a tough, old battle-ax. As soon as that baby is born take some self-defense classes to get your confidence up. These types of guys only prey on people they see as weaker than themselves. Women, especially mothers, have a strength men often under-estimate. You don't have to be physically stonger than him just mentaly. You be surprised how little body strength you need to cripple someone. Go watch the movie Enough, then you'll see where I'm coming from.

As far as being a bad mother don't think like that. I had all the same fears and felt the same way before my son was born. How dare I bring a child into the world without the means to take care of him and be able to provide a stable home life. So much changed after he was born. After nine fantastic years of having the pleasure of being his mom I have discovered so many things about myself. Things I never thought I was capable of. I know he was placed on this Earth for a purpose. We believe that we made a pact up in heaven that when it was his time to come I would be his mom. It was predestined. I didn't see it until a few years ago but everything in my life was in preparation for that job. I know this is what I was put on the Earth for, to be his mom. Once you know that it makes everything easier. Once you start to believe that there is a higher plan for things you begin to have faith that everything works out in the end. You just don't see it while it's happening. I was never a religious person and I'm still not in the traditional sense but I do believe in having faith that things happen for a reason. Don't let him rob you of enjoying this time while your pregnant. It ends so quick, relish every moment of it because you can never get it back.

Two words honey: Restraining Order. If that is on his record, and you are really afraid of him coming after you and taking you to court, that little piece of paper could probably be your best friend and ally. Also, as Scoutmom said, document EVERYTHING. No matter how piddly it may seem, just keep it. I did that with my ex's license suspension notice AND all of his parking tickets that were mailed to my house because he failed repeatedly to file his change of addy. Now, if he ever tries to come after me, I have a whole stack of evidence, besides the tickets and letter, to go after HIM with. Scoutmom is right on another point too: Take a self-defense class. Your ex is just looking to bully you, and if you have the confidence to stand up to him, he may just back down. Either that, or give me a call, and I'll bust him in the kneecaps.
:huggies:

quote:

Originally posted by scoutmom:
[qb]
As far as being a bad mother don't think like that. I had all the same fears and felt the same way before my son was born. How dare I bring a child into the world without the means to take care of him and be able to provide a stable home life. So much changed after he was born. After nine fantastic years of having the pleasure of being his mom I have discovered so many things about myself. Things I never thought I was capable of. I know he was placed on this Earth for a purpose. We believe that we made a pact up in heaven that when it was his time to come I would be his mom. It was predestined. I didn't see it until a few years ago but everything in my life was in preparation for that job. I know this is what I was put on the Earth for, to be his mom. Once you know that it makes everything easier. Once you start to believe that there is a higher plan for things you begin to have faith that everything works out in the end. You just don't see it while it's happening. I was never a religious person and I'm still not in the traditional sense but I do believe in having faith that things happen for a reason. Don't let him rob you of enjoying this time while your pregnant. It ends so quick, relish every moment of it because you can never get it back. [/qb]

That was beautiful it almost bought tears to my eyes I know this little soul is coming through me for a reason but i just don't know why? or why now? But you have put that into perspective for me. Thank you. And all the advice that you shared is the truth and should be taken to heart by the original author of this post keep up the good work we need more wise souls like yourself on this network.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate your support. I agree that he is supposed to be here. I had a very small chance to even get pregnant. I had cancer 3 years ago and had half of my cervix removed. There was a 50% chance i could even carry a baby because i wouldn't have anything to cradle him. Well I can and I am. I also was on birth control effectively, and I have indemetriosis. He has a .00000001 chance of even being conceived and carried this far. I know he is a miracle baby. And I am so blessed to have him. Even if now is not when i had planned for him to come, and this isn't the ideal situation. That is the whole point of life. Things happening when you don't plan and how you deal with it is what makes you who you are. I couldn't be happier to have him. I haven't even seen him yet but I know that I will do anything for him and anything to protect him, from now until forever. if I die trying that's ok with me because he deserves nothing less than all I have to give. I just feel overwhelmed that a situation has already arisen that I don't have the answer to. I am his mom I'm supposed to have all the answers for him. Maybe this is just one of my first hard lessons of parenthood, you don't always know what to do, you just pretend you do. It bothers me as a person because I am such a planner. I have the next 5 years planned out but not this. Nothing that I can say this will work and we will be fine. I can document, and keep records, but there is nothing I can do for a definate fix. but breaking down like I did last night isn't going to help the situation. I'm going to be stronger than I was and I'm going to handle it. Thank you everyone.

Good girl Laura. That's a giant step in the right direction. Everyone has times when things look too hard to handle and you don't think you'll find your way but use us as a guiding light. This is the place to share your worries and frustrations even if it is just to vent them. Talking about it usually makes it better.

There is a "do cause law" that protects you and the child from an abuser...call the local distric attorney

LauraEl,
You have not failed your unborn child at all. It's so strange how you say that he gets enjoyment out of making other people's lives miserable. I completely understand what it's like to put up with trash like that. I can tell that you are very worried and stressed out about this. I'm getting so mad at these deadbeat men, if I could, I'd come over and beat his ***! One thing I would try to do is just avoid his phone calls right now. If you have caller Id, I would just not answer the phone. My ex is like yours. A liar and manipulator. After awhile, you just can't deal with them or believe a word they say. Maybe it would be good to just avoid him....if you can. I know it's hard, try not to stress to much. You are obviously a very smart woman. Your finishing nursing school, (which is awesome by the way), taking on single parenthood again, and stronger than you can imagine. I'm not a mother yet, but I worry I won't always have the answers. But we just gotta get up everyday and just be mommies. You will love and protect him no matter how hard life may be. Sometimes we make plans and they just don't work out that way.
"I know he is a miracle baby. And I am so blessed to have him. Even if now is not when i had planned for him to come, and this isn't the ideal situation. That is the whole point of life. Things happening when you don't plan and how you deal with it is what makes you who you are. I couldn't be happier to have him. I haven't even seen him yet but I know that I will do anything for him and anything to protect him, from now until forever." .....Just reading what you wrote sums it up. It makes me want to cry hearing that. The love you will have for your little miracle will get you through any challenges you may face. tiffnbaby :huggies: :huggies: :huggies: Lots of hugs go out to you and your precious baby!

Laura,

Like everyone one else said YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOMMY!!!! I know somedays I feel that I was wrong in bringing in a second child to my world of proverty. Then I realized I was wrong not to bring this child into the world period. It needs a chance to be someone and have a life.

You have learned one of many valuable lessons in being a mom..you can not protect your child from every pain and hurt. It's sad but I learend that with my 8yr and I still try to protect him. It's a mommy's instict to do so.

As for protecting your son from his dad...it's tuff but can be done. As you know my X has a drinking problem and drives had DWI and is mentally abusive. I don't want him to take the baby on his own. I'm going to try to have supervice visitations by me. Just don't go down w/a fight. BTW as long as the father is not payign support in the state of VT he can not see the child. Mom can stop him from doing so. Check into to that one in your state.

It does get annoying when you give up so much to protect your child and provide as much as you can and the dads seem to have just as much rights as you. I can't stand it.

I wish you the best of luck and don't go down w/out a figh b/c your son needs you. By the sounds of it he is your mirical baby.

:huggies: :huggies: :huggies: :huggies:

SPIRIT

LauraEL,
As everyone has said... You are certainly not a bad mommy. You care about your son and that makes you a wonderful mommy from the start!!! I work in a domestic violence shelter and have quite a bit of knowledge in these areas. If there has been any past violence, even with no documentation, and any current threats you could consider an order of protection. But they are harder to obtain than they should be. Document anything that happens including threats, harrasing phone calls, anything. And never hesitate to call the police. A paper trail is a wonderful aid. But I truly recommend as did the others you continue with your schooling, receive support from your family, and be the powerful wonderful mommy you want to be!!! Abusers control by making you feel weak. Only then can they gain the power they crave. Take back that power and live your life for you and your son. If you ever have any questions about dealing with him don't hesitate to ask.

Hi LauraEl. I have a suggestion. One I would do if I could go back in time to relieve myself of the controlling, lying, manipulator that is my daughters sperm donor. Is there anyone (male) that would agree to put himself on the birth certificate? I mean,you'd have to agree that you would never try to get any support out of him, and that he didnt have to be responsible. If there is someone on the birth certificate, then the sperm donor cant ask for any paternity test. At least that how it is in this state. I was a fool, because the sperm donor wanted me to have an abortion. I was still close to an ex of mine, who said "No way" was I getting an abortion, and he was willing to stand by me, knowing this child was not his. If I could go back, knowing what I know now, I'd have done it. I know its tricky, but its a thought.

the sane one,

that is actually a really good idea. my only question is I am on medicaid. i have been told that they automatically go after the father for child support. Is there a way I could get around that do you know?

I was in a similar situation...I was with an abusive guy who told me that he would kill me if I didn't have an abortion. He already had two other kids from a previous relationship and little did I know he had another baby on the way at the same time (even though we had been living together for almost 3 years). He wasn't an alcoholic but he was very manipulative, controlling and abusive. You are smart to get out now, before your son has an opportunity to become attached to someone like this man. I was stupid and ignored all the warning signs. I fooled myself into thinking he would grow up once "our" daughter came, that he would be a good dad...after all, who could harm their own child?? It took me awhile to snap out of my fantasy. I kicked him out of the house when my daughter was 3 months old....but then I allowed him to come over to visit her because I wanted her so badly to have a father. So she became attached. I finally decided enough was enough, but not until she was about a year old.

Anyways...enough of my story...my suggestion is this, because it has worked for me...DISAPPEAR! I changed my address, phone number, went unlisted...even changed jobs! My ex tried to get ahold of me for a few months, calling family, friends, anyone he could think of to try and find me. People asked me if I worried he'd get an attorney. He could have found me if he really cared. But the truth was, he didn't care. He didn't care because it was just too incovenient. It was more about him and less about my daughter. When it became too much work to try and find us, he just gave up.